"Hamsters" are supposedly cute, fuzzy little rodents that will entertain lonely little basement dwellers and do their bidding. This is a lie. Hamsters are really smelly little tailless rats that will crap all over your bed, use you for food, and sleep all day without giving a fuck when you want to play with it. However, homosexuals have found a good use for hamsters.
Fat, tailless rats that bite
This basically sums up a hamster during daylight hours. Much like any standard whore, hamsters are nocturnal, and don't want to be bothered during that day. If you take it out of its little bedding-filled nest during this time it will act confused and blink at the sunlight, crap all over your hand, and then bite said hand.
Now, there are three standard procedures that can be followed after the aforementioned incident:
- Ignorance Method Look at that fucking hamster. It's so fucking adorable oh my god. Look as it curls into a little ball of deliciousness and eats that fucking huge piece of broccoli that I gave it. This thing would never hurt me, that bite was probably an accident. I will continue to play with it calmly and treat it with respect, as it is a living creature and deserves my love.
LA Times News Story from 1997
- "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
- "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
- At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
- Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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Bad things that happen to animals