Jeff Gerstmann

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One of the biggest trolls to ever exist in the video game reviewer world (not that it's a difficult feat)

Jeff Gerstmann was a well-known new media troll, who served at the prestigious videogame journalism website Gamespot for a full 11 years. Over his 11 year stay at Gamespot (run by liars, pedos, and fags of course), Jeff trolled many a console fanboy, gleefully giving games low scores to piss people off (or high scores, such as giving Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 a 10). In November of 2007, Jeff was fired from Gamespot, after posting a mean, nasty review of Kane & Lynch. He later joined up with other ex-Gamespot employees and formed a new shitty website called Giant Bomb.

Twilight Princess Review

Jeff, wearing his favorite team jersey.

Twilight Princess was the latest Zelda game made by Nintendo, released for the Nintendo Wii (and then the Gamecube a month later, but nobody gives a shit about the Gamecube anymore). As soon it was released, critics shot their acidic loads all over the game, thanks in part to the Wii's overly phallic controls. Jeff, however, was wary of this mind-melting bukakke session happening between critics, and decided to actually use logic and reasoning in his review; a trolling technique often disregarded in favor of shitting dick nipples and Last Measure. A video review can be seen YouTube Favicon.png here.

In the end, Jeff ended up giving the game an 8.8, considered a very low score on Gamespot's 7-10 scale. As a result of this the internets exploded within minutes of Gerstmann posting his review, causing Nintendo fans to mess their diapers, and cry uncontrollably as they begged for their bottles. Gerstmann's troll bait had been successful, as gaming communities from all across the interwebs were preaching their hate for the man, as he single-handedly battled demons of stupidity.[1] [2] [[3]

As time went on though, Gerstmann started to feel a bout of troll's remorse, and started going around to random videogame forums to defend his honor. Kind of like how a 16 year old girl IMs you to ask why you don't like her. Gerstmann unfortunately failed to win the public over, in their claims that '8.8 was the same thing as a 9.0' (which is a complete fucking lie if you've ever read a review from anyone else that works at Gamespot). Shortly after the drama transpired, the higher-ups decided to switch to a 20 point system, thwarting one of Jeff's most useful trolling resources, thus foreshadowing his eventual fall from grace.

Gerstmann Gets His Fat-ass fired

Around mid-November 2007, Gerstmann got his grubby little hands on the newest Kane & Lynch game. Although he panned the game like every single other publication in existence, Gerstmann decided to take it one step further by being extremely negative in his video review. Why, you ask? Well, Eidos, the company who made Kane & Lynch, recently gave one hundred thousand dollars to Gamespot under the table, so they could advertise the bloody hell out of their game. This is the same Gamespot that Jeff works for, if you haven't already snapped your fingers and bobbed your head like a black person.

In doing this, Jeff unleashed the drama llama upon the internet, forcing Gamespot to take down his review of Kane & Lynch, and disabling user reviews for it, since their ever-loyal userbase used them as a platform to test out combinations of swear words on the money grubbing execs. CNet, the prostitution ring that owns Gamespot, quickly issued a statement saying that Jeff wasn't fired over the review, but this quickly turned out to be a bold-faced lie, after Eidos employees revealed they were upset with the 'tone of the review'.

In response to tubby's termination, one of his fellow co-workers decided to quit along with him, effectively beginning the domino effect that will eventually topple CNet. Other websites such as IGN and 1Up also came together to support Gerstmann, by marching out of their offices on December 3rd to protest in the streets. Unfortunately though, since most game reviewers are liberal pussies, they quickly retreated to the safety of their tiny cubicles, in fear of getting sprayed down by the hose. Shittaku predicts that mass resignations will occur, thanks to their always reliable anonymous sources.

Although it may have cost Jeff his job, Gamespot will most certainly go swirling into a deep quarry of goat shit, until it chokes on its own feces and goes belly-up. The banned-like-Jesus video review can be seen below, in all its glory.


See Also

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