Let's paint a picture: You're rotten old Methuselah and your kids have stuck you in an old folks' home because they don't love you anymore. After years of bedsores and mistreatment at the hands of well-meaning yet idiotic nurses, you can feel you're getting ready to punch your ticket. But hey, you've lasted this long. You'll probably kick around for a few more weeks, right? After all, the devil's got to hold up his end of the bargain, right? Right?
You open your eyes after a long, drug-induced fugue and find a fluffy, gray and white cat cuddling into the side of your neck, purring. Most psychologists will tell you that animals are excellent for easing the depression of the elderly, whose bodies are rotting around them and otherwise have no hope for delight. But not so with Oscar. No, if you see this little ray of sunshine, you might as well defenestrate yourself.
What'chu Talkin' 'Bout, ED?
Simply put, the medical staff at the Steere House have come to realize that whenever this adorable ball of fluff heads into a patient's room, it's time to call the family and grab the insurance papers. Somehow, this pussy can actually detect when the end is near, and curls up with the dying person to warm them against death's icy fingers. After hundreds of these tacit pronouncements, it's become apparent that this cat is no ordinary cat.
It's the devil himself.
Oscar may just be an ordinary cat. Consider the facts:
- Cats love the taste of filth and use their flea-ridden pelts as storage for their various favorite flavors.
- Cats eat only the freshest of dead things.
- Cats hate old people, and will swarm to them in anticipation of their demise.
- As vital organs shut down waste builds up in a dying person, causing them to exude a smell quite detectable to even human noses. Kind of a huge, aromatic neon sign screaming "CAT FOOD HERE" considering the points above.
Say Goodnight, Oscar
Strangely, Oscar's death didn't match the buzz of the original story. The quiet announcement spread quickly via e-mail, and its gruesome details were the subject of countless whispered discussions across the blogosphere. Oscar's broken body was discovered in one of the infirmary's biohazard bins, along with a dented bedpan. The cat apparently died at the hand of some old person whom he tried to befriend. Our existence is a perpetual denial of human frailty and we are prone to lash out when confronted with the incontrovertible truth. Whether reacting out of shock or retribution, the unknown geriatric refused to go out alone and brained the soul-stealing kitty with a pan of his or her own excrement.
The hospice itself refused to comment upon the details, but did say that Oscar had become increasingly unpopular among the patients.
Death Cat now stalks the other side. Waiting...
Omg liek scandalous new infoz!
Apparently, the death of Death Cat was a hoax by some dood named Bob.
Old peoples rejoice! Your end is nearz!
Those fucking bastards...
Well, it's no real surprise that those laughable scamps at ICHC have taken a cherished, lulzworthy internet gem and turned it into something MySpace can enjoy. Their frivolous rush to attach ineptitude and cat spelling to any new cat picture has completely ruined anyone else's chances of making a stupid cat meme that is entertaining and eternal. Curse those evil-doers! And their little
dog cat too!
- Daily Mail article
- Original paper from New England Journal of Medicine
- Oscar is dead (original sauce).
- Holy shit someone wrote a book on this
- Interview with David Dosa, author
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals
is part of a series on
A Cat Is Fine Too • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Limecat • Longcat • Maru • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat