John Pike

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Fuck Jesus
Look at that chubby expression, he knows what he did, the little rascal

Lt. John Pike, a.k.a. The Pepper Spray Cop a.k.a. Dr Pepper is a badass policeman who appropriately dealt with a large line of dirty jobless hippies at the Occupy UC Davis in California, by pwning their ugly faces with a nice hot stream of pepper spray. Pike couldn't stand their newfaggotry and bitchy whining, plus the little shits were blocking his way to an ice cream van on the other side of the park, so he did what any God-Loving patriot would do: proceed to whip out his Pepper spray can and cover the irritating nerds in liquidized orange pain for the lulz.

Since the incident, Pike has become a forced meme, and every hipster in the universe has applied their brilliant Photoshop skillz, cuntpasting Pike's chillax lulzy stroll onto every random picture they can find. He also hates fags. Whatta guy.

The captivating true story

U Mad OWS?

Footage of Pike Unleashing Græt Justice on hippie's eyes

Problem, hippies?

Faux News Coverage

Faux News understand that this pudgy, mustachioed cop was only truly doing his duty in spraying the little jobless bastards, and expressed in utmost sincerity through political pundit Megyn Kelly that they were clearly just being a bunch of whining pussies.

Pepper spray is like a derivative of real pepper. It's like a food product, essentially




Of course most other news coverage spoke of this beautiful cop hero as though he is some sort of villain, despite being an astute defender of lulz and our right to walk through a park. Some even insinuated that the unwashed hippies were not explicitly asking for it, which they clearly were, normal citizens need to walk their dog dammit.

Butthurt Anonymous

Among the many people that were butthurt about Johnny-boy's appropriate use of force was anonymous, 13-year-olds everywhere switched on their screechy, lame voice synthesizers, focusing all the nerd rage they could into JewTube videos, stating that the whole situation is srs business and the selective vigilantism did in fact work, because John's dox were thereafter Pastebinfavicon.png posted.

Man that synthesizer makes him sound so cool

April 2016 update

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Updated for 2016

In April 2016, nearly five years after the original incident, the geniuses at UC Davis taught the world how not to do damage control by spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to "scrub" references to the internationally famous incident from the Internet, naturally invoking the Streisand effect. News stories that had been long buried suddenly resurfaced at the top of Google results after their PR campaign went horribly wrong. By this time the incident was ancient by Internet standards, but this slutty waste of public funds on a futile PR campaign sparked interest in the activities of "chancellor" Linda Katehi. Katehi, who is paid $424,360 per year by UC Davis, was found to have taken a job at a textbook company which pays $420,000 per year, and a seat on the board of DeVry, an unaccredited diploma mill currently under investigation by federal authorities. Each of these "side gigs" demonstrates a clear conflict of interest, and Katehi is expected to suffer the wrath of the Internet Hate Machine soon.


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See Also

External Links

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Featured article December 6 & December 7, 2011
Preceded by
Jim Profit
John Pike Succeeded by