Dungeons & Dragons
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Dungeons & Dragons is a cover story used by nerds to explain why they gather in someone's unfinished basement on Saturday nights for long sessions of rolling dice and role playing scantily-clad Valkyries.
To an outsider, D&D can be considered the plague upon society that motivates Basement Dwellers, fuglies, and nerds to leave their houses and congregate in a huge orgy of fail. It is hypothesized that without shitty games like D&D, nerds would further isolate themselves into their basements and eventually die from hunger(unable to walk to the local convenience store).
Dungeons & Dragons was created sometime in the mid 1970's by a nerd named Gary Gygax after getting really baked off some special brownies and reading too much Tolkien. The resulting game, called Dungeons and Dragons for its heavy emphasis on dungeons and dragons has since sucked in hundreds of young males that might have otherwise had a sex life, turning them into unfuckable losers only touchable by the most horse-faced bitches in the world (aka "female gamers").
Gygax himself was found dead in his basement on March 4th 2010 by Ed Greenwood and that faggot who came up with Warhammer: 40,000. He will be missed by the small army of lollipop kids that he kept half-alive, chained in his basement, to pleasure his -1 Penis of Pederasty.
A typical D&D session:
- 1 How to Win Dungeons & Dragons
- 2 Common Themes in all editions of D&D
- 3 D&D Characters
- 4 Noteworthy D&D Characters
- 5 Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie
- 6 Srsly, They've Released Four Distinct Versions of This
How to Win Dungeons & Dragons
1. Don't buy or play Dungeons & Dragons.
2. That's it. You win. Congratulations.
Common Themes in all editions of D&D
It is widely known that "D&D" - what the geeks call it - is a thinly-disguised means of teaching racism to children and teenagers, since certain races are considered "evil" in D&D, whereas others are considered "good," for no real reason other than their appearance. Elves all live at peace with nature in and among the forests of the world. Every elf that ever lived is noble, wise, and decent with pale skin and beautiful features. Dark elves, unlike their Caucasian cousins, are naturally violent, evil and despicable bastards who get off on raping young children.
In fact, these "Drow" are even more despicable than the ugly goblins slaughtered by the thousands. Gygax and RA Salvatore have both been very clear and open about this fact. However, since their god is called Lolth they get to justify pretty much anything by saying God told them to do it.
Besides teaching the fine morals of racism and claiming that god made you do it, D&D also is an entryway to suck god-fearing Christians into wicked, sinful cults and witchcraft. Countless souls have been lost due to suicide and fighting over characters (No! I'm playing the dwarf priestess of Pelor, you BITCH, not you!) and many more unreported mysterious deaths occur each year due to the mystical disturbances created by this tool of the Devil! It is also filled to the brim with sex and lesbianism! Here is one girl's harrowing true story:
Everything in D&D is absolutely real! You can become a wizard, rogue, or dragon just like in the games. In fact, the company publishing D&D consorted with real witches and SATAN himself to get all the spells absolutely accurate. Do them for yourself and see all sorts of amazing effects... like eternal damnation!
Here it is in the words of several actual real-life witches who helped Gygax make his "game".
Dungeons and Dragons is a tragic and tangled subject. It is essentially a feeding program for occultism and witchcraft. For Christians, the first scriptural problem is the fact that Dungeons and Dragons violates the commandment of I Ths. 5:22 "Abstain from all appearance of evil." Much of the trappings, art, figurines, and writing within D&D certainly appears evil-to say the least of it.
On top of that, the second issue is that the materials themselves, in many cases, contain authentic magical rituals. I can tell you this from my own experience. I was a witch high priest (Alexandrian tradition) during the period 1973-84. During some of that period (1976-80) I was also involved in hardcore Satanism. We studied and practiced and trained more than 175 people in the Craft. Our "covendom" was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; just a short drive away from the world headquarters of TSR, the company which makes Dungeons and Dragons in Lake Geneva, WI. In the late 1970's, a couple of the game writers actually came to my wife and I as prominent "sorcerers" in the community. They wanted to make certain the rituals were authentic. For the most part, they are.
These two guys sat in our living room and took copious notes from us on how to make sure the rituals were truly right "from the book," (this meaning that they actually came from magic grimoires or workbooks). They seemed satisfied with what they got and left us thankfully.
Back in 1986, a fellow appeared on The 700 Club who was a former employee and game writer for TSR. He testified right on the show that he got into a wrangle with the management there because he saw that the rituals were too authentic and could be dangerous. He protested to his boss and was basically told that this was the intent—to make the games as real as possible. He felt conscience-stricken (even though he was not a Christian at the time), and felt he had to resign from the company.
Now, the question becomes—if a person "innocently" works an authentic ritual that conjures up a demon, or curses someone; thinking that they are only playing a game-might not the ritual still have efficacy? I think we know the answer to that question. If you play at shooting your friend in the head with what you think is an unloaded pistol and don't know a shell is in the chamber, is your friend any less dead because you were playing?
People need to understand that God's universe runs on laws no less real in the spiritual realm than the laws of physics that propel a bullet out of a gun-and those laws are just as irreversible. God says that if you tamper with magic and the occult, you are stepping out from under His will and His protection (assuming you are a Christian). If you are not a Christian, then you are REALLY playing with fire.
There is one kind of character in the world of D&D.
There are multiple subclasses of Faggot:
- Fighter - Played by Internet tough guys, this character was designed for pussies who get beaten up a lot IRL and want to pretend to be tough. Also good for people who are too stupid to understand magick.
- Wizard - This character can use magick and reading skills such as Telekinesis and PowerWord: IRL Name. Everyone plays a wizard because they kick ass.
- Cleric - Played by those who like to be the heal-bitch for everyone else, especially fighters; or by power gamers - no bitch-ass healing, just Divine Power. Their magik involves calling on Jesus to do the same spells as sorcerers and wizards, only with funny names. The only exceptions are "evil clerics" who are basically wizards that do human sacrifice to make spells work.
- Rogue - Leaves creepy phone messages for your older sister. Also responsible for killing the party several times on botched disarm trap rolls, or through being a backstabbing SOB. Usually played by weeaboos who want to be like Naruto but wind up sucking because they spend all of their skill points in shit that doesn't actually keep them or anyone else alive. Also played by greedy Jews who align themselves as chaotic stupid and try to fucking steal everything. Big girls enjoy playing halfling rogues with 18+ Charisma to feel better about themselves.
- Monk - A kung-fu fighting warrior for the wapanese. At higher levels become fucking invulnerable and count as low-level outsiders, but everyone plays a fighter instead because everyone knows the wapanese are losers. Monks pwn everything except for fighters, or anything with a decent AC that hist hard. If you want to play a monk, you need to become an hero first.
- Ranger - Rangers generally wander around in the woods and smoke a lot of weed while surrounded by their woodland friends. They also can cast woodland spells to do crap like walk through trees, however they are not to be confused with Druids (who also cast woodland spells and spend too much time around animals). Rangers can only dual wield or use a bow (they don't know how to fight any other way). If you encounter a ranger give them weed and they'll go away.
- Paladin - Your typical conservative christian who believes god has commanded them to smite unholy ass. All paladins must have a mandatory stick shoved up their ass and be members of the 700 club. Not to be mistaken for the /4th Edition paladin, who are heal bitch cleric knockoffs.
- Bard - Untalented hippies that use instruments to cast spells similar to those of wizards and sorcerers, however of a weaker and more supportive grade. Often times the smart people play as bards because they do not fight and thus never have to worry about dying.
- Druid - Is a pagan who puts on a fursuit and runs around yelling Fuck you I'm a wolf! Knows useless woodland spells like skritch and pretends to be powerful due to the nine levels of spell progression, even though wizards kick their asses. Games like Baldur's Gate II had fursecution as a storyline in which furries attacked the town of Trademeet, which makes all the druids very sad.
- Barbarian - Like a fighter, only they're from the uncivilized lands. Their special powers include getting into a temper tantrum and the ability to declare jihad about three times per day so they can smack the shit out of everyone elsw. They're generally played by basement dwellers so they can pretend to have big muscular bodies instead of being pale punching bags.
- Sorcerer - "Dragon-blooded" wizards with weakass spells they can fling constantly. This makes them the most commonly played class by otherkin and bestiality enthusiasts. They are also a popular choice for pyromaniacs due to the many fire spells they learn such as Burning Hands, Scorching Ray and Fireball. PROTIP: Disintegrate means the party no longer needs a rogue.
- Psion - Fucks with peoples' heads and sometimes his own body to do shit. Usually played by pseudo-intellectuals. Too confusing to play correctly so nobody ever bothers.
- Divine Prostitute - The only class worth playing where you fuck other characters to heal them. Not available in all campaigns.
OK, so these don't exist... But these imaginary people apparently are important to D&D tards.
Drizzt Do'Urden: Pronounced "Drizz-it Durdin." Drizzt is a drow elf who forsook the ways of his people because he is a total pansy and attention whore who got tired of being bitchslapped by the female drow for being a giant pussy. Hoping for attention, love and fanbois, he escaped to the "surface world," where everyone thinks that he is special because he fights with two scimitars and is black. Drizzt insists on writing long-winded cry poetry about his emotions because he is supposed to be a "deep character."
Artemis Entreri: Artemis Entreri is a merciless, ass-kicking machine who will FUCKING RUIN YOUR SHIT if you touch him. He is Drizzt's antithesis: a cold, uncaring assassin who will murder you just because he really fucking wants to and you'd thank him, too, because you just got your ass pwned by the coolest fucking guy on the planet. He enjoys cutting throats, giving surprise abortions, and buttsecks with his foppish drow boyfriend, Jarlaxle. He has a sword that will FUCKING MELT YOUR FACE if you touch it without wearing a special glove and a dagger that drains your life if it touches you. He thinks Drizzt would look good as a toilet seat cover.
Elminster of Shadowdale: Elminster is the Mary Sue self-insert of Ed Greenwood - a degenerate old hippie with a huge beard who is one of the oldfags of the Dungeons & Dragons scene. This ugly old fool is a bastard combination of Gandalf, Odin, Merlin and Dumbledore. Apparently, there was a special on blatant rip-off characters that day and this guy came out of the sale.
He is epic levels in wizard and archmage, has many special items and unique spells, and is the immortal champion of the Goddess of Magic. He mostly does his best to be left alone, but is always tracked down by various upstart morons looking to prove their worth. Elminster typically squashes them with his amazing speshul majik powaz!!!1!1 and withdraws again into his nondescript tower. Erroneously thought to be killed multiple times, he finally met his ultimate end at the hands of Severus Snape. Like Drizzt, he also appears in Baldur's Gate, where he fills the role of your usual Deckard Caine-type figure.
Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie
In 2000, a movie version of the Dungeons & Dragons game was released, hoping to cash in on the pocket money of nerds everywhere like a certain other shitty movie that came out that year that nobody liked. It was an abortion of a film watched only by major D&D nerds, and was widely ridiculed even by said nerds and other assorted basement dwellers. It "starred" a bunch of no-talent hacks, including Marlon Wayans (who was undoubtedly ostracized by his family afterwords). The only good actors were that bald guy who was Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror who minced onto the screen for about ten minutes playing the King of Thieves, before he was eventually out-queered by Tom Baker who had a small role as an elf healer. AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN WIN AN AWARD!
The movie is now available on DVD and is worth buying solely for the director's commentary in which the director and the lead actor talk about this awful movie as though they've just made Citizen fucking Kane. Take shots every time they say something you don't agree with.
To save you the brain cells, the plot goes something like this. Some evil wizard wants to control all dragons to start some war and yaddayaddayadda. He sends his drug-addicted blackguard buttbuddy to get some magical dragon staff so he can control all the dragons. Because... there's dragons in the title, damn it, so the dragons have to be really, really important!
The fuck-up heroes find this out somehow and use magical toilet paper to find their way to the staff first. Insert Riff-Raff looking awesome in the only scene worth watching in this film because the annoying hero almost dies. They should have killed the main character right there. Nope, it keeps on going. The addict finds them with the dragon staff, snorts some really awesome coke, then pwns them into next Tuesday in a coke-fueled rage. The black guy dies.
The elves save their sorry asses and force poor Tom Baker to recite some disgustingly otherkin-style speech about how dragons must be protected. Tom Baker spends a few minutes wishing he hadn't done this but needed the paycheck to feed the attack dogs that keep the Whovians away.
The heroes magically make their way to the top of some huge tower and fight the evil wizard, winning through sheer force of plot contrivance alone. The wizard is killed and the druggie goes to blow some druids to get another fix. The elves return with a sequel hook in which maybe the annoying black guy didn't die after all. The audience suddenly has the urge to burn down the movie theater.
Srsly, They've Released Four Distinct Versions of This
Rule of thumb: New books are released just to milk more money out of a dying game system.
Version 1.0 - Of Steam Tunnels and Moral Outrage
Whence all the wasted lives first come. The initial version had only six classes, an absurdly convoluted system for tracking your experience, and you had to pay gold to level up. It inspired a set of shitty eighties computer games you had to access with that fucking code-wheel, and provided many nude succu-boobies and orcs-on-elves gangbang bondage scenes in its artwork for pre-tubes nerds to fap with.
It also happens that it was the most drama-filled of all editions, never having been since matched. Five years after D&D's creation, Gygax and Arneson promptly fell madly to cannibalizing one another over who would get the rights to be blamed by history for creating this painful, clichéd mess. They also spent much time directly cribbing content from various other sources.
It should be noted as well that this edition inspired the greatest fear and loathing in Christfags around the United States, as they perceived it for the threat it truly was. The alarm was sounded when suicidal D&Dfag James Dallas Egbert III got torn-up drunk and decided to end it all in a labyrinth of steam tunnels somewhere near his house. However, he pussied out and hid at his neighbor's; the police, meanwhile, had developed the reasonable theory that James had gone full retard with his character and consequently become lost in the tunnels. After James' return this was disproven, but by then the media and professional Christians (bored with scary stories about backmasked subliminal murder commands) across the nation had already run with it, creating a cottage industry of opposing D&D and spreading a highly lulzy moral panic.
Amazingly, the sheer inanity and crass commercial nature of D&D was lost on thousands of bleating Christians, who echoed their handlers' proclamations that it was a conduit through which Satan's darkness corrupted the world. So was the near-universal inability of its players to do anything so vital or proactive as explore steam tunnels. Pointing this out did not occur to TSR, who folded up neatly in the face of Christian demands, excising every reference to demons and devils and replacing them with nonsense words; this Chamberlain-style appeasement had the same result.
Eventually, though, everyone quit caring when the Christians moved on to witch-hunting daycare providers and James Egbert finally DID IT FAGGOT for some personal reason presumably unrelated to experience level. This was not before a deeply mindfucked classic called Mazes and Monsters was made based on the steam tunnel delusion, starring future famous retard Tom Hanks. It is on par with Reefer Madness and Birth of a Nation for rampant idiocy and mild ironic lulz.
- You had a saving throw for everything. A saving throw for AIDS in the pool, a saving throw for seeing your mom naked and even a save for surviving a resurrection attempt.
- The only furries were low-level grunts for you to kill by the dozens.
- Everything went off percentages so you could play easily even while high.
3.0/3.5 - We're Off to See the Wizards
After Gygax finally banhammered himself from D&D, Arneson immediately divested himself of the albatross that was TSR by selling it to Hasbro subsidiary, cardstock megacorporation, and slavering Satanic cult Wizards of the Coast, for a job helping develop a game he created and a near-mint condition Black Lotus.
Wizards saw this as an opportunity to troll D&Dfags for not having picked up Magic: The Gathering a lot sooner. So they dumped the entirety of what Gygax and Arneson had created and made all the fanboys buy a completely new collection of books for $40 each. Even their Dragon magazines were now worthless except as bathroom reading material. Resultantly, BAWWWWs were heard throughout the basements of the land, as neckbeards naturally resistant to change warred with neophytes who thought 3.0 was actually a better, more accessible system.
The rage from the conversion to 3.0 had not even fully subsided when Wizards decided to up the troll ante by casting Demonic Attorney and Contract from Below, and then releasing yet another new edition, the so-called Version 3.5. Claiming that it was absolutely necessary that everyone buy entirely new core books (at least) because Wizards hadn't got some of the skills balanced and the Paladin class was a little fucked up was the equivalent of ignoring the Show Preview button and spamming their entire fanbase with outrageously overpriced minor edits. Of course, hackers on steroids just download the books' bittorrents, but do you know how long that shit takes if hardly anyone is seeding?
And what books they were, too: entire sourcebooks devoted to wandering around the desert, whole tomes full of nothing but shitty prestige classes no PC will ever want to use (Apostle of Peace? Thayan Knight? YEEEAAAHHH), books simply reprinting the contents of other books, and the Book of Vile Darkness, which was so bad they had to cave to the Christian remnants still bothering and put some cheesy warning label on it about its epically dark content. It's seriously about as vile as a Doctor Who episode.
As a final blow to their beleaguered buyers, after having obsolesced everyone's old Dragon magazines, Wizards then decided to cancel the venerable nerd staple altogether, converting it to a completely digital format and, from there, stopping it altogether. This was in preparation for Wizards' grand, ultimate vengeance on the game that had so long cut into Magic's profits and shouldered it aside at Christian expos on the Devil's fantasy-themed recruitment tools... Richard Garfield's final solution: 4th Edition.
4th Edition Dungeons & Dragons
One day, the fine folks at Wizards of the Coast discovered, to their dismay, that they were only raking in several billion dollars a year from their Dungeons and Dragons products. In part, they were all out of ideas - their final few 3.5 splatbooks included the laughable "Rules Compendium": a monstrosity that lists an incomplete grab-bag of rules in alphabetical order. Additionally, players were beginning to feel that there was - you know - enough. The wizards boards had a "Character Optimisation" forum, where players would pull obscure rules from the various splatbooks and combine them in non-obvious ways to create game-breaking characters (I had a player Shapechange into an Eberron "Living Spell". A Living Spell's spell effect is Su, not Sp, so technically Shapechange can do it.)
You get the idea - just plain old too many rules, too many books. For a company that makes its money by printing and selling a new hard-cover rulebook each month, this was devastating. Worse still, D&D was bought out by Hasbro, a company that mainly makes card games. On discovering that 3.5 wasn't a card game like Magic™, Hasbro lost their shit.
In order to fatten their wallets, they decided to come up with a new edition of Dungeons and Dragons, one that did away with annoying and unnecessary things like flavor, creativity, flexibility, role-playing and complexity, and instead catered to the illiteracy, short attention spans, and mindless stupidity of the Ritalin-addicted, ADD-riddled fucktards that comprise the majority of World of Warcraft players and internet junkies. Thus, Fourth Edition Dungeons And Dragons was born.
Let's not beat around the bush: playing Fourth Edition Dungeons and Dragons is about as pleasurable as getting raped in the ass with a 24-inch spiked dildo while being forced to watch Rosie O'Donnell masturbate. Fourth Edition is the worst festering pile of shit ever to have been unleashed upon the human race, and even makes games such as Runescape seem like a gamer's paradise by comparison.
Enormous effort has gone into making the rules "balanced", which they have taken to mean "orthogonal". Consequently, every character is simply a permutation of every other character. Swap Fort and Reflex saves and rearrange your stats, and your fighter is now a rogue. Spells no longer do anything interesting ("Levitate" is gone. Levitate!) - smacking someone with a spell is exactly the same as shooting an arrow at them, except maybe it does energy damage. IOW: all the spells are gone except Magic Missile and Fireball, and every class can cast them. Combat is simply about mashing that 'X' key as fast as you can, which is once per round. For everyone.
4th Edition promises many improvements over previous editions, including:
- Swordman: A character type which emulates the combat-oriented character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Spellman: A character type which emulates the offensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Healman: A character type which emulates the defensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Stealman: Your average lying troublemaker, mincing the thief-class from World of Warcraft
- Gentleman: Typically a rogue with a balisong.
- New and flavorful abilities, such as:
- Fast Spell: Makes your spells fast.
- Wide Spell: Makes your spells wide.
- Strong Spell: Makes your spells strong.
- Awesome Spell: Makes your spells awesome.
- Wisdom Spell: Makes your spells wise.
- Charisma Spell: Makes your spells charisOH FOR FUCK'S SAKE SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!
- New and flavorful abilities, such as:
- Machineman: That's right, they made giant robots for this round, except they're all male eunuchs. Enjoy!
- Dragonman: aka Trogdor, a race designed for 13-year-old boys who wish they were dragons. Dragonman art typically features reptilian humanoids with breasts, which makes no sense whatever. Also a power gamer race; banned from all campaigns.
- Improved Protection from Poontang: An effect granted by ownership of any Dungeons & Dragons materials, this has been enhanced for 4th Edition. Clinically proven to preserve virginity.
- Free can of Neckbeard Growth Ointment with purchase of boxed set: Presumably, this is included to help turn non-players onto the hobby, since everyone knows the set of neckbeards is coextensive with the set of Dungeons & Dragons players.
Your character's abilities are based entirely on the stuff you (the player) owns in this game. It's taken all the irony out of playing Munchkin. Buying miniatures, new books, fancy dice, costumes, and other official D&D paraphernalia grants your character stat bonuses. If you ever lose your items your character (and pocketbook) are screwed. Not getting stuff for your character means you will not get past level one.
RIP, Dungeons and Dragons. 1974 - 2008. You will be missed.
5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons
Srsly, no-one gives a shit. Hasbro have lost their players to Paizo. Anyone who plays D&D either has a stash of beloved old 3.5 books or plays Pathfinder™.
- Basement dweller
- Dragon Age: Origins
- EverQuest + EQ2Flames
- Kraken's ghost
- Lord of the Rings
- Stranger Things
- World of Darkness
- World of Warcraft
- Official site
- Goodbye, Dragon magazine
- Conservapedia article on D&D; the intersection of gaming and libertarianism. Surprisingly sane.
THAT EVIL GAME
- Jews did DND
- Should a Christian play Dungeons and Dragons? - Yes, preferably as a CE tiefling warlock.
Stairway To Hell- some of D&D's anhero list.
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