Guidos are what happens when concentrated "Douchiness" forms itself into a person. Although the purest breed of Guido is the result of merging the worst qualities of New Jersey with the dregs of Italy, one need not be Italian to be a Guido; because Guidos nowadays come from as far east as Turkey and a far north as Poland, they just desperately wish they were Italian. Which is kinda like a cripple wishing they were retarded; because the only thing lower than an Italian who doesn't know that the 70's are over....is a Turk who pretends to be an Italian who doesn't know that the 70's are over.
Nowadays, the 'Guido' nature has become more of a pose than a subculture and more of a subculture than an ethnicity. It is what happens when the worst aspects of the Fratboy are merged with the worst aspects of a smarmy, swarthy 70's porn director and that, in turn, is crossbred with the pure essence of faggotry. The first true Guido was what happened when a low-level Mafiosi fell into the toxic waste from a Superfund site, and they are as common to the Jersey Shore and New York city as cockroaches are to a greasy spoon's dumpster. However, their distribution and range extends from Florida to New York to Boston, especially in cities with a GNC. They display the outward appearance of an oven-roasted, over-inflated Miami clubfag due to orange spray tan and glow in the dark teeth. They are, however, easily discerned from the former by their vocalizations. Whereas your average club faerie has a high nasal lisp with decent pronunciation, Guido's voices sound like Robert DeNiro singing "Trapped in the Closet" with a donkey boner wedged in his esophagus. It is hypothesized that the two would actually sound the same but the Guido's voice has actually been altered by excessive steroid use for body building and interference from his collagen injected lips. Despite this, Guido's delude themselves that they are living the Mafioso lifestyle and that they are Dean fucking Martin. The Guido is a close relative to the small and skinny Styla, who mostly pollutes German clubs with his garlic breath and his inflated ego. Fortunately, it seems that since Jersey Shore has finally fallen out of style, this brand of faggotry has receded back into the disgusting sewer of America that is New Jersey.
Guidos can usually be found inside a club sweatily dry-humping other guidos and trannies to bad pop music while chugging Jagerbombs, AMF's (really GHB) and Fuzzy Nipples. A little-known fact is that guidos cannot live unless they are constantly around bad party music and large televisions, which is why you only see them at clubs, bars, tacky apartments, and gyms. Occasionally guidos can actually make it away from these venues for short periods of time to either tan (both spray and in tanning beds) or attend bodybuilding events. Guidos and Guidiettes are to the Italian community as Niggers are to the black community and rednecks are to white people. All put a permanent shit-stain on their community by being loud-mouthed douche bags and bitches who talk way too much shit and need to be systematically shot.
Scientists have concluded that guidos are a species from genus Douchebagopithecus, making them relatives to Wegros, Yuppies, Hipsters, and Jocks. Long ago, about when goatse was new, an Italian slut was penetrated by a faggot cosplaying as Vegeta, resulting in an exchange of STDs.
Anthropologists would have studied Guidos farther, except that Guidos aren't even people, so Guido research has to be left to Pathologists.
Pathologists have discovered that it is typical for a Guido to reflect their appearance on their origins, such as having their hair spiked up in a pathetic attempt to look like Vegeta, as well as hosting a massive STD collection. Don't be fooled by their Tribal Tattoos however, as being part of a Tribe implies that they are people, which they are not.
Recently Douchebagopithecus guidensis mutated into a subspecies known only as Guidettensis, though better known simply as Guidettes. They are female in appearance, but only as a way for this pathogen to spread its virus to unsuspecting humans, though you don't have to worry about that because you're never going to have sex in the first place.
Guidos spend 75% of their time and energy on mating (The other 25% is spent moisturizing their balls and working out). Despite the fact that they spend hours per day applying eyeliner and mascara, their eyesight is unusually poor due to their large brow ridges and oversized high cheekbones. Because of this, guidos primarily search out their mates by smell. As a result of this, the primary mates of the guido are the traps, I.A.P.s, and J.A.P.s in that order.
Guido mating season occurs between the hours of 9pm and 4am and is quite elaborate and structured, similar to the dance of the mayfly or the spawning of Pacific salmon. Unlike those two more advanced species, guidos do not collapse and die at the end of the night; rather, their steroids and 'e' keep them awake for unnecessary weeks on end.
Guidos rarely sleep; this is mainly because of the prevalence of the meth problem in the Italian-American community( pretty much like the faggot community). The closest to regular sleep that guidos get comes from after either "crashing" or from being tricked into drinking a GHB-laced Sea Breeze. As guidos age, this black person becomes too hard to maintain and 89% of guidos are on Social Security Disability by age 38 for fibromyalgia; the other 11% develop other forms of passive income.
It is a little known fact that guidos can't actually swallow anything more substantial than a maraschino cherry because of the constriction in their stomachs due to their overdeveloped abs. Therefore, their diet consists mainly of protein shakes, strange mixed cocktails, vitamin supplements (steroids), Heineken, and muscle relaxants. All their food shopping is done at either GNC or the local pharmacy, which is why you never see guidos in the supermarket.
Typical Guido Names (English)
- Faggot (The most common name.)
- Carlo Rizzi
- Mr Wonderful
- The Situation
- Rico Suave fans
- Cum Guzzler
How to Recognize a Guido
- Blowout haircut, permanently heavily gelled, which makes them look like Vegeta or Goku. All they need is some peroxide and they'll be Super Saiyan. Touching their hair will not only throw them into a blind rage, but also leave you wiping off gel for at least 5 minutes.
- Diamond earrings and other absurdly priced designer jewelery. Used to attract other men.
- Tanned to the point of almost being black person.
- Tight shirts to show off their steroid induced muscles.
- A cross around their neck (probably also with diamonds). All guidos are very religious. If this isn't enough proof that they're a religious bunch, notice their excessive cursing, drinking, and swallowing of huge dicks.
- When someone is about to take a picture of a guido, they automatically tilt their head and make a kissy face. They don't do this on purpose, it's a natural reaction to the camera. Only 2-3 guidos in the history of time have been exceptions to this rule. Experts suggest that they may have been part of a top secret experiment trying to turn them back into normal humans. (Efforts to reintegrate these douchebags to society have been a complete failure since and scientists are now considering mass extermination as one of the few viable options of fixin the problem that are guidos once and for all.)
- Doing some retarded mating dance to attract guidettes. The dance is named obviously Guido Frolic which is most likely paired with shitty "Italian" techno music.
- Uncontrollable Fist-pumping
How to confuse a Guido
- Greet him with "Howdy" instead of "eYOOO!" or "Fuck!".
- Switch out his Axe spray with PAM.
- Spray Versace Essence Ethereal in the tailpipe of his H2.
- Replace his hair gel with tiger balm.
- Give him a tank top that fits him.
- Cut off all the collars on his polos.
- Tell him that the table salt at the club is really cocaine.
- Ask him which rockstar he's partying as.
- Color in the rest of his beard with sharpie while he's passed out/dead.
- Replace his anabolic 'roids with estrogen.
- Pull out and cum on his face instead of blowing your load in his ass.
- Pauly Shore
- Fredo Corleone
- Paulie "Cash-Man" Carbone
- Daniele Fiorenza
- Jesse Sicili
- John Gotti's Family
- That Bijan Guy
- Joey Fatone
- Every porn star since the mid-eighties
- Lee Hotti (MarlboroMan)
- Nic Longo (the guido of greenwich)
- Andrew "Dice" Clay (actually a Jew)
- Clyde Cash
- Vince from Shamwow
- Your Mom
- Any juicer on the Jersey Shore
- John Boehner - Republican from Ohio, but constantly sports a fake orange tan.
- Slavo Da Greasy
Similar to stylas and otherwise known as 'Racaille'. You can only tell Racaille and Guidos apart because Racaille think it's cool to shave tribal designs and words into the back of their permanently gelled up hair. Keep in mind that Racaille are the most chickenshit sub-breed of Guido around and they will rarely ever take anyone up on a proposed fight unless there are
fifty over 9000 of them and one of you.
Everything before this is however bullshit, as Racailles are french nigras, sand nigras and wigras who act gangsta, black person.
MTV Puts Them On TV
For moar information see Jersey Shore
MTV( run by jews) decided that the Guido was next on its list of bullshit that can be exploited for profit. On December 3, 2009, MTV debuted a reality show called Jersey Shore, which follows eight typical Guidos coming from Staten Island (the cesspool from which all Guidos are spawned from) to spend their summer at the Jersey Shore. This tactic has supplyed television with a nightly supply of Guido for the first time in over two years since The Sopranos ended. The show has, predictably, received criticism from the National Italian American Foundation and the residents of the area in response to the eight roommates spreading their faggotry. One of the roommates, Nicole (nicknamed "Snooki"), is currently on Les Tubes under the screenname SnookTv. She is in fact Chilean and not at all Italian which makes some believe she is a secret agent working to expose guidos all day everyday for the lulz.
This show is probably the greatest thing ever aired and it´s greatness can only be accurately measured in WTF´s per minute
- Fart Fetish - A guido smug's common fetish.
- Ferrari Guy
- Gordon the Pringles Giraffe
- Jersey Shore
- Oompa Loompas
- So Cash
- NJGuido.com The Holy Grail of All Things Guido
- nj-guido.com Not to be confused with NJGuido.com, this link will make you a real guido faggot in 45 easy steps.
- Guido Fist Pump Serious Business
- Daily dose of new douche bag guidoes
- Typical guido music
- A fucking faggot obcessed with some nigger named Esham and Detroit