David Duchovny

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Elite Beatoff Agents

I'm not a sex addict.


—David Duchovny, Playboy, 1997

David Duchovny is a low budget porn actor best known for his role in the Nothing-Else-On-At-1AM-But-It's-This-Or-Fap-To-The-Kaboom-Commercial show The Red Shoe Diaries. On the last day of August 2008 it came to light that he was a rampaging sexaholic who fucked all the beautiful out of Gillian Anderson with his insatiable meatmallet leaving her a dried up scarecrow in the new X-Files movie, and pregnant with alien babies. He is also the BFF of proto-placentafag Jason Be Gay.

Don't Stop Me Now, I'm Having Such A Good Time, I'm Having A Ball

It seems /d/avid has a condition which makes him unable to stop fapping it to internet prons. According to a study by people who happen to be experts on this subject called - and once again, ED is not making this shit up - The Mayo Clinic, "Symptoms range from rampant promiscuity to spending hours looking at pornography and using sex to escape from problems such as depression or stress. It is often accompanied by secrecy and shame, and sufferers have difficulties with emotional intimacy."

The entirety of Anonymous is said to be putting in a claim for Disability benefit, possibly with a view to suing Al Gore.

The Internet has provided a level of access to pornography that was previously unavailable. Many people have this problem and the Internet has driven that.


—Rob Weiss, Executive Director, The Sexual Recovery Institute, LA

So, who will convince poor old Agent Faps Harder that porn is not, in fact, awesome? Good question. One possible solution proposed to stop Duchovny is to have him deported to England - where they prefer a nice cup of tea - before he sleeps his way as far as Heroes or (God forbid) Battlestar Galactica. Here, the potential for collateral damage will be limited to time-traveling MILFs.

Gallery Of Nice Cup Of Tea

Oh, shit.

Duchovny's Family And Colleagues Rally Round

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