Columbine

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Grab sum popkorn and watch teh massacre!!!!


The two heroes pictures here
Oh Jay and Silent Bob! Up to another hair brained scheme!
The one on the left was clearly "the brains" of this operation.
Evidence of third shooter?
More like Lolumbine amirite?
The heroes of Columbine. (but are the books alright?)
lol

The Columbine High School lulzfest was basically the funniest thing that has ever happened in any high school, evar. On April 20th, 1999, in Littleton, Colorado, American an heroes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold got a huge number of frags IRL at their local high school. Originally they planned on blowing up the cafeteria during lunch time, but their propane bombs failed and they ended up rushing into the school, killing people left and right before turning their guns on themselves and becoming an heroes. Their total kill count was 13, an unimpressive score given how they were using sub-machine guns in the pistol round, and were elevated to "WORST PEOPLE OF 1999" posthumously, for the most violent high school shooting spree.

They held this title for nearly a decade before a gook killed over 30 people at Virginia Tech in 2007, although Eric and Dylan still hold the high score for high school shooting.

In the weeks after their killing spree and becoming an heroes, massive witchhunts were held as trolls, goths, musicians, movies, television shows, and anyone not amongst the exclusive ranks of "The Beautiful People" were rounded up and taken to prison camps as the need to scapegoat anyone for the crimes led to America being whipped up into a frenzy of anti-lulz.

Contents

History

On April 20th (coincidentally Hitler's birthday) Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold forgot to take their prozac and engaged in final fap sessions while listening to "The Beautiful People," shut the lights off of all reality, got in their cars, skipped homeroom and were late to school (started the day off h4rdc0rE). They arrived, hit the "start button," selected characters, ReB and v0dKa, and decided to go on a killing spree on Level 1 of H4rr15 Levels after spending an entire year planning it out. (They fapped over this for a year and some months) building bombs, buying guns, making movies and writing stories declaring their plans while KMFDM played in the background, and even practicing their killing spree on various first-person shooter games. However they phailed hard because on their $5 per hour pay they could only afford shit tier guns and not the TACTICOOL DEAGLEs or P90s that they fapped over.

Eric's guns:-

  • Hi-point 995 carbine - a cheap, ugly, piece-of-shit 9mm carbine with crappy poor quality 10 round magazines. The media at the time liked to refer to this gun as an 'assault rifle' even though it had been specifically designed to comply with the 'assault weapons ban' put in place in 1994 supposedly to stop things like this from happening. Real assault rifles (which are capable of selecting between semi and fully-automatic or burst fire) are not readily available to the general public anyway. TL;DR: Epic gun control fail.
  • Savage-Springfield 67H sawed-off shotgun - Pump action 12 gauge that no one's ever heard of that was over 30 years old. Stock completly sawed-off and barrel sawed-off to make the whole gun an illegally short 26 inches long (the length Eric wished his dick was). This gun became Eric's imaginary girlfriend which he called 'Arlene' and had sex with a number of times in an attempt to fill the shotgun cartridges with his AIDS infected semen to make it moar deadly.

Dylan's guns:-

  • Intratec TEC-DC9 pistol - The other craptastic 9mm used. A poorly made, cheap, jam-o-matic made to look like a machine pistol to appeal to niggers and spics for use in drive by's. Early models could be illegally converted to full-auto which, again, the media had a shit fit about even though the gun used was a later model which could not be converted. Not that they needed to worry as these two retards' ineptitude in engineering (as can be seen with the crappy non-exploding bombs they made) would probably mean that any attempt to convert it would just result in it exploding in their face the next time they tried to fire it.
  • Stevens 311D sawed-off shotgun - Generic 12 gauge double barreled shotgun like any other.

In addition to this, the two faggots carried a number of knives that they didn't use, along with a number of IEDs of various sizes and designs that they built using instructions from the internet to blow up the school, but ultimately failed when the vast majority of them didn't assplode. These include:

Graded Score

Graded score
Kill count: 13/20
Accuracy: 8/20
Style: 20/20 manipulation, bomb collection, trenchcoat, macabre flair
Butthurt: 20/20 Creating a moral panic, inspiring generations of copy-cats
Bonus: 20/20
OG Shooters
Total score: 81/100 (B-)
Invest more skillpoints in Explosives next time.

They really hated Marylin Manson and his music (typical media lies, again), an irony since Manson took part of the blame because angry parents mistakenly believed that the two fags loved his music. They also hated Hitler, or at least Klebold did. Harris meanwhile admired both Hitler AND Osama Bin Ladin, with Harris regularly IMing Bin Ladin and telling him all about the various mass murder schemes that Harris dreamed up at night while masturbating to crime scene photos he downloaded off of the internet. Most notably, Harris is the one who gave Osama the idea of flying planes into buildings, making Eric Harris the REAL man behind 9/11. Even more interesting was that he was a Jew. In addition, Klebold was born on 9/11/81. No, srsly. Coincidence?

Afterwards, EVERYONE who loved to censor society felt the need to blame just about everything in pop culture as the cause of the killing spree. Others tried to blame the Victim, by bringing up the fact that Columbine High School was a literal hell on Earth where a violent Jockocracy ruled by the worst of the worst of the school's student athletes and the school's asskissing teachers/administrators allowed bullying to run rampant and were just asking for their students to take up arms and literally, take the school back in violent revolution taken straight out of the history book's tales of the American Revolution.

Of course, at the time it was unknown that Eric Harris was a complete and total sociopath who would have grown up to be a serial killer or the guy in special forces who goes insane in the field killing Iraqis and has to be put down by his fellow soldiers. Or that his lover, Dylan Klebold, was a closet homosexual who let Eric fuck him in the ass and followed him with his plot, with Eric manipulating Dylan's emo-ness.

TL;DR:

In Littleton, Colorado born and raised
Making pipebombs was where I spent most of my days
Luvoxin' out Doomin' KMFDMin' all gay
And all settin' some time bombs outside of the school
When a couple of jocks
Who were up to no good
Started making fun of the way I dressed
I shot 18 kids and the cops got scared,
They said "You're movin' with Ted Bundy and Jeff Dahmer in prison!"

I called for the cops and when they came near
The license plate said jocks and it had footballs in the mirror
If anything I can say this car was rare
But I thought "Now forget it" - "Yo ReB, to the commons!"

I pulled up to the school about 10 or 11
And I yelled to the cops "Natural Selection"
I looked at my high school
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Counter-Strike irl.

Columbine was ruled for years as the deadliest School Shooting evar, until it was surpassed by the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007. Of course, Virginia Tech is a college (and was committed by an Asian), so some argue that Columbine is still number one even though it took two people to kill 13, and even then, centered around a bunch of bombs that weren't built right and didn't fucking go off. Harris and Klebold were clearly trolling after killing ten people; Cho was trying too hard.

Controversy

OPS!

Some argue that Eric and Dylan were lovers and that Jews did Columbine or that Dylan just fell mugu to Eric's plan. What is funny about this though, is the fact that Dylan and Eric were actually part of a Jewish power movement bent on exterminating non-Jews, causing much lulz to people smart enough to research things. This also made the gods of irony cum instantly upon hearing the "Friends of Rachael Club" say that Eric and Dylan were "Hitler worshipers". lol. This picture, however, proves that they were homosexuals.

In one of their videos (having previously featured a member of staff from the school), the boys proclaim themselves to be the white knights of those abused at the school by jo-cockery, suggesting they would be targeting specific types for eradication. When the day finally arrived and the shooting began, it appears the ultra surge of orgasmic, delirium-inducing adrenaline pulsing through their minds took over, and they began shooting randomly, indicating a potential epic fail with regards to the mission objective. The boys did not have the bomb. They did, however, have an example of why terrorists should test DIY bombs prior to putting them into service when using the anarchists cookbook as primary reference material. The selection of a none target specific weapon forms a second disparity with their white knight videos.

Friends of Rachael Club

NOOBZ PWND.

Rachael was some stupid cunt who made the mistake of eating outside the front door of Columbine High School the day of the pwnage. She caught a few dozen rounds in the tits and died. This caused many Christfag family members to instantly bawwww over the loss of their little girl (also known as Missing white woman syndrome). They then decided to market her. They said that "she envisioned changing the world" and that in her bullet ridden notebook she drew a picture of a plant crying "9 tears". Those "9 tears" were apparently a psychic vision made by the dead bitch. So the hillbilly fucks started a group/way to make money from the death of a family member, called the "friends of Rachael club". Basically they troll the hallways of high schools asking people to be nice to random wapanese and animefags and asking for donations. Only fat losers, cunts with no boy friends, furries, and dykes are in the friends of Rachael club. To sell the groups image they had a random hick they paid in moonshine say he was Rachael’s uncle, and that Eric and Dylan were Nazis . When he said this, schools everywhere then shat bricks and exclaimed in the genius fashion that only high schoolers can achieve, "HITLER IS BAD!!!1ONEONEONE" Many other students then responded by closing the pool and forming 8 man swastigets.

tl;dr Rachael got owned and family is butthurt.

Cassie Bernall

Urban legend has it that one of their victims, a girl named Cassie, was reading a Bible in study hall when the two stormed in and started trolling IRL. The less socially awkward boy noticed this and allegedly asked her, "Do you believe in God?" to which she answered "yes" and was beaten to death with a crowbar. IRL none of this actually happened, as he simply shot her since she was cowering like a bitch. The last person to see her alive said that her last words were "Dear God. Dear God. Why is this happening? I just want to go home," one of the whiniest things heard by man, so the shooter was obligated to shoot her. Her parents have since milked the story to make lots of money as neither of them have a conscience. She has since become an hero to the cult of Christianity.

People try to use Cassie's death as a way to prove the so-called oppression of the Christians in today's society, forgetting the rest of the godless heathens who were shot up that day. PROTIP: They all fucking deserved it.

Until, of course, you point out to them that no one asked Cassie a goddamned thing and that the question was really directed at another girl, Valeen Schnurr (who lived through the massacre, but didn't get the credit due to her incredibly stupid-sounding name). Survivors are nowhere near as marketable as corpses.

JO MAMMA!

Eric Harris, when he wasn't building bombs or fucking his boyfriend or dreaming up new ways to kill people over IRC with Osama Bin Ladin, had a number of webpages, where he pioneered the anti-joke, mirrored here.

Prime selections:

JO mamma's kitchen lights are SO bright that you can see grease, dust, or any other bad thing in need of seeing.....JJJEEAAAA!!!!!!!!!

JO mamma sees so many stray dogs in her neighborhood that she talks the humans society a lot.....JJJEAAAAA

Jo mamma likes cheesecake so much that she make a pretty good one herself!....whenever she wants!......one......JEEEYAAAAA!!!

Jo mamma has said the word carrot so many times, that she is very good at pronouncing it! JEEEEYAAAAA!!!''

Insults done by REB, VoDkA, and KiBBz.

Badass.

OMG there's an RPG!!!

Released on the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre in 2005, Super Columbine Massacre RPG was an instant internet success, causing epic levels of butthurt and win. The game can be found here.

Nuvola
Moar info: Super Columbine Massacre RPG.

Fun Ways to Troll Columbine Survivors

Go ahead. It's as easy as 1-2-3!

  • Look up the Columbine survivors (their names are listed all over the net)
  • Log on Facebook
  • Type one of the survivor's names in the Facebook search bar
  • If you find that one of the supposed-survivor's has an existing account, make sure it is the exact person
  • Send them a message explaining how "sorry" you are for their experience
  • Wait for a genuine reply
  • After they have replied, send them a link to this page

Gallery

COLUMBINE THE MOVIE?

Yea thats pretty much what it is, except the kids have superpowers. Oh and theres a blackguy.

See Also

Influenced by:

Inspired to follow their lead:

Other

External Links

Play At Home Versions

Try for the high score with these games!

Info Pages


Columbine is part of a series on Education


I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...
Columbine is part of a series on
GOTH
I WILL NOT KILL MY CLASSMATES...
Columbine is part of a series on Psychopaths
3g1h-phone3.jpg Spree/One-time Killers:

Adam LanzaAnders Behring BreivikCasey AnthonyGerry McCannCho Seung-HuiTyler PetersonMark EssexDylan KleboldEric HarrisMaurice ClemmonsAaron AlexisBruce Jeffrey PardoElliot RodgerGeorge SodiniJiverly VoongMalik Nadal HasanJared Lee LoughnerJeff WeiseJoe StackJosef FritzlJason RodriguezMartin BryantMatthew de GroodMatti SaariMatthew MurrayPekka-Eric AuvinenWade Michael PageTheodore "The Unabomber" KaczynskiTim KretschmerTJ LaneRobert HawkinsRaoul MoatAlex Hribal

Career/Serial Killers:

Charles MansonChris BenoitHitlerMao ZedongJack the RipperJames HolmesRichard "The Iceman" KuklinskiTed BundyJeffrey Dahmer

Terrorists:

Al-QaedaDzhokar TsarnaevTamerlan TsarnaevOsama Bin Laden

See also:

Antisocial personality disorderParanoid personality disorderSick fuckMurderJewsPolice Brutality


HighScoreLeft.png
Columbine is part of a series on High Scores
HighScoreRight.png


Columbine is part of a series on Gun Control
Locus in quo: Colorado Theatre ShootingSandy Hook Elementary Massacre
Supporters:

Barack ObamaChristiansDemocratsGovernmentThe KennedysLiberalsMichael BloombergSensitive peopleTrayvon Martin

Main ideas:

GunGun ControlMurder

Haters gonna hate:

KillersRepublicans

Acts of revenge:

Boston Marathon Bombing

Objectors:

Charlton HestonJames HolmesNRARepublicans

Pre-2012 Gun Massacres

ColumbineVirginia Tech Massacre


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Columbine
is part of a series on
An Heroes

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Failures

Crystal ShinkleJeffree MoonLolo FerrariOperation YewtubeOwen WilsonPogoRooRex FowlerSirtom93The Great Sonic-cide of 2007Toaster SteveTumbles the Stairdragon

Died Alone

Aaron SwartzAdam LanzaAdolf HitlerAlan TuringAmanda ToddAn HaloStephanie Michelle BrownAndrew KoenigAsa CoonBrandon CrispBrigit Lorena GonzalezBroady Paul LedetBruce "Satan Claus" PardoBudd DwyerCandyjunkieCharles BishopCharmaine DragunChris BenoitChris DornerChristine ChubbuckChristopher FosterCho Seung-HuiCodey PorterDavid RitchesonDustin MichaelsDylan KleboldEmma JonesEric HarrisGeorge SodiniGizgizHannah BondHeath LedgerHunter S. ThompsonJake RobertsJames LeshkevichJarrad WillisJaylen FrybergJeff WeiseJenny GrantJiverly VoongJodie Gater and Stephanie GestierJoe StackJonathan Kendrick LewisKevin Neil WhitrickMarvin HeemeyerKlerckKurt CobainLivecorpseMatthias SchoormannMario FerreyraMegan MeierMercedes HerreraMitchell HendersonMr. HandsMatti SaariJosh BallardNghtmrchld26Nikki CatsourasOtoya YamaguchiPaula GoodspeedPekka-Eric AuvinenPhilip MarkoffQuentin HubbardRachele RuddRehtaeh ParsonsRicardo LopezRichard JeniRobert HawkinsRobin WilliamsRudolph ZurickSadie DavilaSam LeesonShane HalliganShaun DykesShawn WoolleyShayStephen KazmierczakStephen HuffStiletto oneTang YongmingTatiana the TigerThe An Heroes of BridgendTim KretschmerTony48219Tyler ClementiTyler DumstorfTyler PetersonYasmin Browder

Related Pages

90 Day JaneAn hero dayask.fmAutoerotic asphyxiationColumbineGolden iPodHeaven's GateHigh ScoreHow to become an heroMydeathspacePseudocideShotgun mouthwashSuicideThreatening suicideVirginia Tech massacreWaco



Featured article April 20, 2009
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