—McRooster, on why people play A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.
Defense of the Ancients, or DotA, is a custom game for Warcraft 3 that is used to wean World of Warcraft addicts from their habit, but eventually becomes habit forming itself, similarly to how methadone was used to cure heroin addiction. Although DotA is one of the most popular games today, playing it is like rolling around in shit while doing Jack Thompson's mom, disgusting, unpleasant and downright shitty.
This custom map is single handedly responsible for killing the RTS genre as its bastard offspring spreads like cancer, slowly and unstoppable.
Think Warcraft 3, but instead of controlling an army, you control a single character and your army runs towards the enemy as if they are bored with life and you can't do shit about it. The game primarily consists of you killing the mindless drones on the opposing force to gain experience and gold, using that gold to buy items for your character and using the experience to learn and upgrade abilities, the exact fucking same as any other "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." (Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides). Hopefully your character will become strong enough to defeat the opposing characters so you can destroy their base. To its credit though, playing DotA is like a complete MMORPG experience in thirty minutes, however this is also a bad thing because despite the fact it doesn't consume your life it still feels like you're playing WoW.
THE CUSTOM MAP THAT STARTED IT ALL
Ascend into the realm of autism!
The shit that DOTA truly is
The DotA load screen, it contains cleavage to help attract the nerds.
DotA is not only maybe the most boring game ever, but is the ONLY map that most of the population on Warcraft 3 plays. As a matter of fact, one thing that's a lot more fun than DOTA is the "how few DotA games can you find on the screen at once after refreshing game." To do this, you simply click refresh, and then watch as 80% or more of all the maps that show up are DotA.
Moar reasons that DotA is shit are…
It's like WoW. Playing a game that's LIKE WoW is like jerking off to n00d picz of girls that LOOK under 18.
OMG GENERAL PROUDMOORE BOAT THROWINGNESS OMGOMGOMG IS RIGGED!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@
Along with every other new character in the past 5 versions...
People use blinkstrike to run away from Proudmoore!
Just trying to learn to play is like ROFLSTOMPING your self respect because you're a fuck if you are full of n00b
DotA and blame-shifting
A favorite pastime of 95% of DotA players is to make excuses when they get owned, in a pathetic attempt to shield themselves from the harsh reality that their own shortcomings have just been exposed for the world to see, and to try to maintain what little crumbs the other players probably never held in their minds that the dead player in question is in fact, a good player at all. Excuses are many, ranging from "lag", to "LAAAG" to "LOL I WASN'T WATCHING (tharfore surely i wud have owned yuo)", or another favorite one "Where was my team! What you guys doin?!?! Yall jackin off over there or what?!" On top of this, dissatisfaction often manifests itself amongst some players regarding their inability to do jack shit but sit there and take a fat Blademaster cock up the ass when they get raped by ownage combos, usually in the form of post-death mockery such as "i can push one buttens and get kills WOOO". In this example, "WOOO" is the noise of a child uncontrollably shitting its pants and crying.
In many cases especially in the Philippines, people who become "PROS" in this so-called "game" turn out to be n00bs in real life. Infact ask a regular DotA playing Flip to a video game challenge that doesn't involve Counter Strike or DotA(For added drama, ask him to play a regular skirmish game of Warcraft III) and he will most certainly lose to you on the spot mainly because Counter strike is the only other game the retard would play.
Many variations of the DotA map exist. Some maps cater to Narutards. Others, like Tides of Blood, cater to fuckwits with a scatological sense of humor.
The DotA community is somewhat reminiscent of the Counter-Strike community and I'm not just talking about how members of both communities seem to never get bored of playing the same map over and over. Both communities are full of people who play no other video games and obviously don't think the game is fun at all, the only reason they keep playing is because they are one of the rare few that actually stuck at it long enough to get consistent results and now they have no other life to go back to so the game becomes their everything: their source of social interaction, their source of accomplishments and the source of the illusion that they are actually doing something with their lives. DotA players should not be classified as human beings.
Many DotA players play this game because they are too slow to handle FPS's.
Basically this means that when you play DotA that if your team is losing you can expect to flamed by the loser who's sole purpose in life is to pwn at DotA.
Effects of playing DotA
One of the dreadful effects of watching or playing DotA is the reduction of a bit of your IQ. Another is a slow, horrible death due to internal hemorrhaging. It is also known that your head can explode due to the sheer retardation level and shittiness of the game.
Those whose minds are simple/retarded/stupid enough to somehow TAKE the overall shittiness will have their minds liquefied into a fine goo and transformed into an addict, which is why most DotArds play their shitty game 24/7.
DotA and Noobs
I'm not kidding there are fucking heaps of heroes and the list just keeps growing.
As stated above DotA is not newfag friendly, this isn't because the game is near impossible to master properly (like Pacman) but rather it is completely and totally over complicated. In DotA, there are roughly one hundred characters each with their own stats and unique abilities and almost as many items. To make matters worse in order to actually acquire good items you have to merge items together in what they call a "recipe" which causes the simple decision of choosing an item to increase your agility to take 60 seconds or longer which adds up because you have to keep buying items or you will get pwnedhardcore.
This complicated system results in literally over 9000 different combinations. One would expect that you could simply stick with a handful of characters you actually like but you'd be wrong, the people who obsess over DotA get a great deal of pleasure reminding you of how their mastery is far superior by choosing the "all random" mode which means you could be playing as any of the eighty characters available and to make matters worse all the "hardened" DotArds expect that you have had extensive experience with all characters and memorized all item and ability related documentation.
In the event you are unable to live up to the standards of the benevolentveterans you can expect to be slandered and mocked at every turn. Eventually word will get around about how much you suck so you can expect to be instantly booted from any DotA games you try and join which will prevent you from gaining any useful experience leaving you no choice but to become an hero (or go back to Halo, but who wants to live with that kind of shame?).
DotA and Leagues
DotA has many leagues in which people play dota very... very... seriously. These are some leagues you can register for, google their websites to register this will enable to troll on a whole new level.
/profile Result for more dxd leagues.
The key to trolling such a league is you can flame, troll, talk shit as long as you don't do certain cardinal things I will lay them out here to facilitate trolling:
Do not destroy items of yours or your teams as this will result in you being shitlisted
Do not TK your team obviously
Do not go afk for more than 5 minutes
Do not do worse than 0-7/0-8
Things you can do easily:
Buy retarded or illogical shit
Rice in the jungle
Pretend you don't speak English etc.
Trolling a dota league is far more fun than trolling a public(pub) DotA game!
The sole reason to play this game (other than that of being a loser) is to troll it. Seeing as how anyone who plays this game only has a life in it, you can expect any and every other player of this online game to go COMPLETELY FUCKING PSYCHO every time they see a n00b or a troll. Heaven forbid someone will ruin a perfectly good game for them!
Trolling a DotA game is simple and lulzy. All you need to do is go into a game that says "DOTA NO NOOBS" or "DOTA PROZ ONLY" and act like the noob fuck that you are. Not only does this piss off everyone else in the game, but it means they have to express it with swears, flames, and the host has to remake the game from the very beginning, resulting in a huge waste of time. You can also join games that are nearly full, after typing that you're ready, and that you're not a noob, wait for it to start. A countdown will start , and before the host can react (preferably at the 1 second mark) press ESC for massive lulz. If you failed to leave the game in time, fear not! Your trolling options have only expanded.
Other things you can do:
Pick Holy Knight and cast Test of Faith on allies non stop.
Pick Bloodseeker and cast (level 1) Bloodrage on allies non stop.
Pick Sand King, find an area with lots of traffic, and do nothing but cast Sandstorm the whole game.
Pick Enigma, and cast Eidolon Spawn on ally creeps non stop.
Pick Clockwork Goblin, learn the missile attack, and stay in respawn point firing missiles randomly nonstop.
Pick Broodmother, learn Spin Web and Spiderlings first, cast webs everywhere in enemy lanes, and send out an army of baby spiders for suprise rape.
Pick Morphling, learn Atribute Morph, and turn all of your Strength into Agility(less strength=less health), then rush into battle.
Pick Goblin Techies, and do nothing but cast Suicide Squad, Attack! on enemies.
Pick Venomancer, and cast Plague Wards strategically to trap allies in corners.
Pick Invoker, learn the Ice Wall spell, and cast it when allies are trying to escape.
Pick Butcher and cast Hook on allies non stop.
Pick Prophet and cast Sprout on allies non stop.
Pick Clockwerk Goblin and cast Power Cog near allies.
Pick Bane Elemental and cast Nightmare on allies non stop.
Pick Faceless Void and cast Chronosphere on allies when ranged enemy heroes are near by.
Pick Proudmoore (moar liek Poundmoar, amirite?) and cast X Marks The Spot when they're running away.
Pick Tiny and toss their ass into a group of fags.
Pick Vengeful Spirit, run into an enemy group, then use Nether Swap on an ally.
Pick Keeper of the Light save enough gold for a blink dagger, blink into a place no one can get to or get out of your Ultimate Spell then cast Recall, which teleports people to you. Watch as they rage that they cant move.
Pick Pitlord, buy boots of travel teleport around and take all of the creeps denying your allies gold, train your ultimate ability use it when standing near your allies and teleport them back to your base, over and over again, buy a referesher to do it faster.
Pick Drow Ranger and don't get Ice Arrows or Silence, but get Helm of the Dominator.
Pick Antimage and don't get Mana Break but get Helm of Dominator, and five Blink Daggers.
Pick Lord of Olympus and do nothing but kill steal all game long.
Pick Butcher and cast Rot till you die, say "n00b host". Buy a Hood of Defiance to stay alive longer for maximum trollage.
Pick Magnataur, buy lots of Tangos and a Quelling Blade. Now move to the lower right corner of the map. Hack yourself through the trees until you are in the corner of the map. Cast Skewer in direction of the map's borders. Magnus will completely disappear from the map - the next move you do with Magnus will crash the game for great justice.
Pick Centaur and therefore win the game even if you are asleep or dead for the better part of it.
Unfortunately many of these tactics can be prevented by an experienced player who is aware of the "-disablehelp" command. Thus another and more effective way (as it means you don't have to bother leaving your current game and entering a new one) is by simply clicking on Menu (top of screen) and then "Save Game". This is superior to pausing the game, as saving the game means NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS YOU.
Saving the game results in every other person's DotA game freezing as it is for 20-30 seconds or so, depending on the latency rate of other people; however the best aspect of this method is that the title you use when saving the game will become the name of a file in all players save folder and, since most players are unaware of this, it might be years before they find out. Pick your title wisely for maximum trolling power.
In a sad, pathetic attempt to reduce the amount of drama in DotA games, Many hosts claim to use a banlist that will INSTANTLY BLOW UP YOUR COMPUTER AND GIVE YOU AIDS the second you leave a game. Aspiring trolls need not worry though, because 99% of people screaming "LEAVERS WILL BE BANNED" don't have one in the first place, and because banlists don't do shit anyway since no one took the time to make one that doesn't completely suck. In reality, Banlist is for n00bs that can be gotten around by anybody just by simply making another account.
Still not happy with the amount of trolling you've done? Feel free to add a host or SERIOUS PLAYER to your friends list and continue to talk shit. While spamming a player will quickly get squelched or temp-b& from WC3, shit talking with at least decent grammar is bait that every DotA player needs to bite. Talk about how they were the worst fucking dragon knight you've ever seen. Make fun of their score, their level, or anything game related. Stay clear of personal attacks or anything a 13-year-old boy would write, they'll just ignore you. However, if you DARE TO FUCKING MAKE FUN OF THEIR PLAY STYLE, OHHHHHHHHHH YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW!!!!!
All Pick Easy Mode
All Pick Easy Mode (-apem) is the most common state of affairs you are likely to find yourself in if you participate in the furfaggotry that is DotA. Trolls should avoid this mode at all costs, as its games usually consist primarily of trolls. Many Dotafags have argued that playing this mode makes you a bad person, but this is mostly because Dotafags implicitly add 'at DotA' to any judgment they make about anyone. If you are forced to play DotA, beware of being lulpwnt by quadriplegic infants on Easy Mode. Icefrog has designed it specifically in order to facilitate the largest number of whining sessions ever recorded on the internetz, and has been widely applauded for this decision.
DotA and the least cool music video ever
Swedish homosexualBasshunter wrote a techno song about DotA which somehow managed to get high in the charts of backwards countries like Denmark. According to some people Basshunter is very famous, although no one outside of his home town has ever heard of him.
NOTE: It is delightfully fitting that "Basshunter" has decided to portray himself as living at home with his mother in this video.
Typical DotA Games
This is a typical game of dota. Note ragequits.
This KotL shows us how a DotA game should be played.
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People form DotA clans when they get tired of playing with pub trash and scrubs. Unfortunately, even with clans like TDA that require safelisting or icon, or THR which requires ELO over 1000 to get into Tier 2 games, this does not eliminate scrubs.
TDA - Where the Sentinel is 99% of the time a stacked team of friends
THR - Wwhere anyone with their ELO less than 1000 is a n00b
NEs - (Defunct) Used to spam Clan TDA in fits of nerdraeg
DXD = (Defunct) Imploded when people figured out Banlist is worthless
VALVE'S NEW MONEY-MAKING MACHINE
Ascend into the realm of autism - again!
Last Thursday, Valve kidnapped IceFrog and raped him in every possible way known to mankind, until he agreed to make DotA 2. It was to be released in 2011, but Gabe in the typical Valve fashion, ate half the development crew, so it was delayed for two centuries.
DotA 2 is boasting all the original heroes plus a million more and stays true to the original real-time strategy framework. This will, of course, make all previous versions of DotA defunct, making them forgotten carcasses, dead and rotten, in the mass grave of gaming. Waves of faggots will abandon League of Legends and "hurr durr" as Riot Games slips into bankruptcy. Pendragon will sob and IceFrog will demand a rimjob. The entire player base, minus S2 personnel, left Heroes of Newerth and spilled their blood for DotA 2. It has it's own cash shop so you can buy stupid hats and accessories for your heroes like in Team Fortress 2 or have Dr.Kleiner from Half-Life 2 and other random faggots and lowbrow losers being the announcer(s) of the game.
DotA 2 is known for the worst community in the history of gaming and mankind. Besides the Russian cancer that devoured 80% of the game, the community is completely made out of 13-year-old boys, basement-dwellers, neckbearded fucks, faggots (not to be confused with closet homosexual teenagers), closet homosexual teenagers, russians of all age and shape, attention whores and worst of all, you. If you expect to make friends in this game, think again asshole. Immediately after the match started, people will hate you for picking the wrong hero, picking the wrong items, picking the wrong abilities and picking the wrong lane, subsequently calling you every swear word imaginably. They will bash you, your family, everyone and everything you cared for, all this and more when they announce your existence to the enemy team, who joins in the bashing and eventually everyone will report your dumbass, most of the time falsely, so you will get low priority next time you search for a match. If you're lucky, you will discover the mute buttons and survive the ordeal, but as the nitwit wanker you are, that's probably not gonna happen. All this will probably transcend at around minute 1, 1 and a half, if you're still in game, you will proceed to get continuously gangbanged by the enemy team, because your own team informed them of your position, after that be prepared for more bashing and humiliating chants now mixed with spam from map signals and homoerotic drawings on the minimap.
I am a Russian and I can explain why Russians so bad. Sorry for my bad English. Nearly 80% of Russian DotA players are kids 10-16 years old, so kids kinda don't give a fuck about team playing. They are just stupid kids and think that no one can hurt them in real life if they will do wrong things in internet so they doing what they want. In Russia since Dota 1 every kid played this game in school IT chambers or internet-cafe. DotA 1 was the most popular internet game in Russia after Counter Strike.
—A brief history lesson on how the Russian cancer started
If you're playing this game in Europe, you're royally fucked by default. Every match will consist of random uneducated dolts that don't speak English, most of the time from second world countries, who will immediately assume everyone in the world speaks their mother tongue. The best example are the Russians with their Cyrillic godforsaken horrid abomination of a vocabulary which will eventually clog up the chat. These mongoloid baboon like creatures are so underdeveloped that when questioned why the fuck they don't speak English in the first place, they will attempt to insult you in the most broken, raped and brutalized English in history or they won't even bother trying to use English and instead just insult you in their own language, usually using a microphone while frenetically shouting the same word, while flicking their own shit around, before foaming at the mouth and making angry Chimp noises. Eventually, they will ask why you don't speak Russian (like anyone sane would learn that manure), then they will instantly assume you're American and/or your mother tongue is in fact English, because speaking two or more languages for them is something titanic and inconceivable, completely disregarding the fact that Americans can't even connect to the European grid. After that, you will most likely be reported by any Russian in the game for being "racist", since being a malignant sack of shit, these days, counts as a human classification. The chance of finding only one Russian per game is close to impossible, so the report system will undoubtedly lynch your ass next time you try to play the game. On some rare occasions, that are truly mind boggling, some asinine autistic nitwits will ride in the sunset on a metaphorical dick to oppose this so called "arguing", defending these Russian creatures for no apparent reason, like they all suddenly discovered their dipshit life calling is white knighting for a bunch of inconsequential Finno-Ugric subhuman faggots.
Trolling these retards is futile since, believe it or not, their stupidity is so unparalleled that trolling a caveman with missing chromosomes would generate more lulz. Their understanding of anything insulting is so basic, that the only thing they do understand is infantile slander, like "stupid", "ugly" or some other kindergarten level of retardation. Most Russians are completely immune to trolling, since they don't even understand what you're trying to say, besides few fundamental words; instead you have to either ruin their game or attack their shit smeared culture by spamming words like "vodka" or "putin". Bashing that wasteland they call home with ethnic stereotypes also helps, since that's what infuriates them the most. Usually, trolling the American community is easier, since everyone speaks the same language-- but, in Europe, the trolling mechanism is so much more vast and complicated since most of the time, your targets are illiterate uneducated primitive shits. Thus, you're forced to decipher alien communications while struggling to figure out how to actually get past basic insults. It's like trying to teach a quadriplegic to swim. From what I gathered, the insult most commonly used in the community is the word "kid" or any other synonym or equivalent that belittles your maturity. Ironically, these apes don't understand that using ageism as a retort in a video game is the ultimate paradox. Also, most of the people who actually use the term "kid" are kids themselves, because their cretinous embryonic gray matter is so nonexistent that they just mime every insult they receive, because being too original could give them a fucking seizure. They will continue with other insults regarding your mom or your intelligence, by using the most broken English you could experience in your life time. In the end, they will eventually run out of words, and believe me, it will be quick; Desperate, they will start to bash your game score, spamming with "lol" and "haha" or some other stupid foreign equivalent like "jaja" or "xaxa", calling you "noob", "scrub" or anything related, since for them, pixels are the default criteria upon which they give meaning and value to themselves or to other people. So in their eyes, it doesn't matter if you discover the cure for cancer or save a dying child, if you don't do well in a video game, you may as well eat shit and die.
It's literally impossible to avoid playing with Russians, since no one will IP block them to their godforsaken zone and picking any of the European regions besides Russia doesn't do shit, considering that without a doubt the Russians are doing exactly the same thing to spread their taint. Thus, you're inescapably compelled to play with these intestinal parasites. Since playing with brain dead chauvinistic dipshits is mandatory, you will sooner or later suffer the consequences of opening your mouth to oppose the Russian idiocy you will surely experience.
Without a doubt, the slow cretins who made this game knew from the start what inbred philistine maggots will eventually populate their sebum smeared community, and since copying something is easier than figuring shit out by yourself, Valve decided to take the approach Riot did with their abomination and implement a report system. Both systems in both games are equally useless and retarded, since anyone can be griefed, in the sense that, you can be falsely reported by anyone who doesn't like you. Now of course, you may think this can't possible be true, since someone would realize sooner or later this is bound to happen in an online video game. Well no, also no one cares, fuck your mother. The system will flag your ass especially when you are the victim, because quite often you will fight two or more people who will drop more reports than you, so basically you've lost from the start. In reality, this "judging" system is a joke, it could, as well as be managed by a Gibbon monkey. The best punishment in the entire system is the one that blocks your total communications for a certain amount of time, sometimes days. Like putting salt on a wound, your ability to exchange information is completely shut down, and since you're playing an online competitive game, this factor not only does absolutely destroy your capability to properly play the game but also fucks up your teammates experience as well (who I guess are "innocent"), since a big part of the whole play is team work. You can still use up to three map signals that no one will notice and some in game voice commands that limit you to very basic calls, like some faggot is missing from your lane or to fall back, but things like, telling people there are wards on your lane so you can't gank, is out of the question. Also, the cherry on top of the shit cake is reserved to the fact that there's nothing telling your teammates you're muted. Hence, everyone will think you're some stupid speechless asshole ruining their game, resulting in more REPORTS! In conclusion, this whole deal is a perpetual loop of immense stupidity. The report and punishment systems are utter liquid shit and the majority of people are still stupid assholes. Nothing changed, nothing will ever change, the community will remain the same toxic waste it always has been. Good going, retards.
The learning curve of DotA 2 and DotA in general is wider than the diameter of UY Scuti (largest known star, diameter 2,375,828,000 km, fuck you). The only way you can learn this game is by dedicating your life to DotA, killing your family so they won't disturb your existence and building yourself a tube-like-device that will force feed you oatmeal so you will never have to move away from your computer. Also popular in the community is to dig a whole right next your monitor to shit and piss directly into it, if the smell is to bad, block the whole with the dead bodies of your family members which you previously murdered.
The competitive scene is irrelevant, because of Asians. It doesn't matter how much you will study, learn and practice DotA, you will eventually be raped and humiliated by Asians, who naturally form a symbiotic relationship with video games. After that you will realize what a waste of human resource you are and all that time playing and learning DotA you could have spent discovering the sun light or french kissing a shotgun. Of course, that goes without saying that every professional DotA 2 player is a complete nut job. They're appearance range from very skinny pale fruitcakes with disproportional limbs, to extremely bloated fucks, with beer guts the size of Bingham Mine. Not even mentioning the fact that half of them are beyond repair, unsocial, downright slimy, ugly and borderline retarded.
There's a trend in the competitive scene that some professional players swallowed up, which is to completely and utterly fail at adopting a "troll" alter-ego. They grandiosely believe they're funny "trolls" if they act like uneducated mongoloid children in front of the camera and during interviews, making "freeze" faces when asked a question and answering with the same reaction or response, while trying to contain a laugh. This obvious comedic genius activities are beyond our comprehension and we shouldn't even dare to criticize it because we are not worthy to experience the genius that it is, like for example, walking on stage while dancing the original, classy and extraordinaryGangam Style "dance", because it's funny when you're a mainstream unoriginal dolt. I guess that's why life gave him does magnificent virgin powers, to aid him in harassing and taunting his opponents after winning in a video game.
Behold the retardation.
Behold the retardation, again.
Reason to beat your kids.
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Depending on how much life hates you, matchmaking takes from 1 to 15 eons. To make matters worst, every time the supposed game queue is ready to start, people are either too busy fingering their assholes or opening their bags of Oreos to notice or hear the fucking "Accept" bar that pops up in the middle of the screen. Inevitably, there's always the random wooden PC motherfucker, who never heard of system requirements before and who can't even load Minesweeper fullscreen, but instead he's trying to run the game on his trusty toaster by gently resting his sack on the sizzling coals from under his gargantuan pot belly. This, without mentioning the retards with potato connections and disconnects in the middle of the queue. Thus, the whole process restarts, forcing you into an infinite loop of retardation, because you will be sent back to matchmaking again and again, but with "high priority", basically adding the spit to your already constant anal delight.
Phonic pollution will ensure from mic spam and map signals, most of the time from attention whores, idiots, children, you, dipshits that nonchalantly talk in their foreign language or people who are raging from a previous game they've lost. Playing a match without a feeder, random rage quitter, random afker, random disconnect, random non-stop jungle farmer, random scrub, random mic/signal spammer, random child, random faggot-couple that steals a lane and/or only plays together, random no-lifer who ganks the entire game or without a stacked enemy team formed from friends or a clan/team is 99% impossible. Thus, you're forced to be inevitably raped one match after another. Enjoy.
Russians pretty much summed up.
Russians pretty much summed up, again.
Why buying a life should be a top priority.
The delight of foreigners.
It's all fun and games.
Pubs summed up.
Some random faggot bitching about the game.
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Here we have the heroes. Their only purpose in life is to run up a dirt road, through a river, to beat the shit out of each other. Being a Warcraft 3 mod, the heroes are all re-skinned versions of their former selves, originally found in the cheesy and melodramatic Warcraft lore. Besides the normal re-skins, because of the continuous bitching of basement-dwellers, more "heroes" were added on the way, which were basically normal creatures found throughout the game, but with a different skin color and slapped with hero abilities. This task was sufficient to elude the feeble baby minds of the hysterical manchildren who played the game.
At the procreation of the second game, significant effort has been made to completely remake these heroes to look more accordingly to fit the community. Cartoon like graphics were needed, enhanced breast physics and larger cleavages. Also the ingenious developers at Valve decided to add something new and different to the game... a large wardrobe to accommodate the needs of every player to properly dress their virtual alter egos. The heroes now are more colorful, their spells are more shiny and their voices were produced by professional voice actors.
Crystal Meth & Fire Bimbo zoning each other. The only reason why anyone plays this shit.
Abaddon - The most original character in the history of mankind. He totally can't be found in every movie, video game, comic, religion, song and culture in existence. The logical conclusion would be that his purpose was to replace that pussybitchArthas, because a game isn't complete without the typical mundane putrid faggot with a pansy "evil" voice and a raggedy ass cape, obsessed with death, mist, eternal damnation or any other emo shit like that.
Alchemist - A favorite among Jews. If he turns purple, don't bother trying to kill him.
Ancient Apparition - Needs to be good to use him but only people that suck pick him.
The ultimate party pooper
Watch out for this spell, it will wreck your shit.
Anti-Mage - No fun allowed.
Axe - A shaggy blood soaked tampon with legs. He's a transfigured version of Grom Hellscream, probably made so fanboys would shut the fuck up, but someone went a little overboard when they ended up with an over-sized red orangutan with plump juicy man tits. He speaks like someone trapped in the mid 1800's and has the face of a rapist who rapes rapists. His weapon is a big axe, obviously to compensate for his enormous dick. He randomly swings his axe 360° when hit, so patting him on the back when you meet him in a coffee shop wouldn't be such a good idea. (How the fuck can you sound eloquent covered in blood while you look like someone who crushes rocks with his face for a living?)
Bane - DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIT HIM! DO NOT HIM! YOU FAGGOT!
Batrider - Serial arsonist and rodeo champion.
Beastmaster - Another re-skinned asshole, made to replace Rexxar, but instead of getting a fat bloated fuck with a black Hello Kitty mask, the end result was someone who landed head first in a bucket filled with red paint. Also, they decided to stick two goat horns into his forehead, because nothing says beastly more than two erect phalluses attached to your head. He summons the rare and mystical flying chicken and a Skag, because why not. He does his ultimate by forcing one of is axes deep into his prostate. No one knows if the scream he makes is from pleasure, pain or both.
Bloodseeker - Absolutely worthless unless you're playing in pubs, which of course, you are. Also, you can't run from this faggot.
Bounty Hunter - The result of a Lynx raping a Sphynx or the wet dream of a furfag who infiltrated the development team. He's the protagonist alongside Riki in the short story, Brokeback Bottomlane. His passive ability lets him occasionally give you surprise buttlove from the shadows. After his done enlarging your rectum, being the insatiable horny weasel that everybody knows he is, he will eventually track you down to repeat the process. To add insult to injury, the tracking rewards him extra money every time you reacquaint.
Brewmaster - A drunken sleazebag furry who spills beer on everyone while hitting them with a stick. His ultimate involves gang rape. Made to replace Chen Stormstout and maybe made as an homage to that drunken master movie from the 70's.
Bristleback - What you get if a drunk hog with a raging hard on, stumbles upon a sleeping porcupine in the forest, at 4 in the morning, fucks it brutally and shits out an offspring. He fights by flicking his buggers at everyone while randomly ejaculating spikes everywhere. His missing one eye because he was jacking off while staring directly into his pee hole.
Chaos Knight - Don't feed this fucker, he will hit you like his arms are trucks.
Chen - A Christfag wearing a turban whose only redeeming trait is recruiting creeps into his religion. Press R to win.
Clinkz - Playing this hero early game is fittingly like being burned alive.
Clockwerk - Pretty badass. Can nuke anyone from across the map.
Crystal Maiden - Does atrociously bad damage until she has BKB and as such can actually use her ultimate, at which point she will take more lives than the Holocaust did.
Dark Seer - Sonic the Hedgehog except purple. Creates a wacky house of overpowered mirrors.
Dazzle - If an emo, a faggot and a troll could somehow have a three-way love-child, it would be Dazzle. Has three shit abilities and one unbelievably fucking good one that he is never alive to use.
Death Prophet - Her one wish in life is to become an Hero. Swoops around with her army of dead hookers. If she gets an early advantage you might as well deny your own ancient.
Disruptor - Nobody plays Disruptor. The ponytailed hippie bitch wife of Axe, also made to replace Thrall. He has two mini Tesla coils attached to his back and rides some kind of a reptile/dinosaur thing for some reason. Shit ugly.
Doom - If Sauron in roid rage, fucked a goat with flimsy wings, you get Doom. His ultimate is sticking a pentagram to your ass, because a pentagram totally has everything to do with Lucifer and Christianity and totally not stolen from paganism.
Dragon Knight - Every fantasy game needs something to do with warriors and dragons, warriors riding dragons, warriors working with dragons or warriors turning into dragons or everything mixed up in this bland unoriginal heap of shit.
Drow Ranger - Can kill you as soon you enter her attack range. Goth/emo cumdumpster raised by hippies living in the forest. She ran away after giving birth to her 13th child. She keeps an infinite amount of arrows in her prolapsed vagina.
Earthshaker - Buy a blink dagger to obliterate the entire enemy team with two button presses and a mouse click.
Enchantress - Invincible to both right-clickers and Kiters. The wet dream of every furfag. Do not try to fucking run away from this hero.
Enigma - Only used for his ultimate.
Faceless Void - Has two abilities involving you not being able to move, and his other two involve you not being able to hit him.
Gyrocopter - A Jewish midget stuck in a helicopter. He fires a homing missile that will chase you to Mordor and back. His ultimate involves nuking Palestine, because stealing their country wasn't enough.
Invoker - Has literally the most useless ultimate in the game.
Jakiro - Two headed dragon thing. Literally does nothing but fly around and vomit fire and ice on people.
Juggernaut - Because every game needs a mysterious masked pseudo-Oriental samurai person.
Keeper of the Light - An ugly, poorly dressed Gandalf riding a moose. Morons try to play him as a carry too much. If you hear a hissing noise, write a will.
Kunkka - Step 1: Build Daedalus. Step 2: Right Click one of the enemy heroes. Step 3: ???? Step 4. PROFIT!
Leshrac - Stand around and get kills. Implicated in 9/11 for his tower-destroying proficiency.
Lich - Made to replace Kel'Thuzad, a favorite among necrophiliacs and goths. He's the best example for a facelift gone wrong, and the reason why his wanted for the alleged murder of a plastic surgeon. Rumored to have been black, suffering from Vitiligo, he turned into Smurf blue and in rage chopped his nose off. His favorite tactic is spamming frost blast at people, then running away while laughing like a child. His ultimate is basically AIDS. You must avoid it at all costs but your team mates will love running into each other when he uses it, anyway.
Lifestealer - Because every game needs a Gollum. Although, this version is, believe it or not, uglier than him. His name is "Lifestealer" because he steals life, get it? What an incredible range for a name pick. Who could imagine the stress and brainstorming this fucker did when he came up with this stroke of genius. His ultimate ability lets him infest friendly targets and surprise his enemies by exploding out of your urethra, because nothing's more friendly than forcing yourself in someones body. Everyone will jungle this retard, buy wards and place them all over the forest. Use a faggot with invisibility and harass/gank him until ragequit.
Lina - Pyromaniac ginger who is permanently mad about her sister having a better ult.
Lion - Two ways to make you useless and a kill button.
Lone Druid - Geriatric furry who stalks the map with his "forest wife". Capable of donning a fursuit himself.
Luna - Only remembered for her stupid pseudo-Celtic accent.
Lycanthrope - Only good for jungling and pushing. He usually fails at both.
Mirana - Definitely not Luna.
Morphling - Use morph to convert all of your strength into agility. Strength is for scrubs.
Naga Siren - The fight game is over when the fish lady sings.
Nature's Prophet - Overpowered cunt who teleports around the map raping the enemy team's buildings while his team is forced to 4v5.
Necrolyte - Gives AIDS to anyone around him. Press R to steal kills.
Night Stalker - Likes to party when the sun sets. Gives people hugs when they least expect it.
Nyx Assassin - Invisible bug/scorpion retard. Re-skin of Anub'arak, he stuns exactly like Lion. What immense variety.
Ogre Magi - Likely the protagonist of the game, as the player can easily self-insert into the character as an avatar.
Omniknight - Made to replace Uther the Lightbitch, because every game needs a shitty paladin. The worst support in the game hands-down. No disables, requires farm, doesn't scale.
Outworld Destroyer - Destroys feeble Christian minds with his obviously-superior Intelligence, utilising his Euphoric Aura and Atheist Orb.
Phantom Assassin - Ninja smurfette who can hit for at least half the health pool of most heroes if she hits level 16, even with literally no items. A re-skin of Maiev Shadowsong, a lesbian stalker cow obsessed with a poor blind guy.
Phantom Lancer - Avatar LARPer who is superb against retards. Can push like a woman in labour but a pretty awful carry.
Pudge - Pudge's hook can cause the most rage in the game, both for the enemy and his own team. He's basically you, after you finally chocked on that KFC wing, got reanimated, forklifted out of your basement and chained in your mothers kitchen. Popularized by Dendi, every fuckwit thinks they can play this character to Dendi's level, in reality most pudges are completely terrible and become a burden after 15 minutes because they are fucking morons who just watched a Dendi montage and think they can emulate what they just watched. If pudge is in your top hero's you're a piece of shit go kill yourself.
Pugna - Picked to counter every spellcaster in the game. It's the squishiest thing imaginable until you get Aghanim's Scepter, which lets you continuously suck out the life of anyone within a 50-meter radius. He looks like the undiscovered midget victim of Commie experiments, forced to fuck a bighorn sheep, then to kill himself by removing his lower jaw with a chain cutter.
Razor - Hula-dancing electrocunt who boogies his way around the map stealing people's attack damage. Incoming nerf.
Riki - Riki is the cat-bat-goat mutant, who suffers from exhibitionism, and loves marauding the map. His passive ability gives him extra damage when his giving you a rimjob. He loves throwing sacks of dandruff in your eyes while jumping on you for a piggyback ride. His ultimate makes him always invisible and a master peeping Tom, so when you're taking a bath in the river don't be confused when your clothes suddenly disappear. Often completely wrecks the pub scene, but mostly because everyone is too busy to buy wards or dust.
Rubick - Nigga who can steal ultimates, use it, run away, repeat the process. He never backs down and he will eventually fuck you beyond recognition if used with a brain.
Skeleton King - Used to only require one key to play. Then patch 6.78 came along and made things way too complicated.
Skywrath Mage - Single-handedly responsible for every throw since his debut.
Slardar - Most sloppily-made hero in the game.
Sniper - No skill. Single handedly the biggest piece of shit rage inducing character, offers absolutely nothing to a team. The team must sacrifice almost everything in order to protect sniper, selfish pick, takes a long time before hes actually useful, all in all just the worst fucking scrub tier character which all the idiots pick.
Tiny - Tolkien rock giant/golem character. Every time he falls down a hill, he gets bigger, because shit keeps getting stuck to him. Only gay couples play him, because they can mix him with another hero.
Imagine the freakish one-night stand between World of Warcraft, drunk off his ass, and the sopping wet cunt of DotA. The result of such anal play is League of Legends, a festering anal wart that will haunt "Guinsoo" and "Pendragon" to their graves. It is basically a polished up version of dota, only with a set of tutorials for the newfags.
Fortunately, to make the whole experience more exciting, some new deep gameplay mechanics have been introduced. For instance, if you don't have flash on cooldown, you'll rape your enemies in the ass every single time you try, making the game truly fun and entertaining to play.
Here some sweet fucking things you can do in League of Legends:
Download it, play it and uninstall it FOR FREE!
Participate in games ranging from 25 minutes to MORE THAN AN HOUR! Enemy team got ya down? Getting fisted right to the shoulder? The client ties your account's ID to every game you join so if you try to quit and play another, YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO IT!
Use points you earn in games to purchase new champions! Don't even think about saving up for skins 'cause you have to buy RRRRRRIOT POINTS for that! Cunts!
Level up through the ranks! Invest points in talents! Buy the extra 0.02 HP rune because that's the ONLY REASON you aren't winning at your skill level!
Purchase champions from the store and pick from ten free ones EVERY WEEK! But seriously, you and I both know you will suck at any one you pick. This is the game Koreans play with one hand and punish the slightest error with total e-rape, forcing you to focus your energy on a single champion to get good. Then a day comes where, by the wind of luck, you will TOTALLY FUCKING PWN. Waves of monsters will fall at your feet, enemy heroes will quiver in fright and your allies will tongue your testicles. However, this surge of e-peen will melt to a string of losses and butthurt as you try to explain zero assists and constant feeding. Yeah, I'm sure that build got you a legendary streak last game. Maybe you should stick to playing against AI bots and phone us when you're ready for some teamwork.
GET ADDICTED! League of Legends has all the enticing elements of WoW! Collect enough gold to buy the black phallus you've been eying! Shit the same ball of magic on the same goddamn monster for the fucking thousandth time! Masturbate over one character and die inside when the Infinity Edge you farmed for vanishes at game's end! Now you can have the life sucked out of you in thirty minutes or less, GUARANTEED!
LoL was created by Riot Games, a group of DotA fantards from around the globe willing to make goals such as pioneering the game genre, Aeon of Strife.
Heroes of New-URFF
THE PART-TIME DOTA REPLACEMENT YOU HAD TO PAY FOR
Hear people scream through the microphone!
Why would anyone want to play HoN anymore?
S2 Games, fresh out of ideas for almost seven years, decided to cash in on the "session based multiplayer action RPG game" crop. Having produced two other games based around their mystical faerie world Newerth, they decided to crank out a DotA clone based on the same dull world. S2 offered IceFrog an ass-ton of money so he would give them pointers on how to fuck up their game beyond all recognition. He said, "Sure, why not? I'll be going to Valve anyway so you'll be bankrupt and giving blowjobs in a year. Might as well shoot yourselves now, faggots, 'cause I'll be the one wrapping a twenty around my cock." Fanboys misinterpreted this as "ICEFROG DEVELOPED HON, SO DOTA 2 CAN'T BE BETTER! LOL FAGS!" Thus, Heroes of Newerth was cloned.
Voice chat is incorporated into the fucking game! Now you can hear your fat teammates wheeze as they call you a dripping cunt for the thousandth time!
If you don't have the balls to take people hating you, either take the suggestion mentioned in every single forum post and leave, or else take the other suggestion and an hero. The only response by the community would be lulz.
Marry HoN. Just marry the motherfucking game. Don't ever play or even talk about another game again. There is no other game. You bought the HoN roster, now never say anything other than "HoN" on the forums, or you're fucking dead.
Diss Dota 2, because games that aren't drowned in bloom/DOF effects aren't worth shit.
HI-REZ STUDIOS AT THEIR BEST
Accurately depicted deities
When your ankles get randomly ticklish during the day, that's your queue to trim some bush.
Smite is the newly delivered miscarriage in the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." department, currently in beta, unfortunately it was released. Conceived by the collective brain dead putzes at Hi-Rez Studios, who not only single-handedly gangraped Tribes beyond recognition but also decided to flee the sinking ship, when their own community realized what a bunch of stupid assholes they are.
Hi-Shit Studios having no original concept or design of their own, decided to stop kicking the dead horse in the room and search for ideas in the dark bowels of gaming. This instantly gave the entire development crew a seizure but not before stumbling upon the mangled corpse of DotA. Like the rest of the vultures before them, they eagerly started to devour every ounce of DotA they could find and after several days of indigestion, Hi-Rez Studios sharted out Smite, a third person perspective remake of DotA but with a cesspool of mythological deities to replace heroes.
The heroes or "Gods" are entirely made for basement-dwellers, pedophiles, furfags and 13-year-oldinternet tough guys because their already over sized dipshit kiddie egos aren't large enough, but now they can run around calling themselves gods. Also as a bonus, dumb cunts can now remember Zeus as a flying bearded Fabio in a half-dress, who didn't cut his pubes for a millennia. Most of the gods are half mongrel half something and the rest are just textbook retarded.
Smite was slapped with religious controversy, mainly from Hindu leaders, because Kali (Hindu goddess associated with empowerment) is depicted as a blue cum dumpster with legs. As expected, Hi-Rez Studios CEO and master fletcher, Todd Harris, fagged the fuck out and told the religious leaders to QQ some moar. To add another scoop to the shit sundae, they also told them that they will add more Hindu deities to the mix, taking douchebaggery to a whole new level.
The game already has a competitive scene, which can be called the saddest thing ever. The game has six main game types because playing old fashioned DotA isn't torture enough. You can now enjoy a game of king of the hill, capture the flag/point or play a practice match so you can more efficiently contemplate on your suicide options. Instead of destroying an ancient, the goal of the game is to kill a hunk of shit that's basically the final boss. Also, the tier 3 tower was replaced by a phoenix bitch that will eventually re-spawn, so the whole point of clearing a lane lost all of it's fucking meaning. Like they haven't stole enough from DotA, somehow they added the buff creeps from League of Legends, so now the game can be officially called the incest offspring of DotA, League of Legends and Land of Chaos (third person perspective).
QED, this game is a putrid sack of shit.
LOCO: Land of Chaos Online
KOREANS AND THE CONCEPT OF FOREIGN LANGUAGES
Misunderstood azn masterpiece
What in the name of fuck...
Proof that Asians have no comprehension of any other culture outside their borders. Long ago, somewhere in an opium den, a bunch of sweaty Koreans woke up and discovered no one is playing Aeon of Strife anymore so they decided to simultaneously have explosive diarrhea on a CRT monitor. The result was "LOCO", because loco pretty much summarizes the entire game. As previously mentioned, LOCO, is a third person perspective game from around 2010 or so. The game is a mixture between two of the most tasteless, mundane and repulsive things in the world, DotA and anime. As predicted, the playable characters range from anything the Asian mind can fantasize. From lolis, furries and vampires to a half furrie half loli big headed demon midget with a Star Wars skin. The worst attempt in human history was made when they tried to actually name these characters. Original and thoughtful names like "Foxlady" or "AAKbah", which is safe to say was constructed after the dude in charge collapsed on the keyboard, probably from starvation.
Like with any other free-to-play bullshit agenda, there's a costume shop where you can buy different colored panties and necklace dildos for the accurately depicted tall muscular Asian men and big breasted Asian women. To the rejoice of weeaboos everywhere, there's literally so much skin showing in this game that buying costumes is irrelevant.
There are two game modes: deathmatch and the usual DotA scenario. In deathmatch you have 12 minutes to brutally fist fuck each other to win. The cap is 300, but it's impossible to reach it anyway. In the normal DotA mode you do all the usual bits but instead of killing a building or a dude at the end of the lanes, you gotta kill both. First you destroy the headquarters, then you have to kill the commander which gets summoned after you fucked up his crib.
Console kiddies now have another reason to kill themselves
Juan ring to rule them all!
Recently discovered fact that originality may be the source of cancer, game developers everywhere started producing "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." games like there's no tomorrow. Because the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." machine keeps vomiting out hunks of shit every month or so, we're forced to witness the never ending sodomy of everything and anything we may enjoy.
The newly added victim to this rape fest is the land of Middle-Earth. The existence of this game is proof that J. R. R. Tolkien has a reason to turn and do back flips in his grave. Monolith Productions are the geniuses behind original games like "Gotham City Impostors" and the successfully acclaimed "The Matrix Online". Developing a DotA clone requires enough room in your skull to produce a single synapse, thus we are facing a miracle. Monolith Productions are truly the messengers of God!
"Guardians of Middle-Earth" is the newly discovered tumor that will be worshiped by every drooling psychopath in love with Sauron. Now players have the opportunity to play in a top-down view with Ian McKellen, Hodor, Smiguel and Frodo's taint. Every hero from the books will be playable, but not Sean Bean, he's dead... he's always dead... he successfully got himself killed in both movies: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" and "The Lord of the Rings: Game of Thrones".
Fletchers of Middle-earth was first released for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 consoles on December 4, 2012, via the PlayStation Network and Xbox Live Arcade respectively. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
Super Monday Night Combat
ÜBER ENTERTAINMENT IS NOT RACIST... IT'S NOT
The copy of a copy of a copy?
Accurately depicted black person in the vision of Über Entertainment!
Do you want to know the recipe for a real shitty concoction? Find an outhouse, pour in Team Fortress 2 and add a little bit of DotA and a coup of complete lack of originality mixed with the most confusing menu in history of gaming. You stir for a couple of minutes, then you pour the mix down your own asshole while you asphyxiate yourself. The parasite inside you will continue to ravage and consume your dead body for a couple of hours. When it's fully matured, it will leave your corpse and find the nearest gullible idiot to rob him of all his money. Fortunately, very few are dumb enough to play Super Monday Night Combat, hence the community is pretty much nonexistent.
Super Monday Night Combat is the free to play "sequel" to Monday Night Combat. It's actually the same fucking game, turned free to play. Who the hell thought it will be a good idea to make a completely new game instead of just updating the last one? The guys at Über Entertainment did. You know, when they took breaks from playing DotA, Team Fortress 2 and waxing each others assholes.
Kudos to them, for not only developing one of the most unoriginal video game ever... twice... but doing that with the most unoriginal name in existence.
At least 100 years ago, no one gave a fuck about DotA. Blizzard, being too busy munching on its own asshole and milking WoW, miserably failed to notice some random shitty Warcraft 3 custom map, that was stuck in the shadow of their beloved cash cow for 7 years. Then, when another company decided to invest in the map, they quickly decided they suddenly have interest in the game. Being the slimy weasels they are, Blizzard sued Valve for the rights of the DotA name. Challenging the great lord Gabe Newell was retarded. The dispute ended up with an obvious defeat at the feet of The Hunger That Does Not Cease. Now since Blizzard received an elbow deep fisting from Valve, they decided they won't just fuck off to the kitchen, but instead, make their own retarded DotA clone, using characters from all of their games, hence Heroes of the Storm. The millionth Blizzard game having a Over 9000 month long alpha and beta going on where everyone will beg for access keys.
Heroes of the Storm as of now has five completely unique maps featuring the gimmick of being able to win the game by constantly collecting this or activating that objective to summon a giant strong godzilla monster who gives debuffs or shoots cannonballs from its tits at enemy buildings or units because that is totally fair and requires a lot of skill.