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Helm: Leader, conqueror, pedophile, MercX provoker, and MS Paint background explorer.

Helm was a Final Fantasy XI player on some server.


At least 100 years ago, Helm was born. His mother and father gave him up for adoption due to his uglinesss at the age of two. Under the care of his foster parent, he learned how to use the internet and got a degree in Internet Law. For a time, he worked for Microsoft's Internet police force, striving to remove objectionable content and Linux users from the internet.

The Beginning of Final Fantasy XI

While growing up, Helm was an avid video game player. Due to a lot of Nintendo games, slashfic, and other things, he ended up taking on certain characteristics. So when Square released their own MMORPG of the Final Fantasy series, he got a first class ticket to Japan to buy it along with the horde of Square fans.

Creating an Elvaan character under the flag of San d'Oria, he started his meteoric rise to power. He found himself so addicted that he had to leave his job at Microsoft in order to continue his pursuit for power. To this date, Bill Gates still has a bounty of 5 dollars and a free copy of Windows Vista for whoever kills Helm in a way that generates many lulz.


Humble Beginnings

Sometime around when all the Americans started the game, Helm attained level 60. Using the skills he got from working for Microsoft, he decided he wanted to make his own evil superpower. Using the puppet leader of Basarax, he formed OZCorps. Recruiting nearly 40 people, it rivaled the American Communist Party in sheer power. Using his army of pawns, he leeched millions of gil and plenty of other things.

Helm's Girlfriend

Helm's girlfriend, Ririal
Helm's girlfriend, Ririal.

One of the people that joined Helm's army was a nubile young lass named Ririal. A Mithra Dragoon, she seduced Helm and worked up the ranks to general. Helm, smitten by this forthcoming woman, eventually chose to marry her. Less than a week after the wedding, she made a press release on Allakhazam stating that she is, in fact, a man and that she "did it for the lulz".

In spite of (or perhaps because of) this, Helm still continued to seek out romance with every female character he saw, proving that he really does possess a certain je-ne-sais-quoi. Because of this (along with his Tarutaru obsession), nobody was able to take him seriously ever again.

Until recently, no one knew what happened to Ririal. Sources suggest, due to the infatuation of member of a linkshell known as MercuryX, Niki, this may be a new identity for Ririal, possibly stalking Helm because of the strange obsession "she" continues to have for him.

The Fall of OZCorps

Eventually, after the disasterous public relations nightmare of Ririal, Helm found that he could no longer be the leader of a superpower. He banished his puppet leader Basarax to Hell and went into seclusion for at least 100 years. During this time, he eventually got level 75, which then became a permanent level 74 later on.

Return to Power


Helm, sick of not being able to leech stuff while in seclusion, came out in the open again. He started by joining Sennin, but after finding that it was already being leeched dry by its leaders, he defected to WildSeven. From there, he rebuilt his empire of loyal pawns and started a reign of terror that lasted at least 100 years. With all this power at his disposal, he leeched countless millions of gil and several items from digital dragons; yet still failing to grasp the items from digital dragons that the linkshell MercuryX has gathered to date. An interesting note to this, as E-PEEN grows, real peen actually decreases.


But being the big man of the WildSeven wasn't enough for him. Just that summer, the realm of death and anarchy was opened up with more items for the taking. Helm's army, while sizable enough to conquer a local shopping mall, wasn't great enough for this realm of darkness. He set forth an alliance with other linkshells to get the manpower needed for his defilement of the chaos lands. Using contractual loopholes, he leeched at least 100 items before he then decided that Dynamis was a larger waste than his existence.

How many damn WildSeven remakes were there?

For at least 100 years, Helm had gone away on a voyage to distant lands to leech more items. During his absence, his army lost momentum and had to undergo several leader changes. This lead to many lulz while every other week, the linkshell had to be remade and shifts in the ranks were experienced. Helm's army of loyal pawns dwindled down to maybe a squadron.

The Return of the King

Helm, having returned with knowledge in the ways of the elite warrior, had a whole new agenda ahead of him. He rebuilt his army of darkness with intents to get more items. For a period of time, he was successful, but fate caught up with him and one day, he vanished. His army then proceeded to fall apart and most of it joined the rival evil superpowers of Thirteen, Saviour, and BurningCosmossss.

The Finale

Whatever happened to Helm is a subject of a lot of debate. Some believe that he got his job at Microsoft back. Others believe that he finally located Ririal (See Niki) and challenged "her" to a duel to the death. The most persistant theory, however, is that he invented a cheap knockoff of "the Awesome" while he was visiting New York last Thursday. The world may never know.

Survey Sez

Sakaio, a Dark Knight big on the player versus player scene is possibly the true reason as to why Helm was banished from this world.

Lithian and Helm's Nemesis

During the previous events of WildSeven and the dwindling of his army, Helm set his sights on a new female cohort Lithian. Lithian was a girl of the tender age of 93, while Helm being a (full-grown) "Man" used his crazy-psychic powers to twist and warp her mind into loving him. Shortly she realized this was a fallacy and left him chasing after the ambiguous and mysterious Sakaio.

Helm however unable to stand losing a 93 year old girl and obviously unable to find love in other places, purused [sic] this couple with the sole intent of destroying them and getting the young girl back on his side. He promptly succeeded destroying their relationship and in essence biting off more than he could chew by waking the ire of Sakaio the Dark Knight King. His hippie ideals were beaten brutally by Sakaio's logic and by the simple fact that nobody would listen to him.

In the end Helm was dumped by his "woman" and was spanked over and over again by Sakaio, the squeals of Helm were heard high over the mountains as the mad cackling of the Ebon King told him to squeal like a lil' piggy, in Diorama.

The Aftermath

Helm despite his "superior" items, gigantic E-PEEN, and end-game ability, he met a horrible defeat at the hands of the PvP Dark Knight King Sakaio, who can still be found on some server till this day crushing tools and asshats all over Vana'diel, because nobody has the guts to tell him skill and equipment used in PvP isn't comparable to that used in PvE for fear of getting pwned in said PvP. Contrary to popular belief Helm did not commit suicide but stuck his e-penis in the wrong hole and got it cut-off, the defeat was so horrible he went into hibernation to deal with the severe burns.

The Second Third Fourth Ninth Coming


Helm has since recovered from being pegged by his boyfriend, Sakaio and returned to his former glory. Instead of leading legions of weeaboo fanboiz, he has maintained his status of bitch that was thrust upon him by Sakaio. Now Helm spends his time taking it in the ass from every member of Glorious, a small linkshell MercX is afraid of.

You can troll Helm by repeatedly spamming the monolith in sky so Glorious can't do anything, lulz.

Rumor has it that Glorious, among other Linkshells, has threatened MercuryX's E-PEEN, causing them to lash out and attempt to scare other linkshells into submision, as well as slander Helm.


Sakaio, after being luld at by the rest of Phoenix, came to Encyclopedia Dramatica to create a new section in the Helm article here. Don't be fooled, no one cares about Sakaio, or likes him at all. Everyone laughs at him while he lies to himself about being the best anything on the server. If you beat him in PvP, he will tell you that, "You're only a threat because of your sword."

The Chopchop Era

After dealing with the MercX threat correctly, Helm has been being persued by Chopchop. An ego-maniacal douchebag, hell bent on getting all of FFXI to worship him, without actually realizing, he himself, shares the same IQ as a clump of dirt. Helm has already battled against Chopchop's minions and defeated them, but is currently deadlocked in battle with Chopchop now. Theory states, that the reason Chopchop is stalking Helm so badly, is that he's actually in love with Helm.

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