Hans Reiser

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"I like it when they put it in my pooper" --Hans on prison life
Hans outside WTC on the morning of 9/11. lol.
No relation to lulz-killer Paul Reiser, although he also raped and killed a girl in 1990.
Actual footage of his wife Nina Reiser with her boyfriend

Hans Thomas Reiser, a bankrupt Junior High dropout getting buttfucked in prison, invented ReiserFS, the worst filesystem for Linux ever. The fact that he named the filesystem after himself proves that he is a tool like Linus Torvalds, only crazier. It has been verified on several occasions that this Jew has social skills equivalent to an eggplant. He could not cope with the rejection of his Reiser4 file system by the Lunix community and thus killed his wife.

He also farted in a police officer's face.

PASTA:"The officer also testified the defendant flatulated in his face when the authorities were snapping nude photos of him Sept. 28, 2006. The officer said Reiser told him: "’You’re about to experience chaos’ and, for lack of a better term, he farted in my face."

Jurors snickered and the defendant grinned."

Comparison of ReiserFS to other file systems

File system Hardlinks Block journaling Case sensitive File change log Murders your wife
VMFS3 Yes No Yes No No
Lustre Yes Yes Yes No No
HFS Plus Partial No Partial Yes No
ReiserFS Yes Yes Yes No Yes


  • 1999: Hans started working on sucking Linux kernel
  • 2001: Started trolling in the mailing lists
  • 2004: Became almost unbearable [1]
  • Late 2004: Wife Nina Reiser left him after a night of extreme BDSM with Tove Torvalds
  • 2006: Murders Nina!!!
  • Last Thursday lol convicted.
  • 2008: find ./ravine -name "deadbody" -user hans

Pulling an OJ

After realizing he had no competition against Nina's new boyfriend who is a hardcore BDSM practitioner he went to e-court and said:

(Nina) has exposed our children to a person who is mentally disturbed and a danger to the children. This person ... is a heavy practitioner of sado-masochistic sexual behavior.[2]

He later decided to take the last measure. It is now alleged that this guy permabanned his wife from IRL.

Paul Reiser connection

It runs in the family

It has been discovered by Internet Detectives that Paul Reiser, brother of Hans is also involved in various BDSM activities, namely death yoga.

People on Hans Reiser

  • He says she disappeared on her own, you know. That does bring a question to mind: How the hell do you write a system to keep track of all your piddly little files and lose track of YOUR WIFE? -- mr_mischief (Slashdot)
  • it just confirms that reiserfs is truly a killer filesystem. -- commodoresloat (Slashdot)
  • If he couldn't be bothered to clean up blood from his car and to get rid of his books on homicide, how the hell can we trust this guy to free memory on the heap? -- ez76 (Slashdot)
  • If ReiserFS uses a magic value somewhere, I suggest it to be changed to 0xDEADBABE. -- Mr2cents (Slashdot)
  • Who the hell commits a crime with pair of books on crime in their vehicle, and then leave it all there for someone to find. Programmers know too much about allocation and management of objects to not destroy them when its detrimental they no longer exist. -- Adambomb (Slashdot)
    • Maybe he was foiled by non-deterministic Garbage Collection. -- Asztal (Slashdot)
  • I'm sure you'll find that our good friend Hans has no record of this ever taking place. -- BadAnalogyGuy (Slashdot)
  • She's in the lost+found. No big deal. -- Anonymous Coward (Slashdot)
  • Prison is for punishment. He should be forced to write Windows software. :-) -- Anon E. Muss (Slashdot)
  • He didn't directly kill her... He was trying to explain why reiserfs was better than ext4 and her head exploded. -- Anonymous Coward (Slashdot)
  • I wonder if Reiser 4 "file" system is hidden inside of a cake. -- Chapter80 (Slashdot)

Geek defense

It was proposed that Hans Reiser used the geek defense argument;

  1. Killing ones wife requires having a wife to kill.
  2. The accused is a geek.
  3. Geeks cannot have wives.
  4. The defense rests.

Reiser's attorneys also stated in court that his fursona was a duck-billed platypus.

LOL Convicted

Reiser tries to explain how Nina's blood ended up his car. Note the incredulous reactions when he said that it was from having sex with the woman he hated.
"At least no one will ever realize I'm a pedo"

In March 2008, Reiser was found guilty of First Degree Murder, his own Defense Attorney describing the verdict as a reaction to Hans' conduct during the trial, which often elicited laughter and disbelief from the jurors. When taking the stand in his own defense, Reiser offered such gems as "This whole [case] is silly," and "I have a compulsive tendency to say things that I know are true that people don't want to be true." A legal expert said that Reiser "filled in the blanks for the prosecution. There was nothing left for the jury to consider." He even managed to annoy the Judge who told him:

You are rude. You are arrogant. There's not enough words in the English language to describe the way you are. You have been trying to make a mockery of these proceedings.


—Judge Goodman

Actually the judge only needed one word to describe him. Guilty. In a display of massive fail, Reiser's reaction to the verdict was "I've been the best father that I know how" "Although", he added, "I probably could have been a better husband." Like say, by not killing your wife?

Hans is currently an inmate at Pleasant Valley State Prison, California; admission date 09/05/2008. His California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation number is G31008 which you can search here(warning: will complain about invalid certificate, add the exception), prison address on Jewgle maps here. The cunt is 50 years old now.

Reaction to verdict

  • Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about sleeping in a Honda anymore... --mugwomp
  • Unless they find him innocent, they'll probably find him guilty. --StukaFox
  • He was found guilty. Another failure of the American justice system. A person is found guilty with no physical evidence. Not that he didn't act oddly or even a little guilty, but there was reasonable doubt. This is a sad dark day for our country. OJ walks but Reiser is convicted. Wow. Just wow. --grope4luna
  • "You are rude," he said. "You are arrogant. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the way you are." There are two words: Asperger Syndrome. What we are seeing here is bullying, at some extreme degree.
  • weird that the "platypus screw job" defense could possibly fail --ambrose_bierce
  • Who's Hans Reiser ? --slakno

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Featured article December 6, 2006
Preceded by
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