EverQuest is a fantasy-based MMORPG owned by SOE and designed by an opium addict that allows character creation and simulated fights against dragons and other nonsensical things. Since its appearance into the world the role-playing game now has such nicknames as Evercrack", "Sheep Fucker Extravaganza", "Zionist Crap Fest", "Elf Fisting", and "I Have Not Seen Sun In 30 Days". Much of it was also developed by known Christfag and druggie, Brad McQuaid.
The most notable thing about the EverQuest online game is the player base. EverQuest players are the only known species to survive solely on Mountain Dew and Frito-Lay chips. Also, no EverQuest player has ever had contact with another human, even their parents. They are elusive creatures who only come out of the woodwork to make junk food runs. Somehow, without jobs or social contacts, they still have the means to pay the
$3,213.53/month access fee...it's free to play now (sort of).
When the competition gets fierce, it may become necessary to play for several hours on end with no sleep or break. There's a chance that you'll kill yourself like Shawn Woolley did, but it's totally worth it.
Many of the players are known to practice black magick, even though none succeed or even have any idea what black magic is. Although pretending you're a level 77 necromancer that is frog/tiger/drow really comes in handy in the real world. A good example is Fansy the famous bard.
EverQuest's gameplay basically helped spawn every other shitty MMORPG out there, except EQ's much more hardcore because you don't get the hatchet of fukken slaying by clicking one button like you do in WoW or EQ2. Besides typical combat, you have the raids, which consist of grabbing as many other losers like you as possible and going after a fucking huge dragon, owlbear, Canadian, or some other mythical beast that Pagans finger themselves to. There's also selling ingame swords and bat feces for platinum, creating things for other players, and joining guilds, which usually propel some of the largest amounts of drama in the game. (That's because guilds involve every other aspect of EQ, except amplified by 100%.)
EverQuest also had a highly exploitable feature where Non-Player Character (NPC) aggro was transferrable to other players and could only be wiped by one of four ways: you move out of the zone where the creature spawns, you have an enchanter wipe his mem, you're a Monk or Shadowknight with the feign death ability, or you die. This feature provided many lulz for those who knew how to work the system and the ensuing carnage created were affectionately called Trains. EverQuest was the last MMORPG to have this feature as other pussy games such as WOW allowed the NPCs to "forget" they hated the player way too easily and helped become part of the cancer that is killing online games.
EverQuest allows you to bind your spawn point. Unlike the current crop of faggy games like WOW, you had to really think hard about where you wanted to re-spawn in case of player death. If your bind spot was too close to a hostile NPC you could end up repeatedly dying, spawning and dying again repeatedly and losing experience every time, effectively de-leveling yourself to level 1. Good times!
In addition, EverQuest punished players severely for dying. If you died in EverQuest, you spawned at your last bind point completely naked and missing experience. Your task now was to run without armor, weapons, spell components to where your broken corpse is and loot your own corpse to retrieve your items. Alternatively, you could spam general begging people for help or for a cleric to resurrect you.
If you couldn't find a cleric to resurrect you before you looted your corpse completely, your experience was gone FOREVER until you busted your ass to get it back. Fucking kids today, don't know how hard it was in the old days.
Because of whiny WoWfags, the game is very watered-down now.
There are multiple cities within EverQuest where player characters can travel to and reside in. Each have some of the most disturbing lore ever found in a fantasy game.
- Qeynos - The first thing one should notice is that "Qeynos" is actual "Sonyeq" backwards, which automatically makes it lol. The city was founded by Antonius Bayle in the year 3000, and eventually his son renamed the continent "Antonica" after himself and his father. Eventually, Antonius Bayle IV became king, and now leads the city. Despite the peaceful, moral-bound qualities of the city, women are told to stay in the kitchen.
- Freeport - The savanna city that lies within the Commonlands, and a popular tourist spot. Unfortunately, the crime rate is high, especially at the docks because that's where the pirates are. The place is pretty much a police state and the poor and the minorities are beaten daily by the cops. Sir Lucan D'Lere and the Fist of Marr bitch over who gets to rule the city. Guess who wins.
- Cabilis - Located on the Kunark continent. Home of the famous iksar, which are "an evil, reptilian race whose members often engage in torture and the capture of slaves, much akin to the Nazis" according to this article on the Thule Society. The iksar usually get pwned by their own slaves, and rise to power over and over again. When their slaves can no longer work, they are eaten by the iksar.
- Erudin - The Erudites live in this seaside city full of marble buildings. There's also a library that has every book, ever. Even Twilight.
- Felwithe - The high elf city, and an anagram of "white elf". Everyone there is rich and it's a utopia. However, they're all inbred.
- Ak'Anon - A city of gnomes that is underneath the Steamfont Mountains. Very much like Central Park, Ak'Anon has a zoo that no one gives a shit about. It has three animals that are constantly slaughtered for experience. It is also notable for being a town that isn't for pussies, being that it has roaming skeletons hungry for brains in its lower parts. Eventually the robots revolt and take over.
- Gukta - This hot, humid, and sticky land has the largest population of Battletoads, which are always at war with the trolls. (Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.)
- Kelethin - The perfect place for any hippie, because it's in the trees. This is where the wood elves and PETA members are found.
- Halas - In every fantasy story, there will always be the icy north. This is it. Halas always reeks of beer because the barbarians live here. Many of them are atheists because they don't have time for religion. They just need their beer.
- Kaladim - This is where the dwarves live. Like barbarians, dwarves enjoy drinking. They are conservatives who hate nature and prefer to mine and make shit all the time.
- Neriak - The dark elf city that is underground, and is the most evilest place in the world.
- Surefall Glade - Built in the middle of nowhere, this city houses humans and half elves who get killed all the time by thieves.
- Shar Vahl - Furfag central. Luckily for us, it explodes.
- Paineel - Where the evil erudites go.
- Oggok - You thought America had the highest obesity rate? Any place with ogres will obviously surpass America. That's why we hate it.
Races in EverQuest
- Humans - Like every other MMORPG, humans in EverQuest have the generic, well-rounded stats, but they are also in power: for example, Kane Bayle of Qeynos.
- Barbarians - Similar to humans, except these guys are really, really, huge. Like the dwarves, they both are always drunk. Always.
- High Elves - Pompous, arrogant, and snooty Aryan jerks. None of them live in poverty whatsoever, probably because they're all white. Firiona Vie is one of these.
- Wood Elves - Hippies. They are the type to prance about in the woods, nuzzling deer and bitch about global warming.
- Half-Elves - Sporting more piercings than your average BME user, the Half-Elves enjoy shopping at Hot Topic and cutting themselves.
- Dark Elves - By far the most popular race. They prefer to be filled with hatred, and only hatred, and threatening everyone they see. Too bad they're only about five feet tall and purple-skinned.
- Halflings - Hobbits that go batshit insane when they don't have their daily dose of jumjum.
- Dwarves - The northmen who wield axes, drink beer, and grow beards regardless of gender.
- Gnomes - Many players who choose this race think they are the most hilarious things ever. What's hilarious is that they resemble their players: greasy-haired basement dwellers.
- Trolls - Frequent EQ by posting unrelated material, not bathing, and eating fried chicken.
- Ogres - Obese morons. At least 100% of the time, Ogre player-characters will be named something retarded such as "Bonekrusha," "Bludrinkar," or "Snotbooger.".
- Iksars - A race of lizardmen terrorists that live in the jungle and eat everything.
- Vah Shir - Anthro cats that become extinct in EQ2, but were soon replaced by the equally shitty kerra in the sequel. Many players who choose these races are unaware of the furry fandom, and would probably reroll if they learned of it.
- Erudites - The Nigerians who are actually extreme intelligent. They also enjoy reading books and being all pretentious about it.
- Frogloks - Obnoxious, snobby pricks who talk like bad LARPers and are always at war with trolls and pirates.
- Drakkin - The newest race of humans that have been touched by dragons. Therefore, they have weird markings smeared on them along with horns. But nobody cares.
EverQuest has a bunch of classes, but nowhere as much as its sequel.
- Bards - A class that does everything, but not necessarily good at anything. For some reason they wear plate armor, and even has a song that cures hunger. Playing this class will give you carpal tunnel.
- Beastlords - A class that only 100 people like. It's a class that summons pets, and the species depends on the character's race. Fans of this class go at great lengths to get them added in EQ2, and fail.
- Berserkers - ADHD-riddled vikings that swing axes around like epileptic seagulls, and have no other use at all. When not wielding axes, they will rip and tear.
- Clerics - The typical healing class. They suck at fighting but make up for it by fixing everyone else's butthurt. Whenever a cleric logs in, they will be flooded with private messages asking for them to group.
- Druids - The second-best healers. Besides calling upon the powers of Captain Planet, they are masters of using portals as transportation, and doing a fair amount of damage. Basically, this class can solo pretty well... and they're overused.
- Enchanters - By using flashing lights, this class can distract monsters and prevent them from attacking noobs. They're basically crowd control. IRL, they are part of riot patrol.
- Magicians - With the help of their familiars, magicians will pwn anything that comes their away. When played by children, the familiars will be always named after a Pokémon.
- Monks - Kung-fu fighters who wear leather and can troll monsters by pretending to be dead. Only iksar and humans can be monks, pissing off legions of animu-loving elf fantards.
- Necromancers - Aside from summoning vampires and zombies, Necromancers can also do a lot of damage over time. They can also turn into a lich to regain mana when they don't have enough. Only the worst of basement dwellers play as them.
- Paladins - Tanks that can kind of heal. Most notably, they run around with crosses everywhere and kill the infidels in the name of Marr!
- Rangers - Archers that live in the woods, making sure poachers don't come in and ruin everything for everyone else. Lord of the Rings fanboys are huge fans of this class.
- Rogues - Thieves that trap people and steal their money. They also pick locks, making it useful for lazy fucks to get by in the game. Too bad they can't get into a friends only journal.
- Shadowknights - They are able to piss off multiple people at once by using hardcore metal skills and also being able to pretend to be dead, by using their corpse paint and spiked armor.
- Shamans - The shittiest healer class, but make up for it for being able to turn monsters into Slowpokes. Trolls make the best shamans because they can not only do the Slowpoke attack, but also prevent enemies from moving.
- Warrior - The typical fighter class that keeps the attention of monsters away from the "squishies". They prefer to kick ass all the time and wield oversized weapons.
- Wizards - The typical mage class that blows shit up within five seconds. They are the most responsible for causing retarded drama involving stealing monsters from other players.
- The Ruins of Kunark
The iksar are introduced here, and more colors are added. It's considered the greatest MMORPG expansion of all time, because Firiona Vie is being molested by an iksar on the cover.
- The Scars of Velious
Players travel to Antarctica to fight dragons. Nothing special.
- The Shadows of Luclin
- The Planes of Power
- The Legacy of Ykesha
For us, this expansion is awesome because the frogloks make their debut. It also became the first EQ expansion ever to be purchased online - that way, basement dwellers didn't have to leave their respective homes.
- Lost Dungeons of Norrath
Gameplay in this expansion includes gathering five other fucktards and slaughtering shit in dungeons. It was either liked or hated. EverQuest II basically repeats this in their drug-ridden "The Shadow Odyssey" expansion.
- Gates of Discord
- Omens of War
Was delayed after the screw-up of the previous expansion. It introduced voice macros that people use to troll with.
- Dragons of Norrath
Basically LDON: the sequel, except it adds to previous expansions. More shit nobody cares about.
- Depths of Darkhollow
- Prophecy of Ro
Along with the typical new zones, player-made traps are included.
- The Serpent's Spine
The Drakkin and more solo options added.
- The Buried Sea
- Secrets of Faydwer
Steampunk dragons! FUCK YEAH!
- Seeds of Destruction
Hire slaves in order to do shit for you!
- The Underfoot
- House of Thule
Lovecraft-themed expansion with a fuck-ton of raids, released in late 2010.
While there's a massive amount of drama and lulz surrounding this MMORPG, a few examples will be provided here for now.
One of the biggest dramatic events involved the suicide of a player, Shawn Woolley. He killed himself on Thanksgiving of 2001 while the game was still running. Shawn's mother broke down his apartment door with a crowbar and found him dead with the game on the computer. (Click for moar...)
A disturbing fanfiction was created in 2000, about an underage Dark Elf slave named Mystere, who gets brutally raped by her iksar master, Xyth, who goes so far as to cut her labia to provide more lubrication - and Mystere poisons him by scratching his back with poison-painted fingernails during orgasm. The author was banned, but was soon let back into the game with another account, and had his/her money refunded. People took sides: support the rapefic author or support the company that doesn't like their fandom being turned into disturbing shit? People cried "Censorship!" or just lol'd at the whole situation. It made it on Wikipedia, PvP did a webcomic story arc on it, and Smedley mentioned it six years later. (You know you want to read this...)
Baby Firiona Vie
Two EverQuest players met IRL, got married, and had a baby in 2005. They named her after EverQuest's mascot (the blonde high elf slut,) Firiona Vie. Lulz exploded in the MMORPG community. While the name wasn't nearly as bad as Sephiroth or Optimus Prime, it's still lulzy that the name came from a video game.
SOE decided to troll their fans and make Station Cash, a type of virtual currency that can be bought with IRL money. Many threatened to leave EQ forever, but most didn't and stayed in the game, bitching about how Jewish SOE was. Apparently SOE's CEO, John Smedley, thought real-money-transactions meant buying and selling virtual crap between other players. Either way, whether you like him or not, he trolled EQ (and EQ2) so bad that the butthurt turned out to be the equivalent of 1man1jar.
Since they are part of an obvious cult, EverQuest players take any criticism of their favorite game seriously and will resort to biting your throat and drinking all your blood. If you have the proper protection, trolling EverQuest fans can be a rewarding experience. Here's just a few great ways to piss them off:
- Mention anything about World of Warcraft - the subscriber numbers, the features, anything. Even EverQuest II players are less batshit when WoW is brought up in a conversation.
- Say that if you met John Smedley IRL, you'd high five him.
- Tell them that EverQuest II is better. Many EQ1 players consider EQ2 canon rape because the developers decided to make another MMORPG based off of it. This can also be done by replacing EQ2 with Champions of Norrath, a single-player game based off of the EQ series, but this is nowhere as effective.
- Play as an Erudite and talk in ebonics.
- Play as a Vah Shir or Iksar and ask people to yiff; this works best as a Vah Shir however, since most furries prefer creatures that actually have fur.
- Tell them how awesome Station Cash is.
- Say that Merloc is the best developer when it comes to creating items. (Merloc uses a dartboard when coming up with ideas for said items.)
- Hop around as a froglok and spout off retarded memes. You will get told to go back to 4chan.
- As a druid, abuse the portals and try to lag people out of the game. Bonus points if you crash the entire zone.
- Ask to raid Kerafyrm the Sleeper. This dragon has been dead for years, and after it was killed, no uber lewt was dropped. Square-Enix repeated this in their own MMO.
An emulated project designed to replicate EverQuest to it's original 1999 standard, in other words a gigantic hub for the unemployed to be total basement dwelling fags all over again. The project is run by Rogean, a 21 year old virgin who collects AdSense money in order to finance his plethora of shit cars and Vegas trips. The server hosts it's own forums found here: - P99 forums which attracts a large number of trolls, manchild, attention whores and pedophiles who all like to pretend they are 13 year old boys.
Large amounts of rage are to be found on the forums as the whole collective group of virgins are cock sucking retards that like to spend their leisure time arguing about who hit what dragon first and white knighting for the small group of E-pussy that likes to prostitot for l337 items, even with the absence of posting tits it's still fucking fail. It could be summed up that this project is one gigantic fail boat of bad coding, unwarranted self-importance and forced meme usually in the form of spamming "u mad" in every topic.
The best ways to rape the inhabitants of the EMU is by actually playing the damn game, just by simply logging you're bound to be spammed relentlessly with incoherent nerd rage and petitions, banned immediately, and have your dox dropped on the forums for ruining some aspies play time cause you stole their phat lewt, or simply join a raiding guild and cry about people being a gigantic fucking pussy.
P99 players you SHOULD know
- Rogean - Virginfag that manages the sever, routinely power trips and bans everything and anything that is actually lulzy.
- Nilbog - Project manager does mostly coding and one could say doesn't give a fuck.
- Uthgaard - Basement dweller That NEVER logs off, spends most of his time looking for reasons to ban you.
- Cyrius - German who loves to power trip, talks shit about other staff via IRC then goes into denial.
- Aasimon - Forum moderator that likes to delete fucking everything you ever wrote about anything.
Staff members are constantly in one epically long war with several trolls, some say it will go on til the second coming of Christ.
- Raren - Continuously shovels xanax down his throat and posts threads trying to incite guild drama, generally unfunny but highly obnoxious.
- Zyvixious - Raren's Mexican cousin that fails at the English language, simply rolls his face across the keyboard to generate insults.
- Abacab - Has been banned over 9000 times since last week for being a fucking nigger.
- Tralina - an empowered female who spends her days jiggling her E-tits for loot and flying out to fuck bears.
- Hasbinbad - HasbinFAG is a user who has accrued thousands of pretentious posts and not a single one actually funny.
- Barkingturtle - Internet tough guy who claims to have a HEUG PENIS claims to have a hot wife who he met on a gaming message board.
- Ralph - A fucking Jew who made $3,000 after 10 months of killing goblins, by playing only an hour a day.
- Loke - Dashingly attractive monk whose good looks are surpassed only by his charm. Men want to be him, women want to be with him.
- Nalkin - Like the 44th best mage on the server or some shit like that, takes people on boat rides and is primarily seen with his tranny sidekick Kimmie
- Yiblaan - Some fucking Jew who has a penchant for fun, has made several successful guilds.
- Akyra - Some vegan E-slut that pumps the dicks of several hot gamers for items
Everyone else can be assumed non-important because they actually have lives.
YouTube Videos of EverQuest
- Sony Online Entertainment
- Cash Items
- Shawn Woolley
- no life
- Pink Poodle
- Fansy the Famous Bard
- Official website.
- Official forums. Expect one minor change to bring about 100 pages of threads.
- EQPlayers, official site used for finding tl;dr info about every player's leet stats.
- Allakhazam site. Expect a lot of drama over the correct +str stat of the Amulet of Exploding.
- 10 years? OH LAWD!
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|Featured article April 5, 2009|