The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
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OMGWTFBBQ! Oblivion is over 10 years old nao!!!1
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is yet another in the never ending line of rehashed RPGs about magic, swords, elves, and other typical fantasy faggotry. Although Oblivion is touted as an "Ackshin RPG", it can be more accurately described as a single-player MMO due to the high amounts of grinding and the hundreds of hours it will suck away from your pathetic existence.
The game has received a fair amount of praise from the gaming community (a.k.a. "Virginville"), despite the fact that it's really just Morrowind with prettier grafix and half the scenery, abilities, weapons, and fun chopped out. The main difference being is that in this game you can actually fight people, unlike Morrowind's shitty turn based combat.
Oblivion is available on three platforms, with each version sucking in its own way:
PC: Unless you're a poorfag running win98, then PC is most likely the way to go. The PC version has a few noted benefits over the console versions, one being that it's much easier to h4x and cheat your way to success (just like in real life). Also, you can actually fucking move and place objects without going insane. You can download mods that fagtards use to OMG SEE THEIR CHARACTERS NAKED! We all agree, though, that this feature is totally fucking useless.
Xbox 360: If your PC happens to fail it in the performance department or you are a 360 fag, the 360 version is the next logical choice. Features of the 360 version include a $60 price tag, then another $50 to download all of the expansion material before your console Red Rings on you and you're forced to wait for Micro$oft to take their sweet-ass time fixing it as you cry yourself to sleep at night. Also, it's perhaps even moar buggy than the PC version, if that's possible.
PS3: If you're a Sony fanboy then you'll likely be picking up this version of the game, which in most regards, is completely identical to the Shitbox 360 version. The difference is that you get most of the downloadable content per-included for no extra cost. Or you can just buy the GOTY edition for $60 which is available on both consoles. Any way you look at it you're getting screwed over.
You are the only person capable of stopping a vast conspiracy that threatens the entire empire, you face enemies who have never known defeat and strive to destroy you, yet if you blow off the main quest nothing will happen. Along the way you will encounter some horrible AI and buggy graphics.
As Oblivion is an action RPG, there is none of that pansy-ass turn-based combat bullshit to get in your way. The turn-based faggotry is replaced with real time faggotry, where you attack by hitting a button over and over, occasionally stopping to chug some healing potion. The difficulty of Oblivion ranges disjointedly from crippling, insanely, Battletoads challenging to something your 3-year-old sister can beat. It all depends on where you set the difficulty meter while playing. And since you can save or change the difficulty at any time, there's never any real cause for worry. If you find yourself being out-classed by your enemies, simply crank down the difficulty to the point that it's easier than stealing candy from a dead baby. Once the difficulty's down, Oblivion plays sort of like an FPS with swords, since you don't have to worry about skill levels, casting spells, mixing potions, or any of that nerdy stuff. Just hold down the attack button until everyone in front of you dies. Or you can just make a set of full invisibility armor and run around like some sort of ninja God.
And on the topic of leveling, Oblivion's is a broken pile of AIDS. Levels are acquired by improving your primary skills, which is done by using them. So you can look forward to 85% of your playing experience being dedicated to casting the same spell 10,000 times in a row while in a dazed stupor or taping down the "Q" key to sneak in place for hours. The only downside is that every 25 levels you get a pop up with some spiritual message about how much you've advanced and what not. It all amounts to a level of grind rivaled only by World of Warcraft. But once you do actually level, most of your enemies level right along with you, so it doesn't really become any easier, making the game somewhat interesting.
Naturally, gamers will frequently draw comparisons between Oblivion and its predecessor, Morrowind. Like Morrowind, Oblivion is a life-draining waste of time and money, but there are a few key differences. Oblivion has been updated to be more user-friendly, with a more accessible player management system and fewer complications. Of course, this also means that quite a bit has been stripped out, and it is not uncommon to hear whiny forumgoers bitching about how Oblivion has been dumbed down for a new audience. The scenery in Oblivion is also a noted upgrade, with Next-Gen graphics and lots of lens flare thrown over everything, enabling near recreation of such diverse landscapes as a beautiful forest with a couple rocks or a beautiful forest with a small stream running through it. In fact, it seems that the developers were so satisfied with their piece of forest scenery that they cuntpasted it hundreds of times to cover every inch of the ridiculously huge map. So in short, the entire game looks exactly the same, with the occasional snowflake thrown in if you climb high enough up the mountains.
However, Oblivion is not strictly about combat. Players may also solve some of their problems by utilizing Oblivion's simulation of social interaction. Like in real life, threatening, then complimenting, then joking with, and then bragging to someone can increase their favor towards you.
Some other annoying grievances:
- Only like two fucking boss fights in the entire game, and they're both boring.
- Glitches out the ass, some so bad that you're forced to restart your game from scratch.
- Retardedly exploitable magicka system.
- No nudity in the console versions. Seriously, what the fuck?
- About 80% of your time in Oblivion is spent spelunking in the fucking dark, in one featureless cave after another, copy and pasted over9000 times while being attacked by rats and zombies that you can't see unless you cheat by turning up the brightness, use a completely useless torch or become a Jew, which has night vision.
The niggers who made Oblivion also released a Construction Set for the game, so you can add at least 100 mods to make it be slightly less shitty. Naturally, sheeple suddenly started to release random garbage. The primary site for Oblivion's fanbase to excrete it on is called TESNexus. Having over 9000 mods, of which 99.9% are shit, the batshit insane nazi USI moderators ban anyone and everyone who so much as says they don't like something, proving that everyone on the site is a pussy.
They are AlienSlof (a woman who needs to gb2kitchen instead of making pr0n with 20 foot cocks), Buddah (the main faggot who moderates it, who has said on the official forums that he spends 16 hours on some days banning people), bben (presumably "Big Ben", who doesn't really do anything, and is an ugly basement dweller IRL), LHammonds (bans people for fucking anything like Buddah, but unlike the other nazis, he mods in the way of making shit retextures). All of them serve their god DarkOne, who sits back and watches them raep people for the lulz while cashing in from his retarded donators. Some argue that they're fair because of their "three strikes and you're out" system, but the fact is that they'll ban you for anything without a second thought, no matter how many times you've violated the law.
After a quick inspection of the armor section, you'll find that all of it is "armor" made by 13 year old boys. This "armor" is very protective, even though it all takes form in bikinis. A more rare breed of fucktard who mods armor is 16 year old girls, who suck cocks too much to make their own shit and convert the female shit to male characters.
As you may know, this ancient, oft-proven rule of the internet has been shown to be true for just about everything. And Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is no exception. As with anything else in the world, Oblivion is the subject of tons of porn from around the web, and since Oblivion is a realistic videogame, this is especially true. Naturally, most of the pr0n contains Khajiits and Argonians, because furfags are usually the only ones sick enough to make this stuff. Most of this pr0nz spawned because some faggot somewhere decided it would be hawt to have the already shitty looking characters to get all naked and have seizures while performing fellatio or something.
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Another area of glaring failure is the voice acting department. There are ten races in Oblivion, and with two genders, that means there should be at least twenty distinct character voices. In actuality, there are like five. So that means that out of the 9000+ NPC's, most if not all of them sound exactly the same. So it looks like the voice acting division spent all of their allotted money on hiring Patrick Stewart to voice all of the Emperor's three lines, so they had to hire five bums off the street to fill the remaining roles. As a result, everybody in Oblivion sounds exactly the same and has incredibly awkward transitioning between lines. Not to mention that the dialog sounds as if it was written by Peter Chimaera. With conversations like:
Orc: Any news from the other provinces?
High Elf: I saw a Mudcrab the other day. Nasty little creatures...
Dunmer: How are you?
Dunmer: I've heard others say the same
You cant help but have that distinct feeling that everyone around you is schizophrenic
Speaking of mental instability, Bethesda has gone and released several downloadable one and zero combinations that, according to Bethesda's marketing department, could make a meal of many basement-dwelling Elder Scrolls Players' disposable welfare checks!
The DLC often considered the most elongated and well-processed, much like that salty log you pushed out of yourself after taco night.
You frolic about the muddy and dreary countryside of the Quivering Archipelagos, populated by many frogmen and fishpeople, as well as a congregation of mentally unstable madhouse escapees. The man and mer that inhabit this area all possess some form of dementia (or mania, hurr hurr), which can range from the most acute chronic headaches to the most elaborate genocidal rampages. The content possesses many interesting highs and lows, showcasing an array of useless items such as a knife that can heal your enemies, a ring that can make you walk and breathe on water simutaniously, and a ring that destroys all of your worn armor. However, the game boasts its fun-having potential with a staff that can control the weather and a spell that can raise people from the dead for all of your sexual pleasure.
Knights of the Nine
A game for all of the closeted Christfags out there. The meaningless figures in a chapel of the city Anvil are murdered mysteriously, and a preacher who probably belongs in the previously mentioned DLC is out and about ranting of an apocalyptic event. You have to retrieve a bunch of crappy Crusader relics that look like they were designed by the blind temple monks of the game in order to slay a big golden giant, so you can gain some well-deserved praise and a house full of monks that will do nothing but eat all of your computer-generated foodstuffs.
Lousy DLC-filler where you conquer a long dungeon and collect a crappy-ass custom dagger that sucks massive balls, it has a 1 in 4 chance of killing an enemy in one hit while taking about 4 hits to actually kill someone, rendering it useless. Whee!
The elitist dicks of the Mages' Guild want to you retrieve some mechanical parts from some thieving ruffians in order to repair a mystical device built by ancient midgets. Allows access to a telescope that can grant magical abilities, though why you wouldn't just use a readily available spellmaking altar to do just the same is a topic of debate.\
The player is provided with a new house in which the player can commit evil deeds and perform vampiritic rituals. Bwahaha! Also provides a new item, the chokeberry, which can kill certain players if you can convince them to eat one, much like an item that is already in the game.
Horse Armor Pack
Allows you to purchase metallic coating for your horses, therefore making your hooved quadriped buttbuddy more slick and durable, so he survives longer through the raping process.
Need a place to store your slow yet strong-willed hammer-heaving peacemaker? No? Of course not, nobody wants to make a combat-oriented character! Stealth is the only worthwhile trait! This package is also a bit tedious, as you have to rescue the castle before the owners will give you their servitude and living quarters.
Need a home to incorporate your weak yet magically-talented spellslinging dogooder into? No? Of course you don't, because magic is far too slow and monotonous of a skill to level, stealth being its clear superior! You mysteriously inherit a gargantuan tower from an unnamed family member you've never even heard of, hell you don't even know how you ended up in jail for fucks sake yet you are given access to a wide range of alchemical devices to utilize to your advantage. Also a bit tedious due to the fact that you have to buy some things to get everything to work.
At last, a homely underground cavern to hone the skills of your sword-brandishing, poison-tipped creature of the night! You uncover a delightfully piraty galleon for you to store your stolen loot within. Allows you to hire trainers and vendors to raise your stats and sell your items, a croney-control center that employs pirates to gain you some booty, and a chest that you can unlock over and over and over again! Only downside is that you have to kill a load of skeletons before purchasing all of the wherewithal.
Randomly generating books that give you more useless abilities. Whoopie!
So, you find yourself beating the last contender in the arena. "Finally all of that hard work is over!" you say to yourself. When the champion falls you rejoice, and so does the crowd. Well, since there is nothing left to do you find yourself back at the front entrance to the arena, speaking to the man who takes bets. You leave feeling accomplished in your deeds. But what is this robust colored specimen blocking the way? Why is it walking toward me...What the hell is this thing!?! I didn't know Jak was in this game!!!
Choices, choices, choices...
Right after speaking to this golden-haired Jew, he gives you two options from which to choose. Both of them will produce strange, and in some cases, extremely hilarious results. They are as follows.
Choice #1: Follow Me
You can satisfy his needs by letting him follow you around everywhere. That means that everywhere you fucking go he'll be kissing the ground you walk on. It sounds just as great as it is fucking annoying. Most likely if you choose this option, you only do it so you can have him follow you to a giant cliff in the mountains and end up killing him with fire. Lulz are sure to ensue because he basically goes flying and ragdolls down the mountain for like 20 minutes thanks to the shitty physics engine that was rammed into this game's ass.
Choice #2: Stay Here
This choice in conjunction with the latter choice can produce some of the most hilarious results this game can offer, especially when you get bored with him.
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Oblivion 2: Electric Boogaloo
One fine day at the spike video game awards Bethesda decides to make all the fanboys wet with joy when they announced The Elder Scrolls V : Skyrim. Released on the 11/11/11 (omg sooooo kool WTF!!!)
it will probably follow the same shitty plot of the last game because the Oblivion plane is fucking the world up again and it's about DRAGONS!!!1. Oh yeah, you can dual wield.
—Njerpez - 240p watch real men!
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- Oblivion with guns
- Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
- EverQuest, which is pretty much this game, except MMO form
- EverQuest II, another faggy example of Oblivion in MMO form, down to the looks
- The offishul Oblivion website
- Oblivion Wiki
- Zero Punctuation review of Oblivion
- Oblivion on Nexusmods - mod the shit out of the game to make it playable in the current year.
- Oblivion on Steam
- Tweaking / Performance Guide
- How Long To Beat? - tl;dp
- Jack Thompson even attacks this! /facepalm -
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