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Jesus Tortilla
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Last Thursday, some batshit lady from New Mexico was making breakfast for her 12 children when Jesus himself decided to send her a message. Instead of talking to her, or performing a kind act, he instead felt that the only way to get through to her was to appear right before her very eyes...on a tortilla! And even though noone really knows what Jesus looks like, and people will believe in ANYTHING, it was truly a genuine honest-to-god miracle of epic proportions.
This meant it was high time to shell out some cash, and start praying to a piece of flat bread. Truly, our God is an awesome God. Ever since then, people everywhere have been finding Jesus on various food items, in windows, and anywhere else that someone in need of your money happens to be.
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Do You Believe in Miracles?
Some may ask - why tortillas? Well, as bitches don't know, Jesus claimed during the last supper that the bread was his body. And, like suckers, people believed him. It should also come as no surprise that as a Jew, Jesus would be toasted over and over again.
Spinoffs
Some people also claim to see the Virgin Mary in a similar fashion. However, she isn't as popular as Jesus, or nearly as profitable, because everyone knows that Catholics don't have money.
Other Religious Apparitions
Of course this phenomenon isn't isolated to just Christians. People of all religious persuasions are crazy enough to believe in this shit.
The trees say "there is no God but Allah" in moonspeak |
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The image of Satan during 9/11. Even more irrefutable proof that Jews did WTC |
Atheist toast |
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Leno chip |
Selling Religion on eBay for Fun and Prophet
In America (where else?) a piece of toast depicting an image of the virgin Mary has sold for $28,000 on eBay. Not only is this toast a decade (yes, 10 YEARS) old but as you can see someone has taken a bite out of it. This leads us to conclude:
- Americans are a breed of fanatics who see religion everywhere
- Americans are retards who will throw money at this religious fanaticism
- Americans not only see something that is clearly not valuable as being worth a lot of money, they are so fucking greedy they will still eat it. That bite probably knocked $10,000 off the selling price.
DIY Jesus Toast
Tired of waiting for the Almighty to bless your breakfast? Well no matter because now you can make your very own Jesus toast! Methods include:
- Cutting butter into the shape of the almighty and putting it under the grill. Results suck.
- Using a laser to burn in the details. Unless you find some poor bastard to sell the toast to, the laser will simply cost too much.
- Prayer. SPOILER: this never works for anything whatsoever, let alone magical burned bread.
- ????
- PROFIT*
*Note: there isn't a prophet joke here because neither Jesus nor Mary were prophets. If you should get the image of a real prophet on your bread, then tough shit. Nobody cares about them.
Video
This guy should've just taken a picture.
See Also
External Links
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Jesus Tortilla is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
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Blessed by God
Lordelthibar • Elias Abuelazam • Amalea • Angry Homo Kid • The Army of God • BayHorseCrew • Anders Behring Breivik • John Bulla • George W Bush • CHB • Thomas Chanter • Chris-chan • Jesus Christ • Jack Chick • Concerned Women • Ann Coulter • Crusadercat • Donnie Davies • DBoyWheeler • Duck Dynasty • Jerry Falwell • Mel Gibson • Gorilla199 • John Hagee • Ted Haggard • Neal Horsley • Mike Huckabee • ItsAboutJesus • Jerichoonly • Jesse Jackson • Krensada • Dan Lirette • MarkyVigoroth • Brad McQuaid • Vic Mignogna • Mark Miner • Chuck Norris • Sarah Palin • PilgrimJohn • The Pope • Peter Popoff • Elvis Presley • Purelily • Andrew Quah • RejectedDreams • Anne Rice • Pat Robertson • Andy Schlafly • Al Sharpton • Sherry Shriner • Martin Ssempa • Superdemon-Inuyasha • Tony48219 • Hal Turner • The USA • VenomFangX • Myah Walker • Juliana Wetmore • LoneWolf1984 • Reverend X • William Lane Craig | |
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Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama
Anti-Semitism • The Apocalypse • The Bible • Catholicism • Censorship • Conservapedia • Creationism • Christian Boy Love Forum • Christian Spanking Blogs • Christian forums • Christian Teen Forums • Christian furries • Christmas • The Crusades • Church of Fudge • Easter • EQ2Flames • Ex-Gays • Genocide • God hates fags • GodJesus • Heaven • The Holocaust • Homophobia • Hyldenism • Intelligent Design • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Jesus is Hitler • Jesus is Savior • Jesus Tortilla • The KKK • Mormonism • Objectiveministries • Purity Ball • Pussy Riot • Pro-life • Quiverfull • Rangerphiles • Raptor Jesus • Republicans • The Rapture • Slavery • Snopes • The Spanish Inquisition • The Thaw • Transphobia • Visions • Xxxchurch | |
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Pissing Off the Almighty
Abortion • Bestiality • Black metal • Evolution • Homosexuality • Liberalism • Masturbation • Pornography • Satanism • Scientology • Suicide • Transgenderism | |
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Heathens
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| | Mental illness |
Acrotomophilia • Aquaphilia • Arborphilia • Balloon Fetish • Bimbofication • Dick Impalement • Eproctophilia • Extreme Porn • Fat Admirer (Female Fat Admirer) • Fat furry • Fetish • Foot Fetish • Furniture Porn • Furry • Goo girl • Homosexuality • Inflation Fetish • Necrophilia • Mpreg • Lesbian pedophilia • Pedophilia • Pregnant Loli • Pregnophilia • Pussy Whip • Sickfuckery • Statuephilia • Tulpa • Vorarephilia |
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| Sites: |
Above Top Secret • B/ • Bodies Under Siege • CYOC • Chatroulette • Defense Industries Organization • Deeker • FoolQuest.com • InkBunny • Neuticles.com • Psyke.org | |
| Psychos: |
Alan The Panda •
Burning Man •
Bubs4696 •
Chupacabra •
Cl0r0x •
Crystal Head Vodka •
Damaron •
Derrick Bird •
Dianna Kirkland •
Diego Grez •
Disney Princes •
Dolcett •
Donna Simpson •
Donut Girl •
Douglas Spink •
Doutaini •
Dragoneer •
Dustin Diamond •
Eric W. Schwartz •
Epic Beard Man •
Emo Cutter Girl •
FCYTravis •
Felice Fawn •
Geek Squad •
Jesus Tortilla •
Kenny Glenn The Animal Abuser •
Kevin Havens (his dolls) •
Kevin L. O'Brien •
Kimmo Johan Alm •
Shaye Saint John
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| See also: |
Anger • ASMR • Assassination • Child abuse • Desperate • Domestic violence • Fan death • Kidnapping • Military • Serial Killers |
| Featured article November 19, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Gordon the Pringles Giraffe | Jesus Tortilla | Succeeded by Ellen Feiss |



