Girl Drama

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The internet phenomenon known as girl drama is currently rampant among the thinking man's internets. Once confined to MySpace, it has spread like wildfire amongst the seemingly lady friendly internets of the modern age. Once upon a time the only girls on the real internet were 47-year-old male pedophiles with pictures jacked from social networking sites, but although they had the tits and the secret penis, they lacked the one thing that only a real girl can provide: truly stupid drama.

Principles

I mean if this is how you want to think of internet girl drama then we are really in no place to stop you.

The nature of being a girl is based around the universal fact that each one inherently wishes to gather information on other girls by making friends with them and then talking behind their backs with other girls. These other girls are also making friends with each other in order to gather information about the other and share it with other girls. What the girls who are talking about the other do not know, is that each one of them is also sharing information gathered from their friendship with another girl who is also both gathering incriminating details and having her intimate secrets logged, in order to continue a perpetual cycle of mistrust and bitchiness. It is like the Lion King up in this bitch.

Girl drama is compounded by the occasional huge drama in which a combination of secrets, lies and hysterical conjecture are passed through at least five people (usually girls) and come to a head in the form of a large argument which invariably threatens the exclusion of one or more girls, yet rarely delivers. The huge drama is the bulldozer required to raze current issues to the ground in order to make way for budding new drama and gives an invaluable opportunity for tactical team switching, which is highly dependent on which way the stronger members seem to be swaying and who is proving popular with boys at the time.

THAT is how it is done.

Players

As cool and individual as every dramatic girl likes to think she is, without a shadow of a doubt she falls into one of the following categories.

Powerplayer

Usually personified by newer members of drama girl groups who then metamorphose into other types of dramatic, The Powerplayer will utilise many of the weapons at her disposal. Usually a combination of tits and manipulation, these girls join a group and instantly believe that they should be the queen, and thus through a series of twisted conversations and hearsay they launch an attack against another Powerplayer which inevitably leads to one of the aforementioned huge dramas. Take note, the Powerplayer will always play the victim, every single time.

Signs you are dealing with a powerplayer

Unfortunately, the reality is not quite as appealing. But still pretty appealing
  • Will private message you as soon as you sign on to any chatting network with information about another girl.
  • Will send you cryptic message advising you be careful who you trust in obvious reference to another girl.
  • Will invite certain types of attention and then whine when they receive it, see also: Asking For It
  • Has nudes floating around, and gives the same ones to multiple boys. Displays other whorish behaviours but will deny if asked by another girl.
  • Will act like your best friend, and everyone else for that matter.
 
 
OMG you really need to be careful about who you trust, and I am not going to say anything but a certain person has been causing trouble and going between people saying things trying to get people to think that I am some kind of drama queen trying to divide and conquer, I would never do that because you are one of my closest friends, and I am def not manipulating you right now. Anyway, let's act like everything is okay and plot against her.
 

 

—Powerplayer, in a play for power

Stirrer

Have you ever said something and then a few hours later it has been angrily presented back to you, completely bastardized, taken totally out of context and mixed with a dose of paranoia and rumour? You have? Don't worry, you have just had direct contact with a stirrer. A stirrer does just that, sits on the sidelines of any drama and goes between the interested parties with self serving versions of what has been said. They will press you to bitch about other members of the dramatic group and use it against you. They are in it for the drama, and their stories get more and more unlikely as time goes on. Unfortunately, there is always a girl stupid enough to take what a stirrer says at face value which is why it is pertinent, if you suspect stirring, to log fucking everything.

Signs you are dealing with a Stirrer

  • Never says anything nice about anybody.
  • Will fill in any blanks to include you making hideously retarded statements about other girls.
  • Tampers with logs.
  • Is friends with everyone on both sides on every social network they have access to.
  • Will think up unlikely reasons that they could not possibly be at fault, and everything they was between people and said was all just an incredible misunderstanding caused by some other dramatic girl.
 
 
So what do you think of her? Do you think she really has spoken to X about things? I have heard stuff about her, what about you? Do you think she's trustworthy? So what happened when you and her spoke?
 

 

—Leading questions, all the better to incriminate you with.

Bitch

The Bitch will run raging into any situation with zero knowledge or interest and call everyone stupid until they hate her. Thankfully, the bitch is the only person who does not discriminate; she will PMS on anybody and rage until the issue is over, then remind you of it at tactical intervals in the future.

Signs you are dealing with a Bitch

  • Prides herself on brutal honesty, but does not realise that there is a difference between that and just being a cunt.
  • No one gossips about The Bitch, because even though people hate her, they are still fucking scared of her.
  • People will claim to admire her attitude, but this is a lie and these are the ones who hate her the most.
 
 
Fuck you guys, this is so fucking stupid. You're all fucking retards and I hate you.
 

 

—The Bitch, known for her valuable input.

Side Switcher/Suck Up

A Uriah Heapish character, the side swicher can always be found going with the majority. She is the girl slightly behind and to the left of the queen bee, languishing in her popularity by proxy and telling everyone who will listen about her best friend the top girl of the girl drama clique. Whenever a new queen is crowned after a disgrace, they inherit the side switcher like one would inherit an ugly picture or a small jewellery collection. Not known for her subtlety, the side switcher will tend to not share real opinions during the bulk of a drama, for fear that the person she is shitting on will soon be the one whose ass she is kissing.

Signs you are dealing with a Sideswitcher/Suck Up

  • She will name drop constantly.
  • She is always with the in crowd, but never in enough to be the centre of attention.
  • Has full dox on everyone she has ever spoken to on the internet.
 
 
Me and Girlvinyl are so tight, just the other day she was telling me how much like a sister I am to her. Yeah, like if ever she comes to my town she is totally staying at mine, we are just that close. Sheneequa too, we are like triplets honestly, just three crazy girls on IRC.
 

 

—So close they occasionally say hi to you, when you say it first.

History and Application

Yes hello, on the internet I am Queen.

So, here you are, safe in the assumption there are no girls on the internet, when one day you're chatting hard with some bros and a cute and fluffy name pops up. Then another. Then over the course of a few weeks, another. You try and ignore it but before long <3, lool and ^_^ are commonplace and the bitches are fucking everywhere. All of a sudden, your bros are snarking over who gets to Skype with the hot pickings today and girls are throwing around threats to ruin each other like they know what the fuck it means. Expect to see many links to Facebook and MySpace being dropped, and the occasional picture where it is possibly her on the upper left hand side partially obscured by the corner of the door.

Rules of Thumb

The kind of dumbass who gets involved in girl drama.

Now admittedly, girl drama is similar to GOTIS in the sense that it relies on fat girl angle shots and males to thrive, but there are several key indicators that you're dealing with something even more retarded.

Whilst girls will still offer tasteful portraits, they will treat them as currency rather than a means to procure attention from boys. Pics are at the heart of the black market economy of any girl drama clique, as it boosts their white knight army and popularity, but also helps a tool to destroy the credibility of another girl. Examples of this include pointing out she has chubby fingers, has edited her pictures, appears to live in a small house or is just plain fucking ugly.

The male attention also differs; instead of sitting back and allowing the men to fawn over them, the girls will actively encourage them to become part of the drama. This will include crying to them about the acts of other people, usually resulting in thinly veiled personal army request against either other dramatic girls or boys who are immune to their bullshit. Desperate virgins are the first to answer this call. On the off chance this girl lives on the same continent as them, these poor dumbasses will spend the rest of their lonely years clinging to the hope that one day they'll meet up and party. This is a lie.

Conclusion

In short, if you are enough of a fuckwit to get caught up in a girl drama then this article is not going to help you avoid it. Girl drama is addictive, it will become a huge part of your life and you will think that you are such a clever motherfucker that none of the dumb cunts around you could possibly have a fucking clue that you are at the centre of it all, playing both sides in a little self serving game of bullshit. You are so clever that people can not only tell exactly what you are going to do and when you are going to do it, but also the consequences, and reactions of your retarded behaviours. Congratulations, you are truly fucking unremarkable, just another player of a stupid, dramatic game. Now fuck off.

See Also

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Featured article August 29, 2010
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