Free Realms

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Chatdy the flying squirrel, Pedobear's newest comrade and one of the most annoying mascots ever.

Free Realms is a MMORPG for children on the PC and eventually the PS Triple. It was created when John Smedley took a fuckton of LSD after playing loads of WoW, EQ2, Mario Kart, Animal Crossing, and Cooking Mama. The story consists simply of: "be a hipster that beats the shit out of seagulls and drives cars into things." Notably, this game looks like Nintendo made it, but no, SOE did.



The gameplay of Free Realms is ultra-casual and obviously targeted at 12 year old girls. Everything is colorful and almost patronizing (for example, if you do not quickly find three blocks to match in the Bejeweled-style games, it does it for you.) The game also downloads things over time, like Guild Wars does, and is almost completely instanced (meaning you fight monsters and do other fun, useful activities away from people in the overworld area.)

The instances are also minigames. Be it fighting frogs, racing karts and crashing them, harvesting weird fruits to cook with, you can choose to be alone in a world of sugar-hyped kiddies.

SOE also encourages socializing, which usually means talking about Webkinz.


There are currently only two playable races (something Free Realms does not share with EQ2.): humans, which are metrosexual-looking preteens, and pixies, fairies with huge bobble-heads.


Mario Kart clone.

Free Realms has a system where you can change your job at any time. It's kind of similar to Final Fantasy XI, except the jobs are completely out of place. You'd expect combat classes like an MMORPG, and to an extent, crafters, but out of fucking nowhere, you can pick a class that can smash cars into other cars. These are all playable up until level 5 and Jew.

  • Adventurer - This class is the default class. It only levels up by collecting floating tokens, bubbles, flowers, and other household items. It can also dress up like a metrosexual.
  • Brawler - The typical fighter class. They wield huge hammers and throw rocks at shit. When playing this class, you button-mash as much as possible.
  • Card Duelist - Play card games with virtual cards or cards bought IRL ingame. The whole thing has been done already in EQ2.
  • Go Kart Driver - Mario Kart with the same controls as the demolition derby class.
  • Medic - You can either heal people or hack the shit out of things with a bonesaw. Sound familiar?
  • Miner - Basically the chef class except everything's replaced with rocks.
  • Ninja - This class is supposed to be based on stealth. From that it can be deduced that most Free Realms characters are completely colorblind to the colors represented in the pastel clothing of the ninjas.
  • Soccer Star - A semi free-to-play class. Play soccer to annoying-as-fuck music!
  • Pet Trainer - While this class is free to play as, the pets that are trained aren't. Dogs and cats with their own personalities cost two USD. The gameplay is just like Nintendogs, further adding to the idea that this game is a giant "NO U" from Sony to Nintendo.

It's Over One Million!

Hate to pull out that old meme, but Free Realms got over one million players within a month. In fact, this was actually record-breaking. This news alone caused pains in the rear-ends of people who insist MMORPGs should be "hardcore" and WoW players. SOE came and made parties on May 15, 2009.

To give you an idea of how faggy these parties were, we have provided some pictures below.

Holy Balls! TWO Million?!

Two weeks after the May 15 parties, FR hit two million players. WoWfags sat in a corner to raid Ulduar for the 100th time and to listen to Linkin Park, unaware that FR and WoW are two totally different types of MMOs. Right after FR hit two million, SOE marked The Matrix Online to be shut down in late July of 2009 - but who cares?

I'm not sure how Smedly thinks that Free Realms "resonates with MMO gamers" There is nothing here to hold a mature gamer's attention for more than an hour or two total.


—Lethality, Massively user and obvious fucking WoWfag who takes MMORPGs srsly;

THREE Million?

On June 12, the game reached three million players. Smed must be flexing his trollface at the userbases of by now. It continues to grow.

The Dares

Grade-A user fap material

The theme song "It's Your World" was done by The Dares, a California-based pop-rock band. They probably smoke a fuckton of pot, as one could assume by watching the video just below this text. You can listen to the theme song here, but you'll probably gouge your eardrums out twenty seconds into the song.

E3 Concert

On June 2, The Dares held a concert at E3 while it was broadcasted ingame in Free Realms. This somehow got them an award for being the first ever to perform a live and ingame event at the same time. Snowhill (a place in the game where the concert was held) was swamped with Twilight fans, kids complaining that they weren't the Jonas Brothers, people spamming "&%^&%^%^&^%^&&^%^&%&^^&^^ LOLLLLLLLLLLL", and faggots from E3 itself.

Look at them stoned fuckers.

Station Terms of Service

Trolls ahoy!
Aww fuck, you're in trouble now

Since children are playing this game, SOE has rights to look into your system as you play it. This makes trolling in the game hard, but not impossible. This complete bullshit though due to that fact that most games have children playing on them.


Please note that some games available on or through The Station may, when in operation, monitor your computer's random access memory, MAC address, and system and configuration files, crash data, etc. for the purpose of monitoring and improving quality and service and also for the purpose of identifying unauthorized third party programs running concurrently with your game which, in SOE's sole determination: (i) enable or facilitate cheating of any type; (ii) allow users to modify or hack the applicable game interface, environment, and/or experience in any way not expressly authorized by SOE; or (iii) intercept, "mine" or otherwise collect information from or through the applicable game (an "Unauthorized Third Party Program"). In the event that a game detects an Unauthorized Third Party Program, (a) the game may communicate information back to SOE, including without limitation your Station Account username, details about the Unauthorized Third Party Program detected and the activities or functions performed thereby, and/or details about your computer, and/or (b) SOE may exercise any or all of its rights and remedies under this Agreement or the applicable game end user license agreement without prior notice to the user linked to such Unauthorized Third Party Program.


—Data Miners...



Really? You're on ED and you don't know how to troll twelve year-olds? What the fuck is wrong with you?


Realms Roll'd... seriously.



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Featured article March 21, 2010
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