Jennifer Emick

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
What? This article needs moar trollage, shoops, and vids.
You can help by adding moar trollage, shoops, and vids.
The Internet is on computers now? A+!
Jennifer Emick took CSIII. Only 1337 niggers like Jennifer Emick are even allowed to enroll in CSIII, and you couldn't pass it... Ever. In fact, Jennifer Emick ALREADY has your DNS Numbers. Better buy a dog and hang some curtains. Jennifer Emick is a HACKER ON STEROIDS who wrote the software that powers the INTERNET HATE MACHINE.

You'd hit it until you heard it.

Jennifer Emick is a self-styled 'alternative religion guru', writer and internet troll. She suffers from delusions of grandeur, believing that everything she says is infallible, whether or not she has dox to back it up. After being fired from her job, she began spending all her time attempting to convince everyone else that the moderators of WWP had been infiltrated by OSA, the CIA and Reptilians. She accomplished this by changing her story whenever someone asked her a question she couldn't answer. Thus, her reputation as a lulzcow was established. Eventually it led to rebellion by her personal army of assburgers and emotionally fragile women, resulting in even more butthurt. Jennifer is currently going from forum to forum, trying to get someone to listen to her fantasies.

Work From Home! Make Up To $3000 A Week On Your Computer!

Jennifer is an expert in the field of alternative religions and a Grade AAA Internet detective. Extensive journalistic inquiry reveals that she was a big deal in the 20th century. Jennifer "spent some time in college," has a Wikipedia article, has been on television and actually believes that "for some reason, millions of people are interested in what I write."


I'm smarter than I look.


— Jennifer Emick, admitting the importance of both intelligence and beauty.

Jennifer's greatest work to date is's Guide to Alternative Religions by Jennifer Emick Catherine Noble Beyer, the interloping biatch who slid into Jen's rightful place as queen of the realm, forcing Jen to set up her own alt religion website and put a wicked hex on her usurper. Her extensive professional experience at this internet thing and her mastery of magick have demonstrated that she is both an expert haxor and an expert hexor.

Formerly Employed

New York Times via - Alt Religion Guide

Vanity Publishing

Author: Jennifer Emick
Publisher: Adams Media Corp

$2 toilet paper can be found under the name:
The Everything Celtic Wisdom Book
ISBN-10: 1598695401 ISBN-13: 9781598695403

Meet The Family

Jason, Both Full And Wider? Doubtful.

Jennifer married Jason Fullenwider on June 13, 1999. When asked if her husband had changed his last name to compensate for something, Jen giggled nervously and said no. "Fullenwider" is a centuries-old German name.


I met a beautiful girl while I was going to college. We had a difficult beginning. We were sleeping in a car for a while. Homelessness has a way of putting life in perspective. We got married, started a family and are still going strong. We have three children together and a stepson. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship.


— Jason Littledong

Jason, Jizzmopper Extraordinare Branch General Manager at Safety-Kleen
Former Operations Manager @ Weyerhaeuser

San Jose, CA
1147 N 10th St
San Jose, CA 95112
Phone Number: 408-294-8778
Fax Number: 408-294-0385
Branch Number: 717802
Plant Code: 7140

The 'Rents

Mortgage Lender Name for Jennifer's house: HORSTS M & CAROL S PALIN

A Letter of Sincere Sincerity and Gratitude Dear Mummy and Daddy,

Thank you so much for the loan for our dream home. Now I feel like Malibu Barbie and the prettiest princess in the trailer park! Gotta go, I'm late for the jorts mantrain!


Oh Hi, Jen! How's Your SeX Life?

Jennifer and her bro Raziel used to run an internet forum called Scientology Exposed. SeX pretended to be an anti-Scientology forum but was really just a haven for insane pagans like Jennifer and her galpal Raziel. All was great in the palace until Jennifer decided to go a little crazy with the magick, and Raziel demodded her. Despite having been bitch-slapped, Jen still harbors a grudge against the people from WhyWeProtest who caused Raziel butthurt.

Enter Trollology

Hanging out on other people's forums wasn't working for Jennifer because mods just couldn't stop themselves from insisting that the posted content be at least somewhat plausible. Because of this unreasonable persecution she founded, "an anti-Scientology, anti-Gamestop, anti-teabagger, anti-everyone forum." With the new platform, Jen and her merry band of gullible retards could continue their important work of shitposting and prank calling Scientology without having to worry about the restrictions of being funny or being entertaining. Good luck visiting as they didn't hack the vhosts enough to get http:// working.

As a moderator of trollology, Jennifer avoided the rigorous self-serving moderation policy of other websites like WWP. She edited only every single post and banned only those who disagreed, however slightly, with her. As admin of, Jen was able to craft the kind of positive and nurturing environment that reflected her spirit as a mother of multiple children. In observance of her maternal status, any mention of her children's existence garnered a visit from dire warnings about the imminent arrival of the Party Van.

Shortbus Force

The shortbus, driven by Jennifer Emick, brimmed with the most asinine and retarded individuals who ever lived. Some say the shortbus is no longer in service because it caught fire during one of Jennifer's wannabe Yoko Ono witchcraft ceremonies. Others claim that it imploded when Jennifer tried to maneuver her absurd machinations onto the information highway. In reality, by virtue of her magick powers, the tenaciously vindictive cunt zapped the shortbus, transforming it into a submarine. This event, occurring in the 20th century and yet of biblical proportions, undoubtedly inspired John Lennon.

The Great Conspiracy! Magick with a K

In the summer of 2010, Jennifer's incredible perceptive powers allowed her to single-handedly unearth several deep cover moles among the WWP mod staff. Jen revealed that WWP staff members included the entire population of, perennial Chanology villain Tom Newton, several OSA spies, CIA Agent 4223, and an emissary to the reptoid race, Shishcala.

The first mole that Jennifer uncovered was theswellseason. Jen discovered that theswellseason is an infamous g00n who will stop at nothing, not even DDoSing the entire Internet, if someone so much as thinks about doxing her friend. theswellseason is guilty of having once met some people Jennifer doesn't like. Also, she has a vagina. Jennifer determined that theswellseason once had a conversation with JanusZeal, a former moderator and Scientologist-in-disguise who sold the Enturbulation database to OSA, resulting in every single person who ever had an account on being fair gamed by Scientology. To back up her claim Jennifer provided absolute proof that she and other Trollology members were the targets of devastating DDoS attacks, despite theswellseason's clever cover of being on her honeymoon the entire time.

In response to these revelations by Jen, the entire staff of WhyWeProtest and some other drunk, bored Xenufags decided to put a cap on the liquor bottle and go raid Trollology. The "scorched earth terror campaign" waged by WWP staff included such unscrupulous methods as shitposting, calling Jennifer's house at a reasonable hour, and politely asking her to back up her claims or stfu.

Jennifer responded to this in the most rational way possible. She bravely edited every single post calling for accountability, threatened to press charges for wiretapping and sat by her phone awaiting "harassing calls". Her measured response culminated in putting Trollology into maintenance mode so that no one could read or say anything bad about her while she was asleep. Shortly after this campaign began, the hosting company for Trollology realized that pictures of huge penises and "pretty much the entire website" were against their terms of service, and the Trollology account was dropped like a cougar's deflated sweater puppet.

The second mole in WWP's staff was uncovered when Trollology came back online under a different host the next day. The staff member dun goofed by forgetting to hit the TOR button, using only 6 proxies while shitposting on Trollology, and his IP was revealed. Jennifer's incredible Internet magick allowed her to geolocate and sniff the slightly dynamic IP off the bounce with a high degree of accuracy. She managed to determine that the poster was the only person ever to use Comcast in Albuquerque and must therefore be none other than the persistent and consistently incomprehensible Chanology troll Tom Newton. Following this stunning revelation, the second incarnation of Trollology collapsed only minutes after going online, having suffered a massive influx of one user who made all of one post. It is still down to this date The hackers finally decided whether they would run Debian or Ubuntu and brought the forums back online.

The third mole in WhyWeProtest staff that Jennifer uncovered was Azazel. Jen spent several hours sniffing packets and "Just Googling It" Azazel, and skillfully exposed the disturbing truth. Despite Azazel's retirement without incident from WWP staff prior to being discovered, Jennifer determined that he was in fact a magickal German super-hacker who worked for the government of Iran, the government of Russia and the CIA. He was also employed by agents of Scientology through his contact in Douchelandia and liked to play the original Unreal Tournament.

Jennifer proceeded to post her findings on every website from which she hadn't been banned for being completely nuts, and sent the link to everyone on every buddylist she had ever seen. The news that a former WWP moderator was a fan of a game released in the 20th Century rocked the Chanology world, and Chanology responded to the overwhelming evidence against WhyWeProtest staff by not giving a shit.

Jennifer, a Renaissance Man

Jennifer has a deep and nuanced understanding of the tubes and possesses a vast arsenal of high tech gadgetry such as geolocation services through which she can determine your position. Some of those services are so advanced that she claims they detect proxies and sniff the bounce. Or, in layman's terms, "Oh My God I Don't Know What I am Saying."

The Storyteller

Jen is a gifted storyteller. When she's not having her windows shot out by nazis, she likes to kick back over a beer and tell people about how she's quoted in college textbooks and even appears as a "pointless" entry in Gimme Something Better: The Profound, Progressive, and Occasionally Pointless History of Bay Area Punk from Dead Kennedys to Green Day. Unfortunately, when telling those stories Jen too often uses her own voice, which has been known to curdle milk.

The Collector

These days, Jennifer is a professional and very capable collector. She collects copies of other people's art and publishes them on She also collects sycophantic followers who will take her at her word no matter how divorced from reality she may be. She's very good at collecting seemingly random and entirely unrelated pages of the internet that she likes to call "dox" - a technical netspeak term that Jen will define more fully for us all in her anxiously awaited book: The Everything I Need You to Know For Now Book: Read The Whole Fucking Thing Before Commenting, by Jennifer Emick.

Here's a snippet, courtesy of Jen's publisher: "There are no 'dox' for an opinion. An opinion, by definition, cannot be wrong." - JCO/PL 23/7/10.

Big on Wikipedia [citation needed]

Eventually management got fed up with this demagogue's ramblings and sacked her. Jennifer then assumed a commanding role in the internet copyright taskforce. Her daily crimes duties included altering Wikipedia articles and filing false DMCA claims in order to build links to her Ebaum-style, Satan-worshipping pirated image collage, AKA When advised that her actions violated Wikipedia philosophy, rules and guidelines, Jennifer characteristically did not throw a tantrum and attack Wikipedia users, mods and admins like a menopausal pitbull. Had this not occurred during the 20th century, it would have been a major déjà vu.

The Quotable Jennifer

Jennifer answers to the Skype handle "Shut up MS."

Quotes of Interest

No, raziel was a twat who couldn't ftp from his own server

No, it's not some two-bit anon dude
you won't be able to guess
he's a brand name
as it were
which is why garrett will eventually make some excuses



—Jen talking about her hacker friends

I was in bara, a sharps group

nazi bitch tried to stab me outside gilman one night
crazy times
looks better on paper
it's really just turbo add
i'm negotiating now for a cable tv show



—On her upcoming catastrophe

thelema lodge, dude

bill heidrick is a personal friend
actually writing a book with a buddy in the AA currently



—On her "connections"

tyleR: i asked her about the party and she said she's gonna be in new york around that time, so probably not

Shut up MS: can you ask her to call the neckbeard and ask him to check the ip mon the threat?
tyleR: oh
tyleR: which neckbeard?
tyleR: you mean weev?
Shut up MS: ya
Joecool: lol
tyleR: she doesn't talk to him anymore, last i heard
Shut up MS: I know they don't hang out
tyleR: got a little too freaked out about his screaming paranoia
Shut up MS: but that's the only ed person i know who isn't a faggot



—Jen on ED

etc etc yadda yadda

I'm smarter than i look
I didn't get where I am being stupid
got kids going to college soon
I am cited in college textbooks tho
which i find wholly lulzy
my favorite
ppl who know me now rofl when they see that
so yeah, i've had nazis try and murder me, shoot out my windows
not to mention my crazy-ass family



About herself

I recorded the call with idiots threatenijng my family

garret threatened my family in irc
and he threatened akito's infant on facebook
apparently he does not realize, facebook via proxy is NOT anonymous




Also, you're wrong about the legality of the laws. I talked to Montreal cops, they say it is illegal to record where it is illegal, even if that is in the US.



Jen on the "Legality of Laws"

I have kept quiet about an insane amount of insane shit



Jen, The Queen of All Media

JewTube 20th Century

Everyone Dance!
Let's take a break and watch kitties!

Conclusion: Got a Death Wish?

Jennifer is an endless source of lulz. She will, until the end of time, remain combative and default to cop-calling. She will never cave in. She will spew lies and spin and chaos forevermore.

Trolling Jennifer: Cheat Sheet and Consequences.

Jennifer records every incoming phone call, but this does not constitued permission to record her--it is, after all, a felony and Jennifer will press charges. You'll know she's butthurt when she disconnects her phone.

Posts on Trollology
Jennifer suffers from obssessive-compulsive post editing disorder. It is rumored that she once edited a lorem ipsum post into a possible threat.

Jennifer loves children and is a very protective parent. Mention children and she will immediately fly into a rage and call you a pervert / pedophile and or predator, and will threaten to backtrace you and bring justice upon your sorry ass.


They impersonated my children (I am not supposed to post the images as it is being looked into by the police).


— Jennifer Emick

See Also:



Social Networking

I Love A Good Email! [email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected] (bounces)

Heartwarming Pictures

Portal chanology.png

Jennifer Emick is part of a series on

Project Chanology

Visit the Anonymous Portal for complete coverage.

Portal trolls.png

Jennifer Emick is part of a series on


Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Xenu homeboy.pngJennifer Emick is part of a series on ScientologyXenu homeboy.png



DianeticsDisconnectionChild abuseSaint HillScientology's History of the UniverseSec CheckFreewindsSea OrgGlossaryReligious Freedom WatchVolunteer MinistersOSASpace Opera


L. Ron HubbardDavid MiscarriageTom CruiseScientology AgentsTommy DavisRogues GallerySuri CruiseTerryeoHeaven's GateThe RegimeEvil Jacket GuyJoe FeshbachVaLLarrrTom NewtonJohn CarmichaelFreezoneCaptain Bill RobertsonDanny MastersonWill SmithOschaperKendrick MoxonTim ArmerJorge SerranoRon SaveloJohn TravoltaJett Travolta


AnonymousWise Beard ManJason BegheGas Mask GirlMagooNew Zealand Fail GuyMessage from ScientologyShawn LonsdaleRorschachMoralfagsLeaderfagsRaidfag WenchJames PackerEpic Nose GuyStu WyattTommy GormanThe Unknown AutobotPsychiatristsMarcab ConfederacyDavid Wu-KapauwEpic Sword GuyAgent Pubeit


PROJECT CHANOLOGYWhy We Protest ForumsA Scientologist's Guide to 4chanThe GeteratorPaul "Fetch" CarnesReligionIsFree.orgYou Found the Card/i/alt.religion.scientologyComplete binge of LEAKED SCILON DOX888chan