Electricity

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Electricity is that magical tingly friend that makes your lights shine bright, your internets flow, and your criminals sizzle. Its unlulzy properties are well documented here in a style of writing you can handle. Otherwise you can just watch the video here.

Great moments in electrical history.
Electrical engineers find this funny. Physicists troll them for it.


History

Electricity is the white man's new slave and made it possible for the U.S. to recover after the abolition of human slavery in 1863. Some dramatic scientists who brought us electricity were:

Ben Franklin

The only historically noteworthy Philadelphian, Benjamin Franklin was an epic pimp with four children by his wife, and countless illegitimate ones, which is how he discovered that collecting electricity in your body gives you a higher sperm count. Fortunately, few people are badass enough to survive the process, though many try.

Nikola Tesla

This Guy invented a form of electricity that was powered from the pure energy of the earth, no oil, no hydro, no coal, no uranium, just the magnetic shift in the universe. Then the jews told the gummint that they couldn't make money that way. So Tesla got the shaft and now were all fucked . Nikola Tesla came up with the Tesla Coil, Teleforce, Tesla's oscillator, a couple UFO theories, renewed contemporary interest in pseudo-science, some ideas about New Age Occultism, the Tesla electric car, Tesla principle, Tesla's egg of Columbus, a few electronic circuits and patented a bunch of crap that's outdated now and didn't make much money to begin with. Concerning the questionable logic of his harebrained bestsellers Edison once said:


   
 
Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work.
 

 
 

—after reading "Tesla Predicts Fuelless Plane Without Engine,” New York Herald Tribune, 1927

...but much speculation has arisen. Thomas Edison was from New Jersey, so it's doubtful he could read a newspaper targeting an audience in New York City.

The only thing Tesla was involved in that really proved useful over the long haul was Alternating Current electricity. That's because Westinghouse and Siemens had a finger in the pie. One might notice that Westinghouse and Siemens have large international companies named after them. Tesla however, has more 25 year old virgin fanboi geeks than Carrie Fischer, who love to get butthurt over the fact that Thomas Edison invented more useful devices with a lot less science fiction potential and made a ton of money. The Official Shrine of Nikola Tesla is updated every quarter-hour by said fanbois and they will revert your attempts at portraying him from a realistic perspective within seconds.

Eventually dying alone in 1943, Tesla's legacy of irritating real scientists by ignoring the laws of thermo-dynamics was buried by wikipedos in the late '90s, who, it is likely, will also die alone. But by far his most important contribution was giving the world the Tesla Coil as popularized in Red Alert 2. This would eventually spawn a meme OL. Some argue that this is more than can be said about Franklin, who spawned corny IRL re-enactors. From an internets perspective that's entirely true, but they discount the proof that Franklin had IRL sex at least 4 times. There is no proof that Tesla had sex at all.

Old Sparky - This ride isn't just for metal heads anymore.

Thomas Edison

A tobacco chewing slob from New Jersey (big surprise) who invented affordable versions of existing prototypes that made a lot of money like light bulbs and phonographic record players. He got epically butthurt when no one wanted to use his phonograph for archiving important events and it took him decades to come to terms with the fact that the main users of his products were 16 year old girls listening to black person tunes at the local pop-shop at three songs a penny and people who wanted to see in the dark without fire. To his credit, Tesla lulzed it up big time by saying:


   
 
As an eminent pioneer in the realm of high frequency currents... I congratulate you on the great successes of your life's work.
 

 
 

—Nikola Tesla, getting a BAWWW! out of Edison

To put this into modern terms, consider how those who perfected voice recognition in the 70s must feel every time they call the unemployment agency and wish they could get through to a real person, 40 years later. This fuckface is the reason why we have to pay for electricity and we don't have flying cars.

He had a lot invested in Direct Current electricity and tried to spread a bunch of propaganda against A/C but not for the lulz. Edison was a good friend of Henry Ford and Tesla's early followers probably thought that had something to do the automobile industry's ignoring his perpetual motion theories. Tesla hated him and so do his fanbois.


Electrocution

Something Texas holds very dear to its high-cholesterol heart, electrocution of undesirables for the lulz is often for great justice. High amperage creates great heat, causing flesh to burn; thus the "Texas BBQ". Whether it be in a chair or hanging from live wires, the amperage of electrical current can kill you at high enough levels. Despite this common knowledge, numerous people get killed trying to cross electrified railroad tracks every year, much to Darwin's relief.

In Soviet Ukraine, electricity lights you up!
These wire-theiving niggers died from too much electric.

Electric Companies

Electric Companies charge on a "kilowatt hour" basis, which, unless you're a mathematician, you will never be able to understand. On average, a normal U.S. home has a monthly electric bill of $184. Washington, D.C. has the highest rates on average, with $0.11~ per kWh, while in contrast Idaho is $0.06 per kWh. This is irrelevant however, as nobody wants to live in Idaho, but it is interesting to analyze the racial demographics. Electric companies have several methods at their disposal for producing electricity but the lulziest by far is Nuclear Fission, just ask anyone from Pripyat.

What do I do when the power goes out?

  1. Check to see if you set up the UPS.
  2. Curse yourself for turning off "Auto-save".
  3. BAWWW about not being able to watch the newest Lost episode.
  4. Go into Dad's closet and get a magazine.
  5. Sit around and talk to people you have no interest in talking to.

Electricity makes your music

Without electricity you don't have a motherfucking ipod. You also can't do this;

See Also

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Electricity is part of a series on

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