|KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!
—JC is so cool
Deus Ex is an interesting series of video games:
Deus Ex was the first one, it is complete ass-kickery and win and it actually required using one's brain. You play as JC Denton; JC Denton is one bad ass mutha who makes Chuck Norris look like a vagina-butterfly. Also, JC stands for Jesus Christ, trufax. He is nano-augmented Jesus and is friends with regular Jesus.
Invisible War is the lamentable sequel starring CJ's mentally handicapped, shemale brother: Alex. 96% of people who have played this game were hospitalized after suffering massive internal facepalm. The other 4% liked it and think Alex is a pretty cool guy.
Human Revolution is the prequel to Deus Ex. At the moment, it is shit that nobody cares about.
Deus Ex: The Original
Deus Ex (Pronounced "Day-ass-sex", you useless fucks) was created in the 1990s years ago by a bunch of basement dwelling, tin foil hat wearing nerds. The game was great fun when it came out, and is even more fun now because there's just so much to it. It's especially awesome compared to games of the now like Halo. When it was released, because Deus Ex was pretty cool, the nerds who made it (instead of being beaten up for being goddamn nerds) received fine food and drink. Hours later, though, they were beaten up, anyway. Frickin', goddamn nerds...
Deus Ex was so well received because it offered a deep plot, awesome soundtracks, very atmospheric maps, tons of features, non-linear game play, excellent writing, and such intricate details that people are still finding bits no one had yet come across. It even managed to fit in every conspiracy in existence and still look good, that takes true skill, damn it. The only possible downside is that the game has really, really, awful, bad graphics, but screw the graphics when you have an actual game and not just over-hyped eye candy.
In short, Deus Ex is the best game evar. This is evidenced by the fact that the game won at least 100 awards and how it is constantly mentioned all the fucking time in b and v game threads. Anyone who says they don't like DX is a liar and a bad one at that. If you have not played it, you are annoying and sad.
You're surely wondering what the plot of a game this great has to be, but, if you've been alive through George W. Bush's presidency, you'll already know what it is because the entire plot of the game is basically spoiled for you.
The premise of the game is the exact same thing as George W. Bush's presidency: a terrorist attack on New York (Statue of Liberty instead of WTC. [DX did predict WTC, though, but that's a story for another day]) turned the country to martial law (FEMA instead of The Patriot Act), a new group was founded to create terrorism and keep the public in constant panic (UNATCO instead of Homeland Security), a global disaster caused more panic (Grey Death instead of Katrina, SARS, Swine Flu, the yearlong rolling blackouts in California, etc.), freedom fighters were scapegoated for everything causing even more panic and fear (NSF instead of Muslims), and everyone was poor and suffering (same in both cases). Meanwhile, everything happening is actually part of a carefully orchestrated scheme to take over the world (When has that not been the case?), masterminded by a couple of retarded nerds from Texas (Bob Page and Walton Simons instead of George Bush and Dick Cheney) using a super AI construct and the global communications hub to achieve absolute power (Helios and the Aquinas router instead of the Internet and Fox News).
Within this plot and setting, JC Denton starts out his first day as a nano-augmented agent working for UNATCO in New York City, where he must recover the Ambrosia vaccine shipments that were stolen by the NSF, while he is told every 11 minutes not to use the GEP gun or the Sniper Rifle or even the Pistol and stick with the nice little mini-crossbow and electric prod. Many ventilation shafts later, he finds that his brother Paul Denton (also a UNATCO nano-aug agent) is really working for the NSF and, naturally, Paul wants JC to help the NSF, too. UNATCO is actually a CONSPIRACY!!!11ONE and Grey Death is man made. You betray UNATCO, go to China, and have people swear at you in Chinese on your way to meet Tracer Dong, Paul's gay lover. While you're there, you pick up a bitchin' Light Saber (Fun fact: JC can use The Force, The Excessive Force, that is) from Maggie Chow's apartment. Her maid gets so pissed when you find the MJ12 base in the attic. You go back to New York where people swear at you in English as you go to destroy a huge shipment of the plague virus while the Illuminati ask you to join them for the reward of delicious cake. Afterwards, you head to Paris where Icarus swears at you in cyberspeak as you're crawling through disgusting sewers in order to meet up with Nicolette DuClare so you can find the Illuminati leader Morgan Everett. After finding a bomb on your pilot's helicopter, you go off to Atlantis, where Atlantean scientists swear at you in Elven as you battle Walton Simons. And then you go to Area 51 to stop Bob Page, where
Aliens Monkeys exposed to radiation swear at you in Alienese while giving you cancer and clawing your eyes out. Ahh, Deus Ex...
The game had
three four possible endings. They were:
- Kill Bob Page, preventing him from merging his mind with Helios and controlling the world; join the Jew Reptilian Illuminati pricks and put them back into power to receive your reward of Delicious Cake.
- Merge with Helios yourself and become admin of the world. This ending sucks because it's the canonical one that leads to the sequel (You know, the one that nobody liked?). Only merge with Helios to join Alex in intense Trolling of DX fans.
- Be so 1337 that instead of doing those, you just destroy Helios by blowing up Area 51, possibly becoming an hero as you send the world into a new dark age. This is the funnest sounding ending and you should do it. For the lulz.
- Wait for Bob Page to finish his shit, and get treated to a slice of what JC's life was like after he became co-Overlord President King - dancing in a night club doing lines of coke off the stomachs of expensive prostitues. You can also warp to the level using the in-game menu.
Incidentally, George W. Bush also spoiled the plot for the pilot episode of The Lone Gunman, whose entire plot was the government remote controlling airplanes to crash them into WTC. Once a conspiracy theory turns into reality, it's no longer good creativity.
—Brian Flanagan on Invisible War
Warren Spector and Harvey Smith had the fine idea to make a sequel to Deus Ex. The fabled second coming of DX was at hand, and surely a sequel to the best game ever would have be really nice, too, right?
The game makers made their sequel to Deus Ex, it was produced with the Xbox in mind which led to PC fanboys crying into their keyboards and ripping up their nude posters of Warren Spector. Bawwwing over the situation of not being able to play it ensued until lo, Deus Ex: Invisible War was released. It featured hugely non-linear game play, then that's about it for the high points. Deus Ex: Invisible Suck was a poor port from the console to PC, had crap graphics performance with unreasonable spec requirements, 89% of the maps claustrophobically cramped and/or indoors, universal ammo, a simplified HUD, no inventory, skill or health systems, a lot less features, bad physics engine, awful and ugly character models, slow load times, mind-bendingly stupid AIs, and last but not least, fucking Alex D. Made of faggotry and fail, he is a very bland character and his voice actor was a diseased bum pulled off the street and paid in beer. Alex's eyes appear to be large, painful scabs, he did not shave nor comb his hair today which makes him look like a douche bag, while overall he is a very soft and unimpressive person, and just terrible at being cool. Essentially the "look mommy I'm JC" version of JC. The little goody-two-shoes can suck my cunt. Deus Ex 2 is terrible mainly because he and everything he touches is very, very bad in every way. v IW was so dumbed-down and lame that even a 13 year old boy with downs syndrome could beat it. Oh, and the game had an even lamer plot that was written by said boy, a very, very lame plot which was: a ghey, generic Sci-Fi adventure. Our protagonist Alex D, who is later revealed to be Alex Denton (WOH NO WAI, EPIX PLOTTURN), is the metrosexual clone of JC Denton. Alex Denton can somehow be male or female, which makes no sense since Alex would have to be male if he/she/it is a clone of JC. The gaining of an extra chromosome is indisputable proof that Alex has Down Syndrome, plus the androgyny shows Alex to be Gay, Lesbian, and Transsexual simultaneously. And what a
shame faggot he is.
The story of Invisible War is this: it is 20 years after the events of Deus Ex, you are a student at the Tarsus Academy which is essentially a retarded college for lernin2nanaug (By the way, having nano-augs isn't cool anymore since everyone and their cat has them, and to add insult to injury, they're all being called "Biomods"). This academy with roughly five people in it is currently under attack by a religious cult that's on it's period (even the men). There are many explosions and dead people lying around the building, but the facility's overseer assures you everything is perfectly fine. After traversing your way though maps that are as expansive as a cardboard box, you go off to a club, where you get sexually harassed, and later you do a bunch of missions for an insane group known as "The Order" (AAA+ name inventiveness). It quickly becomes apparent that in the world of IW, the entire Earth revolves around Alex Denton. Everyone in sight wants a piece of Alex because he's so super speshal, and for some strange reason the writers thought this was really good storytelling. A while later, Tracer Tong makes you step into a teleportation gate so you can go on down to Antarctica to meet joos beeg bro jaycee dentin, who nearly died after merging with Helios (said merge which ended up destroying the Aquinas router and sent the world into a new Dark Age. Thanks, Helios). When you arrive. you must fight your friend Bitchuna Adams, to prevent her from killing JC. Once you have taken care of her, you proceed to revive JC who has been in suspended animation for 20 years while still conscious for the duration. JC, you will find, is fully wrong in IW, first, he has no sunglasses. Second, his augs are inexplicably missing and he actually has the very same outfit he wore in Deus Ex. Third, he's not JC anymore. It is clear JC was mind raped to death and all that's left is the abomination that is Helios. Bet Helios is having a dandy time taking over JC's body, walking around and feeling what getting drunk is like while JC is pitifully trapped inside his own subconcious. It gets really sad when Paul is in total denial that JC is practically not there and that all we're left with is fake-JC. Fake-JC tells you his master plan for world domination, gives you a pet AI helicopter named Ava Johnson (Truly an original name) and sends you off. Everyone is fighting over Alex to get him on their side in an intense power struggle for control of the world between the Omar, fake-JC, the Knight's Templar, and the Jew Reptilian Illuminati, and since fucking Alex is so fucking special he's the absolute fucking decider in who wins. Oh, balls. You can basically do whatever you want until the very end, when must pick the faction to screw everyone over, and not anybody at all seems to question your previous actions as long as you join them in the end. The entire game makes no sense and no one understands it.
Invisible War's four endings are:
- Help fake-JC use Helios to shoot democracy-nanites out of the Statue of Liberty's ass.
- Destroy everything and have the cyborg zombies with russian accents replace humanity.
- Keep the world as it is with the Jew Reptilian Illuminati ruling it as per usual.
- Join the batshit religious cult and force everyone to live like the Amish.
—Adam on auto health regeneration
Early 2007, Eidos Montreal announced that it was making a prequel to Deus Ex. The Prequel is called Human Revolution. It's goal is to get everyone's hopes up and then make fans crymoar upon release for the lulz. Not much is known about the game itself because they won't give many updates, the jerks. We do know that it has a giant, man-eating robo fetus, it has auto-healing made with consolefags in mind, it takes place 25 years before Deus Ex, and it is definitely a CONSPIRACY!!!11ONE with the intent of pissing everyone off even more after IW bombed and dirtied the glory of Deus Ex.
The protagonist of HR (LOL, HR=Health Regen) is
Cyberpunk-Gordon Freeman Adam Jensen, a mech-aug and security guard. Little information about Adam Jensen is available because they are jerks and will not give us updates. Jerks.
The most recent trailer shed much light on the game, giving us the most information that's been relased since the DX3 project began at least 100 years ago. This is the speculated plot, and it all started last Thursday at Serif Industries. Adam Jensen, as a security guard, was guarding the security. Security was going quite well until a sociopathic mech soldier showed up and proceeded to rape Adam Jensen's girlfriend. This made Adam raeg because such was causing him to phail at secure guarding. Adam attempted to restore the situation but only got himself defenestrated, and he was on a really high floor in the high-ass skyscaper. After these events, he was outfitted with mechanical augmentations to save his life and boost his ass-kicking abilities, though he continually whines and complains about what happened to him. Adam Jensen gets assigned to do no important missions, gathering information and killing people because he is filled with cyborg angst and fffffffuuuuuuuuuu. Order in the world is collapsing by conspiracies, crime and chaos are rampant and his family and/or friends have been kidnapped, causing Adam to regularly go punching through walls and crushing peoples heads in his angry rage.
Unlike the original Deus Ex, you actually have to kill all of the bosses in this game and the last boss is just a big puzzle that can be solved by shooting it.
What a Shame
I Just killed your father, What a shame, now get out of here you whiny whore.
A random sampling of Deus Ex
hiding behind closed doors, proxy journalists... "
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