Hæti is a Shithole country full of frog-niggers who practice voodoo somewhere in the Caribbean Sea. The former French colony was so poor it had to split an island timeshare with the Dominican Republic. Hæti is primarily known for having exported the first known cases of GRIDS to the U.S.A., as well as hordes of taxi drivers to Miami Beach. Daily, one can experience rape, machete beheadings, and dirt cookies. Hæti was also responsible for that delightful "rapper" Wyclef Jean. After a recent quake liberals started talking about how we need to help Haiti since they had no water or food. However they forget that it's fucking Haiti, they've never had food or water!!!11oneoneone.
Shaken, not stirred
Natural disasters are God's way of teaching Americunts geography and with that, on January 13, 2010, God got Roland Emmerich to destroy Hæti for the director's cut of his 2012 DVD in an attempt to divert the media from its ongoing obsession with Avatar and Tiger Wood's dong. In the process, 1,000,000 already half-dead slaves perished as the whole fucking country fell into a giant hole in the ground AND NOTHING OF VALUE WAS LOST.
It wasn't long before all twelve million WoWfags cried foul because Hæti got the new Cataclysm expansion before anyone else.
Over the next few days, the global community scrambled to rush rescue efforts to the proud island nation until footage revealed that it was entirely populated by niggers. Rescue efforts slowed almost immediately, leaving thousands of proud citizens to wait patiently in the streets.
Eventually, various countries had to send soldiers to maintain law and order among the Hætians, who were beginning to lose patience with the rescuers for taking nearly three days to build a country out of pure shit capable of receiving air and sea transport to render aid and assistance. President Obama felt a disturbance in The Force, as if 50,000 people cried out at once, and the world just fucking watched. The President promised an initial 100 million dollars in aid, since aid was something 1 in 20 Hætians were already good at. Rescue workers, however, were becoming concerned that the natives would soon revert to their recent history of becoming impatient; to wit: a murderous spree of riots, mayhem, and anarchy. In short, the rescuers were in dread fear of Hæti quickly devolving into Detroit, which was already shown to be completely beyond the capability of the combined militaries of every country on Earth to control.
It became clear to the U.N. peacekeepers, U.S. Army and Coast Guard that the niggers were becoming unstable from being deprived of the most essential resource that the earthquake had taken from them, and the only way to bring them under control was to replenish it immediately. The U.N. and U.S. immediately moved to restore the sole and vital commodity that would pacify the beasts, and immediately rounded up and shipped hundreds of caring, qualified nurses to the island.
Rescue workers could be seen wearing masks during the efforts to prevent what they thought was the stench of 50,000 dead niggers lying in the streets rotting in the tropical heat, until locals from the neighboring country of the Dominican Republic explained to them that Hætians always smelled that way, and the only way to stop the smell would be to leave the island and let God finish what he started.
Immediate reversion to animal instinct
The Hætians nonetheless became hostile and began fighting and rioting. Since riots and gang-wars in the street had occurred every Monday since the French had ditched them there 200 years earlier, the violence didn't immediately get broad news coverage. It was thought that maybe they were rioting due to the sluggish pace of rescue, however it was later discovered that the natives had learned that American rapper and Hætian-American Wyclef Jean had arrived to show-boat his concern (for the same shit-hole he abandoned ) on the news-cameras. When the natives learned this, they were outraged Wyclef had returned and couldn't be mollified until it was made clear that Wyclef was there to allegedly help, not perform, proving that even island-dwelling apes have standards not yet apparent in American pop-music.
World leaders united in various efforts to save the suffering nation, or at least entertain them until their talk of coming to Miami and New Orleans had died down. President Clinton and George Bush formed a foundation to collect money for the Hætians, but mostly for the lulz that the two could share from both still showing more popularity and leadership than the sitting president Obama . The president of Hæti, Préval publicly insisted (from his collapsed palace) that control of his nation remained indisputably his, but allowed the U.S. to treat the injured, feed his country, enforce law, clear the rubble, repair the damage and restore more services to the capital than they actually had to begin with, provided that someone else pay for it all. In other words, nothing changed from the last 100 years. Cuba allowed the U.S. to cross their air-space to transport supplies, the Dominican Republic agreed to help treat the wounded, Canada relaxed it's Hætian refugee policies and China, after a few long and intense diplomatic negotiations, was finally convinced to send a card and fruit-basket.
Ultimately, Hæti suffered mass starvation, the complete destruction of their land, a total lack of economy, massive joblessness, over half the population living in shacks and tents, a dearth of clean water, no electricity, no public services of any kind, a complete massacre of their government, billions in debt to other countries, collapsed schools, destroyed hospitals, rampant disease, gang rule, open crime in the streets and the general decimation of any civilization whatsoever. Needless to say, the earthquake that followed later only slightly improved their condition via western aid.
Respecting the Dead (FKA Dead Nigger Storage)
After the earthquake, the locals were faced with the immediate task of finding food, water and shelter. What was not considered, though, was what would happen to 100,000 dead people when you leave them in the sun for several days. Soon, the streets were filled with the stench of rotting corpses, some buried under rubble, but most simply left in the streets for the buzzards to feast on. At least someone came out on top in this shit.
Several methods of getting rid of the corpses were tried, and all but throwing them into a ditch proved to be unsuccessful. Some preparations for the dead included:
- A Christian burial - unfortunately, the 5 morticians on the island (3 were from the DR) were not equipped to prepare and bury 100,000 dead people in one day, so very few bodies saw the inside of a coffin. Couple this with the extreme poverty, and the fact entire families died at once, and you can see why mass graves were the final solution.
- Burning the bodies - the methodology was fairly simple: pile the bodies on top of trash, and set them alight. These fires never burnt hot enough to actually destroy a body, so streets became littered with seared corpses rather than neat piles of ash.
- Mass graves - this was the final way of disposing of bodies, which could have been quite humane if the locals didn't use dump trucks and bulldozers to shift the bodies. Once in the ground, the bodies were covered with building rubble and dirt. Bon appetite!
The New Golden Age of Hæti
Less than a week after the quake, Hæti entered its first golden age. The GNP of the country rose to never before seen record levels as bleeding heart liberal hippy faggots continue to empty their recession ridden wallets into a country nobody is supposed to give a fuck about. The outpouring of money and support is largely attributed to residual white guilt that should have been eradicated after making a black person President. The future of Hæti looks brighter than ever, thanks in part to a massive food drive to import massive amounts of fried chicken, watermelon, birth control pills, and grape soda. Wyclef Jean's efforts to intercept the shipment as payment for his benefit concerts were thwarted repeatedly by Anderson Cooper, the gayest man in news, and hero of nigglets that get hit in the face with bricks everywhere.
With over a million dead niggers, tons of money coming in for no reason, free handouts, and soldiers keeping all the jungle bunnies from raping and killing each other, like normal, Hæti has already surpassed pre-quake conditions, and is well on its way to overtaking that other country run by former nigger slaves that proves black people shouldn't be put in charge of anything important in the list of places to vacation if you want to get AIDS.
Batshit insane televangelist God fanboi (and former U.S. President wannabe) Pat Robertson knows THE TRUTH! On his Jan. 14th Christian Broadcasting Network show The 700 Club, he revealed that the massive earthquake was - in fact - divine retribution from a pact Hædiots made with the Devil when Hæti freed itself from French colonial rule.
See, in 1791, /i/insurgent slaves in Hæti began a revolt against their French white devil massa. Led by a voodoo priest, this is considered to have been the spark that the uppity nigras needed to get revolting and ultimately expel the Frogs and established the Republic of Hæti in 1804. To celebrate, the slaves started a tradition of throwing a voodoo ritual in which they slaughtered a pig and drank its blood and performed dance-offs to see who the Head Nigga In Charge would be for the following year. They then made their pact with the Devil: if he would keep their people from the French, they would serve evil spirits on the island for the next 200 years. So by dedicating themselves to Satan they caused the poverty and all the other bad shit that's plagued Hæti since the bond was formed. This also explains Killhamster working for Time Warner Cable and ED's financial woes.
Or perhaps they just listened to too much disco music, which made God angry.
—Danny Glover • WAT?
Lieking Mudkips is one thing, but....
Haitians. Eat. Mud. Cookies. OMFGWTFBBQ!!!!
This just in. Haitians want the USA to take over the government.
Perhaps considered the fastest way to go to hell, this can be coupled with trying to get tits from strangers.
Christians to the rescue
- So i heerd you liek dead haitians
- George Bush doesn't care about black people
- Anderson Cooper Loves Hæt
- George Bush doesn't care about brown people
- I'd Hit It
- Cary Goulston