Genesis

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Genesis is the first of five loads of shit that comprise the Torah.

What We're Told

According to some book, God created the earth and anything on it on October 23, 4004 according to some, or, more likely, last Thursday. This is widely believed to be a hoax created by Moses and the Jews to make them feel more important then they really are.

Luckily for us, God left the original log files for the creation of the Earth in a server in Wisconsin where some faggot uncovered them.

The Truth

In the beginning there was the Computer. Here are the logs from the initial startup:


And God said
C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Enter user-id.


C:\>GOD


Enter password.


C:\>OMNISCIENT


Password incorrect. Try again.


C:\>OMNIPOTENT


Password incorrect. Try again.


C:\>TECHNOCRAT


And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 1.


C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT!


Unrecognisable command. Try again.


C:\>CREATE LIGHT


Done


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.


And God logged off at 00:01:00, day 1.



And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 2.


C:\>LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT


Unrecognisable command. Try again.


C:\>CREATE FIRMAMENT


Done.


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.


And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 2.



And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 3.


C:\>LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR


Too many characters in specification string. Try again.


C:\>CREATE DRY_LAND


Done.


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


Done.


C:\>LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH, LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS


Too many characters in specification string. Try again.


C:\>CREATE PLANTS


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth, plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors.


And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 3.



And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 4.


C:\>CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT


Unspecified type. Try again.


C:\>CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS


Done


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


These lights governed day and night and separated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors.


And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 4.



And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 5.


C:\>CREATE FISH


Done


C:\>CREATE FOWL


Done


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And
God saw that there were 0 errors.


And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 5.



And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 6.


C:\>CREATE CATTLE


Done


C:\>CREATE CREEPY_THINGS


Done


C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH


C:\>NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE


Unspecified type. Try again.


C:\>CREATE MAN


Done


C:\>BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING
THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH


Too many command operands. Try again.


C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION


Execution terminated. 6 errors.


C:\>INSERT BREATH


Done


C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION


Execution terminated. 5 errors.


C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN


File Garden of Eden does not exist.


C:\>CREATE GARDEN.EDN


Done


C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN


Done


C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION


Execution terminated. 4 errors.


C:\>COPY WOMAN FROM MAN


Done


C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION


Execution terminated. 3 errors.


C:\>CREATE DESIRE


Done


C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION


Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>CREATE FREEWILL


Done


C:\>RUN FREEWILL


And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn


Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.


C:\>UNDO DESIRE


Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.


C:\>DELETE FREEWILL


Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.


Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.


C:\>HELP


Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill.
Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.


Try again, cancel or quit program.


Try again


Try again, cancel or quit program.


cancel


Try again, cancel or quit program.


quit


Try again, cancel or quit program.


C:\>CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE


And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn


Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors.


C:\>CREATE GOOD, EVIL


Done


C:\>ACTIVATE EVIL


And God saw he had created shame.


Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.


C:\>SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN, WOMAN


Search failed.


C:\>DELETE SHAME


Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill.


C:\>DELETE FREEWILL


Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use.


Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.



C:\>STOP


Unrecognizable command. Try again


C:\>BREAK


C:\>BREAK


C:\>BREAK


ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.


C:\>CREATE NEW WORLD


You have exceeded your allocated file space.


You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>DESTROY EARTH


Destroy earth: Please confirm.


COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN.


SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00


YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.


And God logged off at 23:59:59, day 6.



And God rested.


See Also

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Genesis is part of a series on Programming.

[2 L337 4 MEEnter the Matrix]

Genesis
is part of a series on
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