What would you call a place where there is a huge line going in, but nobody ever comes out? This place is full of woeful, suffering people, tormented by the denizens inside, who must endure an eternity of slowly increasing anguish and suffering. Speaking of those denizens, they are a pack of leering, slavering demons; usually fat, always slow, and permanently in a foul mood.
This place… most people would call it Hell, but for the purposes of this article, you can refer to it as the DMV.
The DMV is a place where normal people are forced (on a yearly basis) to go and have pieces of their souls ripped out. Usually placed in a very inconvenient part of town, DMVs usually populate strip malls and abandoned McDonalds buildings. DMVs also are full of the most foul minded people ever placed on the earth. It is as if somebody with a twisted sense of humor took every fat, angry, old lady and then shoved them into one place…and then made a law where you must visit them once a year or face criminal charges.
The DMV is a tool of your local and federal government used to keep track of you. Besides this, they are also a taxation device that has been strategically engineered to remove cash from your pocket in the most efficient manner for them, while causing optimal pain in you. A trip to the DMV will remind you just how weak and powerless you are.
The DMV actively seeks out the most angry, lazy, and offensive fat people they can find. The slower, or more dim-witted they are the better. Individuals testing under 80 on the prerequisite IQ test are promoted to DMV general manager and will be given an office some place far away from the general happenings near the sales desk.
Employees will be issued uniforms that should only be worn while at work. These uniforms consist of stretch (fatty) pants and the most loud and obnoxious floral pattern blouses that are available. Of course, if an employee happens to own a brown, orange, and pink muumuu, this will be an acceptable replacement for the normal work uniform.
Employees with a sunny or polite demeanor will not be tolerated. At no time are you to laugh, smile, or engage in witty banter with customers while on the sales floor. Of course, once you are in the break room or in the back room away from customers, you will be expected to laugh your ass off at the idiots who are forced to come in and shell out 70 bucks for a little sticker.
Employees will also be given bonuses for inducing strokes, panic attacks, embolisms, heart attacks, or conniption fits in customers. If, at any time, you are threatened by the customer, make sure you destroy all records of their driver’s license and also issue several warrants for failure to pay child support…even if they are female.
Finally, to be employed by the DMV, you must never have been considered sexy in any way by anybody at any time ever.
Here is an example of the human trash you will be forced to interact with on your next visit to the DMV:
DMV Worker: Name?
You: John Smith.
DMV Worker (said while looking directly at you): Sex?
DMV Worker (also said while looking directly at you): Race?
This discourse will go on indefinitely, only varied by an increasingly more stupid line of questioning by the DMV worker. Eventually, after wasting at least two hours of your time, the DMV worker will come to the conclusion that you cannot renew your driver’s license due to some unpaid parking tickets you accrued in 2007. Of course they knew this at the beginning of the verbal exchange, but they are instructed to waste the most amount of your time while also increasing your blood pressure and personal agony.
While an individual works for the DMV, they will be required to stand around doing nothing while the line slowly grows until it is outside the door. Once this milestone has been reached, the DMV employee is required to announce loudly that they are going to take a 15 minute smoke break. The employee must then duck out the back door and smoke up.
Other responsibilities include:
- Being totally computer illiterate despite the fact that you have sat in front of the same terminal for the last 7 years, pounding your fat little fingers into the keyboard.
- Increasing the utter unhappiness of any living thing around you.
- Having the stupidest haircut on the face of the earth.
- Making pencilled signs that announce an increase in re-instatement fees while in the middle of a re-instatement transaction. Said sign must then be affixed to the wall during the transaction with brown masking tape.
- Being able to take great delight in crushing people’s dreams.
- The ability to ask for obscure official documentation from your customers. The more obscure, the better. Examples include: organ donor cards, childhood immunization records, and the Magna Carta.
- Being completely inept at addition or subtraction of dollar amounts.
Things You Will See at the DMV
- Huge lines of people.
- Lots of Mexicans sitting around.
- Signs telling you what you will need to speed your transaction. You will be missing at least one item on the list.
- Pricing signs designed to let you know how much a transaction will cost. These signs will be changed many times during your visit to reflect an increase in pricing.
- One employee working a terminal.
- Videos such as “Blood Runs Red on the Highway” playing on the DMV’s video equipment. These videos will be on repeat. These videos unfortunately do not discourage a single nutcase from driving recklessly.
- A fat lady wearing horn-rimmed glasses and brown stirrup pants attempting to dig an underwear wedgie out of her ass crack. Her employee name badge will say “Petunia” or something similar.
- A redneck truck driver named Bill Holcome, who is attempting to renew his carrier license, but will be unable to finish his transaction due to the fact that it costs $7000 dollars to do so.
- More Mexicans sitting around. They don't even need to be citizens to get driver's licenses anymore.
- A number ticket machine and digital display which has the number 39 displayed. You hold ticket number 1317 in your sweaty palm.
- A lot of angry people.
- Did we say lots of Mexicans sitting around?
This pretty much sums up the whole experience .
- No smiling!
- No Hitlers!
- A sad, but common story.
- A small victory against the DMV.
- A DMV employee's blog. Note the excessive levels of smarm.
- DMV now twice as slow!
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