Hearthstone

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Do you like Magic: The Gathering? Do you like card games that require no skill or thinking? Do you like World of Warcraft? Do you love wasting hundreds of dollars on virtual cards where most of the cards suck ass? Well then allow me to present the game for you!
HearthstoneLogo.png

Hearthstone is Blizzard's latest masterpiece that has the gaming world storming that it's the best Free 2 Play game ever! Teased as the next big thing, fans were disappointed to hear it's a card game, but then turned around and loved it when Blizz offered them free mounts in WoW.


Gameplay

Hearthstone is played by two players playing a deck of 30 cards. The goal is to A) Beat your opponent to the point where they explode into fireworks or B) Fill your board up to the point that he An Heroes. To kill your opponent, you play minions onto the board and cast spells at the cost of mana. The game even has some features that they didn't completely rip off from Magic such as the copious amount of random number generators. Random minion, random damage, random random random! At that point you'll wonder are you playing a TCG or are you in Vegas?

Like any card game, the winner is not the best player, nor the luckiest player. The winner of this game will always be the player with the most legendaries in his deck, or the player who spend most money to buy a good deck.

Classes

In Hearthstone, you have a choice between nine classes where half of them are severely underpowered or luck based. Depending on your playstyle will depend on what class you choose

Class Hero Power Theme Description
AnduinHearthstone.png
Priest
LesserHealHearthstone.png Healing everything to unkillable levels and stealing your beefy cards like a little bitch. If you like luck based gameplay, or pissing off your opponent, then Priest is the class for you!
GarroshHearthstone.png
Warrior
ArmorUpHearthstone.png Beating everything down with weapons and dealing damage to EVERYTHING! Used by losers who think the Horde is hardcore. Annoying class if they have a chance to gain armor.
GuldanHearthstone.png
Warlock
LifeTapHearthstone.png Demons and damaging yourself. The most P2W class in the game next to Druid. Used by eSports players to beat up little kids on Twitch.
JainaHearthstone.png
Mage
FireblastHearthstone.png Spells and freezing people. The first class in the game you start with. Because it's the one people start with everyone thinks it's the best in the game until they realize how broken Hunter is.
MalfurionHearthstone.png
Druid
ShapeshiftHearthstone.png Accelerating to the point where they can drop beefy minions on turn 3. Another P2W class. Turn one you're thinking you can take this guy, then turn two the bitch drops an 8 attack minion.
RexxarHearthstone.png
Hunter
SteadyShotHearthstone.png Beast minions MINDLESSLY RUSHING YOUR OPPONENT TO THE POINT THAT THEY DIE TURN 5!
ThrallHearthstone.png
Shaman
TotemicCallHearthstone.png Using powerful cards that overload your mana and hexing people. The weakest class in the game. If you see a Shaman on ladder, it's probably a bot.
UtherHearthstone.png
Paladin
ReinforceHearthstone.png Beefing up weakass minions. Blizzard's favorite class as they give Paladin the coolest cards.
ValeeraHearthstone.png
Rogue
DaggerMastery.png C-C-C-COMBOS! The edgiest class in the game. Used to be the most powerful until it was nerfed to the point where it's not played anymore.

Play Mode

Now that you know the nine exciting classes to build a deck with, you're ready to play the game. In Play Mode you play against other humans and the occasional Shaman Bot. However, it isn't like in Starcraft where you are paired up with people of similar skill. You're paired up against anyone ranging from the mobile gamer noob who just installed today to the P2W eSports streamer. You have a choice between two modes in Play Mode.

Casual Play

This is where everyone goes when they're tired of constantly being raped by Golden level 60 Hunters at rank 20.

Ranked Play

The main meat of the Hearthstone. All the pros and their mothers love to flop their big beefy legendary minions trying too hard to achieve the ultimate dream: Rank 1 Legend! To get there, you'll have to fight through millions of players worldwide, starting from rank 25 to rank 1. Then, once you get past rank 1, you arrive at Legend rank, where you'll fight through the most tryhardy players in existence to reach Rank 1 Legend. What happens if you reach Rank 1 Legend? NOTHING! All that happens is Blizzard gives you a pat on the back for all that hard work and hundreds of dollars to spent on getting the cards to get to legend. In fact, all you get for reaching legend is a shitty cardback. In fact, why play ranked at all? The only reward is a cardback every season that you get by reaching rank 20. After that you can just go into casual play and play against people who aren't losers.

Arena

If you're terrible at Ranked Play, which is the majority of the playerbase, there's another gamemode for you! The Arena!

For the small price of 150 in game gold or $1.99 you can draft a deck made up of random cards that you would never be used in Ranked Play because they're god awful and win fabulous prizes!

Depending on how many games you win determines your rewards. Below are the possible prizes in order from how many wins you achieve:

  1. Card pack and a few in game shekels.
  2. Card pack and a little bit more in game shekels.
  3. Card pack and some more shekels. Now we're getting somewhere.
  4. Card pack and only slightly more shekels then the last time.
  5. Card pack and the slowly increasing amount of shekels. And you thought World of Warcraft was a grind.
  6. Card pack and another step up in shekels. You know, most players don't make it this far and only get 2-3 wins.
  7. Okay, now we're at the good stuff. Card pack and 150 gold. Now you can buy another arena run!
  8. Card pack and (Okay, I think you get it by now. I'll just skip ahead until something changes.)
  9. Nope.
  10. Still the same reward.
  11. Almost there!
  12. Two Card packs and 200 shekels. All that work when for 200 gold you could've just bought two card packs.

Don't worry snowflakes. If your deck sucks that hard and you don't win anything, you'll get one card pack filled with the same shitty cards you used in your arena run.

Solo Adventures

Do your decks still suck? Then we have the perfect solution for you. Solo Adventures are mini expansions that offer you thirty new cards, and only half of them are actually worth a damn. Instead of simply crafting them or getting them in card packs, you have to fight computer controlled bosses with shitty A.I. to get the cards.

Curse of Naxxramas

The first adventure released, with nearly a whole year in the making. Themed after the raid in WoW of the same name, the adventure is boring as hell and only ten of the thirty released cards for it were used.

Blackrock Mountain

Another adventure themed after boring WoW boss battles, Blackcock this time was themed around Dragon cards. This expansion destroyed the meta by making the only viable deck based on stalling until you can spam a bunch of shitty minions with charge and get a one turn KO.

League of Explorers

Now Blizzard decided to do something original for once. League of Explorers this time rips off Indiana Jones and adds new "Discover" cards that were later replaced with stronger cards.

One Night In Karazhan

This adventure got so many WoWfags excited that they were going to go back to Karazhan Tower, a dungeon loved by all. And then they proceeded to all An Hero when Blizzard turned it into a Disney/Shrek theme.

Expansions

Since Adventures weren't satisfying Blizzard's hungry fanboys, the Hearthstone team had to sit down and thing of what to do next. Then it hit them, MOAR SHITTY CARDS! Enter expansions, where each expansion comes with 120 new cards and only 30 of them are actually good.

Goblins vs Gnomes

The first expansion released in December 2014. Blizzard saw how everyone was having fun with the cards Naxxramas gave them, and decided (LET'S RUIN IT ALL LOL!) So GvG introduced the tumor that plagues Hearthstone: RNG mechanics.

Prior to GvG, the vanilla and Naxx cards virtually had no randomness in them at all, and the game was actually fun. Then, GvG shows up and adds cards that just ruin everyone's day. Here, have a card that has the chance to blow up all your shit. Here, have a card that has the chance to benefit your opponent. Here, have a card that drops two bombs that randomly blow your opponent's minions up and leaves behind a giant 7/7 body.

The expansion also introduced a new minion type: Mechs. This minion race exists solely to attract Weeaboos and to make a Voltron reference.

The Grand Tournament

After Blackrock, Blizzard prepared the next expansion to be released on August 2015, The Grand Tournament. Themed after the Argent Tournament from the WoW expansion Wrath of the Lich King, the expansion is themed around cards on horseback and a new Keyword: Inspire. However, unlike the awesomeness of the Argent Tournament, the Grand Tournament sucks ass. Why? Because all the cards are slow as hell and revolve around using the Hero Power, something that you can only do once per turn.

Besides, even if the cards were good, the damage from GvG was already done.

Whispers of the Old Gods

The next expansion released after League of Explorers. This time, Blizzard decided to make everything spooky, and by spooky I mean adding tentacles on everything and introducing Lovecraftian monsters. The expansion revolves around rehashing old shitty cards to try to make them "better." The expansion is pretty much just a rehash again of the hellhole known as GvG, only this time they give you one of the legendaries for free. How generous Blizzard...

Mean Streets of Gadgetzan

Once again, Blizzard decided to fuck with the lore, for this expansion takes place in a nobody town everyone forgets about in WoW called Gadgetzan. Now in WoW, Gadgetzan was a small bazaar in the middle of the desert. Well, for the expansion, the Cataclysm from WoW turned the fuckwit town in the middle of nowhere into a massive port. The small town became a city, and now there's prohibition era gangsters everywhere.

Despite being themed after a crimed filled city, this will forever be known as the "Pirate Expansion" for the expansion added several new Pirate cards, Pirate cards that completely destroyed the meta, made Warriors fucking OP as shit, and for several months games only lasted for five turns before Pirates got nerfed to the ground.

Journey to Un'Goro

After the fuckup of Gadgetzan with all the damn Pirates, Blizzard decided 2017 wouldn't have any Adventures and just be massive expansions instead. Ignoring their kikery, the first expansion in 2017 was a change of pace, from gangsters, to dinosaurs. Journey to Un'goro was all dinosaur themed, because kids love that shit, right?

Knights of the Frozen Throne

Okay, so dinosaurs didn't work out too well. Blizzard was losing players fast due to how shitty the game was getting, and the rise of their two top competitors: Anime weeb TCG Shadowverse, and Witcher themed card game Gwent. They needed their players back, and fast. The order was gave for Plan X, and they pulled out their last resort, the most famous Warcraft character ever, The Lich King.

The main selling point of the expansion: Death Knights. However, not in class form, for Blizzard doesn't want to go through the effort of actually making new meaningful classes. No, instead they introduced these new "Hero" cards, which are reskins of the default heroes, but as Death Knights. They're so incredibly broken, that they had to be banned from Arena because streamers complained.

Kobolds & Catacombs

An expansion that rips off Dungeons & Dragons since Blizzard doesn't have a single ounce of originality left. Once this expansion came out, everyone immediately forgot Un'goro even happened as every card in Kobolds was a powercreep of Un'goro cards.

"New Heroes"

The nine heroes are fine and all, but what people want is something new, and something fresh. New heroes to play as, for everyone is tired of the same nine heroes from the start. So Blizzard heard the cries and answered. However, by new heroes, the fans meant new playable classes besides the nine current ones. Instead, Blizz misheard and thought they wanted reskins.

Enter Alternate Hero Portraits, AKA $10 GIF files. "B-but they're not just gifs! Some come with cardbacks, and they have awesome entrance and Hero Power animations!" said the Blizzard shill.

Magni Bronebeard

The first alternate skin released. Magni, the lord of the dwarves, is an alternate Warrior hero. All he does though is enter by falling like a sword on an anvil, and his Hero Power animation just smashes a hammer on the button. $10 well spent.

Alleria Windrunner

An alternate skin for Hunters cancer decks. When she enters she turns into leaves, and her Hero Power animation is an arrow made of leaves. Another $10 well spent.

Medivh

The badass archmage from Warcraft: Orcs and Humans, Medivh is an alternate Mage hero. His entry animation he turns into ravens, and his Hero Power animation is just the regular fireball turned dark purple. Normally I'd say another $10 well spent sarcastically, but his hero skin actually has a badass deep voice. Just listening to it makes me want him narrating audiobooks.

Lady Liadrin

Oh goody, another elf. Liadrin from Warcraft III fame, is an alternate Paladin hero. Her entry animation is all power by the light and shit, and her Hero Power animation warps in Silver Hand recruits.

Now, instead of making her cost $10 like the other shitty skins, Blizzard saw their WoW sub count drop under four million, so they needed a quick gimmick to get people to play again. So they decided to make Liadrin a WoW reward for leveling a new character to level 20, which means even Starter Edition accounts can unlock her, essentially making her free. Yet surprisingly, the Hearthstone players don't want to play WoW to unlock her, and actually want to pay $10 for the GIF. So...five hours of my time well spent?

Khadgar

Khadgar who was Medivh's apprentice, arrived as an alternate Mage hero. Wait a minute? Another Mage skin? Yep, and he's only $5 this time, and his animations and voice lines are pretty fucking awesome this time. Now now before you get too excited, this is Blizzard we're talking about. You want Khadgar? Well too bad! He was exclusive for purchase for iOS users only, and became unpurchasable after April 24th.

Now why the hell would Blizzard ever do this shit? (Besides drive up demand.) Because our old friends at Apple was running a charity event with the WWF, and paid them a shit load of money to make the skin. You know, instead of making the skin available for everyone who wanted to donate, they made it exclusive to Applefags.

Tyrande

An alternate Priest portrait of Malfurion's thot wife. However, she was a Twitch Prime exclusive, which pissed off everyone in Asia as that meant only Eurofags and Americunts could get her.

Maiev Shadowsong

An alternate Rogue portrait featuring the Warcraft character NO ONE likes. Was awarded for getting ten wins in 2017, which means by the time you're reading this you missed out. Sorry!

Arthas

The sexy piece of ass we've all grown to love from Warcraft III. Awarded to those who can complete the Frozen Throne single player missions...with every class. Have fun~

Nemsy Necrofizzle

An original hero for Warlock, who is a little gnome girl with a really annoying voice. You'd think this means no one would want her, but everyone was going bananas for Nemsy for she is the only alternate Warlock portrait. But then everyone learned the truth: Nemsy is only awarded to those who go to Fireside Gatherings.

What is a Fireside Gathering? It's a public meetup arranged by Reddit pencilnecks where they try to get strangers to play their shitty card game. However, Blizzard seems to have forgotten that the majority of their playerbase are overweight neets who are deathly scared of sunlight. So this is quite the conundrum. These losers want the hero, but don't wanna go to a Fireside. So what's the answer, make your own Fireside? FUCK NO! Instead, everyone just installed NoxPlayer, and used it to spoof their GPS location to access Fireside Gatherings from their own home.

Yes, let me repeat that. People were this desperate for this pigtail midget that their autistic asses used an Android emulator to spoof their GPS location to get into the Fireside. Hell, a lot of these Firesides were not even real Firesides! They were locations set in the middle of nowhere designed specifically to cheat Blizzard, and a bunch of Reddit dumbasses fell for the fake locations too!

Notable Cards

Card Description Demonstration
JaraxxusHearthstone.png A legendary that replaces your hero, giving you a weapon and a new hero ability. Can't possibly fail. (Unless your opponent has Sacrificial Pact, then you die instantly, but what are the chances of that?)
DrBoomHearthstone.png A 7 mana 7/7 that drops 2 bomb minions that do heavy damage. Totally balanced.
GrimPatronHearthstone.png ༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ EVERYONE GET IN HERE ༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º༼ ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽ºل͜º ༽
MagmaRagerHearthstone.png The worst card in the game. Even Blizzard admits it's the worst card in the game.
MajordomoExecutusHearthstone.png Regarded as the worst legendary. A 9 mana 9/7 that replaces your hero when it dies. Sounds great in theory right? Well it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that your new hero has only 8 health and you can't control when you turn into Rag.
MillhouseManastormHearthstone.png Besides being shit in stats, his battlecry pretty much guarantees victory for your opponent.
NozdormuHearthstone.png For an entire year, this card literally broke the game and Blizzard did jack shit to fix it. Instead of making turns 15 seconds like it was supposed to, when paired with other cards like Lorewalker Cho It would skip whole turns. (Fun fact: if there are multiple Nozdormus on the board, the screen is covered with so much dust that you can't see anything.)

Bonus

One has to wonder, what if all of Encyclopedia Dramatica and the rest of the filthy internet was a game of Hearthstone?

See Also

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