DotA

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Because it's addictive. Like gay porn.
 

 
 

McRooster, on why people play A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.

Note:DotA is an Old game. For the current version see DotA 2

Defense of the Ancients, or DotA, is a custom game for Warcraft 3 that is used to wean World of Warcraft addicts from their habit, but eventually becomes habit forming itself, similarly to how methadone was used to cure heroin addiction. Although DotA is one of the most popular games today, playing it is like rolling around in shit while doing Jack Thompson's mom, disgusting, unpleasant and downright shitty.

This custom map is single handedly responsible for killing the RTS genre as its bastard offspring spreads like cancer, slowly and unstoppable.

Contents

What is DotA?

Think Warcraft 3, but instead of controlling an army, you control a single character and your army runs towards the enemy as if they are bored with life and you can't do shit about it. The game primarily consists of you killing the mindless drones on the opposing force to gain experience and gold, using that gold to buy items for your character and using the experience to learn and upgrade abilities, the exact fucking same as any other "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." (Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides). Hopefully your character will become strong enough to defeat the opposing characters so you can destroy their base. To its credit though, playing DotA is like a complete MMORPG experience in thirty minutes, however this is also a bad thing because despite the fact it doesn't consume your life it still feels like you're playing WoW.

DotA


Old Dota Logo.png


THE CUSTOM MAP THAT STARTED IT ALL
Ascend into the realm of autism!


The shit that DOTA truly is

The DotA load screen, it contains cleavage to help attract the nerds.

DotA is not only maybe the most boring game ever, but is the ONLY map that most of the population on Warcraft 3 plays. As a matter of fact, one thing that's a lot more fun than DOTA is the "how few DotA games can you find on the screen at once after refreshing game." To do this, you simply click refresh, and then watch as 80% or more of all the maps that show up are DotA.

Moar reasons that DotA is shit are…

  1. It's like WoW. Playing a game that's LIKE WoW is like jerking off to n00d picz of girls that LOOK under 18.
  2. It's not newfag friendly.
  3. There's gay shit everywhere.
  4. OMG GENERAL PROUDMOORE BOAT THROWINGNESS OMGOMGOMG IS RIGGED!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@
  5. Along with every other new character in the past 5 versions...
  6. People use blinkstrike to run away from Proudmoore!
  7. Just trying to learn to play is like ROFLSTOMPING your self respect because you're a fuck if you are full of n00b


DotA and blame-shifting

A favorite pastime of 95% of DotA players is to make excuses when they get owned, in a pathetic attempt to shield themselves from the harsh reality that their own shortcomings have just been exposed for the world to see, and to try to maintain what little crumbs the other players probably never held in their minds that the dead player in question is in fact, a good player at all. Excuses are many, ranging from "lag", to "LAAAG" to "LOL I WASN'T WATCHING (tharfore surely i wud have owned yuo)", or another favorite one "Where was my team! What you guys doin?!?! Yall jackin off over there or what?!" On top of this, dissatisfaction often manifests itself amongst some players regarding their inability to do jack shit but sit there and take a fat Blademaster cock up the ass when they get raped by ownage combos, usually in the form of post-death mockery such as "i can push one buttens and get kills WOOO". In this example, "WOOO" is the noise of a child uncontrollably shitting its pants and crying.

In many cases especially in the Philippines, people who become "PROS" in this so-called "game" turn out to be n00bs in real life. Infact ask a regular DotA playing Flip to a video game challenge that doesn't involve Counter Strike or DotA(For added drama, ask him to play a regular skirmish game of Warcraft III) and he will most certainly lose to you on the spot mainly because Counter strike is the only other game the retard would play.

Many variations of the DotA map exist. Some maps cater to Narutards. Others, like Tides of Blood, cater to fuckwits with a scatological sense of humor.


DotA players

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU

The average DotA player is not only a retard, but a nerdy azn, he is also usually a fucktard and a homo who sucks cock everyday. They have usernames such as Iluvlittleboys223,M1(H43L _| and Iamtehsuxxorz365, GapingChasm.

The DotA community is somewhat reminiscent of the Counter-Strike community and I'm not just talking about how members of both communities seem to never get bored of playing the same map over and over. Both communities are full of people who play no other video games and obviously don't think the game is fun at all, the only reason they keep playing is because they are one of the rare few that actually stuck at it long enough to get consistent results and now they have no other life to go back to so the game becomes their everything: their source of social interaction, their source of accomplishments and the source of the illusion that they are actually doing something with their lives. DotA players should not be classified as human beings. Many DotA players play this game because they are too slow to handle FPS's.

Basically this means that when you play DotA that if your team is losing you can expect to flamed by the loser who's sole purpose in life is to pwn at DotA.


Effects of playing DotA

One of the dreadful effects of watching or playing DotA is the reduction of a bit of your IQ. Another is a slow, horrible death due to internal hemorrhaging. It is also known that your head can explode due to the sheer retardation level and shittiness of the game.

Those whose minds are simple/retarded/stupid enough to somehow TAKE the overall shittiness will have their minds liquefied into a fine goo and transformed into an addict, which is why most DotArds play their shitty game 24/7.

DotA and Noobs

I'm not kidding there are fucking heaps of heroes and the list just keeps growing.

As stated above DotA is not newfag friendly, this isn't because the game is near impossible to master properly (like Pacman) but rather it is completely and totally over complicated. In DotA, there are roughly one hundred characters each with their own stats and unique abilities and almost as many items. To make matters worse in order to actually acquire good items you have to merge items together in what they call a "recipe" which causes the simple decision of choosing an item to increase your agility to take 60 seconds or longer which adds up because you have to keep buying items or you will get pwned hardcore.

This complicated system results in literally over 9000 different combinations. One would expect that you could simply stick with a handful of characters you actually like but you'd be wrong, the people who obsess over DotA get a great deal of pleasure reminding you of how their mastery is far superior by choosing the "all random" mode which means you could be playing as any of the eighty characters available and to make matters worse all the "hardened" DotArds expect that you have had extensive experience with all characters and memorized all item and ability related documentation.

In the event you are unable to live up to the standards of the benevolent veterans you can expect to be slandered and mocked at every turn. Eventually word will get around about how much you suck so you can expect to be instantly booted from any DotA games you try and join which will prevent you from gaining any useful experience leaving you no choice but to become an hero (or go back to Halo, but who wants to live with that kind of shame?).

DotA and Leagues

DotA has many leagues in which people play dota very... very... seriously. These are some leagues you can register for, google their websites to register this will enable to troll on a whole new level.

  • Clan gdg
  • Clan Syn
  • Clan dxd

/profile Result for more dxd leagues.

The key to trolling such a league is you can flame, troll, talk shit as long as you don't do certain cardinal things I will lay them out here to facilitate trolling:

  • Do not destroy items of yours or your teams as this will result in you being shitlisted
  • Do not TK your team obviously
  • Do not go afk for more than 5 minutes
  • Do not do worse than 0-7/0-8

Things you can do easily:

  • Buy retarded or illogical shit
  • Play terribly
  • Rice in the jungle
  • Pretend you don't speak English etc.

Trolling a dota league is far more fun than trolling a public(pub) DotA game!

Trolling a DotA Game

Fun ends here.png

An in-depth guide

The sole reason to play this game (other than that of being a loser) is to troll it. Seeing as how anyone who plays this game only has a life in it, you can expect any and every other player of this online game to go COMPLETELY FUCKING PSYCHO every time they see a n00b or a troll. Heaven forbid someone will ruin a perfectly good game for them!

Trolling a DotA game is simple and lulzy. All you need to do is go into a game that says "DOTA NO NOOBS" or "DOTA PROZ ONLY" and act like the noob fuck that you are. Not only does this piss off everyone else in the game, but it means they have to express it with swears, flames, and the host has to remake the game from the very beginning, resulting in a huge waste of time. You can also join games that are nearly full, after typing that you're ready, and that you're not a noob, wait for it to start. A countdown will start , and before the host can react (preferably at the 1 second mark) press ESC for massive lulz. If you failed to leave the game in time, fear not! Your trolling options have only expanded.

Other things you can do:

  • Pick Holy Knight and cast Test of Faith on allies non stop.
  • Pick Bloodseeker and cast (level 1) Bloodrage on allies non stop.
  • Pick Sand King, find an area with lots of traffic, and do nothing but cast Sandstorm the whole game.
  • Pick Enigma, and cast Eidolon Spawn on ally creeps non stop.
  • Pick Clockwork Goblin, learn the missile attack, and stay in respawn point firing missiles randomly nonstop.
  • Pick Broodmother, learn Spin Web and Spiderlings first, cast webs everywhere in enemy lanes, and send out an army of baby spiders for suprise rape.
  • Pick Morphling, learn Atribute Morph, and turn all of your Strength into Agility(less strength=less health), then rush into battle.
  • Pick Goblin Techies, and do nothing but cast Suicide Squad, Attack! on enemies.
  • Pick Venomancer, and cast Plague Wards strategically to trap allies in corners.
  • Pick Invoker, learn the Ice Wall spell, and cast it when allies are trying to escape.
  • Pick Butcher and cast Hook on allies non stop.
  • Pick Prophet and cast Sprout on allies non stop.
  • Pick Clockwerk Goblin and cast Power Cog near allies.
  • Pick Bane Elemental and cast Nightmare on allies non stop.
  • Pick Faceless Void and cast Chronosphere on allies when ranged enemy heroes are near by.
  • Pick Proudmoore (moar liek Poundmoar, amirite?) and cast X Marks The Spot when they're running away.
  • Pick Tiny and toss their ass into a group of fags.
  • Pick Vengeful Spirit, run into an enemy group, then use Nether Swap on an ally.
  • Pick Keeper of the Light save enough gold for a blink dagger, blink into a place no one can get to or get out of your Ultimate Spell then cast Recall, which teleports people to you. Watch as they rage that they cant move.
  • Pick Pitlord, buy boots of travel teleport around and take all of the creeps denying your allies gold, train your ultimate ability use it when standing near your allies and teleport them back to your base, over and over again, buy a referesher to do it faster.
  • Pick Drow Ranger and don't get Ice Arrows or Silence, but get Helm of the Dominator.
  • Pick Antimage and don't get Mana Break but get Helm of Dominator, and five Blink Daggers.
  • Pick Lord of Olympus and do nothing but kill steal all game long.
  • Pick Butcher and cast Rot till you die, say "n00b host". Buy a Hood of Defiance to stay alive longer for maximum trollage.
  • Pick Magnataur, buy lots of Tangos and a Quelling Blade. Now move to the lower right corner of the map. Hack yourself through the trees until you are in the corner of the map. Cast Skewer in direction of the map's borders. Magnus will completely disappear from the map - the next move you do with Magnus will crash the game for great justice.
  • Pick Centaur and therefore win the game even if you are asleep or dead for the better part of it.


Unfortunately many of these tactics can be prevented by an experienced player who is aware of the "-disablehelp" command. Thus another and more effective way (as it means you don't have to bother leaving your current game and entering a new one) is by simply clicking on Menu (top of screen) and then "Save Game". This is superior to pausing the game, as saving the game means NOBODY KNOWS IT WAS YOU. Saving the game results in every other person's DotA game freezing as it is for 20-30 seconds or so, depending on the latency rate of other people; however the best aspect of this method is that the title you use when saving the game will become the name of a file in all players save folder and, since most players are unaware of this, it might be years before they find out. Pick your title wisely for maximum trolling power.

In a sad, pathetic attempt to reduce the amount of drama in DotA games, Many hosts claim to use a banlist that will INSTANTLY BLOW UP YOUR COMPUTER AND GIVE YOU AIDS the second you leave a game. Aspiring trolls need not worry though, because 99% of people screaming "LEAVERS WILL BE BANNED" don't have one in the first place, and because banlists don't do shit anyway since no one took the time to make one that doesn't completely suck. In reality, Banlist is for n00bs that can be gotten around by anybody just by simply making another account.

Still not happy with the amount of trolling you've done? Feel free to add a host or SERIOUS PLAYER to your friends list and continue to talk shit. While spamming a player will quickly get squelched or temp-b& from WC3, shit talking with at least decent grammar is bait that every DotA player needs to bite. Talk about how they were the worst fucking dragon knight you've ever seen. Make fun of their score, their level, or anything game related. Stay clear of personal attacks or anything a 13-year-old boy would write, they'll just ignore you. However, if you DARE TO FUCKING MAKE FUN OF THEIR PLAY STYLE, OHHHHHHHHHH YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW!!!!!

All Pick Easy Mode

All Pick Easy Mode (-apem) is the most common state of affairs you are likely to find yourself in if you participate in the furfaggotry that is DotA. Trolls should avoid this mode at all costs, as its games usually consist primarily of trolls. Many Dotafags have argued that playing this mode makes you a bad person, but this is mostly because Dotafags implicitly add 'at DotA' to any judgment they make about anyone. If you are forced to play DotA, beware of being lulpwnt by quadriplegic infants on Easy Mode. Icefrog has designed it specifically in order to facilitate the largest number of whining sessions ever recorded on the internetz, and has been widely applauded for this decision.

DotA and the least cool music video ever

Swedish homosexual Basshunter wrote a techno song about DotA which somehow managed to get high in the charts of backwards countries like Denmark. According to some people Basshunter is very famous, although no one outside of his home town has ever heard of him.


NOTE: It is delightfully fitting that "Basshunter" has decided to portray himself as living at home with his mother in this video.

Typical DotA Games

This is a typical game of dota. Note ragequits.

This KotL shows us how a DotA game should be played.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

DotA clans

People form DotA clans when they get tired of playing with pub trash and scrubs. Unfortunately, even with clans like TDA that require safelisting or icon, or THR which requires ELO over 1000 to get into Tier 2 games, this does not eliminate scrubs.

  • TDA - Where the Sentinel is 99% of the time a stacked team of friends
  • THR - Wwhere anyone with their ELO less than 1000 is a n00b
  • NEs - (Defunct) Used to spam Clan TDA in fits of nerdraeg
  • MYM - Also accused of spamming both TDA and THR channels for great justice
  • DXD = (Defunct) Imploded when people figured out Banlist is worthless




DotA 2

Nuvola
Moar info: Dota 2.


Dota 2.jpg


VALVE'S NEW MONEY-MAKING MACHINE
Ascend into the realm of autism - again!





Myultimateiscalled2.jpg


Last Thursday, Valve kidnapped IceFrog and raped him in every possible way known to mankind, until he agreed to make DotA 2. It was to be released in 2011, but Gabe in the typical Valve fashion, ate half the development crew, so it was delayed for two centuries.

DotA 2 is boasting all the original heroes plus a million more and stays true to the original real-time strategy framework. This will, of course, make all previous versions of DotA defunct, making them forgotten carcasses, dead and rotten, in the mass grave of gaming. Waves of faggots will abandon League of Legends and "hurr durr" as Riot Games slips into bankruptcy. Pendragon will sob and IceFrog will demand a rimjob. The entire player base, minus S2 personnel, left Heroes of Newerth and spilled their blood for DotA 2. It has it's own cash shop so you can buy stupid hats and accessories for your heroes like in Team Fortress 2 or have Dr.Kleiner from Half-Life 2 and other random faggots and lowbrow losers being the announcer(s) of the game.

Rip-Offs & Offspring

Here we have a fine selection of all the terrible games DotA has brought to us:

League of Losers Samefaggotry


League of faggots.png


THE A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S. FOR CASUALS
Velcum 2 summanas rieft!!1
You, having the thought of playing ANY kind of A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S.

As of 10/29/09 it has been announced that DotA is it's own game. The game being named, League of Legends.

Imagine the freakish one-night stand between World of Warcraft, drunk off his ass, and the sopping wet cunt of DotA. The result of such anal play is League of Legends, a festering anal wart that will haunt "Guinsoo" and "Pendragon" to their graves. It is basically a polished up version of dota, only with a set of tutorials for the newfags.

Fortunately, to make the whole experience more exciting, some new deep gameplay mechanics have been introduced. For instance, if you don't have flash on cooldown, you'll rape your enemies in the ass every single time you try, making the game truly fun and entertaining to play.

Here some sweet fucking things you can do in League of Legends:

  • Download it, play it and uninstall it FOR FREE!
  • Participate in games ranging from 25 minutes to MORE THAN AN HOUR! Enemy team got ya down? Getting fisted right to the shoulder? The client ties your account's ID to every game you join so if you try to quit and play another, YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO IT!
  • Use points you earn in games to purchase new champions! Don't even think about saving up for skins 'cause you have to buy RRRRRRIOT POINTS for that! Cunts!
  • Level up through the ranks! Invest points in talents! Buy the extra 0.02 HP rune because that's the ONLY REASON you aren't winning at your skill level!
  • Purchase champions from the store and pick from ten free ones EVERY WEEK! But seriously, you and I both know you will suck at any one you pick. This is the game Koreans play with one hand and punish the slightest error with total e-rape, forcing you to focus your energy on a single champion to get good. Then a day comes where, by the wind of luck, you will TOTALLY FUCKING PWN. Waves of monsters will fall at your feet, enemy heroes will quiver in fright and your allies will tongue your testicles. However, this surge of e-peen will melt to a string of losses and butthurt as you try to explain zero assists and constant feeding. Yeah, I'm sure that build got you a legendary streak last game. Maybe you should stick to playing against AI bots and phone us when you're ready for some teamwork.
  • GET ADDICTED! League of Legends has all the enticing elements of WoW! Collect enough gold to buy the black phallus you've been eying! Shit the same ball of magic on the same goddamn monster for the fucking thousandth time! Masturbate over one character and die inside when the Infinity Edge you farmed for vanishes at game's end! Now you can have the life sucked out of you in thirty minutes or less, GUARANTEED!
  • Kill yourself when everyone flashes everywhere evading all your well-placed skillshots.

LoL was created by Riot Games, a group of DotA fantards from around the globe willing to make goals such as pioneering the game genre, Aeon of Strife.


Heroes of New-URFF


Heroes of Newerth Logo.png


THE PART-TIME DOTA REPLACEMENT YOU HAD TO PAY FOR
Hear people scream through the microphone!
Why would anyone want to play HoN anymore?

S2 Games, fresh out of ideas for almost seven years, decided to cash in on the "session based multiplayer action RPG game" crop. Having produced two other games based around their mystical faerie world Newerth, they decided to crank out a DotA clone based on the same dull world. S2 offered IceFrog an ass-ton of money so he would give them pointers on how to fuck up their game beyond all recognition. He said, "Sure, why not? I'll be going to Valve anyway so you'll be bankrupt and giving blowjobs in a year. Might as well shoot yourselves now, faggots, 'cause I'll be the one wrapping a twenty around my cock." Fanboys misinterpreted this as "ICEFROG DEVELOPED HON, SO DOTA 2 CAN'T BE BETTER! LOL FAGS!" Thus, Heroes of Newerth was cloned.

Heroes of Newerth boasts many original fucking concepts that sets it apart from the other DotAs:

  • Connect and re-connect all day long!
  • Play it for FREE. Yes, imagine if you were on of those fucking losers that picked it up for $30.00 before it went F2P! That's half the price of StarCraft II for twice the amount of fun!
  • Wait an entire year for an important patch!
  • Voice chat is incorporated into the fucking game! Now you can hear your fat teammates wheeze as they call you a dripping cunt for the thousandth time!
  • If you don't have the balls to take people hating you, either take the suggestion mentioned in every single forum post and leave, or else take the other suggestion and an hero. The only response by the community would be lulz.
  • Play unbalanced heroes on a map so choked with shadows that you won't see the band of niggers coming to bid you "good day!"
  • Over 30,000 players, making it more popular than food, sex and WoW combined!
  • Once you are part of the community, you will become addicted to saying the phrase "HoN"! Coolest community in teh world!
  • Marry HoN. Just marry the motherfucking game. Don't ever play or even talk about another game again. There is no other game. You bought the HoN roster, now never say anything other than "HoN" on the forums, or you're fucking dead.
  • Diss Dota 2, because games that aren't drowned in bloom/DOF effects aren't worth shit.

Smite


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HI-REZ STUDIOS AT THEIR BEST
Accurately depicted deities
When your ankles get randomly ticklish during the day, that's your queue to trim some bush.

Smite is the newly delivered miscarriage in the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." department, currently in beta, unfortunately it was released. Conceived by the collective brain dead putzes at Hi-Rez Studios, who not only single-handedly gangraped Tribes beyond recognition but also decided to flee the sinking ship, when their own community realized what a bunch of stupid assholes they are.

Hi-Shit Studios having no original concept or design of their own, decided to stop kicking the dead horse in the room and search for ideas in the dark bowels of gaming. This instantly gave the entire development crew a seizure but not before stumbling upon the mangled corpse of DotA. Like the rest of the vultures before them, they eagerly started to devour every ounce of DotA they could find and after several days of indigestion, Hi-Rez Studios sharted out Smite, a third person perspective remake of DotA but with a cesspool of mythological deities to replace heroes.

The heroes or "Gods" are entirely made for basement-dwellers, pedophiles, furfags and 13-year-old internet tough guys because their already over sized dipshit kiddie egos aren't large enough, but now they can run around calling themselves gods. Also as a bonus, dumb cunts can now remember Zeus as a flying bearded Fabio in a half-dress, who didn't cut his pubes for a millennia. Most of the gods are half mongrel half something and the rest are just textbook retarded.

Smite was slapped with religious controversy, mainly from Hindu leaders, because Kali (Hindu goddess associated with empowerment) is depicted as a blue cum dumpster with legs. As expected, Hi-Rez Studios CEO and master fletcher, Todd Harris, fagged the fuck out and told the religious leaders to QQ some moar. To add another scoop to the shit sundae, they also told them that they will add more Hindu deities to the mix, taking douchebaggery to a whole new level.

The game already has a competitive scene, which can be called the saddest thing ever. The game has six main game types because playing old fashioned DotA isn't torture enough. You can now enjoy a game of king of the hill, capture the flag/point or play a practice match so you can more efficiently contemplate on your suicide options. Instead of destroying an ancient, the goal of the game is to kill a hunk of shit that's basically the final boss. Also, the tier 3 tower was replaced by a phoenix bitch that will eventually re-spawn, so the whole point of clearing a lane lost all of it's fucking meaning. Like they haven't stole enough from DotA, somehow they added the buff creeps from League of Legends, so now the game can be officially called the incest offspring of DotA, League of Legends and Land of Chaos (third person perspective).

QED, this game is a putrid sack of shit.



LOCO: Land of Chaos Online


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KOREANS AND THE CONCEPT OF FOREIGN LANGUAGES
Misunderstood azn masterpiece
What in the name of fuck...

Proof that Asians have no comprehension of any other culture outside their borders. Long ago, somewhere in an opium den, a bunch of sweaty Koreans woke up and discovered no one is playing Aeon of Strife anymore so they decided to simultaneously have explosive diarrhea on a CRT monitor. The result was "LOCO", because loco pretty much summarizes the entire game. As previously mentioned, LOCO, is a third person perspective game from around 2010 or so. The game is a mixture between two of the most tasteless, mundane and repulsive things in the world, DotA and anime. As predicted, the playable characters range from anything the Asian mind can fantasize. From lolis, furries and vampires to a half furrie half loli big headed demon midget with a Star Wars skin. The worst attempt in human history was made when they tried to actually name these characters. Original and thoughtful names like "Foxlady" or "AAKbah", which is safe to say was constructed after the dude in charge collapsed on the keyboard, probably from starvation.

Like with any other free-to-play bullshit agenda, there's a costume shop where you can buy different colored panties and necklace dildos for the accurately depicted tall muscular Asian men and big breasted Asian women. To the rejoice of weeaboos everywhere, there's literally so much skin showing in this game that buying costumes is irrelevant.

There are two game modes: deathmatch and the usual DotA scenario. In deathmatch you have 12 minutes to brutally fist fuck each other to win. The cap is 300, but it's impossible to reach it anyway. In the normal DotA mode you do all the usual bits but instead of killing a building or a dude at the end of the lanes, you gotta kill both. First you destroy the headquarters, then you have to kill the commander which gets summoned after you fucked up his crib.

The game was developed by Danal (The-anal) Entertainment, there's no official website and the last update was in July 1, 2010. Clear to say this game is pretty much dead or dying. If you're into disproportional weirdos with weapons bigger than their body size, this crap is for you.



Guardians of Middle-earth


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THE EYE OF SAURON IS BACK
Console kiddies now have another reason to kill themselves
Juan ring to rule them all!

Recently discovered fact that originality may be the source of cancer, game developers everywhere started producing "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." games like there's no tomorrow. Because the "A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S." machine keeps vomiting out hunks of shit every month or so, we're forced to witness the never ending sodomy of everything and anything we may enjoy.

The newly added victim to this rape fest is the land of Middle-Earth. The existence of this game is proof that J. R. R. Tolkien has a reason to turn and do back flips in his grave. Monolith Productions are the geniuses behind original games like "Gotham City Impostors" and the successfully acclaimed "The Matrix Online". Developing a DotA clone requires enough room in your skull to produce a single synapse, thus we are facing a miracle. Monolith Productions are truly the messengers of God!

"Guardians of Middle-Earth" is the newly discovered tumor that will be worshiped by every drooling psychopath in love with Sauron. Now players have the opportunity to play in a top-down view with Ian McKellen, Hodor, Smiguel and Frodo's taint. Every hero from the books will be playable, but not Sean Bean, he's dead... he's always dead... he successfully got himself killed in both movies: "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" and "The Lord of the Rings: Game of Thrones".

Fletchers of Middle-earth was first released for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 consoles on December 4, 2012, via the PlayStation Network and Xbox Live Arcade respectively. Why? Because fuck you, that's why.



Super Monday Night Combat


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ÜBER ENTERTAINMENT IS NOT RACIST... IT'S NOT
The copy of a copy of a copy?
Accurately depicted black person in the vision of Über Entertainment!
Hes dead jim star trek.jpg

He's Dead Jim

Uber did not publish an update or have shown they actually care for Super Monday Night Combat because it did not make them any money, not like anyone cares though.


Do you want to know the recipe for a real shitty concoction? Find an outhouse, pour in Team Fortress 2 and add a little bit of DotA and a coup of complete lack of originality mixed with the most confusing menu in history of gaming. You stir for a couple of minutes, then you pour the mix down your own asshole while you asphyxiate yourself. The parasite inside you will continue to ravage and consume your dead body for a couple of hours. When it's fully matured, it will leave your corpse and find the nearest gullible idiot to rob him of all his money. Fortunately, very few are dumb enough to play Super Monday Night Combat, hence the community is pretty much nonexistent.

Super Monday Night Combat is the free to play "sequel" to Monday Night Combat. It's actually the same fucking game, turned free to play. Who the hell thought it will be a good idea to make a completely new game instead of just updating the last one? The guys at Über Entertainment did. You know, when they took breaks from playing DotA, Team Fortress 2 and waxing each others assholes.

Kudos to them, for not only developing one of the most unoriginal video game ever... twice... but doing that with the most unoriginal name in existence.



Heroes of the Storm


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BLIZZARD GOT OWNED.
Too late and too bad, dumbshits



   
 
Is that Raynor riding a rainbow pony?
 

 
 

Blizzard about Heroes of the Storm

At least 100 years ago, no one gave a fuck about DotA. Blizzard, being too busy munching on its own asshole and milking WoW, miserably failed to notice some random shitty Warcraft 3 custom map, that was stuck in the shadow of their beloved cash cow for 7 years. Then, when another company decided to invest in the map, they quickly decided they suddenly have interest in the game. Being the slimy weasels they are, Blizzard sued Valve for the rights of the DotA name. Challenging the great lord Gabe Newell was retarded. The dispute ended up with an obvious defeat at the feet of The Hunger That Does Not Cease. Now since Blizzard received an elbow deep fisting from Valve, they decided they won't just fuck off to the kitchen, but instead, make their own retarded DotA clone, using characters from all of their games, hence Heroes of the Storm. The millionth Blizzard game having a Over 9000 month long alpha and beta going on where everyone will beg for access keys.

Actual gameplay footage

Blizzard being Blizzard, the game is very friendly to new players to make sure Blizzard fanboys, primarily World of Fagcraft players, understand the game and features a similar system like in one of the many rip-offs where you spend your hard earned Jew gold to buy the playable characters, along with a 1$=1€ system in place for real money purchases. At the time of writing this sentence an European actually bought a skin or a mount, not knowing he could have gotten it cheaper if he would be an American.

Heroes of the Storm as of now has five completely unique maps featuring the gimmick of being able to win the game by constantly collecting this or activating that objective to summon a giant strong godzilla monster who gives debuffs or shoots cannonballs from its tits at enemy buildings or units because that is totally fair and requires a lot of skill.

One of the main selling points of Heroes of the Storm, or so Blizzard has told, is that its matches take way less longer than that of any other A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S game. People who actually play Heroes of the Storm still somehow want to leave a match before it has ended he or she is fine to do so, because who is Blizzard to care about penalties? They have a lot of purchaseable cosmetics to create before it goes off beta and it will be released to all Blizzard fanboys.




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Featured article August 13 & 14, 2013
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