Harlan Ellison

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An exerpt from Harlan's everyday life.

In a world where people pay thousands of dollars to submit themselves to black person labor, brainwashing and group therapy, its no surprise anyone that can write star trek fanfiction can rise over the general sci fi community.

Harlan Ellison (AKA Harblan, L Ron's buttbuddy, or that fucking midget) is a jewish science fiction writer of meager success that achieved IRL and E-fame for writing over 1000 short stories, novellas, screenplays, teleplays, essays and criticising anyone that achieved more success than he did. He's even more famous, though, due to his whiny, failed attempts at sounding serious and overall being full of shit.

Harlan is also known for fagging it up on jewtube and having a small legion of fans on it and quoting himself on his website (see below).


Biography

Harlan, seen here with his mom.

Harblan Ellison was born at least 100 years ago in Cleveland, Ohio from Jewish parents (which actually explains a lot). They moved to Painesville some time later, but returned to Cleveland once again following the death of his father and because they couldn't stop there.

As he grew up, Harlan ran away from home several times because his widow mom wouldn't buy him a nes and proceeded to take on a wide variety of odd jobs, from dynamite truck driver to being a hired gun for a rich, insane man. Of course, these claims are dubious at best. Its more than obvious that this midget is just a walking, reeking can of fail desperate for some attention.

Later on he'd join local university, were he'd stay for 18 months before being expelled. He claims it was for going batshit insane and hitting a professor for lolling at his writing skills, but it was really because he couldn't keep up to the university's standards. For the next forty or so years, he's send to said teacher a copy of every one of his works out of sheer raeg, but mostly because he had nothing better to do.

Harley would later move to New York to achieve great success as a science fiction writer, ending up publishing more than 100 short stories and articles over a period of 2 years. In an unsurprising twist, Harly also wrote several erotic stories, including the ironically named "God Bless the Ugly Virgin", in which he depicts his own sexual life, which was later published in a gay magazine in LA under the pseudonym Cordwainer Bird.

During that time, Harlan married some bitch, divorcing her some months later because the effects of the drugs he had given her had finally worn off and she realized she had married an ugly midget who didn't have a real job and was unable to do anything marginally pleasurable in bed. After that, he'd start writing about youth gangs, and even join one in order to get closer to its members. Did I mention they nicknamed him "Cheech Beldone"?

After having lots of great times following children through the streets of New York, Harlan go drafted into the army, in which he served for 2 years and got back to NY to write for rogue magazine.

Today Harley mostly occupies himself with filling internet lawsuits against pretty much anything and everything, writing articles on his pseudo-blog, and fagging it up on the jewtube.

Personality

As we would expect from the fugly, unholy spawn of a Jew mother, Harlan's got a personality that could be described as frivolous, Jew and abrasive. In one of his books, he even declares himself as "possibly the most contentious person on Earth".


   
 
"Harlan uses his gifts for colorful and variegated invective on those who irritate him — intrusive fans, Jew, callous publishers, offensive strangers."
 

 
 

—Isaac Asimov, BFF

The L. Ron Connection

Is it me, or do all old sci fi writers have a penchant for bullshit?

It are fact that Harlan and L. Ron have known each other and shared ideas for a long time, though it seems their relationship dwindled after L. Ron achieved huge success after having dropped the science fiction moniker and turned all his crappy work into another kind of fiction. While this doesn't make L. Ron any better than his shorter counterpart, he died due to massive consumption of hookers and blow, while Harlan is heading towards a considerably bleaker fate.

With that sinking feeling in his heart, Harlan decided to reveal the real genesis of Scientology to all of our marvelous serial tubular structure, in an interview with Robin Williams.

This vid contributed to the mix of epic win and massive fail that chanology was.


   
 
Scientology is bullshit! Man, I was there the night L. Ron Hubbard invented it, for Christ's sakes! (...) We were sitting around one night... who else was there? Alfred Bester, and Cyril Kornbluth, and Lester del Rey, and Ron Hubbard, who was making a penny a word, and had been for years. And he said "This bullshit's got to stop!" He says, "I gotta get money." He says, "I want to get rich". And somebody said, "why don't you invent a new religion? They're always big." We were clowning! You know, "Become Elmer Gantry! You'll make a fortune!" He says, "I'm going to do it."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, speaking the truth, for a change.

IRL Fail

Harlan is also known for trolling IRL. He, however, unlike the able dramacrats we know and love, is unable to do so and achieve win without causing him to look like a sad pile of fail. Only the most remarkable ones will be listed here, because there is just too much shit in this guy's diaper.


The Connie Willis Incident:

Excuse me, wtf are u doin?

While receiving another sci fi award no one cares about, Harlan gazed upon Connie's delicious rugged breasts, and decided to get a piece for that night's fapping session.


Hugo Awards - Harlan and Connie - 2006


Connie was not amused.


   
 
"a schtick of Harlan acting like a baby"
 

 
 

—Ellen Datlow, Trufax

   
 
"pathetic and nasty and sad and most of us didn't want to watch it"
 

 
 

—Patrick Nielsen Hayden, Expressing his and everyone else's feelings on the matter.


The Infamous Jellybean Incident:


From Shii's own words:

Since no caption of the poor, insane girl is known to exist, here's a illustrative pic of Harlan and some whore.

"At a con in the mid-80's, Harlan encountered something rare in his book: an extremely attractive, big-busted, non-fat blonde who happened to be about 2-3" shorter than he was. The catch was that she actually seemed interested in him, not for his status as a SF writer, but because of some aspect of his lack of charm or whatnot - ergo, him for himself. Word spread around the con about this, and Harlan was escorting this gal around the con as a trophy. It was then that several other writers and fans decided it was time to give Harlan his come-uppance.

Flashback to a previous con. One question Harlan hates the most is when someone asks where the Harlequin got all those jelly beans he dumps on the Tick-Tock Man. At this one con, Harlan went ballistic and threatened to throttle the next person who asked him that question. From all accounts, it wasn't just a tirade, it was an actual promise of bodily harm to the next poor unfortunate who made such a mistake of query. Needless to say, word spread around about this one, and a lot of people shied away from Harlan for the rest of that con.

Some of those in attendance were also at the con where Harlan had apparently scored. It was then that the plan went into effect. One SF writer decoyed Harlan, while a couple of fans gave the trophy du femme a bag of - you guessed it - jelly beans. They told her these were Harlie's favorites, and she could score great brownie points by giving him this big bag.

Needless to say, jelly beans exploded all over the convention floor."

Fail OTI

As any IRL personality, Harlan looked for more ways to fag himself up to the masses on the internets. This includes several jewtube videos, and a website that acts more as a blog where he quotes himself.


   
 
"Why do people keep insisting that I join the 21st Century? I *LIVE* in the 21st Century! I just don't want to be bothered by the shitheads on the internet!"
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, on technology


   
 
"Joanna Russ was admiring one of my stories--I think it was 'Pretty Maggie Money-Eyes'--before it had been published. And she said it was just wonderful. 'But your stories,' she said, 'they have an assault on you, but they're not like a piece of sculpture that you can stop and walk around and look at from all sides.' I said, 'Absolutely not. I want them to grab you by the throat and tear off parts of your body."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, on how his stories feel like.


   
 
"Ellison: "No, the moist parts, the nasty bits."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, talking about his relationship with his mom.


   
 
"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, talking about stuff he barely understands, but still remarkably accurate.


   
 
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, on how half of the universe consists only of him and you.


   
 
"I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk..."
 

 
 

—Harlan Ellison, on how you must be nice to him, or he'll feel bad.

Jewtube Fail

Harlan, on some shit nobody cares about.


Harlan, talking about how he's going to fight piracy, Jew so he can sue someone on the internet.


Also, apparently Harlan managed to whore his way into the Terminator's credits.

Gallery of Harblan About missing Pics
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External Links

See Also