Hero Online is yet another shitty "free" Korean MMORPG, developed by some company nobody’s ever heard of or gives a rat’s ass about called Mgame. Created in the same spirit as other shitty “free” Korean MMORPGS such as Maple Story, Silkroad Online, and Rappelz, the purpose of these games is to somehow cash in on the EverQuest and World of Warcraft phenomenon by making games that are drastically inferior to said titles. However, Hero Online is unique in that it is played entirely by 13 year-old boys, and also in that while the servers are located in America, nobody in the game speaks English. Because of this, one may most accurately envision the Hero Online experience by imagining what his or her kindergarten class would be like if it were composed of about a thousand sword fighting chinks.
Set in a fictional world where China isn't a complete shithole, the object of Hero Online is to scam equipment, items, and gold off of other players. Bonus points if you do so by betraying the trust of your guildmates. The game also provides a number of quests for the player to embark upon, including (but not limited to):
- Insulting as many players as you can, preferably in a language other than English. If English is the only language you’ve learned so far in middle school, try to make your messages resemble English as little as possible.
- Engage in public discussions which cover penis jokes, Naruto, or fucking your nonexistent girlfriend.
- Buy online currency from any number of gold-farming websites advertised within the game.
These activities consume much of the players' time within the game (their time outside the game being consumed mostly by masturbating to Rule 34-inspired comics featuring the cast of Naruto and Bleach), though players may also obtain gold and items from walking into a group of monsters and pressing the same three keys again and again until their eyes bleed. This process, highly prevalent in Korean MMORPGs, is called “grinding,” a term which comes from the fact that it’s about as much fun as grinding one’s testicles into a paper shredder.
Left mouse click: Fail at crafting or upgrading items
Right mouse click: Lag
A key: Lag
S key: Lag
V key: Lag
Hero Online also boasts an impressive array of four whole character classes.
The Hunter is able to tame animals so that other players can live out their fantasies of furfaggotry in an online environment, as most players of Hero Online are too young and broke to afford fursuits. In the earliest days of the game, this was the most lucrative profession, but the game’s players have so successfully ruined the game’s economy that Hunters are now seen as the most worthless class.
The Physician, an equally worthless class, is capable of casting curative magic on their allies. However, since the players of Hero Online fail as miserably at making in-game friends as they do at making friends in real life, and because the game’s developers were stupid enough to make a class whose primary purpose was to perform spells with effects that simple in-game items and weapons could do more successfully and in a fraction of the time, this class is also deemed patently worthless.
The Assassin is the class of choice for many of the game’s young azn combatants. The assassin affords players the option of being as big a bunch of pussies online as they are in real life. This class's key ability is turning invisible, allowing you to stab your opponents in the back like the sneaky, slant-eyed little chink you are. Conversely, you can also use this ability to run away like a cunt, though since the game has teleportation charms in place for the express purpose of running away like a cunt, the efficacy of this ability is somewhat negated.
Finally, the Warrior is the only class worth playing in this lopsided train wreck of a game.
If you want to pwn at this game, all that is needed is to play as a warrior, placing all your stat points in strength and dexterity. This is obvious to any non-retarded player after about ten minutes with the game. However, because the game’s entire community lacks skills in basic math and planning, the subject of which class and build is teh best evar is a frequent topic of debate on the official forums.
The Hero Tavern
So you play the game and find yourself thinking, "The equipment and options for character customization in this game sure do suck, but I wish there were some way I could pay irl moneys for equipment and items that are just as useless and inconsequential in the game as they are in real life." Fear not, because Mgame has instituted the Hero Tavern, an in-game catalogue of stupid shit that you can buy with actual money to enhance your adventure in masochism. The most expensive item is twenty US dollars, and is a one-use item that prevents equipment from breaking when you fail to upgrade it. Other items are said to improve one’s chances of successfully upgrading equipment, but all of the game’s players are too stupid to realize that upgrading equipment past a certain point has a 100% rate of failure. As a result, Mgame is able to profit off of their young user base’s unhealthy addiction and inability to reason.
About once a year, the Hero Tavern offers stupid horseshit items that are actually useful in terms of procuring an advantage in the game. Last Halloween, they introduced "animal tubes," which must translate into human language as "animal masks." More recently, the Hero Tavern offered "Corean Robes," because they apparently wanted to make it clear that Koreans are too stupid to even spell the name of their own country correctly. Both of these items offered substantial boosts to a character’s stats, thereby rendering all players who did not buy them unable to compete with those who did.
Mgame also claims to view the selling of Hero Online gold as a very serious offense, but this doesn’t prevent them from doing it themselves. Mgame recently allowed players to sell Hero Tavern items to other players for in-game gold. Hero Tavern items sold by other players are among the most expensive items available for purchase with Hero gold. As such, those young azns willing to waste the proceeds of their parents’ dry-cleaning business on Hero Tavern items are able to amass the largest fortune of Hero gold, thus sending the clear message that Mgame doesn’t care if you cheat as long as they get a cut.
The Hero Online Forums
If you’re tired of getting insulted in pidgin English in the game itself, you can post in the game’s official forum. Here, players from all over South America and Asia meet to flaunt their superiority in an online game over one another, brag about their imaginary property, bicker over the theft of said imaginary property, lie about their real-life exploits, and complain about how shitty a game that they’re under no obligation to continue playing is. The content of these boards would be somewhat worthy of lulz if only every single poster weren’t so infuriatingly stupid, and if the messages were decipherable, each having been spelled and worded with about as much regard as a bowl of Alpha-Bits. Exactly 99% of the topics on the official Hero Online boards are some variation of the following:
- “HELP PLS GMS MY GEARS WAS STOLDED!!!!!!”
- “servrs r down wtf”
- “this quest requires basic math/map reading/reasoning skills help pls tell me how 2 do it”
- “can any1 tell me what is best for to put stat points in?”
|Hero Online is part of a series on MMORPGs.||[Ding!]|