Halo, is an overrated, over-hyped FPS game with outdated controls, terrible graphics, shitty characters, and a convoluted storyline that was once considered "good" only because most gamers have never opened a fucking book. The online multiplayer is scientifically designed to get on your nerves. The storyline also ripped off some shitty 1970's book called Ringworld, that nobody cared about, and also ripped off vehicles, designs, and Sgt. Apone (Johnson) from Aliens, which everyone did care about. The game was credited for saving Microsoft's Xbox from going straight down the drain.
- 1 Games
- 2 Characters
- 3 Novels
- 4 Halo: Legends
- 5 Fanboys
- 6 Gallery
- 7 See Also
- 8 External Links
Halo: Combat Evolved
The original Halo was known for being the only "good" Xbox game that wasn't available on other platforms. It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its great level design that repeated the same goddamn gray corridor every 30 feet, which cut loading times. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play through each level BACKWARDS!
The original story involved the Master Chief, a 26th century Spartan, who killed a fucktonne of space muslims and stopped a giant ring in outer space from fucking up everyone's shit, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.
It was also notable for having a handgun that could headshot people from literally half a mile away. Every multiplayer game became a chorus of moans and profanity as just getting within 500 yards of a competent player would result in death.
If the player completed the game on Legendary difficulty, he was rewarded by a nigger and an elite hugging. Bungie's innovative trend of rewarding effort with bestiality never really caught on with other developers.
A shitty port of Halo to the PC. Despite the dated graphics, you needed a "high-end" PC to run it decently. The only reason you would want to play Halo PC is for the single-player campaign, as the multiplayer is complete ass. No votekick, no voice chat, laggy online play, and a community of retards.
Halo Lag Edition (a.k.a. Halo Trial)
And you thought that Halo PC was laggy? Then you'll want to try the Halo Trial, which has the worst netcode in the history of online multiplayer games. Forget playing this freeware demo; it's hardly even a game since it doesn't even work. And if you do manage to get the multiplayer to work by buying the fastest internet connection possible, you'll meet players even more annoying and idiotic than the ones who play the full version. The only thing the Halo trial is good for is the one campaign level that it comes with, but the fun of the campaign level quickly diminishes after you save and quit, sit through the 20-minute video of Sgt Johnson screaming at you to buy several copies of the full game, then come back later only to find that the trial doesn't actually save your game.
Halo Custom Edition
Another shitty port of Halo to the PC, only with no campaign mode and the ability to play poorly-made custom maps. Gearbox Software released some shitty hack tools to go along with Halo CE so you can make your own maps. However, there are really only 3 known custom maps in existence. Because of the lack of good modding tools, many Halo CE fans decided to make their own hack tools, which are almost better than the Gearbox ones, aside from the fact that nearly all of them were written with .NET Framework and have constant exception errors or just don't work at all. Before Halo 2 for Vista came out, some maps ported from the Xbox version turned Halo CE into the poor man's Halo 2 multiplayer.
Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to fuck it up beyond all recognition. They took all of the redeeming qualities of the original and used them as enemas to get more "innovative" content out for the new game. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were non-existent, the weapons were shit, and the singleplayer levels were only slightly less shitty. Unfortunately, the 1000 years spent in MS Paint to improve those levels resulted in the multiplayer levels suffering tremendously. The game somehow sold even more copies than the first, and millions of 13-year-olds blindly embraced it as a gift from God.
While the story of the first Halo was passable, the story of the second was riddled with plot holes, like how the Covenant somehow find Earth and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring, or how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.
Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character—The Arbiter—a Covenant warrior who was shunned by his people for letting the Master Chief blow up the first ring.
We also get introduced to a stupid bitch who (despite being shown piloting extremely recklessly) somehow became a captain, some prophets, the aforementioned Venus fly trap, and an entirely new alien race that suddenly spread throughout the entire universe and took over the Covenant overnight.
Halo 2 was one of the first and most popular games for Xbox Live. Unfortunately, its multiplayer had even more holes than its storyline. Countless glitches existed, the most notable of which was the ability of the player to become a rubber bouncy ball and escape the map boundaries. Master Rusemen found ways to exploit the networking and force people to endure unbearable lag and random bullshit like tanks being destroyed with a single shot from a sniper rifle, sword attacks from impossible distances, etc.
Halo 2's design improvements, such as the ability to hold two guns at once, were hailed as innovative, new, and totally original by people who had never played Marathon, Goldeneye, Unreal Tournament or Perfect Dark.
Halo 2 Vista
A shitty port of Halo 2 to the PC. It was exactly the same as Halo 2 for the Xbox, except it has better graphics and a map editor. To get the ability to play a three year old Xbox game, all you had to do was downgrade to Vista.
Microsoft tried to jew the community by claiming that Halo 2 needed DirectX10 in order to run, which is why it required Vista. Deeply unamused, the community quickly released a patch which installed the game on XP with a framerate increase. Microsoft became butthurt and refused to release any more Halo games on PC.
Johnson dies. By the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered... right? Wrong. There are so many plot holes and random shit happening that anyone who didn't throw his Xbox 360 into the trash is probably a casual to the highest degree.
But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about mindless zombie run'n'gun multiplayer! Halo 3's multiplayer, while much more polished than Halo 2's, still left much to be desired... or it least it would have, if the target demographic didn't have the collective attention span of a squirrel. Many of the old glitches were replaced by new "features," such as the ability to be killed by a traffic cone, despite the half-ton, energy-shielded armor suit you're wearing.
Two new things that Bungie added were a map/gametype maker and the ability to record matches and make screenshots. The theater caused the internet to be flooded with incredibly shitty videos of 13-year-olds doing retarded things while trying to imitate the mosquito ringtone through their mics. Halo 3's map/gametype maker, while a good idea in theory, was crippled by Bungie's incompetence. Despite this, every person who had ever picked up an Xbox controller immediately set out to create the best maps and modes ever, which resulted in thousands of "super speed, low gravity, insta-death weapons" gametypes.
An attempt at making a fun console RTS. Despite being only slightly more complex than your average tower defense game, it was too much to handle for most of the Xbox Live crowd. Much rage and butthurt was directed at Bungie, despite the fact that Bungie didn't even make it.
It quickly lost its playerbase due to the above-mentioned quality and the fact that each leader had a special power that, if spammed well enough, could win the game no matter what, which caused the few people who could play it to quit out of boredom.
Halo 3: ODST
Halo 3: ODST was a typical Jewish scheme to sell somebody the same product twice with a new package. Basically, it was Halo 3 without energy shields.
Microsoft finally decided to cash in on the Cock of Duty bandwagon by making CoD with energy shields, AKA Halo: Reach.
Halo: Combat Evolved 2.0
Another attempt by Bill Gates to copy Steve Job's marketing strategy. Comparable to OOT's Master Quest.
After 4 years of chronic masterbation, Chief wakes up in the shipwreck from the last game and finds himself crashing into Requiem. A giant robot planet with giant robot orgies and plants. Masterchief awakens the Didact, who is this oldfag that commits mass lollercaust to build his army of robots. A big dildo ship called Infinity crashes on the planet and fucks off again because Captain Del Rio is a pussy. The Covenant unite with their gods, Chief pwns the Didact with a grenade to the face, Cortana dies, fanboys bawww.
The Campaign is continued with Spartan Ops. A shitty episodic series which is nothing more than coop firefight with less replayability and a generic objective. Repeated over 9000 times! The cinematic story runs aside the missions and goes as follows. Infinity fucks back to Requiem after crying for 6 months around Earth. Spartans go full lollercaust on covis and prometheans. Palmer is a bitch to Halsey, resulting in having Halsey's oldfag arm shot off, and captured by the Covenant along with half of a special key that tells you where the Forerunner's secret weed stash is. Also, Requiem plummets into sun and ends in a big explosion.
If you try to play the multiplayer, you will find yourself foaming from the mouth in rage. If you somehow manage to get a high K/D in the game, you will constantly be playing against MLG faggots that try their hardest to ruin the game for others and will make you rage so hard that you will become extremely violent in person and will kill anyone that gets in your way.
If you want to break all of your controllers and even your Xbox, or become an enraged mass murdering killing machine, this is the game for you.
To add to it being the most infuriating game ever, it is also the most broken game ever. 343i studios (fun fact, 343i translates to the largest collection of retards on the planet) is incapable of making a simple proper kill cam system (which even the chimps that make call of d00ty have figured out how to make work), they are incapable of balancing weapons, incapable of launching proper updates to fix the game, they are so boring that they copy COD garbage, thought that ordinance was some how a good idea, and are so bad at making maps that they some how managed to fuck up Valhalla from Halo 3. The worse fuck up that 343i thought was a good idea was the ranking system, which completely ruins the game all on its own. Nobody knows how it works. You can be the starting level in multiplayer and you can be still be placed in games against +100 SR level no-lives, in which they will then start raping your asshole into a bloody pulp. If you are some how able to get a high K/D, multiply the previous sentence by a thousand.
Not only is the multiplayer completely and utterly broken, but Spartan Ops takes the word "broken" to a whole other level. 343i thought it be a good idea to copy maps straight out of the campaign and pass them off in Spartan Ops, where you will play on the same maps 20+ times in a row. To make that boring, repetitive situation even worse, 343i thought it be a good idea to make elites 8 feet tall ninjas with shields more powerful than the bullet proof armor that you would find on a modern day tank. Not only is that annoying when it comes to a single elite, to make things worse 343i has no sense of balance when it comes to how much AI you will play at once, so when ever you have to go against an elite, you will find yourself fighting off several armadas of elites, along side entire armies of grunts and jackals, and if you're lucky, 4+ hunters all at once.
Words cant describe whats its like trying to play against entire space-time bending, intergalactic Promethean empires.
Oh and eggheads.
Halo 5: Guardians
So it's been a few months since Chief fucked up Didact and lost his blue cybernetic sex doll, and he's been palling around with his bros and hos on vacation (i.e. shoving their fists down alien scums' throats; love what you do!). But it turns out that even in death the blue chick won't leave him alone and tells him to get his ass to Meridian, a colony of hicks who keep reminding you that the South will rise again.
Meanwhile, there's another squad of super-special Spartans, Fireteam Osiris, who also get their lulz in the mass murder of space Muslims. Made up of a Brute, Buck the ODST-turned-sellout, and two vaginas (a black chick and a girl who keeps flooding her armor whenever she thinks about sweet sangheili cock), they're tasked with finding the AWOL Blue Team and bringing them to justice. They follow Chief to the South-in-Space, where an AI with alzheimers alternates between insulting the demigods and crying for their help, before confronting Cortana's fucktoy Warden Eternal and then Chief and Co. themselves. After breaking Chief's glasses, the Brute gets the absolute shit kicked out of him by the pissed off Space Jesus who hitches a ride on a Guardian and leaves Osiris to think about what they've done.
So we all knew Cortana wouldn't stay dead, right? Like, who didn't. But what we didn't know was that she would come back as a Nazi bent on bringing peace and order to the galaxy. So Chief has to fight his way through Warden's legions (how is she planning on ruling the galaxy when she can't even control one horny Ultron knockoff?) to reach her while she reminds him how sweet dat robo pussy is. When Chief finds her he tells her to cut the shit and get back in the kitchen, but she puts him and his pals inside a big floating soccerball for a 10,000-Year nap until she whips things into shape.
Meantime, Osirirs visits Arbiter, who as it turns out, also gets his kicks shoving a long, hard sword deep into the Covenant's quivering, warm flesh. And after a few years of being the butt of the official galactic pastime, there's only one place left where the dirty Muslims can hide; so you get to help the biggest hunk on Sanghelios put the absolute beatdown on the last Covie bastards while hijacking a Guardian to find Chief and apologize for being so disrespectful. Despite Warden and his army fucking shit up, and Vale distracting Arbiter's troops with blowjobs and creampies, you manage to climb aboard and head off while Arbiter's troops finish buttfucking Covies as they beg for mercy.
They get to Cortana's base and meet Guilty Spark's less-retarded sister, who immediately captured the fanbases' hearts by tossing you a tank and gushing over how good you are at killing bitches. You fight your way through robots and Covies who are too busy cumming over being in heaven to realize they just got royally rekt by Galactic Hunk #1 Thel 'Vadam, and manage to snag Chief and Co. while Cortana flies away in a RAGE to take over Earth and beyond with her army of Death Star-sized angels. In the end, Chief gets together with his bro Arbiter and mother/kidnapper to discuss how best to make Cortana chill out.
Commonly referred to as the best Halo yet.
- Master Chief: Pretty cool guy who has a shield that absorbs damage to make up for the fact that his billion-dollar, half-ton, state-of-the-art armor suit can't even stop handgun rounds.
- Cortana: Annoying bitch whose job it is to be the Master Chief's Navi. Dies in the fourth game.
- Captain Keyes: A wise old captain. Dies in the first game due to being assimilated into the Proto-Gravemind.
- Sargent Johnson: A sassy nigger. Dies in the third game.
- 343 Guilty Spark: A gay robot that floats around. Is jealous that he can't be Master Chief's Navi. Dies in the third game.
- Miranda Keyes: Typical woman pilot. Dies in the third game.
- The Arbiter: A small dinosaur that you get to control. Becomes an atheist after listening to Richard Dawkins and turns on the Covenant. Voted "Sexiest Person of All Time"; capable of making women cum just by ordering them to make him a damn sandwich. Can cause enemies to defect just by flexing his pecs (it's canon, look it up).
- The Prophets: Catholic priests who get bored with molesting grunts and decide to blow up the universe. Were once "Sexiest Species in the Galaxy" before the Forerunners came along, shot down their brothels, and made them start worshiping old people. Thanks, Forerunners.
- Gravemind: Audrey II.
Friends and Enemies
Marines: These dumb mother fuckers enjoy long walks on the beach, driving into rocks, driving off cliffs, shooting at rocks and generally shooting at anything besides the enemy. They stroke Master Chief's massive cock any chance they get and even have wet dreams about him. They rely on him to save their asses through out the whole game and have no idea what they're doing.
Oh, and don't try attack them, because apparently they are enraged by you turning on them and juice themselves up with magic damage potions.
The Covenant: Religious zealots whose sole purpose is to kill off the humans. The Covenant is made up of several different species, two or three of which magically appear out of nowhere during the storyline. Despite having immense technological and numerical advantages, they manage to fuck up the attack on Earth and fail miserably.
Forerunners: Ancient aliens who died a long time ago. Faggots will tell you that humans are descended from them, but that's just about as retarded as saying that the ancient Egyptians were black. They created the Halos and for some reason captured but didn't kill the flood before they died. Turns out they're also kinda assholes for the most part whose own parents decided they'd better have a post-natal abortion, before the Forerunners threw a fit and killed most of them.
Flood: Nigger version of the Borg. When enough of them have an orgy together, they create a Gravemind. Revealed to be the descendants of the godlike Precursors who created every living being, until Forerunners pissed them off with attempted genocide and decided to cause pain and suffering for everyone forever and always after. Thanks, Forerunners.
Someone, realizing that bored 13-year-olds would need something to do while being grounded for trash-talking on Xbox Live, decided to create books for them to read. They're only slightly better than your average fanfic.
Fall of Reach
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away Humanity has spread across the galaxy like some sort of sick fungus, led by the UNSC. Some colonies have gotten pissy about taxation without representation or major abuse or some shit and threaten to rebel, with Insurrectionists bombing shit left and right (fun fact: guess what year this shit was released!) So after pursuing peace through reasonable dialogue and exhausting all efforts to peacefully negate aggression, the genius Mary Sue Doctor Halsey abducts a bunch of kids to turn into war machines and assassinate anyone who stands in the UNSC's way.
If course, that would hit too close to home for the Amerifats who play this shit, so they only get in one good mission. Then a hoard of alien called the Covenant shows up from nowhere with a boner for melting planets, see how ridiculously unethical humanity is being, and decide to kill them for
Allah the Forerunners. Once again we've got to remind you that this came out right after 9/11, so "subtlety" wasn't a priority beside "revenge fantasy". Anyway, these Islamists-in-space start wrecking the absolute shit out of humanity, while the UNSC squeal like bitches and pray to God that the Covenant doesn't find their really good shit on Reach.
For the rest of the plot, read the damn title.
A shitty adaption of Combat Evolved. Just go play the fucking game, there's nothing to see here.
So after the Halo gets btfo Chief gets some alone time with Cortana drifting in space. After he gets tired fucking the USB slot he decides it's about time to grab something exotic and fuck back off to Reach. So he grabs that one black guy who isn't dead for some reason and borrows a supercarrier from its understanding captain. When he gets back to Reach he picks up some of his bros and hos and steals some magical time-warping MacGuffin... you know what, nothing really happens here, the point is he kills a few aliens and gets back to earth eventually.
Why ruin the gaming world when you can ruin the cinematic one too? That's right, someone thought it was a good idea to make Halo an anime. The video itself is comprised of peoples sob stories. The only thing good about it is that it FINALLY explains what the fuck is happening in the Halo story line. All the stories are shit. One is based on Dragon Ball Z and another is horribly filter raped.
A small shitstorm ensued on Halo forums when a picture of a teddy bear key-chain started popping up in relation to one of the collaboration videos called Homecoming. This caused all the 13-year-olds to collectively shit brix at the thought that maybe their hyper-masculine franchise might have a sensitive side to it.
Despite its lack of Italian plumbers and blue hedgehogs, Halo may be the most fanboyed game of all time. This is evidenced by all of the inexcusably shitty edits made to this page, and all the MASTER CHIEF VS MARIO VS SONIC flash cartoons on Newgrounds.
- An honest and true review of Halo 3.
- Basement dweller pwned parents because they took away his Gaylo 3. It is not known whether he teabagged them after the deed or not.
- The worst fanfiction of all time
- Typical Halo fanboys
Halo is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.