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Humanitarians Also known as Altruists, Good Guys and People Who've Done Nothing Wrong are people who are usually with a shitload of cash who give like .001% of it to the destitute, starving or people who generally need help, then waste the rest on pampering themselves, and then tout themselves as the next Martin Luther King Jr., making lil' ol' you feel like a greedy, selfish cunt. Unsuprisingly, this phenomena is most commonly found in celebrities.

Your average humanitarian effort.
The Quintessential Altruist

Humanitarians are most typically known for whoring out their causes not for actually benefiting people but for attention, lulz and even more cash to add to their ever increasing vault. More notable instances of such are:

  • Adalia Rose
  • Breast Cancer Awareness
  • Toys for Tots
  • The Michæl Jackson Resurrection Movement


Once upon a time, a bunch of Liberals got toghether and decided that hard, selfless work they were doing should be rewarded with a SUPER-KUL SEKRIT TITLE. And, being liberals, they pulled out the word "human" again to suggest that people were their number one priority (while sipping champagne in a private jet to their new summer island estate).

What you need lots and lots of to be a humanitarian.
Your average humanitarian. Note the smug expression and large sums of money.
The Approximate sum of cash handed out annually by Humanitarian Charities

And then EVERYONE who did ANYTHING remotely kind to another human being started verbally fapping with the title. Except for Asians, as they cannot be called Humanitarians because they are not humans.

What Are the Signs of a Humanitarian?

The sign of a humanitarian
  • They spam the air waves with use of that word. A lot.
  • They have more money than they could EVER use.
  • They have adopted more than one foreign baby.
  • They think they're SO much better than you, just because they're loaded enough to toss around $1million to some starving niggers.
  • They wear tons of snarky buttons or meaningless lapel ribbons.
  • They own either Microsoft or Apple

Where Are They?

Most humanitarians can be found either in Hollywood, a Democratic fudraiser, a super secure part of some shithole country where they do their photo shoots for some advocacy group, or on the television (where they hog the camera and try to cast themselves as a martyr).

What To Do if You Meet One

If the word "humanitarian" comes up, leave. Don't say anything, just go.

Be very careful around humanitarians. They think they have powers and are likely to try and raep you.

See Also