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Hanukkah aka חֲנֻכָּה‎ is a special holiday that is celebrated by all the Jews in the world. They say that it is to celebrate how they escaped persecution from the Egyptians or persecution from the Nazis or something about burning candles yada yada yada, but the truth is that when Christmas was invented, the Jews were feeling jealous and left out that they don't get a holiday celebrating their beliefs or getting presents. Thus, Hanukkah was born! Every Jew will tell you Hanukkah is different from all the other holidays, but in reality it's just a knock-off mix-fusion of Christmas and Kwanzaa. Hanukkah in their language means "dedication."


What it's all about

The holiday that sounds like you're clearing your throat begins when the Sun sets instead of the morning because they are more active at night. Celebrations are kicked into the stratosphere by the lighting a stolen Kwanzaa "Kinara" Jewish "Menorah." they light just 1 candle on that thing every night for 8 days. On the last day when the 8th candle is lit, Hanukkah magically transforms into Christmas complete with annoying extended family, god-awful singing, blowing out the candles to make a wish and opening presents.

Typically they leave the candles to burn themselves out because they are too busy counting your money and whining. During the 8 days, the Jews complain about a lot of things such as how there is only a Christmas tree in the airport and not their cute looking candles. It is a proven fact that they celebrate Hanukkah to remember that they did 9/11 and the lollercaust. Any Jew you ask will lie and say that it is celebrated because they were able to run away from YET ANOTHER oppressive force that was smashing them down due to their religion. Jewfags use it as excuse to stay home from school or work for a week.

Stop trying to make the people who Celebrate Christmas jealous! YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

The Eight Days of Hanukkah

Day 1: Lighting of the First Candle and The Worship of Money

Day 2: Lighting of the Second Candle and The Genocide of the Arabs in the nearby areas

Day 3: Theft of the Third Candle by another Jewish Family

Day 4: Lighting of the Fourth Candle and remembrance of the Holocaust

Day 5: Lighting of the Fifth Candle and Partying in honor of 9/11

Day 6: Lighting of the Sixth Candle and still partying about 9/11

Day 7: Lighting of the Seventh Candle and ????

Day 8: Lighting of the Eighth Candle and PROFIT!

Songs of Hanukkah

Phlegmy and incomprehensible songs are usually sung while das Juden are lighting their magic candles. One of them is "Hanerot Hallalu" which they chant often to drive the spirits of Muslims and Hitler away. Another one is "Rock of Ages" where they sing that Jews invented Rock n' Roll.

People that want this Holiday Banhammered

Did you know?

Hanukkah is preferably spelled Chanukah? Try to say it too like any Jew: ACKHWNKH'.

  • It's a minor holiday, not like a serious one like Yom Kippur.
  • Kids get presents 8 straight days in a row (not just dreidels) (just fucking dreidels).

See Also

External Links

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Featured article December 12 & 13, 2015
Preceded by
Whitney Wisconsin
Hanukkah Succeeded by
Adam Lanza