eBay—more commonly known as eGay or Jeway—is a browser based MMORPG where illiterate people try to find bargains but end up buying strange and ridiculous crap such as the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese and everyone's favorite, mystery boxes! Grotesque, questionable, and downright shittacular auctions such as these are cataloged by The LiveJournal community and sellers read it like The Wall Street Journal looking for the latest trends. Idiots. Ebay also spawned the Will verb again! catchphrase and is the source of A Plus being used ubiquitously.
The most prominent bidders belong to one of two groups: idiots who bid days before the auction ends and only succeed in driving the price up, and cheapskate assholes who snipe the auction in the last few seconds. Both groups are constantly pissing each other off, as well as everybody else who uses the site.
Purseblog, a forum for people who like to buy and sell fake purses, have all their posts summing up eBay with these conclusions:
- Most sellers are rude and sell fake items.
- Most buyers are scammers who commit chargeback fraud and paypal dispute fraud.
- PayPal is the biggest scam of all.
- 1 Selling on eBay
- 2 PayPal
- 3 Buying on Ebay
- 4 How to Troll on eBay
- 5 eBay Unveils Future Plans For 100% Buyer Protection
- 6 See also
- 7 External links
Selling on eBay
|Did You Know: a former CEO of eBay ran for governor of California in a bid to sell the state to the highest bidder in accordance with Randroid Tea Party capitalist ideals?|
Most people are saying to quit eBay and that it's a horrible experience selling, but everyone should. It is educational! You never see the worst of humanity until you sell to them on eBay and then you see so much...
eBay's feedback system is completely fake. All good feedback is from people who won't complain because they'll get blocked from buying from the seller and thus unable to buy any more super-cheap Chinese knockoffs from them. All bad feedback is from people who bid for the lulz just to leave bad feedback without paying. This sickens eBay's noob-ass founder who has been trying to close the site down ever since, but failing miserably. He's raised the fees through the roof, suspended people for nothing, forced everyone to use their terrorist funding payment system, paypal run by the infamous YouTube Street Team, and replaced all their email answering staff with Mudkips, yet still no one will shop anywhere else.
That said, eBay has a system where the percentage of 1 and 2 ratings in feedback will kill a seller (hide their listings, get the seller suspended) if they have too many. The bug is that multiple low ratings from one single buyer count multiple times. So one single buyer can buy tons of items from one seller, give them all 1 ratings, and the buyer can get the seller suspended all by themselves that way. This bug has existed ever since eBay started this system. The only way to try to fix this is to call Ebay and try to convince the Mudkip on the line to unblock you. Of course this won't stop the buyer from making a new account and doing it again. If they do this more than once, they probably won't unblock you as Ebay keeps track of your past calls and what action was taken.
Buyers are easily impressed. Sticky tape a free Chupa Chub lollipop to the item and you're already on good terms should they not like the item when it arrives. Or if the courier has driven a forklift over it for the lolz; . It's just a lolipop and it goes a long way towards making them not just send a chargeback or leave negatives without contacting you first.
Quick Survival Guide
TL;DR: Scam Ebay and Paypal. Don't get scammed by your buyers. Enjoy your profit(?)
It's clear that Ebay and Paypal take massivs cuts of your money. Ebay takes a listing fee, 10% in final value fees, and more. After eBay rapes your wallet, Paypal wants sloppy seconds and will take up to 10% as well. All of this is before you have to pay for shipping. Cutting one or the other party out of the loop as much as possible is a wise decision.
Do NOT try to use ebay to contact people to sell them things off ebay.
Ebay will raep you for them and the Mudkips won't save you as you broke the rules. They finally wised up to the old tricks like...
- List one item, let the auction finish, then contact the next highest bidder and offer it to them off eBay.
- Contacting people bidding on other people's items, offering to sell for less off ebay.
- Contact a seller and ask them if they'd be willing to sell the item off eBay, saying "this way you'll save on the end and transaction fees".
- Advertise multiple items within the same auction. E.g. "I've got this cool drill for sale, and I've also got a load of accessories (contact me if interested)".
- When in doubt, call the support Mudkips and say you "saw a listing" doing stuff. Then say the things you were thinking of doing. Say you didn't remember the username but just wanted to ask because you were curious. Only ask about one trick at a time. Be careful as they still can lie, so doublecheck by reading the Terms of Service after you're done.
What still works? Try these...
- State very clearly at the start of the auction that you would prefer some other means of payment. An online bank transfer is free, secure, easy, and a lot harder for people to issue chargebacks for. Paying directly into someone's bank account IRL is also pretty safe as is cryptocurreny like Bitcoin. Most people will still noob out and PayPal it, but some don't, earning you extra % back.
- Make them pay "actual shipping" but add an ounce or two (no more than four!) to the actual weight. From there pocket the difference in price between actual shipping materials and shipping cost and what they paid. This only works if NOT using eBay's shipping service.
- Use Egay's shipping program. This actually can save more money than overcharging on shipping sometimes. Do some comparisons between overcharging vs ebay shipping before you decide which one to use.
eGay are able to pull down auctions that breach their rules remarkably soon after they are made live. There is almost certainly not a human checking each description, but a piece of software searching for key words in the descriptions, which then tags specific auctions for a human to look over. Similarly, they are likely checking descriptions with the phrases "outside eBay", "off eBay", "close the auction" and so on. It's possible one of the mudkips has read this page and adapted. Get creative with your wording and scheming.
For example, using the word 'cash' in your description such as "I'll take cash" seems to attract attention, as you'll likely have the auction pulled. Instead say "cash on collection" and simply mark one shipping option as "Local pickup". After purchase have the buyer select that shipping option and pay with cash in person or via bank transfer. It's more work but hey- it avoids Paypal.
By the way, Paypal and Ebay aren't the only ones trying to scam you: buyers will scam you, too.
Buyers have 90 days after purchase in which they can fuck you over. Save EVERYTHING and always ship with a tracking number. No exceptions. They can start any of this crap up to day 90 after purchase dragging things out for months.
Some buyers will claim items are fake or stolen when they want to return them months later. A trick they use for this is scratching the serial codes and other registry information off an item. Companies themselves will delete these codes depending on how items are being exported and imported; e.g. we don't offer support in that region or through those distributors, so remove the codes. Make sure you take photos of the codes before hand and store them away next to your best pron so they won't get deleted. Photos of the item and receipts for postage will help. Always get a tracking number when shipping. Paypal and Ebay will ignore photos and screencaps, but they can't dispute a legit tracking number.
As to digital items like Steam codes or Bitcoins: just don't do it. Paypal won't cover them and you will get hit with friendly fraud 90% of the time. This means the buyer will pretend someone broke into their account or that the item never arrived and they will get the item plus a refund. Some of them even start chargebacks the same day they file for their fake "account break-in" refund. A chargeback costs $30 American dollars each time one happens on top of having to refund the customer. Even if Ebay files in their favor, they can go to Paypal or file a chargeback with their bank. Paypal and Ebay work independently of each other now and don't check with each other to see if cases overlap.
Paypal is eBay's method of forcing payment via only one system. For a long time they both owned and profited from Paypal and used loopholes to skirt the monopoly laws and those regarding payment of debt with legal tender. Various legal institutions took notice, however, so they decided to change things in 2016. Now Paypal is owned by a shill company connected to Ebay so they can pretend it's two companies. They have essentially created 'eBay world' and their own money, and you have to buy it at a rate that'd make a big city banker grin with the pwnage.
How did this happen?
Around the time paypal became popular on eBay, they purchased Billpoint and made it their official payment system, dubbing it "eBay Payments." eBay refused to accept payments of seller fees to it's own accounts from PayPal (while they had to pay the transaction charges) and then tried to force all other payment methods off its site, particularly PayPal. When they failed, they purchased PayPal and made it into the scam site it is today. So, as the truth about PayPal got out (which any idiot can find by googling PayPal), everyone stopped using PayPal in droves.
So then eBay made PayPal required on all its site with no exceptions and made half its site in various countries paypal-only. No seller uses PayPal by choice. Every single one that says "PayPal preferred" is forced to accept PayPal on eBay and everyone who accepts PayPal is forced by PayPal's TOS to say they prefer PayPal and if you forget to say that, PayPal freezes your account and takes all your money and then reaches in and empties your bank accounts, too.
Buying on Ebay
If you buy something on eBay, legally you didn't really buy it until it arrives. Therefore you don't really have to pay if it "never shows up". This won't get you banned as long as you don't abuse the loophole. As long as they didn't send a tracking number and you don't do this more than one out of every ten items, you're in the clear. Whine to paypal if Ebay doesn't see it your way. They work independently of each other now and don't check with each other to see if cases overlap.
Once the item has been bought you have up to 45 days to pay. Any longer and you get unpaid item strikes which can get you banned. You also have a 90 day window to make complaints. The 90 days starts from time of payment. Any time within that time frame, even if it's on day 89, can be used to get a refund or send items back.
If you're not sure about a buy it now and it's past mid-day, don't click the button, buy it later that night after some more comparing or the next morning. Even if you buy it now, in the afternoon, they probably won't put it in the post until the next day anyway. So it's better to think more about whether or not it's a good deal rather than rush and get a possible shit deal in the same time frame.
When they have a 'best offer' option, give your shitiest offer first. eGay runs software such that the seller enters the minimum 'best offer' price and eGay compares it to your best offer. E.g. Buy it now = £35, best offer = £20 minimum. You enter £30, they're still up £10 on the minimum they'd have accepted. Enter something stupidly low, e.g. £10, it'll probably fail. Then bump it up as the refusals come back.
Scan eGay for things you're interested in and watch auctions. Often, shops will relist items for months and the item isn't selling. Send them an email saying "I know this has been listed for three months and not sold, how about..."
Always read their terms and Ebay's terms. If something feels unfair or seems probably illegal then it's probably illegal.
It pays, BIG TIME, to know a little about the law when shopping online. Always read the Terms of Service and use common sense. You're not getting a brand new fully functioning current gen game system for ten bucks. Don't be stupid. As to the rest, it's all knowing the local rules.
In the UK, for example, the Distance Selling Act gives you 14 days to examine a product, decide if you want it and then decline it; because you can't actually see it in person over the intertitz. The seller MUST then refund you if you don't want it anymore and THEY have to pay for recovery of the item. Note that the 14 day rule only applies IF the seller directly states that you have 14 days to return an item. If not, it's extended to something like 6 weeks, as an incentive from the courts for sellers to play fair. Every big retailer knows this, so they always state it clearly and make out that 'two weeks to test it and free returns' is something special, when it's a requirement of the law.
You are also covered under the Trade Descriptions Act for numerous returns. Sellers will say things like "No returns!". This is bullshit, because the law says so. Unless an item is sold as "Untested" or "Spares", if an item is advertised as being something, or being capable of doing something, it must be so on arrival. If not, you get your money back. E.g. "This is a shit hot bike" + on arrival, "No it isn't" = Refund.
Along the same theme, an item has to last for a decent period of time. E.g. you buy something that would normally last years and it breaks in months = refund, regardless of any warranty or guarantee you have or haven't been given; these are additional to the law, they can't alter it.
When complaining, use these specific phrases, "I don't believe the item is fit for purpose because... [insert evidences here]" and "I don't feel the item has given a reasonable service life because... [insert moar evidences here]"; it's everyday legal terminology.
True cunts may stop replying to you or argue with you. Do not engage in arguing back or waste time, you must act quickly FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!! State clearly that you want a refund and why you're owed it. Mention the specific acts that say you're owed a refund and can claim it. When they argue, tell them you're going to have file a claim in the small claims court, that this is expensive and that, if they loose, they'll have to pay the fees. Be very careful with your wording here, do not threaten them, state it as a reasonable progression under the law.
If they don't reply real soon, don't fucktard around yourself, file the claim. It will cost you money to start with, but you should be confident by now that you're going to win and have the jizz inducing pleasure of knowing the seller will end up paying the fees for you, as well as giving you a refund. PROTIP: For the high score lolz, if you're actually going to the small claims court (which is just a meeting room with a judge who wants to go for his dinner in it), try asking the judge in your claim for money from the seller for wasting your time, "I should have been out doing this... but had to pay to do this while waiting for / dealing with a fucktard". You can include literally anything, e.g. postage, bus tickets getting to court, the cost of the pencil you had to buy to fill out the form, wages you've lost, stress. Just start writing EVERYTHING down with a date as soon as the seller acts up. The judge is often pissed off to be dealing with small claims and wants them dusted as fast as possible, so he'll stamp a lot for the lolz if he thinks you're right. Judges are also usually biased in favor of the buyer, as they know they're routinely ripped off and are impressed if you've bothered filing a claim to start with. Especially if you wear a clean shirt and be polite on court day.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>THE OFFICIAL UK ONLINE SMALL CLAIMS COURT<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
- Do not threaten or blackmail people. It's illegal and will ban your attempts every time. Choose words CAREFULLY. E.g. "I don't want to go to court but it's the only option left" and "I'm sure you can think of a fair way to settle this, how about... (basically moar but in a select, subtle suggestions)". NOT "GIVE ME MY FUCKING £££ AND MOAR, OR ELSE!" or "DO THIS OR I'M TELLING THE POLICE!"
- Keep EVERYTHING related to what's going on, every single email, message, receipt (including the ones for accepting delivery or sending out)... EVERYTHING
- Don't just email, they'll claim they forgot to check them. Send the same email as a letter, and try calling them (they probably won't answer). Note this all down (even the times you called them) and keep photocopies of letters (with the dates and your signature on them).
- Be careful when the seller has you post back a receipt as proof of purchase. Photocopy it first, as they may be attempting to recover evidence of ownership and your history of filing a request for a refund within the allotted time period.
- It's usually the sellers responsibility to claim a refund from the courier if the item is damaged.
- If you wish to return an item because it's not up to your standards, not because it's entirely fucked, gather evidence for 'expert witnesses', e.g. go on a forum about that item and say "should one of these costing this much be like this?", "no, it's shit" ---straight to---> Refund. Your mates don't count as references.
- You have to give people reasonable time to respond, but DO NOT allow the time periods for returns to lapse. Give them a few days, then take off every zig!
- If they're a genuine store, report them to Trading Standards for breach of the Distance Selling and Trade Descriptions Acts. Be aware that Trading Standards can generally do fuck all but harass them and tut. The judge is the main pimp to speak to.
This is a process by which the seller artificially increases the end price of their auction by bidding on their own item. At last check, this was actually allowed under eBay rules provided someone had made you that offer IRL and you were super, super, serious!
Sellers would often set up second accounts to then bid on their own items, sometimes using the shill bidding account for genuine purchases as cover.
Buyers can detect this by anomalies in the bidding. A key sign is that the auction ends at the smallest possible bid increment below your maximum bid. Examining the bid history, it was often possible to follow bidders and see that they had made a large bid to outbid you. Of course, this displays your own highest bid to the seller. You would then see this bid be retracted and another appear just below your own. It would often occur within a minute or two. There is absolutely no way a normal bidder would do this, as they have effectively entered a bid they know will not win.
It was also possible to detect shill bidders by following odd bidders within the history and discovering they had been bidding on numerous, entirely unrelated items from the same person and not won a single auction; often combined with lots of outbids, bid retractions and subsequent 'just below the maximum' bids. Another sign of shill bidding is that the seller demands payment immediately.
eBay loves the butthurt this produces, as it drives up the end price of the auctions to their maximum and they take a cut of that final value; so they earn more by allowing shill bidding. eBay require mountains of evidence before they'll consider telling a seller off, such as emails from the seller admitting they've been shill bidding.
eBay have since hidden the usernames in the bid history from the buyers during the auction under the guise of protecting their customers from fraudulent emails, making it next to impossible to detect shill bidding. Instead, they promise you they'll super, super seriously look out for you and definitely not let you get reaped. But most eBayers are assberger simpletons who think they're savvy buyers, and they won't see shill bidding when it's right in front of their face; or admit to it when they're told they've been raeped.
How to win a bid
Of course you can either be a normie and win the normal way... Or you could just cheat.
Step 1 Make two accounts, the first with your schekels, the second with none.
Step 2 Find a bidding and bid the highest with your first account, then make one on your second account for a ludricous amount of schekels (Example: 133,769$) Since you can do this because ebay doesn't require you to confirm your money to make a bid.
Step 3 Since the bid is too high, the seller will be forced to sell to the second most bidder, You.
This is how you mlg tactically take a object for a very low amount of money, master this mlg strat and you can save your schekels like the true jew you are.
How to Troll on eBay
Fake & Real Account Hijacking
Ebay likes to pretend it's safe. When someone tries to break into someone else's account and fails, it triggers a "safety protocol". This protocol locks that person's ebay account and forces them to reset their password. Having 2FA on the account will not stop this protocol. It also can't be turned off.
Now, you may not get into their account, but if you keep spamming attempts to get into their account it will lock them out over and over again. Old passwords can not be re-used so the owner of the account will be forced to come up with longer and more obscure passwords they are likely to just forget again. This will annoy the crap out of the real account owner. If the real account owner didn't use a real email or has lost access to that email they are basically fucked.
If you keep trying to break into someone's account your IP address will be banned. Just be sure to change your IP address before each "attempt" to get into their account and it will keep working. For extra lulz go to public "Free Wifi" areas and do the fake break-in there. This will IP ban the public wifi point which will cause serious butthurt from people trying to access Ebay there. Even better, if someone habitually accesses that area and tries to get the IP un-banned, they will look like a hacker and may get banned.
If you really want to hijack an account, it's also pretty easy. Many until people trying to figure out why they were linked to their old suspended accounts found out eBay does not encrypt peoples' passwords. It leaves the passwords unencrypted to check for sock puppets. And that's how people like Vladuz are able to hack eBay on an hourly basis. Stories below:
By the way, you can win any item just to leave negative feedback and eBay will only remove it if the person is a big powerseller with a lot of clout. eBay requires that both the phone number and the email must not work and even if the person's phone number is fake so calling it gets a Motel 6 and someone fills up the buyer's email address with a large mailbomb so all mail bounces and you give eBay an email with headers with them admitting they bid just to leave negative feedback then eBay will just say that's not good enough or more likely not answer at all.
eBay won't remove feedback because they send people to Squaretrade who will remove it if you pay them $30.
VERO is something called "Verified Rights Ownership". VERO is based on DMCA with additional stuff like trademark and rights of publicity and patents that aren't even part of DMCA. The difference between VERO and DMCA is that in DMCA once a counter-notice is filed, the entity making the allegations of infringement then has to take the accused to court. With VERO, eBay will then let the entity simply resend the same allegation for the exact same thing over and over again.
Since maybe 2002, sellers have registered on VERO and then used it to fraudulently report all their competitors' listings. Then, *poof* their competitors' listings are gone and eBay sends nasty emails to all the people who bid on the listing saying that the seller is a scammer. If a seller gets more than a few VERO complaints, their account is suspended for good. Well, since eBay says sellers have to resolve it with the person/organization that sent the VERO, if it's someone giving fraudulent VERO complaints, there is nothing you can do. The only success people have had is doing a class action lawsuit against companies sending fake notices of claimed infringement.
It's easy to register for VERO. Just fax in a form to eBay with fake info and link it to a free email address. The above is all seriously how eBay's VERO works and something competitors have done for years. If the GNAA ever finds this out, they just need to register for VERO, then run a huge bot to report every single eBay listing for VERO and every single eBay auction would be gone. We can but wait for that epic day.
VERO isn't entirely fake organizations sending the VERO complaints. Every single company that exists sends bogus VEROs for every seller that sells their products legitimately on eBay from Microsoft to Scientology to try to inflate the street price of their products. For example, Scientology doesn't want people buying their e-meters cheaper than they charge. If you're wondering, yes, all the VERO stuff is illegal.
You will need an alt account for doing this (or your real one if you are Hardcore), wait until a free listing day and go to town advertising popular items which will attract punters like playgrounds attract pedofiles.
- copypasta someone else's listing for the item you are "selling"
- Find offensive/computer crashing sites to link them to and edit them into your listing (lemonparty and nimp are always good)
- Disguise fake hyperlinks with a tinyurl
- Wait for hatemail
- Lulz ensured.
Get someone suspended in 24 hours
You've probably heard how sellers say "always hide your email address when responding to a question from a bidder." Here's why...
- Competitor makes fifteen brand-new 0-feedback buyer accounts.
- They ask one seller each a stupid question--something already explained in the auction. Say the auction is "ONE T-SHIRT, Jew COLOR" they ask, "Hey seller what color is this shirt?"
- If the seller didn't hide their email address, the competitor goes with his fifteen buyer accounts and copies the emails the seller had sent to report to eBay but alters the body of them so they say something that would get the seller suspended.
In 24 hours, the seller gets suspended.
eBay Unveils Future Plans For 100% Buyer Protection
- How to seriously troll the hell out of eBay for fun and profit
- eBay is basically the entire point of the LiveJournal community as the only posts in the community are references to users' eBay auctions.
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