Grand Theft Auto
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Grand Theft Auto or GTA games are nominated as "best gamez evar" by thousands of 13 year old boys across the world for featuring childish and juvenile innuendo, driving, shooting, killing, pools of pixellated blood and other such shite. Though first thought of at least 100 years ago, lusers who've no clue about what an amazing game is still consider these concepts to be "amazing" and "ground-breaking".
All of the games in the series are very diverse and ever-changing, but your goal is always to drive generic cars through generic checkpoints and shoot or ram generic pedestrians and other cars with the aid of cartoon violence. Some would argue that killing people in a game is lulz. Regrettably, every one of you 13 year olds has to learn that it's only lulz if you go for the IRL high score.
Unrealistically, you are able to kill/pwn thousands of people and get away with it. This pisses off the average soccer mom and politician. In the 2009 installment, Chinatown Wars, you can even make hundreds of thousands of meaningless virtual dollars by dealing in meaningless virtual drugs. GTA is SERIOUS BUSINESS, the idea being that if kids or even adults play this game they are just about certain to go on random, unprovoked killing sprees. All kinds of violent events are blamed on this game, completely ignoring all of the violence in the world before it came along.
GTA I, II & London
The 2D GTA games were presented in birds-eye-view and originally released for the PC, then for the PlayStation and Dreamcast. They failed to generate any buzz in the world of gaming because they were totally out-of-date crap.
These 2D games are quite notorious for the worst handling of vehicles and player movement in possibly all of gaming history. Of course, to save time you're going to drive as fast as possible to get to where you need to be, avoiding obstructions and being as l33t as possible. However, even after years (God help) of 2D GTA experience, you'd still remain a gameplay n00b. Driving any faster than 5 mph would result in an inevitable crash into a building or vehicle. Reason being the vehicle under your control moving faster than the display scrolls, so you could never see where the fuck you're heading. Not only that but (the suffering continues), the terrible control system for the vehicle is not suitable for small children or the differently abled: in reverse, you have to press right to go left and left to go right once back in forward. The graphics are total crap, remnants of the time when PC games really did have the world's worst graphics, so these games will soon drive you to become an hero.
You played in GTA 1 & GTA: London as a little blob of color that moved around farting, belching, punching, shooting yellow blobs and getting into vehicles. In GTA 2, however, you were a little black blob of color with a white head, that could do the above AND jump! OMG! AMZNG!1 That's all that was different other than moar weaponriez.
The games had no original characters or memorable events. The only thing to be related to any sort of original character would be a terribly animated picture of a black person whose mouth moved a little bit that appeared when you answered his Blackberry.
Story and Gameplay
Plots were mostly absent from 1, 2 and the GTA: London expansion fad. From the start you were wondering what's meant to be done, and eventually found yourself answering one of many constantly ringing payphones. Answering a phone would result in you being given unclear instructions on a "job" you were then forced to attempt. These missions would involve killing any amount of people and blowing something up. Yes, they're that detailed. Should you succeed you were given pocket change, and left to answer another payphone.
After you've rinsed and repeated this task; you're then bored and decide you're going nowhere in life. Soon after, you'll become an hero. They aren't considered very exciting, but you at least get new areas to unlock.
After buying the disc (only worth using as a tea coaster) and putting it into their PlayStations, n00bs cried when a message appeared on screen saying "Un-fucking-lucky! You need to buy GTA 1 and insert it first to play this!! n00b!" Some became an hero, while others actually went out and bought GTA 1 as well.
GTA II's creators also created a promo movie or some shit that involved real people making complete fools of themselves as they attempt to act. Beginning with a Bruce Campbell look-alike being chased by nigrahs, it ends with that same Bruce Campbell look-alike being assassinated by Osama bin Laden. Not worth watching. Period.
Here it is anyway.
GRAND THEFT AUTO I, II & London = FAIL/100!
Many people believe Grand Theft Auto 3 is the first in the series because they are too stupid to read Roman numerals.. Set in "Liberty City" , you played as some luser with no name who had his vocal chords ripped out as a kid. The NPCs didn't seem to mind him being a mute because he was such a badass, so would often have whole, albeit one-sided, conversations with him.
Story and Gameplay
The game begins with a boring FMV that takes a couple of hours to show a bit of drug taking and bank robbing.
If you wait long enough to discover that parts of the game are playable, you get to take 8-Bix and X through a 0.02-second journey on foot before they discover a conveniently placed car, complete with radio (happens all the time).
Mister X then somehow finds himself doing "jobs" and "favors" for the Mafia (Don Salvatoré, Tony Cipriáni & Maria), a gang named "El Diablos" (El Burro) and some pervert named "Luigi" who runs a sicko strip bar.
For some bizarre reason which can only be the result of a drug cocktail enjoyed by Rockstar employees, some missions include taking photographs of fat men in diapers. I shit you not. Other missions involve the theft of bestiality porn.
At least 100 years of hard labor later, the infamous bridge that was Osama'd at the beginning of this game is miraculously repaired, granting you "Staunton Island": five more square centimeters to run around in.
The game ends when you've killed all of your past buddies because someone told you to on the phone, rescued your booty call from earlier in the game, and Mr. X and her walk off into the sunset (original, eh?). Mister X then puts a bullet in her mouth because she can't shut up and he can't say STFU.
The lulz that never were
Being developed in the lulzy 90's , when terrorism was seen as something cool and transgressor, and amateur bombings and shootings happened every week (see Waco, Timothy McVeigh, Columbine and unabomber as examples), the game originally included a character named Darkel that ordered you to commit massacres of random pedestrians, and it is even rumored that one of the missions was to drive and airplane into some building and another one had you blow up a schoolbus full of kids.
Gallery of GTA III
|About missing Pics|
(Above) [Intro and Mission #1] Osama's h4xX rampage on Portland's bridge, the escaping negro etc...
Mission #02 Oh NOEZ! People taking drugs and having fun? Kill kill kill. The piece of paper told you to!
Mission #04 Moar killing, same old shit after just four missions. DESU.
Let's skip forwards...
Mission #15 Collecting Donkey Does Dallas magazines that float, are orange, and are everywhere. Just like reality.
Mission #16 Maria. Boring driving, annoying voice, doesn't stop talking and killing her = WIN.
Mission #18 Wut? Moar boring driving? DESU DESU.
Let's skip again, it's all the same...
Mission #21 Moar talking letters. Man this shit is whack. Moar of the same.
That's it! Skipping by 40 should lead to something new? Right?
Mission #61 Oh shit. Driving? But crashing atall = FAIL? DESU DESU FUCKING DESU! It's all the same!!
Final Mission Driving?...Shit-hard shooting? Amazing action? A mission most people alive cannot complete without cheats you say? YES! Oh it's all over...
GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 = FAIL/100
GTA: Liberty City Stories
In GTA: Liberty City Stories, you play as Toni Cipriani who is the Capo of the Leone Family. Like, Vice City Stories, there is nothing too much different than that of GTA III. Liberty City Stories takes place 3 years earlier and you play as a different character. The game is only available on the Playstation 2 and Xbox.
With an overall goal to suck up to the Don of the Leone Family, Salvatore Leone, you will often find yourself bored as fuck whilst playing this game because the missions are all the fucking same.
Toni Cipriani - The protagonist of the game. Still lives in his mother's basement and runs a shitty restaurant. Nothing much to say other than he is just one big suck-up.
Maria Latore - Primarily known as the Boss's bitch. Salvatore's supposed wife in which he hooked up with while he was in San Andreas for "business" reasons. She is a free-loader and was only after his money. Surprisingly, he was stupid enough to believe that she was "interested" in him.
GTA: Vice City
Vice City (GTA IV would have made too much sense) is set in Miami of the 1980's and displays all manner of loud shirts, bad songs, and pastel colors to prove the point.
The promoted "stunning quality of graphics" became shit hitting the fan from the second the disc spun, with trees and walls appearing from thin air whenever the player character traveled any faster than 5 mph. Textures were as fugly as ever.
In a monumental step forward for the GTA series, Vice City's main character had a name (Tommy Vercetti). Vice City also gave the dedicated player the first chance to ride a motorcycle (OMG not featured in GTA III)!
GTA: Vice City Stories
Vice City Stories is the same thing as Vice City, except for the protagonist is a nigger named Victor Vance and that the game takes place two years earlier. The game has also been known to have rather shitty graphics and a tremendous amount of bugs and glitches. The radio stations are also all the same, except with some different songs.
Victor Vance - The main character of the game, who was the second nigger to become a protagonist ever in GTA history, apart from Carl Johnson. He is also the brother of a fucktard by the name of Lance Vance.
Lance Vance - A waste of fucking space and human resource. Long story short, a fucktard who tries to be funny by cracking lame jokes in his over-raspy voice and annoying the living shit out of his brother, Vic.
Louise - Some random crack-whore who you are forced to rescue from her redneck husband early on in the game. Vic tries to establish a relationship between him and her, but she dies later on in the game.
Ricardo Diaz - A fat Colombian who Vic does missions for, because being the obese ball of fat he really and truly is, he is much too lazy to take care of it himself. Double-crosses Vic two years later, by instructing his men to ambush a drug deal between Tommy Vercetti and Victor Vance.
Diego Martinez - Vic's old army Colonel. This is the guy who Vic wanted to kill the minute the game started, because he was butthurt that he got kicked out of the army for him having stashed Cocaine under his bed. He eventually managed to gun him down, as well as his bodyguards on the roof of a skyscraper.
GTA: San Andreas
(aka The Sims: Nigger Edition )
Rather than an actual GTA game, this is just an angst, nigger Tamagotchi. You play as a nigger called CJ who chickens out after one of his brothers got killed, then has his mom killed by a rival gang. Long story short, he eats fried chicken, fucks insane women, eats fried chicken, gets a pink Mohawk, eats fried chicken, blows up police cars with a M4, eat fried chicken, help Eazy E steal boxes from the National Guard and has hot coffee with Samuel Jackson, never actually becomes a rapper (but other people insist he did), and did we mention eat fried chicken (srsly)?
This game also contains the failed meme known as OG Loc, who is to CJ what Weegee is to Mario. He makes no sense, is kinda disturbing, and nobody cares about him. Copying Weegeee even further, you go-kart race Oriental gentleman Loc and near the end, CJ gets to shoot him, but instead he takes his rhyme book and his record company. Anyway, as the story develops, you go to Las Vegas, shoot some azns, rob a bank with some azns, get rich and beautiful, however your crackhead nigger wants to stay at the hood and C-Jay is forced to go back to his dump. The game ends when
you CJ finally kills Biggie Smalls and Officer Tenpenny. That didn't solve anything though, because CJ's mom is still dead and everything is still fucked up.
Also, you can get fat and ride bicycles to Liberty City.
San Andreas generated a lot of lulz after a couple of 13 year old boys found ways to make the lead playa fuck his girlfriend. Rockstar fangirl Jack Thompson became wet at the possibility of new lawsuits over the game enabling events such as fapping over pixelated sex. Rockstar pwned the prick's ass in GTA IV; he gets shot in the head whilst screaming "Guns don't kill people, video games do!...BANG!"
Grand Theft Auto IV was bullshited as a "turning point in video game history" and unsurprisingly ended up being the most boring, unoriginal game in the series. It features on-the-fly ragdoll physics, washed up music bands, a pixelated subway system twice as confusing as New York's Boeing 747s that never take off or land, endless taxing on runways, unoriginal vehicles (based on IRL cars), annoying-ass characters, and a fuckload of useless dialogue.
GTA IV catches up on the 2008 American media theme of presenting Serbians as ultimate villains (because calling the villain Achmed Raschid would cause too much butthurt whining and between massive bombing and manipulation the Serbs can't do much about it). So the main character, Niko Belic, comes to Liberty City in hopes of escaping the harsh life of his country and meet up with his rich cousin Roman. But turns out that Roman not only bullshited about his rich life, but also owes a shitload of money to a lot of people. So Niko, being the Serbian immigrant that he is, finds himself taking up a life of murder, crime, and theft.
As badass as that sounds, Rockstar managed to make the game fucking boring sinse the first 5 hours consist of chasing a laundromat owner and stealing a Honda Civic, and the rest is only driving ugly-ass cars that drive like shit.
- Niko Bellic- The euro-trash, trackpants-wearing, main character in Grand Theft Auto IV. He is the Irish mafia's errand boy and looks exactly like Sasha from Behind Enemy Lines and Victor Zakhaev from Call of Duty modern warfare.
- Roman Bellic- Niko's fat, annoying cousin who only wants to see BEEG AMERICAN TEETEES. NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! Fortunately he dies in his wedding if choose "Deal".
- Packie- Generic Irishman who drinks heavily yet is able to perfectly fire a gun. He shows up again in GTA5 in a "random" event you can stumble upon. Him and his mentally challenged friend are robbing a drugstore, but his aforementioned mentally challenged friend forgets to arrange for a driver or car to escape. So you help him and he becomes a new crew member on robberies, which can mean that unless you get him before you do the all 3 or 4 planned "scores" in the game he is completely fucking useless as a character.
- Brucie- A hyperactive FPS Doug-ripoff who does steroids, fixes cars, and has orgies with Roman.
- Little Jacob- A Jamaican nigger that talks like he has a dick in his mouth and most likely smells like shit. "Wha gwan me bredda."
- Dwayne- Another nigger, but at least this one wants to kill himself (probably because he got raped in prison). Kill him instead of Playboy X. If you let Dwayne live, the only thing he gives you is a change of clothes and a penthouse.
- Michelle/Karen- The local town bicycle who pretends to be your girlfriend, but ends up being a double agent.
- Dimitri Rascalov- A Russian who looks just like Steve Jobs. He gets pissed when his comrades sell porn without him. You eventually kill him.
- Jimmy Pegerino- Useless Wop who betrays you in the end.
- Bernie- One of Niko's war-buddies. Apparently, the only reason Niko came to Liberty City was because he thinks this guy is the one that betrayed him and caused the death of his village. Unsurprisingly, turns out that the traitor is another guy.
- Darko Brevich- The guy that sold Niko out. He looks exactly like Niko except that he looks like he has never brushed his teeth. Whether you choose to kill him or not doesn't matter, sinse Niko bitches about his decision either way.
- Vlad- Some asshole who makes you throw bricks at Asian people and steal Honda Civics. You kill him after you realize that he's fucking Roman's fiancee.
- Hossan- Roman's taxi driver. The only worthwhile character in the game.
- Jew- A dirty Jewish biker. Need I say more?
- Luis Lopez- A Mexican who fucks up your diamond deal and your bank robbery.
- Gracie Ancelotti- Rich mafia boss's daughter, you kidnap her for a ransom.
- Kate McCreary - The love interest of the story (the story nobody gives a shit about when playing the game). She's not worth dating, doesn't give you anything special, thus is completely fucking useless.
— Random in-game hobo
The Lost and Damned
The Ballad of Gay Tony
AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG I don tink das a good idea, Tone mang.
Media attention and Drama
Even before it was released, GTA IV was causing drama in the tubes. So many obsessed fat fanboys tried to access the preview trailer at once they crashed Rockstar's servers, leading to much butthurt and bitching.
Of course, Jack Thompson jumped on GTA IV before it was released, calling it the spawn of Satan and the very tool that will unravel the fabric of modern society. Sadly, Jack didn't realize Rockstar wasn't in the mood for frivolous lawsuits, and immediately told him to STFU by tap dancing on the First Amendment.
Does it end there? Fuck no. Multiplayer is perhaps the funniest retard haven this side of the internets. Free mode often leads to tears from 14 year old boys. It's "free mode", so you'd expect people's player characters to die while fucking around. But no, killing people in free mode is really murder and you should be executed if you do it! They have deathmatch for that!
Awesome New Features
Awesome new features of GTA IV include:
- Air Hockey - FUCK YEAH, OH TOTALLY!
- Bowling - HOLY SHIT! WHAT, OH MAN!
- Darts - YEAH BOIII
- Drinking & Driving - OH, MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU, GANGSTA!
- In-game comedy skits and television shows - YEAH, I WANNA SIT THERE AND WATCH A MOVIE IN MY GAME, DAWG!
- Low-brow humor - OH YEA I'M SO GANGSTA FOR SAYING "COME ON NIGGA!!"
- Recycled washed-up celebrities as DJs
- Music you can barely tolerate - FUCK YEA BITCH!
Oh yeah, and be a pedophile...
Typical online convo
A: Hey, how do you get the BEST ESTER EG EVAR?! B: Go to the statue of Apenis A: TAKE ME THERE THEN YOU STUPID LITTLE KNOBCHEESE! B: Get there yourself you bald ass niggra. A: BUT I CANT FLY A CHOPPER
GTA IV XBAWKS 360 DLC
In order not to look like assholes who sold you the shitty half of a revamped game originally made at least 100 years ago, Rockstar announced shortly after releasing the game, that they would be developing exclusive content exclusively for the ultra-exclusive Xbox360. This time, instead of playing with that Eastern European fuckrag, Niko, you get to plays with a white-trash, Hell's Angel spoof, with a heart of gold. It features an extra thirty seconds of gameplay, four hours of videos showing you how cool it would be to play, and none of the great things that the original game had (Why the fuck do I want to swim with a goddamn leather jacket on?).
The Ballad of Ghey Tony was released a bit later, and all the 13 year old GTA fanboys went crazy. The story follows this guy who works for a fag and carries out his daily chores and bidding, along with having to work for and later fight an alcoholic Russian and his fuck-ugly assistant. The game was universally panned by niggers since none of them understood the plot and the controls seemed foreign because of their short term memory. The game was praised by many dick sucking video game reviewers and 13 year old boys because they have sold their souls to adequate graphics, predictable plots and a story revolving around fags. Among the hardcore gaming community, the game was played for five years until the retards realized it was exactly the same as the first two, except with a gay title and 28 missions. The only true new addition is that there are CHAMPAIGNE DRINKING MINI GAMES OMG!!!11
The shittiest and/or weirdest part is that GTA IV and its two bastard DLCs involve $2 million worth of diamonds, who the fag buys from some ship's cook and then the biker guy takes them and throws them in the trash and the Eurotrash guy has to dress up like a garbageman and steal them, but then he gets them stolen from him and some Russians get involved and... shit, now I'm confused. But, on the brighter side, you get to kill a bunch of Jewish diamond dealers and their thugs.
Like everything ever on the 360 the "exclusive content" stayed exclusive, and don't let any store tell you otherwise
|Gallery of GTA IV||About missing Pics|
GTA: Chinktown Wars
This is the 2009 title for the Nintendo DS, PSP and IPhone/IPod Touch, proving that Rockstar wants to expand their customer base to include children and fags (and combinations of the two), these being the only people to possess the console. Developed by Rockstar Leeds, the game is shit and features a couple of England-derived place names but the usual right-side driving, which is just like totally gay. There were many fake pre-release videos and screens on the tubes. One example:
The game carries a "Licensed by Nintendo" screen. Nintendo apparently did not want to release a Japanese version but ended up getting some third-party outfit to do it. Chinatown Wars features the best-named power-up in gaming history: Flame Retard.
Grand Theft Auto V
Sometime Last Thursday, CockStar released their next miscarriage, GTA V, which resulted in more cum spillage from fat, fanboi cargo-shorts than when their High School forgot the cheese pizza web filter.
In this sequel of the esteemed franchise you get to control three faggots who met at a local circle-jerk and try to take over the city while poppin' gangbangers, raping police officers and beating old women to death with the baseball bat you bought from the money you saved by killing that hooker (OMG ORIGINALITY).
But srsly, GTA V is GTA IV pasted over GTA III: San Andreas... and PC-fuckers already made mods for that.
- Franklin Clinton: A typical street nigger who is the least interesting of the group, the only thing that's worth keeping him is the slow-mo driving technique sense every GTA player sucks at driving.
- Michael De Santa: A bad father yet he's a successful thief, most of the time he's saving his family from dumb shit they get into. He's also an FBI snitch.
- Trevor Philips: A batshit insane man who has anger problems, if you try to reason with him you will have a boot being stomped in your face. his ability makes him go super saiyan mode.
- Devin Weston: What happens when you give a liberal shit loads of money? Devin Weston is the abortion of that, the moment you first saw him you would want to break his face into small pieces with a dildo, he also never gave you money for your work, so he's considered a jew, most satisfying thing is you can kill him in the end, unless you're a fucktard who didn't choose C of course.
- Steven Haines: Some FBI dickhead who wants you to forcefully suck his dick by doing his work, you can kill him in the end.
Grand Theft Auto Online
Rockstar's highly anticipated online version of the game that features an open world where players can explore, level up, team up and do heists, and buy property; it was released two weeks after GTAV came out.
When it released, it came with a shitload of game breaking glitches that bleeds into corrupting the story mode; this could have been foreseen, rockstar only tested GTA online with five people in the weeks they had to prepare, but didn't expect 17 billion players on launch. This took more than three days to fix; in order to keep their fans happy, Rockstar will give away $500,000 in in-game money to anybody playing their online game on October 2013, as a thank-you for people putting up with their shit. That won't matter for those who did the LSC money glitch and made millions. Don't even try it, it's been patched with Patch 1.0.4, and with the patch, Rockstar nerfed the payouts per mission, so there's no way to make quick money anymore.
And the $500,000 stimulus package, no one got it yet, rockstar mentioned that players will get it in the following week after it's announcement, but no one got it yet.
Proving that everything needs its own wiki, the GTA games have spawned at least three wikis (grandtheftwiki.com, wikigta.org, gta.wikia.com). The one on Wikia predictably features 1000% more stupid, and just like on TOW, changing minor details or telling people they're wrong when they are will lead to an instant flamewar.
The GTA forums provide a cesspit where 14 year olds can argue over which car looks or acts more like which real car, which weapons rate most highly, and stretch the definition of Easter Egg until the egg cracks. Much of the content is just strange, since GTA is not real.
GTA: A Video Guide