Guitar Hero

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Typical gameplay scenarios in Guitar Hero include milking your sponsor.


   
 
It's DDR for the fingers
 

 
 

Guitar Hero (Or GheyTard Queero or Guitar An Hero, lol amirite?) is an unoriginal video game that requires you to glue your eyes to the television and hit the same damn buttons for the next 5 minutes. All the games are the same thing, only with gayer songs and slightly better graphics, which honestly dont matter, because its a fucking music game.

It's been scientifically proven that becoming good at Guitar Hero will give you the mistaken impression that you have talent. Seriously, it's not a real guitar; this is for wannabees who play too much air guitar or DDR. The fact of the matter is the better you are Guitar Hero the worse you are at IRL guitar, and vice versa.

Also of notable mention is that this game provokes an awful lot of unwarranted self importance and you may find yourself boasting about how you just scored 92% on "Through The Fire And Flames." To keep yourself in check repeat this phrase 3 times after every play through of "Through The Fire And Flames;" "DragonForce is no good at guitar and neither am I."

Ignore this warning and suffer.

Contents

Gameplay

A typical Guitar Hero player. Note the lack of girls in sight.

The idea of the game is to destroy real rock by having 10 year olds become "fans" of Slash, DragonForce and other bands. Of course you also have to hit colored notes falling down the screen which correspond with guitar sounds in the song you're playing. Star power is implemented by shoving the guitar in the air or by hitting a "star power" button but only fags use the buttons.

If you can play expert at a decent level it is said you would be able to play a guitar in real life, so long as it's plastic, only has five buttons to hit, no strings, and is hooked up to a gaming system. If it is not anything like the device described above, then you will undoubtedly end up doing it wrong. The game is also known for it's drug-like effects it has on the player; finish a song and look at either a wall or your roof. Does it appear to be sucking itself in?

The fourth (and subsequent) instalments branched out into drums and vocals, undoubtedly an attempt to compete with blatantly plagiarize Rock Band. Yup, nothing says "Guitar Hero" like banging on plastic drums.

Live Streams

Quackadildo - THE Guitar Hero.

Of course some tryhards think they're so good at this extremely serious game that they actually post live streams of them playing solo.

Feel free to stop by and remind them of how cool they are.

Previous Video  |  Next Video

Special Note: Quackadilly

Here is another example of a real Guitar Hero, except he is not azn or obese. Youtube-favicon.png Quackadilly is obviously an attention whore and enjoys making videos to show off his skillz. The numerous comments that Quackadildo's fans leave him are proof to remind him that he truly is a Guitar Hero. His long fingers suggest that he is quite talented with his hands. This would help score him some chicks, but since he plays Guitar Hero, he is obviously just a faggot.


Guitar Hero as a Trolling Technique

Girls don't really play this game, silly!

This game has great potential for pissing people off in a quick and efficient manner. The trolling is so easy that South Park made an episode on Guitar Hero called "Guitar Queer-O," which can be viewed here. There's also a fascinating attempt at recreating their parody of said game here that's also a piece of shit to begin with.

Here's how to trolling with Guitar Hero works:

  • Step 1: Find someone who knows how to play any actual instrument. Yes, drums count.
  • Step 2: Mention that you play and enjoy Guitar Hero (regardless of whether you actually do). This alone should get a reaction. If your target has enough common sense to realize that it's just a fucking game, and therefore not give a shit about what video games you like, continue to Step 3.
  • Step 3: Imply that you are skilled at Guitar Hero and (here comes the important part) that this skill makes you as worthy of admiration as someone who has learnt how to play an actual instrument. At this point, your victim should explode and launch into a lengthy rant on music, art, effort, dedication and merit.

This game therefore has superior trolling potential when compared to all the other games out there, because playing Counter-Strike doesn't make your friends say "think you're hot stuff, huh? I bet you couldn't really shoot a real terrorist," and playing Gran Turismo doesn't make your friends say "what a waste of time...learn how to drive a real car, you pathetic piece of shit." In other words, Guitar Hero is just as good a drama generator as any conversation on abortion, creationism or Linux...actually, it's even better than any of these three examples, because they are all easily identified as trolls and will be met with "not this shit again". Guitar Hero, on the other hand, is fresh enough that most people will take the bait.

An alternate trolling technique is to find a random YouTube video of someone playing a song with any instrument. Every single one of these videos has at least one comment telling the video's maker to learn how to play a real instrument.

  • Step 1: Reply to their comment with something to the effect of "You don't know how to play (instrument in question)." The more recent the comment, the better.
  • Step 2: Go do something productive for an hour. Maybe a few songs on Guitar Hero.
  • Step 3: Come back to a lengthy rant about the poster's guitar playing skills.
  • BONUS LEVEL! If said poster offers up a video of his guitar playing, you can troll further by insulting his shitty Led Zeppelin cover (PROTIP: That's what it's going to be) or by denying that that the poster is the person in the video.

Rock Band

Nuvola
Moar info: Rock Band.

Viacom sold Guitar Hero to Activision without telling Harmonix first. They would be given one last game to make before Activision would completely take over. In retaliation Harmonix created Guitar Hero Rocks the 80's then walked away to create a new game. The problem is that Harmonix couldn't think up another game to make. They decided instead to make Guitar Hero with drums and a singer and called it Rock Band. By trying to take over Guitar Hero Activision had created their own worst enemy.

Emofags generally prefer Guitar Hero to Rock Band due to only requiring one person to play while still getting every achievement. They prefer not having to associate with other people or (Heaven forbid) going outside to visit someone who forced their parents to blow at least 100 dollars on this box of gay. People who aren't total losers or at least want to pretend they aren't total losers bought Rock Band so they can play with their "friends". Those who didn't want to lie about having friends just said the real reason: they were sick of the Guitar Hero Spam.

Guitar Hero Spamming

Activision has elevated spamming to an art form, ensuring that you are no more than ten feet away from a Guitar Hero game at any time. Eventually, they plan to have 12 Guitar Hero games for each other game that gets released (or until you idiots stop buying them, whichever comes first).

Guitar Hero's Lead Developer, hard at work spamming the fuck out of your local game store.

Guitar Hero 1&2

Basically the exact same game with different songs. Because nobody had ever seen a plastic guitar game before outisde of a few lucky Japanese, it blew people's minds. Notably, both games are 100% cover songs on all the well-known bands because Harmonix was broke and couldn't afford the real recordings. This also explains the high number of bands nobody has ever heard of, some of which are actually the Harmonix staff members using different names in order to pretend they were actually different bands.

Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80's

The final game before Activision took over. Harmonix was pissed about having their game sold out from under them so they went and made the crappiest game possible. The 3d models don't have textures. The animations are choppy and do not loop well. There are glitches and bugs present. You MUST beat "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls and "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors in order to win the game. It was troll-tastic and a warning of things to come.

Guitar Hero: World Torr Tour

Shortly after Rock Band was released, Activision realized that nobody was going to care about how hard their Dragonforce songs are when they could commit the unspeakable blasphemy of convincing people to visit their basements and pretend to be a band. World Torr was announced soon after as the successor to Guitar Hero 3: Legends Of Cock, and everything was fine and dandy. Until you look at the game's song list and see that 18 of the songs were already available on Rock Band 2, making Guitar Hero the video game equivalent of a deviantART tracer.

Oh, and the list has Michael Jackson's "Beat It." Seriously. But "Beat It" has a sick solo. But Michael Jackson is WAS (HAHA HE'S DEAD) a pedophile, faggot and an all-around bundle of gay so it still brings about fail.

Guitar Hero also beat Rock Band for the "honor" of featuring Metallica's new album Death Magnetic as DLC, and three songs from Tool. Nothing of value was lost.

Guitar Hero on Nintendo DS

As if releasing an entire game based on the winfest that is Aerosmith wasn't bad enough, Guitar Hero has made it's way onto the DS with two exciting new features to the Guitar Hero experience. First, Activision decided that the guitar controllers weren't retarded enough, so they added a worthless hunk of plastic that forces you to hold your DS in the most convoluted, cramp inducing way possible, ensuring the only thing you accomplish while playing is looking like a tool. (Which is technically the whole idea behind the Guitar Hero series anyway, amirite?) Second, they decided that the song list wasn't Gay enough, so they finally did away with Harmonix's tradition of adding a few bands that can actually play worth a shit. Therefore, out with Bang Camaro and Queens of the Stone Age, and in with such venerable rock legends as Smash Mouth's "All-Star" and Maroon 5's "This Love". FAIL. Bawwwing is expected to commence when Nintendo releases the next version of the DS, which does away with the cartridge slot that you need in order to plug in the worthless hunk of plastic. In short: you won't be able to play Guitar Hero on the DSi.

Guitar Hero: The Black Album

After realizing that 8 months of European DLC probably wasn't the best idea, Activision and Neversoft abandoned World Torr altogether in favor of a new band specific game every three months. While potentially a good business move, they forgot the one thing that keeps Rock Band in business. Instead of allowing you to have all your purchased songs in one centralized location, the game focuses on Metallica-specific features like instantly suing you once you download songs from your console's marketplace. The best songs on GH:TBA are by all the other bands on the list (except Turn the Page).

Guitar Hero: Smash Hits

Guitar Hero: Smash Hits features tracks from every previous Guitar Hero game. Every song on the disc except Through the Fire and Flames is from a pre-GH3 game, proving that GH3, World Torr and every game afterwards were never worth playing in the first place.

Guitar Hero 5

Five weeks after World Torr and two days after The Black Album was released, Activision continued their spamming with Guitar Hero 5. This game offered nothing truly noteworthy to the series and will only be remembered for Kurt Cobain playing right handed on non-Nirvana songs and rapping to Public Enemy. In between chugging Valium and alcohol and hunting for Kurt's killer, Courtney Love posted a barely readable rant about his likeness in the game.

Guitar Hero: Van Halen

Seriously? Nobody fucking listens to Van Halen anymore. The only notable thing about these games is that there could be a new GH game every month for the next 4 years, and they still couldn't catch up to all the songs available on Rock Band.

The game is jam packed with songs by bands that are not Van Halen. This was a necessity because Activision decided that Sammy Hagar was a faggot and none of his songs were any good anyway, so you only get David Lee Roth's songs. And don't think they've forgotten Michael Anthony's faggotry either, he's been kicked to the curb and replaced with Wolfgang Van Halen. You can also look forward to classic rock staples such as "Stacy's Mom," "Pain," and "Best of You."

After the staff at Activision and Neversoft woke up from their drug induced comas and realized that people stopped giving a fuck about Guitar Hero, they responded the only way they could: by taking a game nobody wanted in the first place and giving it away for free if you preorder or purchase Guitar Hero 5 in September, destorying any potential sales the game might have made. Oh, and this offer only applies to people in the USA. Suck it.

This game also broke a new boundary at IGN, it's fail surpassing their normal 8.0 to 10 rating scale and receiving the lowest score ever given out by the website. Read the review.

DJ Hero

DJ Hero is Guitar Hero for n wiggers.

Band Hero

Due to possibly a small amount of paranoia, Guitar Hero now times it's game releases to every Rock Band game release, every new DLC addition, and every Harmonix announcement. Thus, when Lego Rock Band was revealed, Activision and Neversoft threw a bunch of random songs on a disc and timed it to compete. Fitting with the series theme of multiple games in a short period of time and having the same band on the disc three times, Band Hero's setlist includes three Taylor Swift songs and two Fall Out Boy songs.

Warriors of Rock

Activision noticed World of Warcraft was popular and decided to do the same thing only with plastic guitars. It was Guitar Hero only with no means of picking your songs and crappy MMO mechanics slapped on top for the lulz. The rock stars were replaced by elves and Orcs. Fantasy game fans hated it for mixing rock music in with their fantasy settings... something that Led Zeppelin used to do. Guitar game fans hated it for not being an actual Guitar Hero game outside of using a plastic guitar to play. MMO fans hated it for being the only MMO where your only choices are character race and weapon. The guy who wrote the final song of the game was pissed that "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" was the final song because the song is about the hero winning and it was turned into an abomination where the hero is supposed to lose. Much butthurt was had by all.

Scenes you will never see in Guitar Hero

The Who at the Riverfront Coliseum in Cincinnati Ohio in 1979

Great White preforming Desert Moon at The Station nightclub in Rhode Island Feb 20 2003.

Jim Morrison whipping out his penis to the paying crowd at the Dinner Key Auditorium in Miami Florida.

A song where the Jonas Brothers suck each other off.

A special mode where you can rent a luxury hotel suite, do drugs, fuck whores and trash the place and get scored on how much damage you leave with.

Rolling Stones at the 1969 Altamont Music Festival, where you get to hire the Hell Angels for security, for the price of $500 and beer, then a nigger gets killed.

Real Musicians frown upon Guitar Hero

Because of the fact that there are billions of retarded kids, emos, and basement dwellers thinking they are rock gods, many REAL musicians that are famous look down upon Guitar Hero as derp push colorful button and make a sound, I'm a real guitard hero. While few bands like Van Halen, Areo Smith, and Metallica sold out to have exclusive Guitar Hero games, many others haven't caught wind. There has been many accounts of musicians bashing the hell out of the faggotry that is Guitar Hero. Rob Zombie, Jack White, and Prince are among the many who expressed their views of said game to be pathetic and pwning the Guitar Hero players world wide. Fan boys and even small time nobodies typing blogs about games soon raged all over these musicians by calling them posers who don't love music. Fanboys have also claimed that the reason why they are so critical of the most greatest game ever is because they are angry that they don't have there own exclusive Guitar Hero game. This is in fact bullshit and any person who loves music should shoot a Guitar Queero on site if said faggot ever says this in public. In truth, Activision has came to them and proposed them for an exclusive with the musician getting about 2 percent of the making for a game that features their own music.


   
 
WARD: What do you think of Guitar Hero? Did they approach you about using the master tracks?

ZOMBIE: Yeah, I mean they come in and ask to do it, and I think it’s great. I don’t play them, but I think it’s awesome.
 


 
 

—Rob Zombie humoring the press


   
 
if you have to be in a video game to get in front of them, that's a little sad
 

 
 

— Jack White speaking nothing but the truth


   
 
Well, I ain't mad at them. I hear it made, like, $2 billion and they came to us and offered us a very small portion of that. But I just think it's more important that kids learn how to actually play the guitar. It's a tough instrument -- it's not easy. It took me a long time, and it was frustrating at first. And you just have to stick with it, and it's cool for people who don't have time to learn the chords or ain't interested in it, but to play music is one of the greatest things. To create something from nothing is one of the greatest feelings, and I would -- I don't know, I wish it upon everybody. It's heaven.
 

 
 

— Prince, about to hear what it sounds like when fanboys cry

TL;DR Play a real guitar

Gallery

See Also

External Links

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Music

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