Edward Snowden

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The ass that bubba is going to stick it in.

Edward Snowden is a hatefuck-able high school dropout and Paultard who committed treason under the guise of protecting freedom.

He ruined his life by leak docs about PRISM, a program that anyone who cares already knew about two years ago. But now the National Security Agency hates his ballsack fur and every other bit of his manmeat.

Background

Edward Snowden (AKA David Hoffman birth name from Plano, TX) is the nephew of David Rockefeller Jr. (his mother is the sister of Rockefeller Jr.'s wife) led a distinguished career, dropped out of Plano high school, community college, the Army and eventually the CIA. He was clearly cut out to be a government employee. Recognizing his ability to fuck everything up, he was hired by the government and was given a top secret security clearance. Unfortunately, his employer didn't know just how badly he could fuck things up. Edward gathered all the top secret information he could get his hands on and ran off under the pretense that he was getting treatment for his Epilepsy.gif.

Obama Gets Doxed

Once he arrived at Hong Kong, he went completely drama llama. Edward started snitching on all the hijinks Obama had been up to; bugging things, stealing secrets and a bunch of other unimportant shit. He failed to grasp that a dead nigger is far more important and that nobody except drug dealers and terrorist care about being spied on by the government. Strangely, Europe seems to be taking the revelation that Obama had bugged their offices, stole state secrets and defiled their grandmothers' virtue rather badly. So bad, in fact, they are threatening to launch a new Cold War against the US. This is perhaps the single most empty threat known to the history of international politics, as Obama has his finger on the big red "Fuck Everything Up" nuke button, while most of Europe is busy trying to stave off yet another revolution.

Reaction

For a grand total of twenty seconds, the world stood still. NORPs everywhere paused to think about all the child pornography they had emailed throughout the years, and how bad it would look if they were outed. Then the weather report came on, and Snowden was forgotten. China kicked his ass to the curb once be became old news. He then fucked off to Russia, in hopes of escaping to somewhere warm and rapey. Ecuador looked promising until Obama dispatched his lap dog Biden to give the country a stern talking to, at which point Ecuador shaped right up.

That left Snowden, hero of libertarians, shitting in an airport toilet and stealing Starbucks WiFi indefinitely. Obama now says he doesn't give two shits about Snowden, indicating he knows there is no punishment worse than being stuck in a Russian airport terminal indefinitely. After seeing Hong Kong emerge as a citadel of relative freedom, Internet junkies dropped their U.S. accounts in favor of China, the uncontested leader of world liberties and philosophies. Republicans quietly put out feelers toward rededicating the Lincoln Memorial as the Alibaba building, perhaps retrofitting the statue to look more like Mao Zedong. The NSA was subsequently supplanted as the nation's number one spying outfit by the Syrian Electronic Army, which seemed more savvy to the pulse of modern day social networking.

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