Dogs are vicious, pack-cunting, shit-eating, mammalian quadrupeds whose most distinguishing characteristics are their distinct rotting garbage stench and ability to bark at 150 decibels nonstop all night. Like wolves, they derive from the Canis genus but, unlike wolves, are illegal to poison, pet-dress, or have sex with. Despite being able to eat cats, young children, and pretty much anything smaller than them, dogs are considered the retards of the animal world, which is why they're often referred to as "man's best friend".
Working With Dogs
- Veterinarian: A highly rewarding profession where you will have the chance to stick thermometers and q-tips up dogs' asses and be exposed to multiple diseases that can be passed from animals to humans. On the plus side, you get to charge a buttload of money by prescribing drugs meant for humans at twice the price to fucktard owners as well as be legally allowed to put dogs down.
- Groomer: A great alternative if you're too stupid to pass Med school for animals. You'll have a fun-filled day of being slashed bloody by newly cut nails, draining Fido's shit-clogged anal glands, and listening to the yapping of small purse dogs owned by prominent female celebrities. You won't get paid fuck all, but the fun part is making dogs looking even more fucking retarded than they already are.
- Trainer: Make shitloads of cash on people too fucking lazy to teach their own pet basic commands.
- Police: Train big fucking dogs to maul criminals and to tell you who's carrying the best drugs.
- Breeder: Dogs need human help doing such natural things as fucking. Make profit from purebreds and make even moar by mating two different types of dogs together to create a fun new hybrid with the worst traits of both parents. Because we all know there's not enough of these bastards on the streets.
- Nazism: Train your dog to salute Hitler and become internet famous.
- Azn: Make a deal with your county pound by helping them get rid of strays while using them in your bulgogi.
Unfortunately there are many myths surrounding dogs, some of them are listed here:
Myth #1 dogs are the most intelligent creatures on earth second only to humans!
Fact: Contrary to popular belief, dogs are not very intelligent. There are many other animals with far superior intelligence, such as dolphins, Germans, crows and octopuses. This myth, that dog-fucking, pro-bestiality furfags pulled out of their asses, refuses to die because it serves as a lazy and convenient plot device in family-friendly movies.
Myth #2 dogs (especially females) are strong and independent
Fact: Domestic dogs can't live without an owner in the streets, in fact they can barely take care of themselves at all! Unlike cats they can't adapt to the wild and sooner or later they die; so unless you take care of them 24/7, they will either get depressed and harm themselves or they'll become hostile and destroy the whole goddamn house.
Myth #3 they are friendly and loving
Fact: Dogs only care about one thing: FOOD. As long as the owner provides them with food, care and shelter they don't give a shit about love, nor about how much money you have to spend for all these. In other words it's like having a autistic child, only louder (but somewhat lulzier if you can train it to maul or piss on guests on command). As for the "friendly" part, it's complete horseshit. Dogs are extremely territorial and they will attack anyone who approaches their territory, even their owner. No wonder why dog owners never have guests in their homes. "But isn't that a good thing?" you may ask "I mean they keep burglars away, right...?"
WRONG FAGGOT! continue reading below
Myth #4 dogs are excellent guards
Fact: Excellent guards my ass, these neurotic bulimic fucks will eat ANYTHING! So all you have to do is to throw them a tasty treat laced with poison and it's over. Besides we are not in 1880 any more, there are other more effective ways to protect your home from burglars such as cameras, Sig Sauer, and alarm systems.
Myth #5 All Dogs Go To Heaven
Fact: As many writers like James Joyce have pointed out, "Man was cleaver when he first started breeding the dog because it is the only creature that actually, actively, displays the divine attributes and were it not for their advocating, man would never enter Heaven's gates."
Basically, when you buy property in Heaven, you don't have to worry about someone like Michael Vick moving in and destroying your resale value.
- Cujo: What most dogs aspire to be.
- Disney: Likes to start fads with different dog breeds like the Cocker Spaniel in Lady And The Tramp or the Dalmation that becomes the popular dog breed to be destroyed for that year.
- Doge: Beloved Tumblr mascot.
- Goofy: Retarded Disney character and advocate of child abuse
- Hachiko: Favorite dog of the Weeaboo breed. Was an Akita that is known and celebrated in Japan for it's loyalty because it had nothing better to do and waited for over 9 years, for its masters return, after he died.
- Snoopy: Has herpes of the mouth, which sucks because he likes to lick little girls. Also a communist.
- Brian: Alcoholic Snoopy copypaste,
- Balto: Sled dog who proved dogs can do fucking anything, also a favorite movie of furries and wolfaboos
- Scooby-Doo: A retarded talking cartoon dog with a stonerfag sidekick.
- Marmaduke: Scooby-Doo's asspie littermate
- Nazi pug: Official mascot of /pol/.
- Lassie: Collie dog from an old TV show that got sick of Timmy falling into a well and was put down after she mauled his faggy ass.
- Rin Tin Tin: Lassie, but with a dick.
- Greyfriar's Bobby: Some little faggot dog from Scotland that went all emo when his owner drank himself to death.
- Toto: Dorothy's companion in The Wizard of Oz that some Wicked Witch wanted to rightfully and legally put down because he bit her. Best know for the first big pre-internet meme of, "Toto. I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." Also a band from the 70s and 1980s that gave Patric Swayze his start in their Roseanna video and did the Dune soundtrack.
- Ren: Psychotic rat-dog
- Spuds Mackenzie: The official party animal of the 80's. Inspired cheap knockoffs like Alex from Strohs.
- Pudsey: the constantly-drooling Britain's-Got-Talent winner and star of his own self-titled worst dog movie ever
- Nigger: Black-Lab Mascot of the #617 Squadron of the RAF. Dog who is most famous for inflicting butthurt upon SJWs.
- Buy A Dog
- Isle Of Dogs
- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog
- Mr. Pickles
- Broccoli Dog
- Cupcake Dog
- Pirate Dog
- Chevy the Therapy Dog
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals