You, the discerning and tuned-in ED reader would never, under any circumstances, offer up your treasured computer for molestation at the hands of Geek Squad, the in-house service and 'repair' center of retailer Best Buy. Chances are, you probably don't even know why exactly. Maybe their goofy ads and corporate persona just irritated you with their fucktarded square = hip aesthetic and stupid cosplay-esque uniforms. Perhaps you've heard that they wipe used computers to sell as 'new', or will wipe your computer and reinstall the OS to 'repair' it when pressed for time. Or, moar likely, you simply don't need to pay some kid $50+ an hour to perform mundane tasks like deleting pre-installed crap, installing fucking iTunes, doing backups, or other things that any random 13-year old boy with Assburglar's Syndrome could easily manage.
But the real reason you've never taken your computer there...? It's because deep down, if only subconsciously, you've always known the following fact: the Geek Squad are a bunch of mouth-breathing fap artists who only want to STEAL YOUR PR0N!
Greeks will be Geeks
—former Best Buy tech
To be fair, Geek Squad is hardly the only tech service engaging in Easter Egg hunts on computers they're supposed to be repairing; as one commenter put it " Most repair shops do the Compulsory Porn Scan. It's a requirement on my bench, and my sluts folder is over 2GB :)". In the wake of consumer advocate blog The Consumerist's recent Geek Squad exposes, anecdotes have trickled in from former techs of CompUSA, FireDog, and others. All attest to the unsurprising fact that anytime underpaid slackers are asked to perform boring work for idiots, you can expect them to look for some unofficial job perks. But as you're about to learn, Geek Squad's "Agents" seem to really suck at it and sometimes get caught in spectacularly amusing ways. This leads to cycles of negative media attention, confessions from former employees and moar lulz. So, as they say on the Geek Squad's "In-Store Tactical Analysis" form, "let's have a look-see"!
Working at Geek Squad requires that you be a total expert at computers. In addition to this, you must be either a furry, have no prior job experience, and be willing to work close to minimum wage because let's face it, you're not even worth that.
Geek Squad Agent William E. Giffels: My Funny Valentine
In late June 2005, Traverse City, Michigan resident Kaylee Hall, 20, brought her virus-ridden computer to her local Geek Squad for treatment. After service, she had to bring it back again, as it was still ailing. Several days later, when told that her computer was fucked and nothing could be done about it, she paid her bill and went on her way. It turns out that she got that money back, plus about $50,000 or so- by winning the lolsuit she filed in 2007.
Unbeknownst to her at the time, some pictures she thought she had deleted had caught the attention of a Geek Squad "Counter Intelligence Agent" named William E. Giffels, 42. The 27 pics in question were nudes of the 'tastefully-covered' variety, intended as a Valentine's Day gift for her boyfriend. According to published reports Giffels, upon discovering them, exclaimed "Oh Lawd, is dat sum 20 year old?!?!" and copied said pics to his thumb drive.
At this point in the narrative, things get a little fucked up. Though he claims in a deposition that he never looked at them again and thought he had deleted them, somehow (????), the pictures mysteriously migrated to a computer in the tech center, specifically its 'Tools CD' folder that Geek Squad techs use for computers without CD drives. CDs were, in turn, burned from this folder which propagated their illicit contents to other Geek Squad machines. From there, according to another employee deposition, the pictures wound up on other machines belonging to Geek Squad customers, some of whom complained. When Giffels discovered the magnitude of his fuckup months later, he tossed all the 'Tools' CDs out and deleted fucking everything, but it was too late. Management found out and he was stripped of his badge and fired.
Geek Squad's rapid response didn't extend to Kaylee Hall, however. No one from the store was in any particular hurry to alert her to the fact that by now half of Traverse City had probably seen her boobs and vagoo. She wouldn't learn of her probable ruination for another month or so (and even then, possibly only because she had an acquaintance who worked at Best Buy). She has filed a lolsuit against Best Buy/Geek Squad alleging Negligence, Intrusion upon Seclusion, Publication of Private Facts, and Emotional Distress. The case was settled for an undisclosed amount.
Geek Squad Agent Hao Kuo Chi: He So Horny
At least one Geek Squadder found amateur porn a bit mundane, preferring the raw thrill of making his own fap material. According to the Los Angeles Times in March of 2007, Geek Squad Agent Hao Kuo Chi (an Azn) made a house call to service the computer of one Natalie Fornaciari, 46. Shortly after beginning work, he asked to use the restroom and was directed to one shared by Fornaciari's daughters Sarah Vasquez, 22 and Kelly Rocha, 13. Shortly thereafter, Sarah took a shower in the same bathroom and upon finishing, noticed a unknown cellphone sitting on her bathroom sink with a BLINKING RED LIGHT on it. She went to tell her sister, but when she returned it was gone. The 13-year-old then found the phone IN HER BEDROOM. The girls removed the card and took it to a nearby Verizon store to view the contents, which were as suspected-
—Sarah Vasquez, apparently encountering human nature for the first time.
Sarah called their stepfather, who called the cops, who arrested Agent Chi at the jobsite on charges of suspicion of "using a camera to view a person without their consent" and "annoying or molesting a child under 18".
Despite the suspicious choice of notorious feminist shrew/lawyer Gloria Allred to represent them in the inevitable lolsuit, events seem to bear out the girl's version of the facts. Hao Kuo Chi pled no contest to one count of "unlawful invasion of privacy" and was sentenced to 3 days in county jail, 3 years probation, 42 days of community service on a tree farm (how California is that?), 1 year of 'sexual impulse classes' and the obligatory 'stay the fuck away from the victim, Pedobear' order.
Beauty and the Geeks: Pornstar Jasmine Grey
As we've learned previously, the more hot a Best Buy customer is, the moar likely it is that a Geek Squad employee will jam his flash drive into her computer to slurp all her delicious noodz. But when the hot chick in question turns out to be a porn star named Jasmine Grey, the fap factor goes off the charts and everybody in the god-damned "Precinct" gets involved.
Geek. Jackpot. Hmm, what's gonna happen next?
I really hope that Best Buy's corporate suits are taking notes: in their quest for moar porn, this store (Best Buy Store 285 in Akron, Ohio) actually talked a customer out of buying a new computer that she wanted to purchase!
Paying attention, suits? Free house calls for all hawt chix!
Sadly, this overly-trusting, hard-working porn star who devoted her life to making people happy was killed only a few days later in a car crash, along with two of her friends (Srsly). It's obvious to anyone who has seen a science-fiction film what transpired here: Geek Squad's horndog meddling in this girl's life altered her personal Space-Time Continuum. Had they simply sold her the fucking computer she wanted, she'd still be alive and showing her swell rack to anyone who wanted to see it, including them. But because they were too cheap and lazy to use Bearshare like everybody else, this national treasure is DEAD. There's blood on your hands, Geek Squad...J'accuse!
Epilogue: Internal Affairs
—Best Buy spokeswoman Paula Baldwin clearly doesn't understand tech's 'needs'
Reeling from the crapflood of negative press, Geek Squad has initiated 'Operation Lock the Barn Door'. It is half-assed at best and will fail.
The countermeasures currently underway include banning the use of personal thumb drives, interrogating the crap out of everyone and enacting a new "Open and Honest" policy (which is a fancy way of saying that they now expect low-paid techs, already humiliated by corporate policy, to rat one another out). Yeah, that'll happen.
Additionally, remote store audits are ongoing. Store managers have been ordered to connect all computers to "Agent Johnny Utah" (the fagtastically stupid 'code name' for Geek Squad's remote troubleshooting software, ordinarily used by their outsourced labor force in India) so that Headquarters can "have a look-see". Needless to say, tipsters report that managers are simply not connecting drives or computers containing substantial stashes, or only do so after giving the Geeks a heads-up first. Short of getting Chris Hansen and Perverted Justice involved to do some perv stings with porn-laden honeytrap computers, it's safe to assume that the Geek Squad will continue to undergo never-ending cycles of fail, shame and derision.
If there's a moral to this story, it has to be the following: You are the only computer tech that can be trusted with 100% certainty - so Do It Yourself.
- All articles tagged 'geek-squad/porn'
- Kaylee Hall's lolsuit, statement and depositions (.pdf)
- 10-page Geek Squad tech confession
- Caught in the act (video)
Ye olde media:
- Geek Squad: A matter of trust (Minneapolis Star Tribune)
- Woman sues Best Buy over photos (Traverse City Record-Eagle)
- Best Buy, `Geek Squad’ sued over videotaping (LA Times)
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