James S. Harris

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James S. Harris is a man famous for being epically beaten down in February 2009 in Platte City, Missouri for trying to jack a first gen Xbox. In the course of this, Harris became a poster child for those who have been firmly, beyond a doubt, completely pwnt.


Early morning on February 22nd, 2009, Harris was attending a party in Platte County, a section of Kansas City known for passive aggressive white people who do it (read: everything) mostly for the lulz. Like most parties, the one Harris was attending was filled with drunken idiots and stoned whores. Deciding to take a move straight out of General William Sherman's playbook, Harris tried to walk off with the loot of the area he was in: a first generation Xbox. No real motivation for this is apparent, though the outcome of the situation indicates that Harris was not doing it for the lulz.

It is a delicious ecksbawks. You must steal it.
"Yo dang man I tell you what you jack with them daggum ol' Platte County boys up all in their north of the daggum Muddy Mo River they dmnagon man they gonna go "BAH BAH BAH BOOM!!!" in yo face mmpgn you gonna bein' all nnpn daggum bashed the heck out man yo dang."
Arresting officers
Computer-generated simulation of what Harris's anus might look like after being released from prison(No Lubes in prison ).

Epic lulz went around the world.

The Fail

Harris, a known fatass, drunkenly hallucinated that the Xbox was delicious cake, and set out on an epic quest to eat said delicious cake. Unfortunately, he did did not have the ninja like stealth to get past the guards of the precious machine. Though he chose the correct play for the moment- Sherman's method of feeding liberally off of those who cannot oppose you- Harris made one grave miscalculation: Drunk people get angry when you steal their shit. Harris had not laid the proper groundwork of making sure the party goers were wasted enough, something he would come to pay dearly for.

Shit Gets Real

As he struggled to move his pudgy frame through the door, Harris was spotted by two other party goers. Using all of his might, Harris wedged out of the door frame, out of the house, and waddled towards his car. In pursuit were the Xbox's owner (surprisingly, a female) and her male friend. Like nearly all other fat neckbeards in the world, Harris had an obsession with knives, and drew his out in order to melee his pursuers, stabbing them both. The first strike hit the woman in the stomach, slicing open her liver. The man then stepped in front of the woman in order to protect her, and was stabbed in the hand.


Upon seeing the woman bleeding, the man who had come to confront Harris quickly called his buddies, who did not find any lulz whatsoever in how Harris had stabbed a perfectly good drunken woman. They then unleashed nerd rage on Harris as only drunk gamers could. When emergency personnel arrived, they took the woman to the hospital. They then found Harris lying face down in the front yard, with his fat face turned into a mug resembling a black person performer. Unfortunately for Harris, his fat had not shielded him from the can of whoopass that was opened on him.

Conclusion (more like concussion, amirite?)

Harris was hauled off to jail by the cops, who must have been laughing their asses off at what Harris had done. The prosecutor, seeing potential for his kind of lulz, charged Harris with theft and with assault for stabbing the party's hosts. In May 2010, Harris was found guilty of all charges brought against him. Noone should feel sorry for him, because his beat-down prepared him for his long stay in prison, where his rectum will receive an expansion at the hand of a large black man named Bubba.

See Also

External Links

Original Story- Crime Scene KC blog

Missouri CASE.NET Entry

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