Heaven

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Don't worry Christfag - they'll be spending the rest of existance in hell anyway.
So, Are there?

Heaven is a technique typically used by evangelist faggots to convince easily influenced people into giving money to their church. Also, members of the Catholic Priesthood use salvation & Heaven to bribe young altar boys into engaging in sexual acts.

Origins

There are two ways to get people to follow you:

  • Make them Fear You
  • Bribe them

If you're a pussy like most religious people, fear isn't going to work. You probably have never felt actual hunger, fear or pain and your angsty stories about demons, disgusting excess and "suffering" are going to sound more like the most awesome Halloween party ever instead of something actually scary and fearsome.

Everyone likes good things, though, even hardened badasses. So, if you promise them really good things for kissing ass and giving all your money to people who have never worked a real job in their entire life and are forever begging for money even though they live in a nicer house than you ever will, you have a higher chance of getting the even the most badass people to give money.

There are many views of heaven. Typically heaven is their ideal state of being with perfect attention to the faith and what a faith feels is heavenly will tell you exactly how boring they are on average, how much they value sucking up to god, and if you should laugh in their face for picking such a shitty faith or high five them for awesomeness.

Whenever some follower tries to convert you, the first thing you need to ask them is what heaven looks like. If it sounds like a shitty place to be, ignore all threats of hell (you might as well be in hell if heaven is that lame) and send them packing. Otherwise you'll be pissed off forever... or for as long as that faith says heaven will exist.

Disposition & Interpretation

Google's idea of Heaven.

Many heavens are built off of other heavens. This is because people generally all want the same things and it's way easier to convert people with things that sound familiar than things that sound weird. In short, if a faith has a similar base to another faith it probably has an eerily similar heaven.

Heaven is supposed to be something you just can't walk into. No, you have to earn it and be judged before getting in.

Typically when you arrive in Heaven, some faggot will Google your name and pass judgment on your soul. Sometimes if you did something really amazing you might be declared a holy person or martyr and get to jump past the judgement stuff to the good part.

If you are deemed worthy of Heaven, the faggot will open The Great Fence and let you go party it up with the other worthy dead. If you are not accepted, you will immediately fall through a trapdoor into the depths of Hell.

Christian Heaven

You're going to worship god without sleep or the ability to cry... forever....

The Christian Heaven is a boring city constructed of gold and everyone gets a mansion, not that they get to use it. Once you get there, unless you're a saint, you sit there reciting praises to god over and over. You will never sleep, feel emotion, or even be able to cry. All you do is praise god endlessly forever. That's essentially all there is. You're there for all eternity whether you like it or not. In other words, this is paradise, and if you don't like it, well that's too damn bad.

The belief in gold and mansions is a direct result of most Christians' secret insatiable appetite for riches and luxury (see Trinity Broadcasting Network) which stems from Jesus being a Jew. While material things as gold and mansions would have no value or purpose in heaven, Christians are incapable of understanding that earth bound possessions such as money or real estate have no actual worth in reality. This is why they fail when they try to figure out anything that isn't within the parameters of routine human life, and thus fail at their own religion.

The atmosphere in Christian Heaven can be captured in the following sentence by Friedrich Nietzsche: "In heaven, all interesting people are missing."

You will be blessed with the company of such characters as VenomfangX, jezuzfreek777, violetkitty411, the rest of the JewTube God-squad, and the entire Catholic clergy, as they are rewarded for a life of child rape with an eternity of child rape.

Some say that in Heaven, you have fun by watching all the wretched people suffering forever in Hell.

Muslim Heaven

When you reach Muslim Heaven, you will find it to be very similar to Iran except you can't even kill yourself. You are promised a substantial amount of virgins, but because God ran out at least 100 years ago, you must suffer through the night with balding, overweight acne-ridden whores as well as the occasional man or shemale. Because there are no condoms, expect to be surrounded by bawling shitting infants and pissy women and/or GRIDS within a year of arrival.

Jewish Heaven

There is no heaven. You go to sleep in the ground until Moses returns and wakes you up. Then you take back the Holy Land, kill a bunch of Muslims, and party forever with zombie Moses. Some Jews argue there is no Hell and that the whole Moses thing is an allegory. Those Jews are commonly referred to as atheists.

Valhalla

This is where the manliest of men go after a lifetime of raping, drinking, pillaging and being generally badass, and when they get here, they do pretty much the same things as they did when they were alive. Oh, and at the end of all time, they get to fight an army made of wolf men and zombies until they tear the universe apart and all the gods are dead.

Mormon Heaven

There are no single women in Mormon heaven, because to get in the women must be married first. Then, when the woman dies, her husband must accept her as his wife or she goes right to hell. Having lots of babies and making her husband happy are high on the Mormon priority list for Mormon women, as it doubles as training for once she gets there. In Mormon heaven, the women are forever pregnant or in childbirth to have lots of spiritual children to spread the faith.

For men, there's a billion bawling puking spirit babies, multiple cranky pregnant spiritual wives, and there's also no alcohol, caffeine, or drugs to ease the pain. It also has the boring city of gold, repetitive chanting, and even more boring people than normal Christian heaven.

Enemies of Heaven

Good times or eternal life?


Heaven
is part of a series on
Christianity
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Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]
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Heaven is part of a series on

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