Doctor Phil

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GRIN ALERT! Dr. Phil has been known to render entire limbs useless in a single bite.
Dr. Phil is also known for failing.
Which one is the clone and which one is real? I can't tell.
Aimed at Dr. Phil's target audience of nasty, unfuckable housewives whose kids are too old to pleasure them by suckling their saggy tits.


Phillip Calvin McGraw, born 9001 years ago is a fat, cunt slapping, redneck wannabe psychologist with his own TV show. To date he has screamed at a record 1,000 people. Dr. Phil is balding thus making him an exact replica of a penis. (Moar liek Phallus Calvo McGraw, amirite?)

Apparently he ass raped some horse face named Dr. Fran Young in a Motel 6 room in the mid 90's.

As many ppl on the internets have speculated, Dr. Phil (moar liek Dr. Phail, amirite?) is most clearly the full bodied reincarnation of Raptor Jesus, whose will to dominate and control the ppl of earth shines through in his television series "The Moist Fangs of Dr. Phil's Balls."

Contents

Etymology

"Doctor" Phil is not licensed to practice medicine, as some might assume. Rather, he snagged a PhD (doctor of philosophy) from the University of North Texas. His paper that earned him this prestige? "Rheumatoid Arthritis: A Psychological Intervention."

BRB curing chronic joint inflammation with moustache-enhanced banter.

Biography

Dr. Phil gnawed his way through the placenta, intestines, and eventually skin of his mother's abdomen on May 23, 1834 BCE. He then crawled up to her breasts and sucked each tit dry. Once satisfied with his first meal he aimed his enlarged clitoris at his now deceased mother's chin and relieved himself all over her face. He was a go getter from the start.

His childhood was like any other child's. He loved to frolic in the woods, having surprise buttsecks with woodland creatures. His teenage years were full of lulz and lolis. He dreamed of sugar canes and gum drops, strawberry flavored lube and traps. He often would gaze up at the stars wondering what the future had in store for him. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined what was to come.

On a humid summer night deep in the heart of the south, Dr. Phil, now an adult, waddled down to his local pub to cool his hairy top lip on a cold beer. Instead, in the men's bathroom with a steamy ammonia filed stream of piss exiting him, he felt something hot and moist press against his leg. A startled Dr. Phil looked down and saw a horny Oprah Winfrey with her legs wrapped around his. They had an instant connection and the rest is history.

Unlicensed

Appearing on the Today Show in January 2008, McGraw said that he has made it "very clear" that his current work does not involve the practice of psychology. He also said that he had "retired from psychology". According to the Today Show, the California Board of Psychology determined in 2002 that he did not require a license because his show involves "entertainment" rather than psychology.

Law professor Jonathan Turley said: “There is a clear line in the law between entertaining people and treating people. Now, when Dr. Phil becomes Dr. McGraw and leaves the studio and goes to a hospital, he’s putting himself and potentially a patient in jeopardy.”

   
 
I make it very, very clear, I say it on my show, you’ve heard me say it, and I say it on my Web site, I don’t do therapy, I don’t do medical therapy, I don’t do individual therapy, I don’t do couples therapy
 

 
 

—Phil

Evil Plan

  1. Lick the cottage cheese out of Oprah's pussy flaps
  2. Start tv show
  3. Hypnotize middle aged white women
  4. Get middle-aged women to kill all other women.
  5. Cause mass male suicide because all the chicks who watch Dr. Phil are fat ugly fucks anyways.
  6. Be the only Penis in the western hemisphere. (Despite being a small, pitiful one...)
  7. ????
  8. PROFIT!!!! (somehow?)

Show

Dr. Fran's adulterous husband Kenny.

Initially Dr.Phil was Oprah's therapist and appeared on her show regularly. He struck a chord with the lonely desperate soccer moms who watched Oprah and was soon given his own show.

Initially, Dr.Phil's show dealt with down-to-earth issues which could be resolved peacefully by simply chatting with your partner/spouse/children without drama and stupidity. It was the sort of show your mom would watch at 2pm while you were in school, masturbating vigorously.

After 2 years of helping average Joes deal with their problems and at least 500 episodes, Dr.Phil's audience began to trickle out. So, he did what any self-respecting TV personality would do: sold out.

Having abandoned all reason and sanity, Dr. Phil proceeded to knock his shows down to Maury Povich level; his current guests are racist raptors, pedophile raptors and other white trash idiot disguising raptors.

Dr. Fran's first guest appearance on Dr. Phil touched a record 28 viewers out of 100 households as she revealed the suffering she faced early into her marriage when her now deaf, and presummably dumb, husband Kenny cheated on her. Through the strength of faith, Fran was able to heal from this injustice done to her. This process was also aided by her husband being stricken blind soon after, which left him unable to continue committing adultery. Fortunately this allowed Dr. Fran to have a torrid affair with Dr. Phil.


Typical Dr Fail Episode

Skinny Chicks Dig Dr. Phil

Creator of Bum Fights becomes Dr. Phil's twin, Lulz ensue

hheererere wiiith yououou

Kids Slaps and pwns his mom on the Dr. Phil Show

Dr. Phil is a Fraud

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Private Life

Dr. Phil in full leather attire.

To the disappointment of many dry and crusty twats, Dr. Phil is a married man. He married a woman, named Robin. Robin looks like a bloated trout with pussy flaps sewn to its mouth. Many experts believe that his marriage to Robin is bestiality and he should seek counseling immediately.

During the course of their marriage Robin gave Birth to two hybrid sons whose resemblance to giant douche bags is uncanny.

Dr.Phil HAS EVOLVED!!!
A challenger appears.

Phil-isms

  • This ain't my first ass rimming, son!
  • What in the hell is you thinking?
  • I've been doing this over 9000 years.
  • Are those your nuts?
  • You choose the hooker, you choose the hole.
  • This is going to be a changing day in your life.
  • You cannot change what you don't beat.
  • Are you kidding me?
  • I want you to get excited about your addiction to CP.
  • Children are very attractive.
  • Get real close to me then stick your finger in my ass, then wipe it under my nose.
  • What did I doo doo!?
  • If it's happening now, we're gonna deal with it when I feel like it!
  • Get a life.
  • We're gonna start putting some whores in our sentences.
  • There isn't a wig big enough for my penis head.
  • This relationship needs a slutty submissive man whore.
  • How about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up?
  • Respect my man juice.
  • I am your mother, deal with it!
  • It's all about the O.
  • I'd rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone fat.

Soundboard, making the world a lulzier place, one call at a time


Dr.Phil calls a Scientologist

I want You to Start Living as a Gay Woman

Thinking about getting breast implant surgery!

HP Support (Sleeping with men)

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CP Crusades

"Phil would pull me down to sit in his lap while he talked on the phone to patients, other doctors, even his wife! He’d be running his hand up and down the inside of my thigh all the way up to my panties." - Phil's teen victim

Phil has mad hate on for Judge Jack Bertrand Weinstein getting so pissed at Jack's feature in the NY times that in May 2010 he wrote an angry blog about it.

On May 23 2012, Phil did a new show where he dragged Justin Berry into the spotlight, equivocating him into the same category of victimhood as a girl who got kidnapped, chained up, and raped. Because we all know that getting paid loads of cash to take nude photos of yourself is just as, if not more, traumatic than such happenings.

Phil likes to be painted as a moral crusader protecting minors from exploitation, in spite of the fact that he exploited a teen female patient under his care during the 80s (Sara Jane Morrison) by making her into his hawt secretary:

Naturally when news of that broke in 2009, fans rushed to his defense.


   
 
It may be true and, if it is, then so be it. It doesn't take anything away from what and who Dr. Phil has become over the years: an amazing psychotherapist devoted to helping North America get more savvy about their lives and relationships. By my calculations, Dr. Phil was a relatively young man at the time of the alleged accusations. I think even Dr. Phil would agree that young adults, and especially young men, sometimes don't possess all the self-discipline they should in their lives. It's what we still like about Dr. Phil: his self-assuredness, his spontaneity, his love of himself, necessary to do the amazing job he does every day on TV. This story will not affect my respect for Dr. Phil. I hope everyone remains loyal to the man in his hour of need.
 

 
 

—Carole Desormeau, Examiner reader

Unfortunately, these fans misplace their loyalty and have a math-handicap, because when Phil began to treat the teenager, he was already 33 and had completed his doctorate. One would think that if one has been given a PhD and a license to be a clinical psychologist, that one should possess the required self discipline not to fondle their panties.

But... it's okay: because to be a good TV pop-psychologist (not a real one, those ones have a license to practice) you need self-love, spontaneity and self-assuredness. Molesters and rapists have these in zounds. That's why they make the best doctors for vulnerable suicidal young girls.

See Also

External Links

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