|FACT ALERT: |
This game has a ton of loading screens and green midgets.
—a fan of the game
To the delight of basement-dwelling weaboo fags everywhere, another shit PS3 game from Japan comes into their greedy, Dorito and chocolate-stained hands. It wasn't that hyped, but the few that bothered to buy it were taken into a magical world of monsters and other such WTFery. One of those games celebrated for having a deep story line full of mystery and intrigue. Let's take a look.
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- Ellen: one of two main characters. She gets raped several hundred times throughout the game.
- Keats: one of the two main characters. He rapes Ellen many times, and can transform into some white-and-blue version of the Hulk.
- Scarecrow: sex fiend created by Ellen to satisfy her lust.
- Belgae: invisible man who likes books and cock.
- Suzette: kills people for the lulz.
No one cares about the other characters.
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- Ellen: some blonde with your typical Japanese animu face. Is 22 years old, but as it's a Japanese game, she looks closer to their legal sexin' age so the designers all had something to fap to while weeping over their small penises and lack of lives. If that's not enough, you see some cutscenes of her when she was actually young, most of which she's locked in a cave under some Henge, crying and scared. She has no parents, has over 9000 costumes in the game, and has a tight little arse that gamers fantasize about while they dirty their tube socks. If Ellen's not bitching about finding her mother, she's busy taking it up the ass from Keats in the Faery Realm. A deer head on a wall hits on her in the game. Srsly.
- Keats: a reporter who doesn't really exist, but you don't find this out until the end of the game, and it makes for a shitastic ending. He's actually Herve, the kid who took Ellen's virginity when they were kids, then gave up his life to save her when she went all emo and almost bled to death. He was dying from a fatal STD anyways, so he figured he'd rather die than have to pay a lawlsuit. Herve was obsessed with some Sci-Fi nerd magazine called The Unknown Realm, so he grew up in the Netherworld to look like a pic Ellen drew of him to work for a magazine that went out of print years ago. Keats has a purple trench coat which he uses to conceal himself, then flash little girls like the barman's youngest daughter, wears very tight pants, and constantly looks like he belongs at a grunge concert. Ellen's guardian but never actually protects her.
- Suzette: an angst-ridden bitch. Her life was ruined because her family members all died and went batshit insane, and she blames Ellen for it. She likes to kill people.
- Scarecrow: an extremely queer Half Life who looks like... a scarecrow. Imaginative. Was created from Ellen's desire to spread the joys of getting laid unto the real world's people, and so at the end of the game he goes DBZ, morphs into a giant piece of shit with beaks and wings, and attempts to rape the entire world. Fails utterly when Keats bitchslaps him and Ellen beats the living shit out of him with her
- Livane: an old lady who looks young, but has been isolated for so long that her ass and cunt have fused together and formed a bony growth over them, much like an over-aged female turkey. She used to be a Messenger like Ellen, but she learned that the Faerys were in charge of a tree that was making it so people weren't afraid to die, which let them fight wars and kill each other for no reason. Livane decided to kill the Faery's lulz and stab the tree with her giant pointed dildo, making people afraid to die. She continues to lead a resistance against the Faery King. She told young Ellen that if she cut herself, she could save Herve from his STD, thus causing Herve's death and almost causing Ellen's. Many lulz were had.
- Belgae: an invisible bookfag who guides Keats and works as Livane's sex slave. That said, he's had nothing to surprise rape with his invisibility for some time, and so became a homosexual. Is a Half Life, but used to be Livane's Guardian, like Keats is for Ellen. He and Livane tell Keats what to do and where to go in the game.
- Faery King: an oldfag who rules the Faerys. He tried and failed to get Livane's ass into his bed, and so he looks for a new Messenger ass slave to do his bidding. Tells Ellen that she'll find her mom in the Netherworld if she keeps running around defeating monsters and giving him blowjobs. She never actually does find her there, though.
- NPCs Nobody Cares About: In Doolin, there's a bunch of people that no one really pays attention to. The hag, whose name we never learn, but is Ellen's mother and is ALIVE. And old couple, the Lesters. Mr. Lester is a doctor who tried to cure Herve, but realized that fucking him up the ass and contracting the virus himself wasn't helping. He experienced troll's remorse, but Suzette pwnt him, but his wife survived. The Lighthouse keeper, Ryan, who was pwnt by the hag. A washed up, bitter actress in a wheelchair named Harriet who always wears black; she gets killed by Suzette. She originally sent Ryan to get pwnt for the lulz. O'Connell, who went insane when he lost his girlfriend, Ingrid. He hypnotises Ellen later to make her give him a rimjob while he tapes it.
Herve is Suzette's brother. He dies before she's born. Heraldo is Suzatte's father. The hag kills him before she's born. Regine is Suzette's mother. She goes fucking nuts, beats Suzette every day just for existing like any good parent, and sends a letter to Ellen to lure her to Doolin to kill her. The hag kills her before the game starts. There's also the Pub owner, who has a daughter named Fiona and a loli named Charlotte who can see Half Lives. They have nothing to do with the story.
- Half Lives Nobody Cares About: Every night, a bunch of half-alive freaks break into the local pub, turn on all the lights, and party. Of course everyone is too stupid to notice anything. There's a skeleton named Charlie with a sax he can't play because he doesn't have lungs, some eyeless pig thing with horns named Jimmy Squarefoot who has a hardon for a banshee named Frizzie. There's also Damona, who has a pet hedgehog, and some rat in a coat. They all just sit around drinking unless they want you to do something for them. In which case you talk to the giant pipe-smoking hairy penis behind the bar named Ganconer.
Summary: You play as Ellen and Keats, but all the characters suck.
Story & Gameplay
Ellen goes to Doolin looking for her dead mother because she got a letter from her, but is too female and blonde to realize that dead people can't send letters. Keats gets a phone call from some bitch in Doolin who says Faerys are going to kill her. He thinks it'll make a lulzy story, so he goes, too. They meet on a cliff where a lady falls from the cliff. Ellen passes out, then vividly hallucinates about a voice telling her to go to the pub. If the voices in your head are telling you to go out at 3am to get hammered, you naturally listen to them. She meets a talking scarecrow who tells her to go underground with him.
Meanwhile, Keats is sitting in the hole he was given to sleep in, smoking something really good. He hears a voice telling him to go to the pub. He wanders dazedly to the pub, meets an invisible fag, and goes underground, too. Ellen screws a dead body and absorbs something that becomes some new clothes; the Cloak of Sidhe, that allows her to suck the souls from men and animals the way loli and shota sucks the souls of millions of basement-dwellers worldwide. Keats, who is watching from a distance, thinks this is hawt and starts fapping furiously until he releases some special white energy that makes him all powerful. Belgae just says, "ur her guardian, lolz".
- Giving it and taking it in the ass.
- Raping Ellen at least 100 times.
- Flashing lolis and small people.
From here, it's just a load of more bullshit. Ellen meets the Faery King, and Keats meets Livane. They both tell you to go and kill this big ass monster called a Folklore to find out some shit from some bugs, but they only want you to do it so they can make it back to the tree with Livane's barbed dildo stuck in it. You go around beating the shit out of things from a bad Final Fantasy fanfiction (Folks), sucking out their souls and forcing them to fight for you. The game says they used to be human souls, making the game extremely furry.
—Shiva Stella from GameBump, wanking about the shit gameplay and loading times.
WARNING: contains Japanese music.
After you complete a chapter with one character, they give you the option of running through the exact same chapter with the other one, but from a slightly different perspective. Ellen and Keats get different Pokemon to use with different abilities, ranging from BDSM and chloroform to beatings and rape. If you'd rather not alternate between the two, forcing them to perform fellatio on each other, you can just play as one until near the end of the game. Then you have to complete the other character's story up to the same point. Most sane people would become an hero for playing this, or just smash the system before this point, but no one owns a PS3.
The weaboo faggotry in action. Proceed to gouge your eyes out.
- Mary Sue
- 16-year-old girls
- The World Ends With You
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