House of the Dead

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Fat is the 5th thing wrong with these guys.

The House of the Dead is a series of rail shooter games created by SEGA, in between fapping sessions with their millions of shitty Sonic games. The story revolves around a zombie virus that only seems to spread more despite the protagonists' efforts. Like anything zombie-related, the closest this series has to a plot is shooting the same shirtless zombie 300 times while having RELOAD! shouted at you. This could be seen as an instant NRA training session, in case the Zombies decide to walk the Earth. But if you ask some lawyer, all of these games are bad for you and can cause violent impulses.

The Bullshit Story

The same story is used throughout all of the games. So, don't worry if you don't have the jist of it. It's all the fucking same! The hero/heroine has received a phone call from their missing fiancee asking them to come to a random spooky location. Which results in meeting in an epic battle with the villain who's obsessed with life and death itself. After venturing throughout your city/mansion/whorehouse of choice in any of the games, you end up in epic boss battles with the same rehashed bosses that SEGA had to use. The main reason for this, they were usually too busy making a Sonic game that nobody would buy. And let's not forget, every game has a cliffhanger ending that leaves you wanting more.


Playable characters

FREEZE MOTHAFUCKA!!!!! We're here, we're queer, GET USED TO IT!

James and Gary : The protagonists of the second game. They carry magical guns that have infinite ammo but require to be reloaded every fucking second.

Thomas: The one with the goatee. By 2019 he had gone missing, leading "H" and his daughter Lisa to search for him since he hadn't texted them for about 3 days.

G: The most recurring character in the series, even though nobody can tell the characters apart as they all look the same.

Lisa: Rebellious daughter of Row-gun and a failed idea of a cover-girl for the franchise.

Kate: Kate joined James in the fourth game. She's noobish and constantly makes smartass remarks to zombies about the fact that she's a woman. It was Kate who convinced James to end his life against "The World" by using an explosive GBA SP.

Daniel: Curien's son. Shot his dad with Lisa's help after being forced to make a body for him.


Curien: The mad scientist that created legions of zombies because zombie series always need a bad guy that creates the zombies for no reason. Killed in the first game and comes back to life as a wedding ring in the third one.

Goldman: Jew who believed that infesting Europe with zombies would protect the life cycle. Kills himself. He has the best voice-actor in the history of everything, with the exception of Stephen Hawking.


No he does not do card tricks. But he can do the "pull the bunny out of the hat" trick without the hat.

Because the standard zombies only take one bullet to kill, the characters have no personality or motives whatsoever, and the plot couldn't have more holes, people only play this series for the bosses, which include:

The Magician: Dr. Curien's "Masterpiece" and the most overused boss in the series. In the first game, kids thought this guy was tough shit as his weakness was unknown (clearly unaware of his pulsating leg and shoulder), but by the time he reappeared in the second game, he was a total pussy.

The Judgement: A headless knight carrying an axe that is always accompanied by a annoying flying robot skeleton. Takes forever to attack and for some reason shooting the skeleton hurts him.

The Heirophant: Some fish dude who looks like a rejected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle villain. Has the power to summon annoying ass fish and jump in the air like a retard.

The Tower: A mutant snake with 5 heads that is encountered in the sewers. Whenever you kill one, it moos like a cow. Its middle head can detach and swim about like sperm.

Strength: Leatherface rip-off who makes the same retarded grunts and screams. Only difference is he is 10 feet tall and can run faster than a pedophile chasing a kid in a speedo.

The Emperor: Apparently the shape-shifting bad guy from Terminator 2 is considered a zombie. Imagine The Magician but without the ability to fly, looking like a blowup doll, and very, very slow. Was shot up by James and Gary, leading to Goldman's emo-like end.

The World: Butterfly-man that can make pretty flying ice dragons. In case you're oblivious to exposed hearts, its weak-point is really easy to guess. James and Kate whipped out some Uzi's to shoot it down , but it wasn't until James decided to end everything by blowing himself up with an explosive GBA SP that the thing was defeated. It's not like he could've just thrown the bomb or anything.

Temperance: A fat American.

Death: A giant Nazi that attacks with a club and is not the Grim Reaper.

The Sun: A sunflower that chokes itself when you hurt it.

The Fool: A sloth prone to falling asleep and taking 50 hours to finish one attack.

The Lovers: A pair of spiders that were accidentally attached during hardcore sex.

Weapons and Items



  • First AID kit with Hello Kitty bandages
  • A Playboy featuring Paris Hilton!
  • First AID kit with Tylenol!
  • 20 Euros, useless in most of Europe.
  • First AID kit with Valtrex for that French whore you slept with.
  • And finally, a First AID kit with cyanide, so you can kill yourself for playing this game for so long.

Gallery of the Dead

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External Links

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