Dark Souls

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A book on the people that play this game

Dark Souls is an epitome of artificial difficult action RPG shovelware developed by the non-jewish company From Software (Yes, that is the name they are going with). Known for its anally devastating difficulty fps drops, Dark Souls has gained a reputation amongst gaymers as a game that only elitist hardcoar gaymers who are gods at cowadoodys that got bored at pwning n00bz play. This is entirely untrue. It has a spiritual predecessor called Demon Souls that no one played. On another interesting note, this game has a shithole PC port that the fans themselves asked for.

Gameplay

The gameplay is fairly simple to start off with, but being made by japs, it is over complicated. All you generally have to do is swing your dinky weapon at enemies until they die. OR if you're a casual, you can use spam pyromancy or magic. There are a few starting classes to choose from and depending on which class you choose generally doesn't mean jack shit in the long run. There are also starting gifts to choose from, but all of them but one is useless.

Starting Classes

Dark Souls Starting Classes.jpg
Class Description
Warrior Generic warrior kind of guy, an okay starting class.
Knight Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit.
Wanderer Emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk.
Cleric Christfags #1 starting class. For pussies who like to heal with miracles and swing around blunt instruments.
Pyromancer The homeless guy who lives under the bridge on North Main St. apparently got a role in a video game. Uses pyromancy which is pretty cool and shit.
Thief The other edgy class. Starts off with the best starting gift by default allowing you to get another gift because the game thinks you're special.
Bandit Inferior shittier version of Knight class and tank version of the Thief. Has the highest STR of all of the classes.
Hunter Wears pimpin leather armor and has high DEX. Pretty much the best class in the game.
Sorcerer Gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is completely useless.
Deprived Besides hunter it's the only other class really worth playing. You start off nekkid.

Weapons

Dark Souls Weapons.jpg

To sum up the game it's just a whole clusterfuck of weapons thrown in. Most of the normal, shittier looking weapons, are the best in the game. And of course the big and bad weapons that the cool kids use like the Greatsword of Artorias or basically any boss weapon, are complete shit and only exist to fill cosplayfags wet dreams about having a threesome with Ornstien and Smough.

Magic

Magic is the most overpowered thing in the game. It is primarily used for cheap kills in PvP. There exists 3 different kinds of "magic". We put that in quotes because the game isn't sure what the fuck it's trying to do with all this shit.

Sorcery

This kind of magic is just plain old fucking magic. It's what those "uppity scholars" in a place called who gives a fuck used. Debatably, this is the strongest kind of magic because of one spell. It has many applications in the game and is very useful for things such as; murdering the innocent, disguising yourself as random shit to avoid social interaction with other players in PvP, getting past those fucking silver knights in Anor Londo (any experienced player knows what were talking about), and being a complete dick. Also it can make your weapons OP as fuck if you buff them. Many new players in PvP who die by Homing Crystal Soulmass or get one-shotted by a soul spear will usually accuse the other player of hacking. If they whine about how you keep invading them and one-shotting them, they eventually rage-quit or will send a long and sad message about how they are just trying to beat the boss/get back the fuckload of souls they lost after you invaded them. So magic is good for trolling newfags and shit but other than that its not really good for anything.

Pyromancy

The real man's magic is fucking pyromancy. This is the fuckin shit right here nigga. Not only is it ranged and powerful as fuck, it has much more of a limited range and a bit longer cast time than most sorceries making this much more fair for real PvP. Although gankers won't like this, moralfags will.

Miracles

Christfags style of magic. Basically the magic of the gods and all but one sucks. For betas and people who can't get enough estus to heal their sorry tanking-asses.

How To Play The Game

Dark Souls Difficulty.png
  1. Choose Pyromancer
  2. Go straight down to Darkroot Gardens, grab the Elite Knight gear
  3. Grab a crossbow
  4. Go to Andre, level all your shit up
  5. Go to the Capra Demon, sit on top of the door and ping arrows at his head till he dies
  6. Open The Depths, free Laurentius and grab the Large Ember
  7. Level up your shit even more, max out the pyromancy flame
  8. Go to Blighttown, ascend the pyromancy flame
  9. Invade other players' games, make them an hero with despair as a level one character hits them for 400+ damage a hit
  10. You win the universe. Kill yourself.

How You Will Probably Actually End Up Playing The Game

  1. Get lost. End up in the Catacombs. Skeleton raped.
  2. Go a different way. Get lost again. End up in New Londo. Ghost raped.
  3. Go a different way again. Still lost. End up in Valley of the Drakes. Dragon raped.
  4. Run past dragons. Completely lost by this point. Hydra raped.
  5. Somehow end up going the right way. Reach Undead Parish.
  6. Probably end up raped anyway because by this point you're too angry to concentrate.
  7. Hurl XBox through brick wall. Kill yourself.

List of Widely accepted GOOD Weapons

This is the average equipment choice of the pros.
  • Lucerne
  • Claymore
  • Balder Side Sword (Balder Swag Sword)
  • Demon's Greataxe
  • Man-serpent Greatsword
  • Falchion
  • Ricard's Rapier
  • Any Black Knight weapon
  • Uchigatana (Or Iatio for fags)
  • Painting Guardian Sword (Almost shitty for its piss-poor range)
  • Shit

List of Shitty Weapons

  • Nearly every boss weapon
  • Every dragon weapon
  • Any weapon not listed in the list above

Story

Dark Souls1.jpg

So you want to know the story huh? Well too fucking bad because if this game had a story it wouldn't be as "deep" or "immersive" as it is. In reality it's just laziness from the devs who are just laughing their asses off because you faggots thought a fucking pendant that said IT DOESN'T DO SHIT actually did shit. Okay so you should at least get acquainted with the fucktards who make up the "wonderful" land of Lordran.

Important People to know

Name Description
Lord Gwyn God Sunlight. Pisses lightning and shits thunder. Is the final boss of the game and is extremely easy if you can parry. Apparently is the biggest an hero in the world.
Gravelord Nito Edgiest thing in existence. Made up of a bunch of dead bodies. Another really easy boss.
Seath the Scaless Dragon with a small, scaless penis. Betrayed the dragons for Gwyn's entire porn collection. Kidnapped lolis and turned them into tentacle rape monster thingys. Raped Gwynevere and had her give birth to Priscilla, every fanboys waifu.
Gwynevere Some bitch who isn't even in the game. (At least not the real one.) Gives you something so you can jizz in it. Also has tits bigger than the player character's head.
Dark Moon Gwyndolin Token trap of the game with snakes up his skirt. Whiny little bitch who hides in his father's fake tomb. The bitch at the Anor Londo bonfire is his hoe.
Witch of Izalith Some witch that tried to copy a flame or shit and royally fucked up. (What did you expect from a woman?) Is the reason why that fatass nigger demon in the asylum and the most annoying boss in the game exists.

The World

Dark Souls Before After.jpg

So you bought the game and you're expecting an immersive world amirite? Well you just wasted money as this world is complete dick. It is mainly just a bunch of cliffs and cheap deaths by falls. The only good area in the game is Ash Lake and it's hidden really good too. I mean, how was the player supposed to know you were supposed to hit a wall behind some chest and then hit a wall behind ANOTHER chest then go down a gigantic tree with lizard things that suck your dick and curse you with their shit breath and mushroom people that can one-shot nearly any player? The shittiest place in the game by far has to be the Tomb of the Giants. No one wants to go there as it is just a frustrating piece of shit. It has giant skeleton beasts that can one-shot you if you're not paying attention, which is always because of how dark and boring it is. So basically to sum up the whole place, it's shit.

The Enemies

Every game needs good challenging enemies. Well this one just fucked up. All the enemies are bland and totally unoriginal. They range from stupid niggers throwing shit at you to one-shotting giant Hydras. We at ED have saved you the time and effort of actually playing the game and listed most of the enemies below for you.

This the common players reaction towards death.
Enemy Description
Hollow Soldier Easiest enemy in the game. Takes 1-2 hits to kill. Generic.
Black Knight For experts this enemy is no problem at all but to beginners this one is your worst nightmare. Even if you rest at the bonfire they do not reset and will stop at nothing until you're dead. Basically really big assholes.
Skeletons Speaking of assholes we have another generic enemy. Most frustrating aspect of these guys is they DON'T DIE.
Negromancers Okay so if you kill these guys the skellies don't respawn. Neat huh?
Wheel Skeletons Biggest assholes in the game. Will drain your stamina bar in under 10 seconds flat if you try to block at all.
Silver Knight Copy-paste shittier versions of the Black Knight. Despite wearing metal, their armor has high lightning resistance for no reason.
Tree-Human-Things No one knows what these fuckers are called. Annoying as fuck though. Most likely involved in tentacle porn another sign of being made by japs.
Hydra A huge dragon-thing with many heads. Shoots cum at the player from like 100 feet away. There are only two in the game and neither one respawns.
Royal Sentinels Slow as fuck guys in giant armor. Lives in Anal Long Dong. Easy to dodge.
Other Enemies No one really feels like reading through a whole list of stupid shit so we'll cut it short here. tl;dr they all suck

The graphics

Besides being an absolute disgrace of a shitty game, Dark Souls can also proudly claim the honor of having the worst graphics known to man.

Dark Souls Graphics Are Shit.jpg
No, that is not the gameboy version

Lists

If there is one thing this game seems to have a problem with its lists. The whole game is basically just one big list of shit. The amount of weapons you get is the biggest list you'll see in your life.(Even longer than the list of niggers in the unemployment line.) Not only are there a metric ass ton of weapons already in the game, you can have more than one of the same weapon and the weapons you have multiple of don't make a neat stack no they just add on to the already huge ass list. (And strangely enough other non-weapon items such as humanity or cracked red eye orbs do make neat little stacks.) The game isn't the only thing suffering from this list disease. The whole community (even this article) suffers from this strange disease. I mean just open any article on the wikidot wiki and just look. It's just a list of fuck.

Artificial Difficulty Tropes vs Players in Dark Souls

Despite the above article, here is a list of Artificial Difficulty Tropes which DS completely endorses.

Spam Enemies

Dark Soul's main difficulty comes from spamming large number of enemies upon the player. Encountered in later sequels (Dark Souls 2 endorses this trope even more, especially in it's New Game+ Mode, and Bloodbourne is just this trope. Nothing else) This is basically putting a large number of enemies (usually of the same type) to engage the player at once and overwhelm him with stats and powers. Dark Souls loves to do this. Most of the time, the player will have to engage with 2 or more enemies at the same time. While they are weak on their own, the only reason they can pose any threat is due to their large numbers. Don't believe me? Go in Blight Town. Just do it. I bet even in Undead Burg you encountered this before you found your way.

Cheap Deaths

Oooh Dark Souls loves these ones. They are everywhere; enemies jumping out of nowhere and killing the player, traps that drop you into a horde of enemies, or just bosses coming out of nowhere... These are basically deaths that the player cannot avoid without previous experience.

If you play Dark Souls and you can't spot any cheap deaths, there's something wrong with you!

'Those' Enemies

'That' Enemy is an enemy type that is either annoying to deal with, annoying to kill or just annoying overall. A great example would be those dart spitters in Blight Town. They are hard to spot and can inflict powerful toxin upon the player. This forces the player to consume a rare item or just die. And the Skeleton Wheels that come out of nowhere (because the sight range is short), cannot be blocked and deal a shitton of damage.

Gibbing Enemies

These are enemies placed around the world that can instantly kill the player. In Dark Souls, about any knightcan 1hit the player with a strong attack.

Walk of Shame

Or the Walk of Defeat, is not as much part of the difficulty but contributes to artificial enlongation of the gameplay. This is the walk the player has to do from the checkpoint to the boss, because Bosses and Checkpoints are soo far apart. They're not hard or dangerous, just unnecessarily long.

Battle the Camera/FPS

The camera in Dark souls is annoying and hard to control in tight spaces, making the player fall off platforms or be unable to face enemies. Additionally, the auto targeting system goes spastic when the player is fighting more than 2 enemies, and if an enemy comes from behind, it will often turn the player around and expose him.

However, since I am part of the PC Master Race, I am unable to comment on the FPS drops.

Boring Bosses

The difficulty of the bosses comes from memorizing the attacks of the bosses (and dying in the process) then exploiting the weaknesses and memorizing the patterns. Bosses don't really offer anything new to the gameplay; just block, block, attack, block, block, repeat. Some bosses rely on cheap tactics; ambush (Capra Demon), overwhelm (Gargoyles), etc.

Dark Souls 2: Electric Boogaloo Multiplayer Edition

Sweet Shalquoir does not approve.

Of course autistic nerds demanded a sequel to the game, so they can avoid the real challenge of getting a job and perhaps getting laid, when they could just stay at home and try to impress people by writing shitty gamefaqs articles on how to defeat a boss. The game is exactly the same, except now you can show off your lack of social skills by playing it with your friends, which shows the paradox of the game. The better you are at the game, the worse you are at being socially adept, and the worse you are at the game, you will be even more of an outcast as the retards you play with will barrage you for your n00bness.
Like the first time around the game will look like a game from 2003, and will be available on the same platforms. Yep, From Software decided to only release their game on the PS3 and Xbox360. Also on Windows, but the port is so bad it is not even worth mentioning.


   
 
I sincerely don’t think they intended to deceive, but in the end they sacrificed a huge amount of graphical fidelity at the very end of development because they couldn’t resolve the framerate in any other way. They had to promote the game with screens and trailers, but at that time even they had no idea they were going to have to drop the settings so much, I suspect.
 

 
 

—On how they faked their trailers, http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2014/03/20/dark-souls-ii-was-unplayable-and-broken-on-consoles-before-graphics-downgrade

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See Also

Souls Series

Dark Souls
is part of a series on
Souls Series

[BonfireBoss fight]

Core series
Demon's SoulsDark SoulsDark Souls 2Dark Souls 3
Spin-offs
Bloodborne

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Dark Souls is part of a series on

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