Hughstan Schlicker

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Myspace is serious business



   
 
Me and my dad would go squirrel hunting... Apparently he trusts me with a rifle.
 

 
 

—Hughstan Schlicker, Modern humorist

Like most 15-year-old kids, Hughstan Schlicker was a compulsive MySpace user. Unlike most 15-year-old kids, Hughstan blew his father's head off with a shotgun when he was forced to quit MySpace cold turkey.

The Gory Details

   
 
It felt like I was stabbed with a knife and it went straight through and … no matter how hard I pulled, I couldn't pull out the knife
 

 
 

—Hughstan Schlicker, On living without MySpace

Hughstan just wanted to do what all the other cool kids on Myspace were doing. So he started leaving suicidal notes on his MySpace page. Unfortunately for Hughstan and his father, someone took Hughstan seriously and called the cops. The police, in turn, called Hughstan's parents and urged them to secure all of their guns lest Hughstan make good on his threat. Hughstan's father decided to go one better; he got straight to the root of the problem and took away Hughstan's internets.

What Happened Next

   
 
I hate my dad, couldn't take it anymore
 

 
 

—Schlicker on not being able to check his latest MySpace comments

Feeling e-masculated, Hughstan decided that he could best put his 16 newly-free hours of the day to use by cutting school and getting stoned. As he went into the garage to get a beer, Hughstan noticed that his father had, indeed, secured his shotgun—on the counter next to a box of shells.

At that moment, just like the Grinch who Stole Christmas, Hughstan thought of something he hadn't before—and that something was pretty fucking sadistic. Hughstan decided that he'd wait until his father got home, then give himself a 12-guage trepanation as his father looked on. However, there are many long hours in the average work day, and it didn't take Hughstan half of one of them to realize that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the lulz much without a face. Therefore, Hughstan made a list:

To Do

  1. Shoot father
  2. Shoot self

In a fit of industry, Hughstan even developed a schedule. He decided that if his father arrived home after 4:00pm, he wouldn't go through with his plan but, instead, live out his life secure in the smug superiority of what might have been. Luckily for all parties involved, Hughstan's father arrived home at 2:00pm—well before Hughstan's patricidal deadline. As his father walked into the kitchen Hughstan shot him in the back of the head, thereby doing something right for once.

Alas, remorse set in before Hughstan could complete his plan being dead, Hughstan's father couldn't very well make sure that his son kept his word. Hughstan called up a female acquaintance to confess. Said friend talked Hughstan into not killing himself and convinced him to call the police instead.

And he did, and the size of Hughstan's penis is said to have shrunk 3 sizes that day.

Interesting Facts

  • Ted Schlicker, 49, was found on the floor with his pistol still holstered on his hip.

See Also

External Links


Hughstan Schlicker is part of a series on Dying Alone

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