Japan Crisis of 2011

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Japan is now in a crisis due to at least 100 aftershocks, a few nuclear explosions, and a gigantic Tsunami. It didn't even NEED the big lizard this time.


The Japan Crisis of 2011, currently fansubbed as Tsuclearemmor:RUCKY3 HEAVEN SHINE NOW is the latest development in the Earth's ongoing campaign to destroy Japan. On Friday, March 11, Mother Nature showed up about seven decades late to World War II and decided to finish the job. Beginning with an earthquake, which caused a tsunami, both of which heavily damaged multiple nuclear reactors, leading to mass destruction and panic until everyone stopped giving a shit so they could hate on that Friday song.

How it Happened

Why you shouldn't fuck with Pokémon.

It all started when the nation got its shit rocked by an earthquake, overachieving yet again, trying some sort of record and measuring 8.9 or 9.0 on the Richter scale. While the non-volcano dwelling people of the world sat back and laughed as Nipponites struggled to keep their buildings standing and their frames hanging on the walls, nature reached her limit break. It should also be noted that some believe Japan had actually slammed into a giant iceberg.

The aftermath of the quake triggered a big-ass tsunami that swept through pretty much the entire Pacific coast. Obliterating infrastructure, killing thousands, leaving millions homeless, and worst of all delaying vending machine used school girl panty production by days.

To make matters worse, one of Japan's many nuclear power plants were apparently not built to function after being shaken violently and thrown to the bottom of the sea, and Japs are too fucking retarded to figure out how to plug in new generators in the eight hours they had power after the tsunami. There is a lolternational UNeffort effort to prevent Japan experiencing a Chernobyl, for the third time. Godzilla, giant robots, and cybernetic Biblical aliens are expected to show up in the coming days to finish off whatever remains of the once proud land of tentacle porn and cheap hookers. Weeaboos can look forward to watching their fantasy home be blown to complete utter fucking oblivion over and over in every single movie, tv show, video game, comic, and (lol) book produced by that country for the next 50 years. Stuff like this leaves a mark, desu? Could have been better though, California could have been taken along with it.

One school of thought is that this might not be a bad thing. Before WW2, Japan was all full of backwards rice eating types and after they got dropped by a nuclear bomb they went on to invent all sorts of goodness from the Playstation to the Sega Genesis. Obviously it may be that the best thing they need is a good solid nuclear ass fucking every 50 or 60 years to come rain, shine, tidal wave, or American Bomber: set your Geiger-Counter-Clock for, oh, 2060.

The Damage

File:Bikecat survives the tsunami.jpg
Thankfully, BIKECAT has managed to survive the onslaught.

  • The anime and manga industries will experience severe setbacks, with fears of the next installment of K-ON! being cancelled
  • Video game release dates are expected to be delayed by months
  • The hentai industry may not fully recover for a year or more
  • Weeaboos the world over will cry fat pocky fueled tears of sorrow
  • A cloud of radioactive DOOM should be headed towards Tokyo this week
  • Rumors of "Japan edition" expansion packs to Fallout and S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
  • The Japanese race will become even more mutated, potentially giving birth to real life catgirls (fingers crossed!)
  • White knights will sob tirelessly as Minxy's heavenly boobs will taint the local milk supply with radioiodine
  • Madagascar will be closed indefinitely frustrating plagues everywhere
  • There's also, like, debris and water covering the whole nation...
  • ...oh, and a bunch of people died...
  • The Japs fucked the corpses of the victims
  • ...probably not a good time to be looking into real estate investment in Asia, either
  • Even though its 5,000 miles away and the wind is blowing in the opposite direction, California has practically collapsed in its own asshole for fear that radioactive Fallout from Japan will rain down on them.
  • Americans living throughout Ohio and the midwest of the US are afraid of their nuclear plants being hit by tsunamis. You know Lake Erie has it in for them...
  • Three Mile Island is expected to be hit by a tsunami of French nuclear power plants in the coming months
  • The Japs are now eating shit.

Despite the high-level pwnage, IRL commentators noted an absence of looting or other such hard partying amongst the bedraggled survivors. While people in a real country would undoubtedly seize the temporary absence of law and order to smash more shit up and rob inundated 7-11s, what did the Japs do? Voluntarily restrain their own non-essential power consumption and form orderly queues for 12 hours to buy essential goods like food, water, and hentai. This does no more than confirm to the rest of the world that the Japanese are emotionless bee-people. That and there is a gigantic penalty for taking lost property and a reward for turning it in. Not that anyone is particularly looking for radiated video games and ricecookers at the moment.

The Internet Responds

Like all tragic world disasters, it didn't take long for the internet and other various media to churn out some delicious drama. The usual players were all present - /b/ making offensive jokes and crude shops, morally uptight citizens calling for relief aid, and celebrities attention-whoring themselves so they can say unimportant things in front of cameras.

Furthermore, given the lack of information regarding Japan's current well-being, numerous fake death articles have sprung up all over, claiming people such as Shigeru Miyamoto and Norio Wakamoto have died, leading to a surge of panic in weeaboo-centric areas of the internet.

These events are divine payback for Pearl Harbor, and the trolling opportunities are ample from whatever direction you approach the situation. It's a Dramacrat's dream.

Stay classy, America.
in case you needed more reasons to lose all faith in humanity

We Americans have the technology and the warfare to kill these people, we should take advantage of the opportunity while they are weak and drowning and bomb them to kingdom come. We should then make a move to conquer that territory and make it a part of the United States of America to show all other countries USA is #1. We rule this world and if anyone gets in our way we will fuck you up, even the British 'cause they are fucking retarded ass people. I wish this had happened to the British instead.


—one Murrican's Youtube comment

Note that if similar comments had been made by other countries regarding Jews forcing airplane-to-building intercourse, a massive wave (even larger than that of everyone's favorite Tsunami) would have washed over the internets as the patriot fucks BAWWWed about people making jokes about a national disaster that killed thousands of people, until the combined bitching reaches such a level that it causes some sort of whiny singularity. Naturally, you should go do this now. Bonus points if you tell them that 9/11 was retribution for 'Nam.

Tokyo Electric Power Co Vs. BP Oil Company

A challenger appears...

Not to be outdone by the gross incompetence of BP oil, Japan's power industry needed their own disaster that would destroy a coastal region. Using the BP disaster as a template, they follow the industry standard.

BP Oil

Day 1 BP oil claims their platform blew up and they are leaking a small amount of oil. Their blowout preventer failed, they just need to get it back online.

Day 5 News reports come out showing oil is spewing all over the gulf, killing animals, wildlife, and environmentalists. They fail to get the blowout preventer online.

Week 1 BP executives begin pumping sea water and heavy mud into the pipe in a failed attempt to stop the flow. BP execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Week 2 BP proposes a "junk shot"shooting a bunch of shit into the pipe in a desperate attempt to contain the oil. The plan is not approved.

Week 3 Oil begins appearing all over the coasts, the leak is magnitudes worse than initially reported. The gulf coast is fucked. Tens of billions of dollars are wasted.

Tokyo Electric

Day 1 Tokyo Electric claims that there is a small problem with their reactors. Their cooling pump malfunctioned, they just need to get it back online.

Day 5 News reports come out showing that their "small leak" is actually spewing radiation all over Japan, with reactors all over the plant leaking water, catching fire, and blowing up. They fail to get the pumps online.

Week 1 Tokyo Electric begins pumping sea water into their reactors in an effort to cool them. The sea water leaks out or misses and the plan fails. Tokyo Electric execs admit they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Week 2 Tokyo Electric proposes dumping a bunch of sand in the reactors in a desperate attempt to contain the radiation. The plan is not approved.

Week 3 A pattern emerges...?

Moby Dick is responsible

Many PETA fags and enviroterrorists now claim that Dolphins, whales, and other miscellaneous sea life are behind the Wapanese catastrophe. Finally after years of hunting whales, dolphins, and mercury poisoning. Them little porpoises got sick of Japan's bullshit and simultaneously CAME causing the earth to shake violently from the hugefuck orgy. Same shit as how the A-Rabs caused 911. In other words; probably completely 100% true.

Recall on Japanese Microwave Ovens

Print this out and post it all over your Town before people stop giving a shit! Too Late.

As if people didn't have enough reason to be ignorantly wary of nuclear power plants, Japan now faces apocalypse-style meltdown. In the aftermath of the tsunami, several power plants started malfunctioning, and one in particular, the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant, started to blow the fuck up. Government officials initially tried to trollface their way through the ordeal, stating that the radiation leak posed no harm to humans, but eventually folded and admitted that they really don't know what the shit is going on. The end result is that you have a few million people wandering aimlessly around damp, rubble filled islands with surgical masks on.

And like all good Samaritans, westerners have been terribly worried about this tragedy - worried for themselves, that is. Yes, people THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY on the western shores of the USA and Canada are already flipping their shit about the possibility that just maybe the unclear amount of radiation leak might drift across the ocean and inconvenience their otherwise earthquake and tsunami free lives. One's heart must really go out to those poor souls, having to live in such constant fear and turmoil.

Anyway, if you feel like stirring up some unneeded panic, now is a good time to make this into a much bigger deal than it actually is. Hell, you even have the news networks on your side.

A general timeline of Fukishima:

  • Dugtrio uses Earthquake. It is Super Effective and cuts main power grid. Backup diesel generators come online.
  • Mudkip swamps diesel generators with Tsunami. It is a Critical Hit. Battery backup generator comes online.
  • Japs ship in new generators but the plugs are too fucking big, and fap off to anime instead of doing something about it. The battery backup runs out after the designed eight hours.
  • A hydrogen explosion occurs. Americunts throughout California become paranoid of radiation, and Germany shuts off its own nuclear plants. In a twist of fate, Germany's wind turbines overload their power grid and cause blackouts throughout Sweden.
  • Japs cannot get unit three under control. Grimer and Muk start showing up.
  • This causes Americans living 100+ miles from the coast to panic about their nuke plants getting hit by tsunamis. ED writes that multiple plants are blowing up, which is obviously false.

Good news: Maru is safe (9000 wanted to know)

Nipponese youtube superstar Maru unharmed and unimpressed by catastrophe -- God loves Maru!

Nuclear Boy: Setting the record straight

educational video to inform the general population about risk of fallout

Play For Japan!

Meanwhile, the Christians have decided they are going to pray (プレー, pronounced "play") for Japan, despite the Japanese being a bunch of anti-Christians. However, as Pamela M Foreman has already pointed out, God has already heard the players and answered.

educational video to inform the general population why it happened

In Related News from Japan...

There are more than 300 [Christian] churches in the affected area; many have suffered the loss of pastors and church members, while other believers are still unaccounted for, and church buildings have been destroyed.


—A conservative Christian group

Innapropriate Jokes from Jews

File:Glow in the dark sushi.JPG
The old Japanese recipe for glow-in-the-dark sushi

I just broke up with my japanese girlfriend, but I'll be okay since there's plenty of others in the sea.


I recently fucked a Japanese girl. She was screaming, "I feer the earth moving and I'm getting orr wet!


A 9.0?! Hell, even their earthquake scores are higher than ours!


What do all Japanese people have in their apartments? Flood lights.


I was trying to play Quake with some Japanese friends the other day, but the servers were all flooded


One of my friends just opened a restaurant in Japan. Business was a bit shaky to begin with but customers have started to drift in now


The Japanese government have thanked the British government for sending over sniffer dogs. They sent a message of gratitude and said they were fucking delicious!


The Japanese are really advanced people. They don't go to the beach, it comes to them!


Keep watch on eBay or Amazon for Japanese products and electronics on discount due to water damage


Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Japan.


Isn't it ironic that fish are eating raw Japanese?


In Summary...

They still handled themselves a hell of a lot better than New Orleans ever did.

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See Also

External Links

Japan Crisis of 2011 is part of a series on 日本国

Typical Japanese people. 日本人
Hard GayOtoya YamaguchiMutsuo Toi Satoshi Uematsu

Typical Japanese Culture. 日本の人文
Big DaikonAnimeManga2chanHerbivore MenJapanese Bug FightsShimajiroAnimu ArchetypesDating sim

Typical Japanese Porn. 日本の猥本
BukkakeHarem ComedyHentaiGuroPantyshotShotaconLoliconYaoiYuri