High School Musical
High School Musical is a marvelously droll and amusing musical produced by Disney artists. It rivals in originality with
Nod Nod Goes to The Farm even Nod Nod is more original than this and in musical skills with Hannah Montana, which is to say something. It's about a girl, and a boy, and singing and dancing and drama and stuff. Roughly. If you've ever seen the movie "Grease", it's kind of like that, but without talent, acting, any and all likability, or most importantly, John Travolta. It is also the new Bible for 6 year-old girls who live in Kentucky.
High School Musical is a Disney film based around the concept of a handful pubescent moronic twats embarking on their trip through high school, BUT WITH A FUCKING TWIST. They dance like legless drunk tramps, while the singing matches the aforementioned description as it sounds like the tone-deaf singing of a homeless man pissed out of his head, while staggering down a dingy alleyway waving a whiskey bottle above his head and worshiping it in all its alcoholic splendor.
The movie starts out with a cliché basketball jock getting it on with his dad at a ski resort. When he goes to a New-years party, he ends up singing karaoke with a Chinese wetback. Amazingly, the two have a perfect harmony and are completely on-key regardless of never having met before. When he goes back to school after winter break, it turns out the shitty nerd has transferred into his school. But like any little-kid tragedy, he’s not allowed to talk to her because his basketball buddies convince him it’s not cool. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW! Both the nerd and jock deny they want to sing, but end up auditioning for the school music regardless, and end up getting the role after call-backs. In the end, it’s all happy-ever-after. The overall experience is quite similar to driving several nails into your shins one by one.
- Troy Bolton: He's the basketball jock hero and he's pretty, shiny and twinky, in order to appeal to 12 year old girls and gay men (who are, actually, the same demographics). He's also 5'7, which is normal since he's white and white people are all short. He's the normal high school equivalent of the quarterback for vague reasons. His popularity as a dwarf basketball player comes from the fact that all other team members are just as small and white, since High School Musical has to be squeaky clean to appeal to evangelicals, and that niggers are, of course, unclean. He meets a girl, pretends to be heterosexual and tries to go out with her, but not too hard because sex is dirty. In the end he learns a valuable life lesson about being himself, like in all Disney movies.
- Gabriella: A Mexican super-nerd who has an amazing singing voice. She’s pushed into joining nerd squads by her friends (because, you know, she's so shy and nerdy that she becomes the school's idol in about 6 seconds), instead of singing like she’s soooo good at and desperate to do. She meets a boy, and tries to NOT go out with him, because she's not a whore (unlike the actress playing her). In the end she learns a valuable life lesson about being herself, like in all Disney movies.
- Sharpay: The stuck-up spoiled attention whore valley girl played by Ashley Tisdale. She supposedly always gets the lead in the play beside her brother, which is slightly disturbing seeing as the main roles are usually lovers. She's a conglomerate of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Kenny Ortega (not gay). She soon realises her mom is a Hippy when she is found doing Yoga.In the end she learns a valuable life lesson about being herself, like in all Disney movies.
- Ryan: The not gay twin brother. He loves to dance, prance around, say fabulous and sing with his dominatrix faghag. He's also blue eyed and blond, to make evangelicals and other nazis feel at home. Everyone older than 6 can tell right away that the character is meant to be gay - unfortunately, HSM's fanbase is not older than 6. Which gives in to the lulz and lol. He also LOVES fashion, and wears about 666 different hats over the three films. But that doesn't mean anything, because there are some straight people who also like fashion, like, Zac Efron (and it doesn't matter either that he was outed in HSM, the broadway musical). It is revealed in HSM3 that he is a furry. In the end he learns a valuable life lesson about being herself, like in all Disney movies.
High School Musical 2: Electric Boogaloo
Because the first one wasn’t shitty and gay enough, Disney created a sequel. It's a High School Musical which doesn't happen during high school and has no musical in it, but who cares because Disney already cashed the check and had anal sex with the male actors. Instead, it takes place during summer time, because kids in Disneyland don't go on vacation or anything: they all stay together, cuz they're like, so BFF forever. They show off their amazing musical skills in a Country-Club "Talent" show. This movie is focused around how bitchy and controlling Shargay is, and how one day she’ll shave her head because Troy doesn’t love her. Also, for mature audience, it contains the biggest amount of homoerotic subtext ever found in a film, ever, which goes to prove the whole movies are just a big Disney private joke.
HSM2 in Fifteen Steps
- The song Disney leaked at least 100 years ago before airing the movie so that every 8-year old could sing in rythm.
- How easy it is to find a summer job for you, your friends and their dog.
- Troy loses himself.
- Troy loses his friends.
- Troy loses his girlfriend.
- Troy prances around a golf course and makes the whole internet lulz.
- Troy finds himself.
- Troy finds his friends.
- Troy finds his girlfriend
- OMG THEY KISS!!!!!1111ELEVENTYONE111!!!!, seeing as they're now old enough, being 17 and all that. THIS IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE because HSM is a romance
- A melodramatic love song about faith and love ensues.
- Zac Efron prances around in capri shorts around a pool to say how great it is he found himself.
- Zac Efron jumps in a pool and all the guys in the pool swim toward him. No, srsly.
The subtle Homoerotic subtext
- Ryan plays a pink piano in a pool. Not like Elton John, at all.
- Sharpay sings about "fabulous" stuff.
- Ryan does Yoga.
- Ryan has a great relationship with his mother
- Ryan and the nameless-token-black-guy sing and dance together with bats then exchange their clothes.
- The characters "find themselves".
As with most movies, Disney tries to milk the dollar cow as much as they can, consequently, they’ve released over 5 different versions on DVD, all of which are currently available in Wal-Mart’s 5 cent bin.
The Second Coming of Miley Cyrus
Oh Jesus Fucking Christ: HSM3
Yes, the series continues. Seeing as HSM is the only thing Disney’s made in the past 30 years that anybody likes other than Hannah Montana, a third movie in the HSM saga was released in 2008, with a whole new world of amazing and original songs. The only good news was that they provided Vanessa "Whore" "Obnoxious" Hudgens' character with a new singing voice.
It is entirely composed of Troy/Gabriella duets, since it's what makes 12 year old girls cream their pants because they want to be Gabriella. Other than that, other characters appear for at least 5 seconds each, and Troy re-enacts Flashdance almost shirtless. Then there's prom. Then there's the song that says that they're going to make a 4th one.
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