James Randi or Randall James Hamilton Zwinge, is an 80th level Garden Gnome Magician and a psychic's worst nightmare. A self proclaimed skeptic and lulz killer, he has made it his life mission to purge the world of all mysticism, pseudo-science, and fun. His enemies include Peter Popoff, a televangelist with a prosthetic penis, Chancepsych, a Jewish black homo who believes he has the ability to channel the dead, Uri Geller, a magician who claims to be srsly psychic, and other douche bags with lots of money. Every time a new celebrity rises to fame claiming to have God-powers, Randi is there to teach them a lesson. His main weapon of choice is a cheque worth $1,000,000, which he offers to anyone who can prove their powers under a controlled test. After 40 years, no one has won that money, because Randi and his followers rig the tests.
Before his crusades against good times began, Randi was a stage magician. This would seem like blatant hypocrisy at first
because it is, but when one looks closer, they will see that it isn't. Randi always noted that his illusions were just that —illusions. That's why magicians are officially called illusionists. He never claimed that he had psychic powers, telepathy, or any paranormal abilities.
—James Randi, telling it like it is
- 1 Biography
- 2 James Hydrick
- 3 Peter Popoff
- 4 Uri Geller
- 5 Project Alpha
- 6 Sylvia Browne
- 7 Homeopathic Medicine
- 8 Gay
- 9 Responses from the psychic community
- 10 How to Troll James Randi Fans
- 11 Similarities to Wise Beard Man
- 12 Gallery
- 13 External Links
Randi was born on December 25th, 4004 BC. His mother was a virgin who became pregnant after a stack of library books fell on her. Three wise men — David Hume, Charles Darwin and Bertrand Russell—turned up at the stable in which he was born, and informed him he was Satan's Messiah. He was bestowed with magic powers like spoon bending, miraculous healing powers and the ability to move compasses, as well as an uncanny ability to make miracles look like sleight-of-hand.
When he was 7, Randi confirmed his pact with the Devil after tearing the head off a live rabbit and fucking it in the neckhole. After this, Randi became immortal, so he doesn't appear to have aged since about 1960. His black magic has fooled many atheists, all of whom are destined to burn in the eternal fires of Hell.
Randi's ancient crackly videos transfer remarkably well to the medium of YouTube and appear to debunk supernatural powers in easy-to-handle snippets. This is due to his paranormal abilities to see into the future, back in the 70s when he was mildly famous.
Way back in the Paleolithic Era, Randi was on a program called That's My Line, wherein a mystical man named James Hydrick was going to make things move by the magical power of telekinesis. After a brief demonstration, Randi put Styrofoam on to the pages Hyrick was supposed to move. The presence of Styrofoam miraculously defeated Hydrick's powers. Randi claimed that this was because Hydrick was blowing, but no-one will ever truly know what Satanic curse was actually unleashed upon the poor ex-convict.
Hydrick is now an incarcerated sex offender, found guilty of MOUTH RAPE on a girl aged under 14. Randi's powers know no limit.
In the early 80's, Peter "Slimy Fuck" Popoff was busy scamming Christians out of money. Claiming to be a "faith healer", he would host televised services in which black people with AIDS would throw their small amount of money at him, and in return would be "healed". None of them even had a clue that Peter Popoff wasn't even the guy's real name, but was merely his stage name from when he used to work in porn. Popoff's baffling power was to know secrets about audience members, which he could only have got directly from God telling him. James Randi and his beard smelt bullshit. On The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Randi exposed to the world that Popoff was using an earbud with his wife on the other end to gain this knowledge about the crowd members. Popoff immediately filed bankruptcy and then disappeared to the Forbidden Forest to feed on unicorn blood until strong enough to return.
And return he did. After 20 years in darkness, Popoff and his wife returned to the scene, slimier than ever. Instead of traveling the country hosting "miracle crusades", Popoff is now running infomercials on late-night television. Presumably, stepping outside is incredibly dangerous for him, seeing as Randi is always near. Inside Edition produced a special expose on Peter Popoff, interviewing James Randi once again. However, this might not be enough to end the fucker's career this time around. We need your help. Yeah, you! Please consult this video for instructions (skip the first minute or so; the filmmaker is an idiot).
Around the same time, Geller was at the peak of his career. He was best known for bending spoons, reading minds, and being a Jew. Randi, being the antisemite he is, exposed Geller countless times. Surprisingly, Geller continues to claim he possesses supernatural power, making him the laughing stock of, well, anyone who knows about James Randi.
—Geller's only way out of the argument.
Obviously Geller's true views on the matter are much different. In the 90's, Geller filed a lawsuit against Randi in response to a book he wrote called The Truth about Uri Geller. This book gave spoilers on the secrets behind Geller's tricks, and ultimately exposed him as a fraud. At this point, it had become a habit of Randi's to kick Geller's ass regularly, and he didn't stop here. The lawsuit failed, and the courts actually made Uri Geller pay James Randi $150,000! LOL!
Randi again used his black magick to befuddle the scientific community with "Project Alpha". In this, he chose two lesser-demons to work with him in throwing doubt to the reality of their Satanic powers. These two vile beings then bent spoons in front of brilliant scientists, who let them fuck around with (bend) the spoons beforehand. The scientists had obviously missed elementary physics, because they believed these guys and thought they had found proof for magic. Double blind tests and scientific rigor next time plz.
Randi then announced that this was all a hoax and the two boys weren't actually supermen, making the billions of dollars of money spent on this kind of stuff look pointless. Which it obviously isn't.
Uri Geller has also been tested by scientists, but he is a genuine miracle-worker, so no parallels can be drawn.
The scientists have now been retrained as plasterers — a job they can actually do.
Sylvia Browne, of Montel and Larry King fame, is one of Randi's more recent preferred targets. This witch tries to speak to the dead; however, it is usually a prank call because she seems to end up being wrong whenever facts are ascertained.
James Randi asked her to take part in his Million Dollar Challenge, and she accepted. This was a long time ago, but she has so far refused to get conclusively proven false. Randi will therefore never miss an opportunity to encourage his followers to pray for her demise. Because secretly, he knows this works.
If you ever needed more proof that the old bitch is a phony.
James Randi has been a long time critic of "homeopathic medicine", that is, medicine that uses the least amount of main ingredients. An example of homeopathic medicine would be HeadOn, the glue stick that "cures headaches". After extensive research, Randi concluded that the gel-bar of HeadOn is composed of 99.9% wax. Being a man who likes his drugs strong and long-lasting, he was outraged.
James Randi is also a faggot (proof). He announced his gayness to the world at age 81 and just before he was going to die, maybe because, with his keen objective eye, he realised that nobody would pay attention to another faggy magician.
—Hairy beard bumsex
Responses from the psychic community
—Proof that PSI exists.
—Butt-hurt liar obviously lying.
—Article appears to troll well.
How to Troll James Randi Fans
As much as you might respect this hero, James Randi's fans are, like anyone's fans, incredibly annoying and elitist. The dogma and mysticism they sought to escape has returned in their community, with Randi acting as their God and fapping material. They will eat up any shit he feeds them, without question. Obviously, trolling these motherfuckers is very fun. Their current lair is here, but feel free to troll his YouTube videos too. Supreme trolling techniques include:
- Call Randi a hypocrite. Say that he worked as a psychic before he became a professional skeptic, and only switched because the latter was more Jew.
- Say that PSI is a proven fact, and that the majority of scientists accept it.
- Tell them that Randi is giving Uri Geller tons of free publicity. Link them to this page. Also, inform them that Uri Geller has been tested and is proven to have psychic powers.
- If all else fails, link them to meatspin.
Similarities to Wise Beard Man
Some argue that James Randi and Wise Beard Man are very similar. The comparisons include:
- Both are enemies of supernatural bullshit.
- Both have beards that would put Karl Marx to shame.
- Both will probably be assassinated at some point.
- James Randi and House MD troll an astrologer.
James Randi puts a bitch in her place.
- Another ass-handing
James Randi defeats the Asian Magneto.BALEETED due to butthurt A TL;DW lectureGone due to angry homeopathists.
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