Jeff Wood

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In the beginning, God made the earth and heavens. And around 6PM he jumped in the Porsche and hit the road to catch an up and coming band labeled by Hustler Magazine as their favorite band, aptly named Shat. They happened to be performing at a house party Satan was hosting (this being before he got butthurt over God pwning him in the Garden) and fun times were had by all. Soon after that Shat invaded the Internets with their catchy pop tunes and heart warming lyrics, shattering ancient prophecies with the greatest of ease only paralleled to Moses parting the red sea with his penis.


Moar penises than Pear Chan could ever take (when JB status rescinds).
Performing "Silent Night" at the local Newark Presbyterian Church.
Rick Astley finally got over his fear of flying ALL LIES!!11
You are seeing correctly. Jeff Wood is fucking a tree.
Mommy loves me, even though I'm made of poop.
Even though he is a furry, Jeff Wood is still made of epic win.


 
 
Several years ago, Jeff Wood, an already budding musical prodigy was forever transformed into a modern day superhero when a stray bullet was lodged into his frontal lobe as he stood by innocently and unknowingly during a gang shootout in Los Angeles. This in fact could have been the actual and factual true Magic Bullet. Instead of killing Wood, it remained firmly in place as he lay a bed-ridden victim, and the small shard of mystical metal began manifesting and awakening previously unknown powers in Jeff Wood. As he relearned menial day-to-day tasks such as tying his shoes, he found that his musical gifts had not only remained unaffected, but had taken on a quality of twisted uber-genius. Gone forever from his once normal brain were trivial thoughts and worries of the average mind, and replaced with a child-like primal mind driven by sex, food, and rock n roll music. With the transformation complete, the world was ready to be saved, and Jeff Wood was the chosen one. Thus, the true essence of SHAT is the basic nature of life: fucking, feeding, and rocking like none other. SHAT is here to elevate the quality of todays bland music scene by writing songs which Wood claims consist of nothing but choruses, as well as liberal usage of the word cunt. SHAT songs are anthems for the average working man, and the misfit miscreant in us all. Every day people who work as laborers and lawn mowers (Woods secret identity being a common landscaper) can relate to the common themes expressed in such songs as Thank God For Pussy, Show Your Tits, and of course, Shit On Her Tits. These are just a few of the key tracks from SHATs sophomore album CUNTREE. CUNTREE is the follow up to the hugely successful underground classic THE CUNT CHRONICLES. Both of these landmark releases serve to prove that bullets in the brain quite possibly give one a supernatural access to musical gifts beyond that of other mortal musicians. Over the course of listening to these 69 songs in 69 minutes, one cannot help but be converted into a SHAT believer. The masterwork that is CUNTREE will undoubtedly inspire legions of struggling musicians to wander the streets of Compton after dark in hopes of catching a hot lead head wound, and inheriting a modicum of the superhuman talent displayed in these tracks. Songs like I Fucked Your Wife and Give Cunt A Chance guarantee to convince the world that SHAT is the future of rock n roll, Jeff Wood is the musical messiah, and were all here to be saved whether we are prepared for it or not
 

 

Actual Shat Internet Biography


I wear dicks, therefore I am.

PROTIP: This band is entirely composed of dongs, Rule 34 and everything you are not. Pray that one day they will come to your house and pee on your couches. Also they are well known to allow British girls to puke on them in the street.


Who Needs Talent? I've Got A Bullet In My Head

Even Pedobear wants less edit and moar Shat.

Every year or so around Thursday Shat founder/molester MY.gif Jeff Wood runs into his little batcave that he purchased from Batman for around 9000 dollars. Thanks to generous donations from dildo corporations around the world, Jeff has managed to create the world's greatest recording studio. It is outfitted with the only the best internet access money can buy so he can constantly post his nude pics on /b/, although no one gives a shit about Jeff's real n00dz since no live girls are included. Examination of the Cunt Flavored Lollipops LP's liner notes will show a collage of sexual acts with a blow up doll. Some argue this is much cooler than Chris-Chan's affair with Julie, but since pornography is very important to Jeff, be rest assured that only the sickest of sick fuckery perforates through the TV into his already sex-addled mind. Pr0n giant YouPorn has linked via satellite a permanent connection to his home entertainment center via the bullet in his head; thus he can approve or b&hammer the latest in amateur sex.

It is widely known that in Los Angeles, Jeff was an innocent bystander in a shootout between rival gang members outside of his apartment Normal men would have been denied the chance of an-heriosm by this, but this was no ordinary man. He had the power of the internets, and of it's bastard child, MySpace. Thanks to a new-found appreciation for the finer things in life (such as cunt, beer and lulzy music) Jeff was able to start a project dedicated to breaking in 18-year olds in seedy club bathroom stalls across the country.

And this, my friends, is how Shat began.

Verses From The Books Of Jeff

He was doing this when Chris Cornell was in diapers straight.

The April 20, 2270 edition of the Los Angeles Times report the findings of four audio mediums which come from the Compact Disc age of the 20th century. Jon Stewart, Jr. reports on these discoveries and why they are important to the rebuilding of America.

"America needs a new hope, and that hope can be found in the teachings of Shat," said President Track Palin Jr., who read from a pre-recorded statement made at the New White House in Wasilla, Alaska. "We have discovered through the writings of the prophet Jeff Wood that we are able to bring to fruition a new life for ourselves and our kids through cunt consumption."

Upon close examination of the Holy Scriptures lyrics of Shat songs, the following truths come to light:

  • Just like every good Christian organization, they disapprove of homosexuality. (One Cunt Is Better Than None)
  • Vomiting on a woman's vagina is the quickest way to impress her. (I Threw Up On Her Cunt)
  • The finer things in life include incestual cunt-sumption. (Nothing Would Be Finer Than To Lick Your Mom's Vagina)
  • Men are better than women. (Bro's before Ho's)
  • My Cock + Your Breasts = black person. TIT FUCK!!! (Tit Fuck)
  • Menstrual blood does possess a usefulness outside of alerting men when women start their bitch cycle. (My Menstrual Art Gallery)

These are all useful to everyday practicality and especially on the Internet, which we all have to ride to get to work. Some argue that it's all a bunch of bullshit but either way we get to fuck, so who cares?

What, Kill Baby? Only Every Day!

Who can resist a man wearing a helmet of dicks on it? And besides, what the fuck do you think Christina Aguilera is doing right now?

The entirety of Jeff's on-stage image consists of lots and lots of dongs attached to him via hockey shin guard, a football helmet (with a row of dicks similar to a mohawk) and the crucifix made of huge dildos even Erica Juggalette wouldn't touch in Second Life. What makes it moar lulzy is that these dongs have been in women all over the USA, and they love every minute of this sick fuck serenading them with songs like Born To Be A Lesbian, Fuck To Just Fuck, Trip To The Gynecologist and Odorous Yellow/Green Vaginal Discharge.

His backing band all wear shit and piss-stained diapers, securing them seats at the right hand of the Sister Almitey.

Dickography

Jeff makes his love for cunt well known by inserting the word into each album title. OL this gives him +1 HP and the Master Sword which turns out to leave devastating effects all over the internets.

Another plus to owning a Shat album is that there are over 60+ songs on each one to browse through, such as Nothing Would Be Finer Than To Lick Your Mom's Vagina, Shut The Fuck Up (noted for its positive trolling at IRL feminazi rallies), Grandpa Is Playing With His Penis, Asshole and Grammy-winning potential single Piss On The Puke.

Shat's first release, appropriately titled Cunt Parm. This album predicted the future vomitfest of noted junk whore PixelBee.

Cunt Parm

Similar to horror flicks that were made back in the '80's, the freshman release by Shat in 1998 hit the internets like a storm. The only problem with that was the storm was a weakling pussy and Jeff didn't know his way around IRC anymore than he did a glory hole in real life.

However IRL this album began to appear at high schools all over the United States, and high school principals everywhere shit bricks as kids were observed singing lyrics from Fuck, I Stepped In Shit:


   
 
Oh fuck, I stepped in shit / And now my shoes are going to smell
 

 
 

—Shat, proving that poop education is important

Some argue that this band was actually a satirical take on perversion in the media, even though that those of us with sense know that's bullshit. Songs such as It's About Time You Sucked On My Penis always create epic lulz when played loudly outside any local artsy fartsy coffee shop.

Cunt Flavored Lollipops

   
 
The only thing better than a fat chick is a fat ho!
 

 
 

—Jeff Wood, speaking truth at the Notre Dame commencement speech


Sticking to what gave him the inspiration to create such lulzy songs, Shat decided they would take a side approach with their second release, Cunt Flavored Lollipops. Starting off with the typical disclaimer that warned the listener of that if they were offended by words like fuck, shit or cunt that they should refrain from listening any further. This helped Fred Phelps to incorrectly identify Shat on Larry King Live as a homosexual band and lulz erupted when their single Kill Baby came to be played in abortion clinics and strip clubs all across the USA.


   
 
Oh my God, I'm pregnant / What are we gonna do? Kill baby! Kill Baby!
 

 
 

—Shat - Kill Baby, the greatest song evar

Cunt Chronicles

Sold over 420,000 and rising!

Of course, when you have two albums and over 100 songs, in there some material must be worthy of becoming a hit, amirite? Well that's what moar high school kids planting /b/ with CP are listening to these days, according to black person.


   
 
There is a new threat to children everywhere, in the mainstream looking to take over your kids and pervert them to a lifestyle of debauchery. The band Shat is sick and they are of the worst of tastes. And they have over 9000 followers and counting.
 

 
 

Oprah, proving once again nigras shouldn't be on television


   
 
Itching and scratching / Your balls are attacking / Biting your dick / They burn and they itch / Biting and munching and itching and scratching / The Crabs! The Crabs! The Crabs! The Crabs!
 

 
 

—Shat, The Crabs


Shat Motivational Poster.PNG

Cuntree

Purchase on iPoon today!

In this album the babies explore their love for shitting in diapers and Jeff begins a fondness for arborphilia matched only by legendary IRL pigs Amalea and Stop Stapp.

Notable releases featured on Tina Turner's What What (In The Butt) 2.0 Tour:

  • Any Cunt You Can Fuck I Can Fuck Better
  • Mama's Little Baby Loves Suckin' Dicks
  • Eating Out A Girl Is The Most Brilliant Thing
  • Suck Me Off
  • Skull Fuck
  • She Left Without Saying Goodbye
  • She's A Sex Offender
  • I Thought That Mike Patton Was My Friend
  • Give Cunt A Chance

Bam Margera Fucks Your Wife

Exploring his newly-found gay side, Bam bottoms for Shat in between filming Viva La Bam.

Professional skater and MTV Jackass star Bam Margera took the gospel of Jeff Wood to heart by performing a most lulzworthy hardcore softporn with the song I Fucked Your Wife as the background music, which was indeed quite fitting.

The video begins with Bam tapping Ryan Dunn's wife repeatedly throughout the skit while Ryan unknowingly goes throughout his daily routine of being a poofster and bottom boy for Craigslist's M4M section. Shots are had, golf is played, and pussy gets tapped on top of a pool table. For once, Bam doesn't act like a total camfaggot although his attention whoring will never cease due to those weekly deposits those Jew bastards drop in his Don Vito-sized bank accounts.

Ryan's wife also gets cunt-pwnt at a mansion that usually gets rented for bukkake gay porn, however was freed up when the stars of 500 Hands All Over Me mysteriously developed carpal tunnel syndrome and were unable to perform. Closets and staircases get put to great use, and one wishes the kids would walk in the middle of all this great debauchery just this one time!

Bam ends teh video by acting karaoke to lip-synching that he, indeed, fucked your bitch. This does dispute whether or not he is fully gay, since he did fake-fuck your wife. His close friendship with HIM singer Ville Vallo is laced with homosexual rumors and when you hang out with a guy who wears dicks for a living, you can't help but think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, amirite?

Girls Love Shat

Shat have proven that they are able to get laid with the best of cockblockers for fappable material dressed up the way they are. That is strange, since the other three members all wear piss and shit-ridden diapers as their on-stage getup. But on this one Halloween, Jeff Wood fucked every girl in sight and while dressed up as what could be the most obvious trap in the world. Every girl in these pictures has a functioning Plenty Of Fish account and can be contacted for your own personal sexy time.

See Also

Kill Baby, eh? In Soviet Russia Baby Kill You!

External Links

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