Gears of War

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
What I Expected...
What I got.
Typical gameplay
You wish you had this kind of gameplay on your Wii.
A typical scene in Gears of War.
The games transition from lifeless, deterrent gray, to some shittier shade of brown.
No matter how gay this comic is, it still properly describes how Gears Of War looks.
Gears caters for every ethnic group accurately.

Gears Of Whore is a game based off the popular webseries Queers Of War. Following a similar storyline, the story features two gay lovers on their quest to kill a bunch of overgrown worms, save the world, and spend their days together in love. The game found notoriety when it was the first game for the Xbox 360 that anyone liked EVAR. It was dubbed a success when every Halo fanboy bought it, causing the creators to rofl at how much everyone cared about their shitty overrated game.

Development Team Epic Fail Games

Doctor Mike black person El Presidento ala Failgames inc.

Dr. black person on the Associated Press:



Clifford Foamy Buttsecks - Lead Fail Designer over at Epic Games:

We made this game for the EPIC lulz!!!


Rod Furryson- Another Lead Fail Designer FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU.

Chadwardenn - Community Organizer AKA Deal Dough.

Vince - Lead Pimp @ Epic Studios brings all the Hookers with his NUTS!!! Built all of the gay shit in Queers of Whore 2, Thanks faggot!

????- Makes all of the gay shit in Queers of Whore 2 including the Dom and Marcus Hot Coffee mod which made the permavirgins upset.

I did it for the anti-lulz!


I c what u did there

Joe - Hardcore Programmer for the hardcore fans, he's responsible for WTC!!


Gears of War has been praised for its graphics and they're supposedly the latest definition of next-gen. But all they really did was use two colors, shit and gray shit, kind of cheating when you barely use the palette, right?

MOAR Realistic Fire Effects! MOAR boarder jumping Locusts!! invading yo place stealin all of yo Shit!!

"One Day I can imagine playing Gears of War 2, jizzing in my pants when I see that first headshot! Fuck yeaa!" - Alehondro Rodriguez.

No Permavirgin Fuck YOU!

With the New Unreal Engine 3 game developers are allowed to make bett3r Gaphix and more shit to get hyphy over!

Epic Games created a beautiful game with great graphix and lots of fun!


Marcus Phoenix - Your main character is Marcus. A big angry American fucking hero with bulging tumor like muscles who must scream like a rabid beast at everyone. Pretty much a Leonidas rip off. Marcus spent so much time getting butthurt in jail, that he now kills and conquers anything that is different from him. So basically we (people who matter) can relate to this glorious white supremacist.

Dominic Santiago - Same shit except useless because he's a spic and usually runs to the nearest locust bitch and impregnates her. This is to further spread his horrible brown plague to another species hoping it will create a lazier race that will end the war and probably lower their property value. In the second game Dom turns from Quiet riot, into crybaby little bitch, due to his Bitch wife getting captured by the locust forces, Dom looks alot like Wolverine

Augustus "Cole Train" Cole - He is the epitome of the American ape in its natural habitat. Jumping around, being cocky, and raping and killing the beautiful white monsters. Clearly he is a role model for all young black men to follow and look up to. Cole is known for being an unstoppable one man army, despite his A.I being worse than the average xboxlive gamer.

Damon Baird - Whiney, annoying, uptight, little grease 'n pimple faced shitbag, who also doubles as the team's Engineer and sex-slave. Baird is basically just Anon, in the future, carrying a chainsaw rifle, and without being a fat fucking basement dweller. In the second game: absolutely nothing has changed.

Dizzy Wailin - Texan repair man / driver. Dizzy is a COG slave forced to crew their tanks and reel in the cash, Dizzy has a cowboy hat and an old '70s pistol, despite this game being set over 9000 years into the future, he basically looks like that toothless old tramp you see busking outside your local MacD's every friday night.

Tai Calisto - A Fat, white, retarded version of Mr. fuck face covered with fake tribal tattoos. Tai believes himself to have some vague form of magic other-worldly powers that prevent him from death. But that theory was soon put to rest upon his unexpected self-pwn upon the Locust slave-ship.

Benjamin / Anthony Carmine - Take the whitest, most nerdy motherfucker you know, and double his geek levels. No wait, fucking triple them. Upon doing so, said person will only be a fraction of the faggot that Carmine has always been. In each game they release, a new member of the Carmine family joins the Delta squad, and likewise, he promptly gets himself fucking sniped, or eaten, or burned to death, or whatever tom and jerry bullshit the dev's can come up with. However, it's a known fact that everyone loves the Carmine family, because their deaths make you emo.

Victor Hoffman - Generic all American hero, and leader of the COG's military forces. He looks a lot like Major chip hazard, from "Toy soldiers", He is also a closet homo. But then again: so is everyone in the army.


The correct use of the grenade in this game

The weapons in this game really do bring the game to life, as nearly every weapon can kill someone in one shot. The creators probably made it this way so teams would have to work together on Xbox Live, but since everyone on Xbox live is a 13-year-old racist, no one does and simply uses the shotgun. This makes killing said 13-year-old racists with other guns all the lulzier. The only weapons not to follow the said trend are the rifles that both the teams get which do pretty much no damage at all and take over 9.000 shots to kill anyone!

Another notable feature is that your main gun has a chainsaw on the end of it. It's ZOMG awesome of the most epic kind, even though it's useless and only n00bs who don't know how to play get caught in it.

If you're so noble as to play "fair", then according to everyone that plays Gears of War, you can only use the smoke grenade and nothing else. Otherwise, you're cheating if you headshot someone across the map when they obviously shot you with their shotgun.

Some notable gears weaponry being:

The Lancer - The COGS infantry rifle. The only unique and creative weapon in the game. and even then: it's just a rifle and a chainsaw, ripped straight out of Evil dead. In the first game, the instant killing chainsaw attack was the cause of much online butthurt, despite it being extremely easy to counter / dodge, and leaves the user completely defenceless. In the most recent game, two players wielding this weapon can engage in "Chainsaw Duels" where you must MASH THE FUCKING B BUTTON AS HARD AND FAST AS YOU CAN, FGT only to end up losing the duel anyway, and bitching over the mic about it.

The Hammerburst - The Locust's basic footsoldier's gun. In the Original, this weapon fired concentrated bursts of locust bullets, forcing players to use some vague levels of aiming and skill to actually kill anything with it. in the right hands this weapon was deadly. but of course, the crybaby little faggots on Xbox live didn't like this, so the gun was remade into a simple spray and pray machine gun that even the most retarded of children can use effectively, as seen in: every shooter game ever. The only problem being: it's very slow, and has almost no ammo clip. fucking newfags

The Hammer of dawn - The COG strike and destroy weapon. Upon aiming the barely visible crosshair at your distant target, with the button held firmy down, the Gears can call upon a mighty space lazer to blast their foes into little chunks of white shit, also, for whatever reason this gun is the only weapon in the game that requires THREE melee hits to down another player. as if Anybody would attempt to melee with the second longest range weapon in the game.

Frag / Ink / Smoke Grenade - The most fun you'll have in the entire game. This is the developers way of subtly trolling the retarded children that play this game online. You wave it in a circle like you're jerking your tiny cock.

The Frag grenade is the generic blast bomb, ignore it. its boring. The Ink Grenade explodes on the spot it lands, covering the area with a thick cloud of oil and shit, anyone caught inside will choke and die. many players argue that the Ink is the least useful of the three due to the fact that one has to simply move out of the cloud. The Smoke grenade causes anyone caught in the blast to be send flying backwards over 9000 feet. lots of lulz can be found in doing this. UPDATED! Last Thursday the Gears of War multiplayer made it so that when the Somke grenade goes off, you cover your head and stand there frozen with your ass turned toward the sky waiting to be buttfucked by God or whoever shoves a shotgun up your asshole first.

More importantly, ALL of these can be "tagged" to a player by meleeing them with the grenade equiped, after three seconds the 'nade detonates, and it's effects are passed on to anyone within range of the tagged noob, as you can guess, much butthurt can be created.

Torque bow - This gun take as much skill to master as it does to learn to walk. SUPAR GRATE FEATURES INCLUDE: 3 second charge up. Instant kill if you hit anyone anywhere, and if your a massive faggot, you can bounce the arrow off of a wall and hit someone.

Everything else - Everything else in gears is The Expected, boring, generic gay weapons, such as The Sniper, The rocket launcher, the THREE types of pistol, the shotgun, the other shotgun, the mortar, the machine gun, and the penis.

  • It should be noted that people actually make a shitload of montages using the sniper and get "famous" off of it. It is believed that o Like Butter o 's ePenis surpasses even Longcat in length.


One day Marcus was in jail. and Dom was all liek, Marcus, this blows ass. ur free now. and Marcus was like, Dom lets kill the locusts because guns. and Dom was like yeab Marcus that ruls. here take lucost gun.

and then they ascaped.

then, a bridge fell down, and they ran to ROFLcopter and escaped before a spider could ate htem.

then, Marcus meta hot chicks named Anya. and she sexed him in the ROFLcoptr. they landed and it was owkwurd becuase kernel Hoffman was there and he was her father and he was all liek, Marcus, you give me 90$ fenis. and find the resonator. it knows the locust and we can lightbomb them with white stuff. and Marcus was like, no Hoffman i give you 110 dollars but i'm not doing this you.l

then, the next day, they found a col tran and Kim died because dodge ram sworded him through the chest. Marcus cried a manly tear. carmine also died somhow through the face hole. butmauybe he wasent actually dead.........

then they went around lookin for the resonatr but cuoldn't find it because they it becam dark. os the bats came out and started trying to chop them. they excaped to the new car and drove it to the undterground tunnels to actavate the resanator. then they kills som thern gards and escapd. but it didn't work somehow. but markus new that there was maps with his dads stuff.

they all went to marcuses dads home and found some sweet data computers about the tunnels. so they went back to hte train and put the computer on the bomb. but htejnn dodge rammm appeard and said FOR THE QUEEN and markus was like, fuck, this is a hard bitch of boss. and Dom was liek, no use the torkque bowq. and then it almost asploded but they jumped to a helicopter, and Hoffman was liek , Marcus, i like you. you can come to myhouse and fuck my daughter.

and he did.



The online experience is automatically better than single player, since single player is mediocre. Don't let this fool you though, since multiplayer is still gayer than the YMCA.

Multiplayer requires a team of Gears and a team of Locust to go and kill each other in awesome maps that all look the same with the same kickass weapon for a few hours. It's not the epitome of playing games online on Xbox Live, and if you have it you are deemed a faggot.

Aside from this, it is also glitched to hell, and lacks any client side hit detection, forcing dumbasses everywhere to purposely miss to account for lag and actually hit somebody. The host of a match will get "host shotgun", which means his shotgun will fire 0.00000000001 seconds faster than your shotgun. This will lead every player on the opposing team to bitch and moan about this minor advantage until the game ends or they manage to get a kill. Most people agree that if you are killed by another player wielding a shotgun, that person has host and is an utter fag. You can also run faster with another glitch, chainsaw yourself, rapid fire sniper rifle and even jump out of the game. Of course, about 99% of the players on Gears are either permavirgins, Mexicans, black person, or just plain fail, if you haven't figured it out already.

Any player who has an IQ of 90 knows to run for the power weapons at the beginning of the round, but this means you have to dash there before anyone else wise enough to want them, gets there. This requires you memorizing the map and practicing countless times until you can sprint to a weapon faster than Speedycat. However, if you're a newfag to a map you are utterly destined to be a shotgun wielding cannon fodder who is ignored by the rest of the team. This is another reason to NEVAR EVAR play ranked matches, because some fags are half-retarded, which means they'll run and grab the power weapons and then they don't know how to use them.

An important feature of Gears of War is its cover system where your character can take cover from enemy fire. In single player, your fag is so loaded with armor that he can't bend over (except during buttsecks), making the cover system total fail. In multiplayer, it is more useless than Terri Schiavo because everybody just charges your ass if you even attempt to use it.

Online play isn't completely crap though. You can achieve some good lulz out of killing people with the pistol/sniper rifle/boomshot/Pork-Bow/smoke grenade/any weapon that requires skill(NO SHOTGUN), raping a Locust or Gear when they are downed, killing two cops, chainsawing every motherfucker in the game (therefore getting called a noob because the fag was too much of a retard to avoid it), and generally being better than everyone else.

This Is What You Fight Level After Level...

Gears of War 2


Did you guys hear??? BAIRD IS MUTHAFUCKEN DEAD!!!!!!!!!!



Following in Gaylo's footsteps, the people a EPIC Studios have announced that Gears will be getting a sequal, but to fags everyweres astonishment there would not be a 3rd for at least 9000 years. The new game brings in moar ghey features, like the ability to bumrape an enemy while using him as a shield, and also brings back the azn that died in the last game, even though everyone knows he killed himself after going on a rampage and killing 32 locusts.

Despite promises that there would be dedicated servers and no more hosting, Cliffy B did a 180 and shit all over the fanbase, bringing back the horrible hosting system, no dedicated servers, no client side, and no host migration; just like the last game!!!

Clifford Fucking Blizzinski game design over at Epic Fail Games Inc. thought it would be awesome to introduce 2 new players to the multiplayer which in the end created shitloads of lag.

Horde mode gave the game a whole new way to play with your IRL friends killing Locusts.

Gears of War 3

Thats right, another game. Once again the COG forces fucked up and now Marcus and Mexican have to fix it again. Oh, and you can play as women now since all the kitchens were sunk when they blew up the only safe place on the shitstain of a planet. New enemy called the lambent, which are like the locust on crack crossed with the messed up shit the T-Virus created in Resident evil crossed with tentacle rape. New weapons like the black person Launcher, Double Barrel Shotgun( very futuristic) and the One Shot. For making players butthurt, make sure you mention Dom's death. Really, they think that he is their best friend or some shit.

Gameplay of Gears of War 3

Holy Shit!!! Women and Guns!! And Tenticle Rape!!



—Typical 13-year-old boy: who will never have any of that IRL.

Ending of Gears 3


Players often exploited the game online finding new ways to fuck the game with glitches which led to an uprising of angry IRL 13-year-old boys.

The new multiplayer brought a new and improved matchmaking system but was slowly gaining a popularity to typical Gears of War players because whoever had the highest rank got IRL Buttsexz. The fun really begins when you wait five hours to find a goddamn fucking match. And if you have a retarded router that can't do DMZ to save its life, then you're utterly screwed as the matchmaking can't accept anyone with a Moderate NAT type.

You also notice that, despite over 9000 patches, the game is still fucking broken.

Quote taken from a thread in the Epic forums, " Fuck you Epic Fuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you Epic." - Clifford Blizzinski LOL WUT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reviews of the final product in Early November granted Glitches of War 9 E-penises outa 10.


The average multiplayer game consists of these players:

Your Team: You, Dumbass, Dumbass, A pretty cool guy, AFK faggot (Who, if you're lucky, will be replaced with a shitty AI.)

Other Team: Chainsaw faggot, Sawed off shotgun faggot, 2pee-cen slut, Boomshot whore, Torque Bow dick.

  • 9/10 times the other team will be comprised of loud black person.
  • The other 1/10 times FOREIGNERS
  • 100% percent of the time you will get placed with 10 year old Nigerian people with internet run off hamsters on wheels.

Occasionally one of the many thirteen year old boys will overcome his white guilt and mic in to speak with the niggers. This is yet another example of someone doing something in a video game that could nevar happen IRL.


"You can't win here playing GOW"


Archive today-ico.png Sauce

Apparently, some broad who wrote Star Wars books or some shit is now being asked to write a tie-in to the Gears of War games, titled Gears of War: Aspho Fields, the first book of three, set to hit shelves late October 2008. Of course, being a woman she's guaranteed to mess it up, since everyone knows that chicks don't know shit about video games.

UPDATE: So the book gives you all the backstory that the game didn't, but that's gay because nobody plays video games for the story anymore; They just want ass-raping, face-fucking, up-in-your-grill violence with lots of gut-splattering and explosions and huge tits, where you play a big muscular guy with veins the size of garden hoses screaming at another Hulk look-alike while bullets zip by your head and the guy next to you gets blown into meaty chunks by a mortar, spraying your character with bolognese sauce.

The book is full of AWESOME ACTION SCENES and lots of BAWWWWWWWing about Dom's brother getting blown up or something. Baird gets punched in the face by an old woman. The book also perpetuates the fact that Mexicans breed like rabbits on ecstasy, mentioning several times that Dom has like eight kids by the time he's 20.

Until then -

Because the stories aren't gay enough someone combined twilight with Gears. Warning; your eyes will bleed. after reading

To wrap it up

Gears A' War

See Also

External Links

Portal games.png

Gears of War is part of a series on


Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.