Hikaru no Go

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Hikaru No Go is an anime in which people do nothing but play fucking board games. As such it occupies the rung of the ladder of morbid pointlessness which is one step below Yu-Gi-Oh (the anime in which people do nothing but play fucking card games) and one above Beyblade (the anime in which people do nothing but play with fucking spinning tops).

Hikaru No Go is notable for two reasons.

  • It has been single-handedly responsible for a resurgence in the popularity of Go, which until the show existed was seen as the exclusive territory of diabeetus and people with funny teeth who looked like they might enjoy the taste of human flesh.
  • It has subjected the worlds to levels of homosexuality previously thought by scientists to be merely theoretical.

Characters

Hikaru Shindou: A Japanese little boy with blonde highlights in his hair, a nice pink arse and no hair on his balls. Just as sharks and T-rexes can smell blood from several miles away, members of NAMBLA can hear Hikaru's footfalls echoing in their heads like marble pillars smashing together from the other side of the city.

Hikaru's hobbies include cheating, being a little cunt and being a cheating little cunt. If you ever see him doing anything else it's because he's tripping his fucking face off and rambling about how the Go board is a universe and he's a god creating stars. Seriously.

Fujiwara no Sai: The emperor's board game tutor during the Heian era, Sai's rival hid a playing piece in his sleeve and made it appear as if he were trying to place five hotels on Pacific Avenue. Ignoring his pleas that five hotels on Pacific Avenue was technically just one hotel on North Carolina Avenue, the emperor banished him from the city.

Sai went predictably emo (for a man who wears a dress and purple lipstick), and became an hero over the result of a board game. However, his earthly lusts proved to be more than a match for the Grim Reaper and he found himself repeatedly returning to Earth to carve himself another slice of that delicious shota.

Sai's behaviour is delineated by the following:

Akira Touya: Living proof that if your name is Akira and you're not busily blowing the shit out of the world then you can get the fuck out of my anime, thank you very much. Akira's father made him play Operation every day from an early age. If he won the game he was rewarded with fatherly affection, and if he lost he was rewarded with domestic abuse. For this reason he is more batshit about losing at boardgames than anyone else in the show.

Akira's schtick runs as follows:

  1. Akira plays against Hikaru.
  2. Hikaru cheats and trounces him.
  3. Akira spends two episodes running around town like a jogger on Ritalin going BAWWWWWWWWWWWW.

This pattern remains unbroken from the first episode to the end of the series.

Gay-llery

Ratings

  • Gayness: equal to Revolutionary Girl Utena
  • Pedophilia: worse than Not4chan
  • Creepyness: Over 9000
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