David Hasselhoff

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Have you ever wondered what happens when you mix an actor, singer, alcoholic and a total raging fag together? An explosion of fail that could only come from the 80's.

David Hasselhoff (aka The Hoff) is a fine specimen of the great culture explosion of the 80's and is miraculously still around due to people being fucktards. Hasselhoff is a camwhore of the highest caliber. He thinks that because people in Germany love him that he is a celebrity. You know, German people loved Hitler. Much to Hasselhoff's chagrin, his prime passed along with the eighties and the fall of Baywatch.

Hasselhoff: The Career


The Hoff became famous at least 100 years ago through his role as detective Michael Knight in the 80's TV series Knight Rider. Knight drove a talking car named KITT. This series is probably the biggest example of why the 80's Ruled. As a follow up and as some would say was a sad successor to Knight Rider, he made a magical show full of boobs and whores called Baywatch. Baywatch was to soft core, nationally televised porn as YouTube is to aspiring soft core cam whores in the here and now. Last thursday, Hasselhoff went on to have a singing career due to the Germans' terrible taste in music, which further stoked the flames of his already dangerously inflated ego. Since his fall from glory in the eyes of television and the eighties, he's mostly just had cameo roles in movies and adverts as the great human meme in attempts at making things moar funny plz. In less notable news he still makes his appearances on TV by still getting interviews and whatnot. In an attempt at reclaiming fame he released a tongue and cheek but still gay single which managed to get a number 3 in the charts.

Hasselhoff: The E-Fame Years

Because people on the internet are lol-cows and deserve to be shot, there was and probably still is a campaign to help get a Hasselhoff single to number one on teh charts. To date their success has yet to be achieved in this goal, were it to succeed, it'd serve as a mighty troll on popular music.

Hasselhoff: IRL animatronic freakshow

As David Hasselhoff's IRL fame has waned, he has exhibited an obvious downward spiral whose only possible destination is one of the lower circles of hell. A notorious alcoholic who has been forced to go to rehab for the benefit of humanity, he is often sighted driving around southern California in a black 1982 Trans Am, drunk, growling and grumbling while referring to himself in the third person.


6 minute version.

Chew it well, Hoff.

Televised example of writing yourself into an article

David Hasselhoff as an IRL meme

Due to some freak accident, possibly related to Hitler, the last syllable in Hasselhoff's name has caught on as a fad. This involves mangling a word by fitting in "Hoff", eg:

  • "Hoffen" instead of "often"
  • "Hoff" instead of "crap"

Hassling the Hoff

Do not hassle the Hoff.

The Internet's Response

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Some years ago, when Hasselhoff was popular the fuck he was! over 9000 Hasselhoff piss-take sites sprang up round the web. When the Hoff himself found out, he got all butthurt and sued the fuck out of them. As a result, they were all baleeted, but not before someone copied the lot and submitted them as reviews for his CDs on Amazon.

[1]

Here is an example of just some of the wierdness you can find in reviews.

I did not buy this for the music. I bought it for the cover. Specifically, the beautiful scenery behind Daggit Hustleoff. It depicts a beautiful scene of serenity and peace that is rarely seen in our modern landscape. Too often we spend our days looking at bland subway walls, colorless cubicle farms, and artificially colored images fed to us on sixty-inch screens by the evil media corporations. We forget that there is a beautiful world beyond our walls. A world rich in nature, in simplicity, in harmony. We fail to reach out to this world because we forget that it is there. But Daggit reminds us of it. He beckons us to stop living the artificial lives that we create and return to this harmonious relationship with the world we live in. He shows himself happy and relaxing in this pristine world. I wish I could join you, Daggit, and melt into that happy universe with you as one.

I did listen to the song "Hot Shot City", which is particularly good. 
Words simply fail me in describing this album. So do my bodily functions. I will never forget the first time I heard its life-altering tones - it was at my parent's house eight years ago. I only came out of the coma yesterday. Yes - it's that good. In fact I just turned on the stereo here as I'm writing this review. Hot Shot City is just about to st

[Note from the executor of the author's estate] I regret to inform the readers of this review that the author immediately lapsed back into an irreversible coma upon hearing the dulcid tones of Hot Shot City. I myself was only able to prevent myself from succumbing to its insane sweetness by gnawing my own leg off. I urge you to buy this album, but not to listen to it. For your own saftey, and the peace of mind of those around you - David Huddelpup's music is simply beyond our current mortal capabilities to absorb. Hey - did someone just turn on the ste
There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in the music business these days. I've already been a fan for many years, but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did my dog die, but so did 2 cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!

The song "Hot Shot City" is particularly good.
   
 
Hot Shot City is particularly good.
 

 
 

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