Johnny Depp

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Johnny Depp is a third-rate goth/emo/fag typecast actor that stupid teenageers and homosexuals like to fap to publicly in chat rooms, every time someone brings him up for any reason. They dwell on a selective memory of him, link you to their literally thousands of POTC/Edward Sissorhands fanfics, and form a mob against you if you don't tell them that their creepy Depp-fetish isn't just cool as hell. He is one of the internets' all-time greatest sources of lulz because, quite frankly... he's a fucking batshit crazy retard, but none of the people who fap to him will ever get this. They even make up fantastic lies about when they reportedly met him. According to these people, Johnny Depp has nothing better to do than hang out with them, and suck-up to their faggy little bands.

Johnny Depp overview

Johnny Depp is what Tom Cruise will be when he finally admits he's gay and gets a sex change- in looks, personality and acting ability. He's a stiff, God-Awful actor who's a total fucking dick to everyone but Tim Burton (probably because the two look like fag lovers when they're together).

He's been arrested like a bazillion times, not including his four major arrests. Most of these arrests involve drugs or drunk driving.

He currently lives in France, and no one can give a straight answer why. Some people say that it's because he's protesting Iraq, some say the more believeable story that he's a fucking pussy who badmouths the shit out of America, and doesn't have the balls to say it on American soil, like other americunt haters (Sean Penn, Samuel L. Jackson).

Yet, despite all this, he's currently the biggest actor in the US and France, based entirely on his looks because not one person can give a reason to like him outside of his looks without lying or contradicting the fuck out of themselves. There are endless fights about him in chat rooms, and thousands of forums dedicated to the same lies his publicist tells people and the same apologist's crap his fans spout about his multiple arrests, attacks, americunt bashing and other faggotry.

Johnny Depp E-fans

Johnny Depp fans actually think he's God, especially online. If you bring him up in a chat room, you can instantly sort out the teen girls and the fags because they all claim the following:

  • They're friends with him.
  • They fucked him
  • He loves their shitty, non-existent band, and goes out of his way to see their shows.
  • They met him working on a pier, or in a nightclub because he was supporting their friend's band.
  • They're an actress who's gonna be bigger than Jesus next year, and it's because Johnny himself endorses them.

They spout off their shitty, fabricated story until you call them on it, then suddenly it's the Holy War of fap. Apparently, this is easier than just making up a story that's... believable.

Oh noes, you can't badmouth Johnny Depp! He's like, GOD or something!

Johnny Depp fans are worse than MMORPG geeks, losers who read Harry Potter and online cults combined.

Even someone who only has a casual knowledge of Depp can pwn these fans if they don't wanna hear it, to which they retort by recruiting other fans with the infamous "You're one of us or one of them!" defense. At this point, it is very important that you keep your resolve, because if you let it go, then you're a socially inept retard until the end of time. It's a well-known fact that Johnny Depp fans have no ability to reason, and will keep your dislike of the shit-licker a fight until one of you dies. Fortunately for people who keep their mouths shut, Depp fandom creates an abundance of an hero.

Unless you didn't wanna go to that site anymore, let it go- otherwise, they'll all go crying to the mods to have you banhammered. If it's an IRC chat, they'll ban you and the crybabies will give you a meth induced facial about how they think they pwned you, even though they only won because they went crying to the asshole in charge with made-up shit because they lost.

Johnny Depp forums

Johnny Depp has entire forums dedicated to him, which are allowed to talk about any topic- as long as that topic is:

  • About Johnny Depp.
  • Kissing his fucking ass.
  • Full of completely fabricated bullshit that Depp and his agent made up to try upping his PR and/or worming his way out of bad press when he was arrested or did something that would have killed anyone else's career.

Apparently, it's worth the memory to fight on whether or not Johnny Depp farts, because people actually retorted to a fart joke of him with that he doesn't have an asshole. Of course he has an asshole- but he calls it his mouth.

Things to say to Johnny Depp chat-fappers

If you don't wanna hear it, here's some things that will shut a Johnny Depp fan up long enough for them to be distracted by something shiny:

  • He's never gonna fuck them.
  • If it's a fag, point out that he's straight, despite the clear evidence that he's a queer.
  • Tell them that people relate him to Tom Cruise.
  • Even his friends think Edward Scissorhands was his only good movie.
  • Tom Cruise has come closer to getting a major Hollywood honor than he has.
  • He looks like Helena Bonham Carter, and has probably fucked Tim Burton at least as much as she has.
  • He moved back to the US in 2005 because he couldn't handle riots in France.
  • Say River Pheonix really liked his nightclub!
  • Show them 21 Jump Street clips and see how many people in the room say the actor playing Tom Hanson fucking sucks before they recognize him.
  • Ask them the first forbidden question: If Johnny Depp is as hot shit as they claim, how come so many people thought POTC was his first movie since Edward Scissorhands?.
  • Ask the second forbidden question: If Johnny Depp has the most range of any actor working today, how come Keanu Reeves has more facial expressions than he does?
  • Challenge them to find a picture of Depp where he's giving a facial expression other than staring into space or his signature shit-licking smirk. You'll never see them again.
  • Point out that he had been arrested three times for assault (1990, 1994, and 1999) when people talk about what a kind, sensetive soul they think he is.
  • If you need more, he has also been arrested repeatedly for minor offenses, such as misdemeanor possession and harassing the cops.
  • If they pull his so-called charity work out of their ass, point out that Depp's charity consisted of him wanting a medal for donating a measley $1 million dollar to a hospital that helped his kid. And he only donated ONE FUCKING TIME.
  • For some reason, asking if he likes fart jokes starts a war.

Johnny Depp fanfics

Johnny Depp beats even Final Fantasy VII and Inu-Yasha for the disturbingly high number of fanfics written by teen girls where they write themselves in and fuck whatever character he for about 80% of the damned thing. The character is almost always Jack Sparrow, though cutters seem to like writing about Edward Sissorhand's cock. Here's how to write a typical Johnny Depp movie fanfic:

1) Be a teenage girl; if you are not a teenage girl, you are instantly gay.

2) Watch the movie over and over without blinking for 3 1/2 weeks; beat the shit out of people who ask if they can have the TV after the 5th time.

3) Mastrubate to Johnny Depp until your vagina looks like Lindsay Lohan's.

4) Write about what you were picturing doing to Depp while you skanked yourself up.

5) Put it on a site like Deviant Art or one of the POTC forums.

6) Throw a huge fit when it's removed for being obscene, pedo crap; assemble a mob to take on the mod who apparntly "hates Johnny".

7) Find a site ran by a pedofag that won't remove your story about the minor and the 40 year-old drunk pirate.

8) ?????

9) PROFIT!!!!!

10) Sic your loyal mob on people who think you're a shitty wannabe porn writer.

11) Go to the mods with your crocodile tears when they pwn you with one of the things from the list above.

12) Think you won when the mod gives in to you, even though you wouldn't have resorted to it if you really won shit.

Sampling of Johnny Depp fanfics


A compiling of the average Johnny Depp fan fiction. See a pattern forming?

Edward Scissorhands coming soon!


See Also