Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
(Redirected from Jonathon the Impaler)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Not even shooped you guise.

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, is a 48 year old (born April 2, 1964) pedophile who lives in a trailer in Rochester, Minnesota. He has been arrested numerous times for stalking, coercion and abduction, has run for office in New Jersey, Florida, and 3 other states, has brainwashed a 16 year old retarded wannabe goth fatass into being his "wyfe", and is a vampire who happens to work at a pizza place. Oh, and he's a part time Elvis impersonator who has never gotten a gig, as well as a former wrestler who never won a match. So all in all, just your average guy.

This is the actual 16 year old girl he molests. Also she's a vampire too.


When you're the one and only tr00 kvlt vampire god, finding a partner who shares similiar interests and ideals is no small task in today's fast paced modern world. Those who wish to rule their state with the iron fist of sweet communism whilst living their life as a vampire are often passed up on the dating scene for those with more stable jobs and belief systems.

File:Jonathon The Impaler.jpg
44 years old is not too old for a blankie.

Like many lonely gentlemen, Johnathan naturally decided to hunt for his soulmate online. What he found was a young, yet strikingly grown-up woman named Paige Brewer who fit all of the characteristics he was looking for, and she was totally old enough to make her own decisions. He had finally found himself a keeper, but their love would be a controversy, labelled as pedophilia by those evil establishment fatcats who had scuppered his chances of success in the previous election. Finally, after three months of knowing each other, and not even having to have met each other, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey proposed to Paige via YouTube video, and in the spirit of the proposal, she accepted via MySpace, as a true kick in the teeth to anyone who says romance is dead. Vampire John then, of course, abducted the girl and went on the run. Police were running out of ideas, and their last ditch attempt to get her back, thankfully, worked. They created a fake competition on one of the forums Sharkey frequents and named Jonathon the lucky winner of a personal meet-and-greet with Don Henrie! When he turned up to meet his hero he was swiftly arrested and the girl taken into protective custody. As of now, they are communicating through a super secret MySpace account that her mother doesn't yet know about and planning on running away again after his campaign, however this is completely deserved as her mother has obviously not capped her internets time, a smart move i'm sure you'll agree.

This is not the first time that Johnny has had dealings with real life 16 year old girls, he has unfortunately been left with no choice, on numerous occasions, other than to stalk girls who were suspected by him to be Vampyre Hunters. He had been tragically misunderstood on so many occasions by lovers, to the extent that he had nearly been sentenced to prison time for stalking and attacking another sixteen year old girl.

Jonathon recently began a "relationship" with a "Russian" "woman" by the name of "Rachel Allen" aka "Rakhil Dolgorukov Tepes Sharkey." He claims to be married to her, but there is no trace of her anywhere but on Facebook[1] and her vomit-inducing shitacular blog[2]. The 7-10 photos originally posted on IMDB and her Facebook are clearly ripped off from a Russian porn star by the name of "Svetlana Belochkina". "Rakhil" doesn't speak Russian, though "she" claims to, but also can't master the use of English. It's clearly a fake page made and maintained by Sharkwad himself to appear lovable, attractive and worthy of someone as hot and as interesting as a Russian woman. Every status update and blog post is centered on Jonathon "Raisin Beast" Sharkey and his incredible powers of regeneration, his sexual prowess and the unfathomable depths of his vampyre hotness. Rachel -- er, Jonathon acting as Rachel -- knows absolutely nothing of Russian culture (she still thinks the hammer and sickle is the flag there...) or language, yet boldly professes to be a "strong Russian woman". She also claims to be writing the script for a sequel to Sharkfuck's stupid wrestling movie (in Russian, of course). Look for "The Comeback Fighter: Naughtia's Revenge" coming never to a theatre near you.

Jonathon's search for love has not only carried his great weight to Russian porn star websites, but also to create a MySpace page for a "woman" he claims to be his ex-wife and sister, "Kathleen Sharkey." Model Luciana Curtis may want to inquire about this violation of her copyright and on the general principle that no one should be portrayed as mooning after this wingnut.


Jonathon "Triple Chin" Sharkey apparently has no visible means of support, yet implies on one of his videos that he's on disability. Maybe he gets some money from lawsuits. Judge Kathleen M. O'Malley of the United States District Court Northern District of Ohio in her Memorandum of Opinion and Order in the case (Case No. 1:07 CV 1089) where Jonathon "Fat Ass" Sharkey tries to sue his 18 year old ex wife (Spree Moneypenny) and her mother for $6,000,000.00. Judge O'Malley says that: "Mr. Sharkey has established a four year pattern of filing multiple vexatious and harassing lawsuits in federal courts under various names, including Rocky Flash, Rocky Hurricane, Darth Hurricane, Jonathon Sharkey, Jonathon “the Impaler” Sharkey, Kathleen Sharkey, and Lourdes Sharkey, against Spree’s predecessor, Susan Holtsclaw. He filed at least 28 such cases in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Indiana and 5 cases in the United States District Court for the Middle District of Florida." See Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 8:02 CV 00168 (M.D. Fla. filed Jan. 30, 2002); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 8:02 CV 00313 (M.D. Fla. filed Feb. 19, 2002); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 8:02 CV 00314 (M.D. Fla. filed Feb 19, 2002); Hurricane v. USA, Case No. 8:03 CV 1263 (M.D. Fla. filed June 18, 2003);Hurricane v. Miller, Case No. 6:03 CV 1863 (M.D. Fla. filed Dec. 29, 2003); Flash v. Cotty, Case No. 1:02 CV 1444 (S.D. Ind. filed Sept. 18, 2002); Flash v. Cotty, Case No. 1:02 CV 1468 (S.D. Ind. filed Sept. 23, 2002); Flash v.Indiana, Case No. 1:03 CV 205 (S.D. Ind. filed Feb. 11, 2003); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 206 (S.D. Ind. filed Feb. 11, 2003); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 207 (S.D. Ind. filed Feb. 11, 2003); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 208 (S.D. Ind. filed Feb. 11, 2003); Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 626 (S.D. Ind. filed May 1, 2003);Hurricane v. Moberly, Case No. 1:03 CV 644 (S.D. Ind. filed May 5, 2003); Hurricane v. Moberly, Case No. 1:03 CV 644 (S.D. Ind. filed May 5, 2003); Hurricane v.Barker, Case No. 1:03 CV 1095 (S.D. Ind. filed July 25, 2003);Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 1465 (S.D. Ind. filed Oct. 7, 2003); Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 1466 (S.D. Ind. filed Oct. 7, 2003); Hurricane v.Indiana, Case No. 1:03 CV 1587 (S.D. Ind. filed Oct. 29, 2003); Hurricane v. Barnes, Case No. 1:03 CV 1984 (S.D. Ind. filed Oct. 29, 2003);Hurricane v.Bradford, Case No. 1:03 CV 1614 (S.D. Ind. filed Nov. 3, 2003); Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:03 CV 2022 (S.D. Ind. filed Dec. 22, 2003);Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:04 CV 001 (S.D. Ind. filed Jan. 2, 2004);Hurricane v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:04 CV 0064 (S.D. Ind. filed Jan. 12, 2004); Flash v. Miller, Case No. 1:04 CV 1797 (S.D. Ind. filed Nov. 1, 2004);Flash v. Cotty, Case No. 1:05 CV 171 (S.D. Ind. filed Feb. 2, 2005); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:05 CV 587 (S.D. Ind. filed April 21, 2005); Flash v.Miller, Case No. 1:05 CV 588 (S.D. Ind. filed April 21, 2005); Flash v. Hortman, Case No. 1:05 CV 768 (S.D. Ind. filed May 23, 2005); Flash v. Merchant, Case No. 1:05 CV 837 (S.D. Ind. filed June 2, 2005); Sharkey v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:05 CV 838 (S.D. Ind. filed June 2, 2005); Flash v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:05 CV 910 (S.D. Ind. filed June 16, 2005); Flash v.Horstman, Case No. 1:05 CV 929 (S.D. Ind. filed June 21, 2005);Flash v. Anderson, Case No. 1:06 CV 671 (S.D. Ind. filed April 26, 2006). Mr. Sharkey was enjoined from filing further lawsuits in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Indiana on December 9, 2005. See Sharkey v. Holtsclaw, Case No. 1:05 CV 838 (S.D. Ind. filed June 2, 2005).

Sharkey claims that his ex-wife Megan murdered their two-year-old child called Hecate in 2008, but he sued Megan for miscarrying their baby at 3 months in march of 2008. He claims that the child was miscarried because Megan neglected to care for herself. He also sued some of Megan's friends and family for encouraging her to not look after herself, for causing her stress and for hooking up with Megan while she was allegedly married to Sharkey. The court documents state that Megan and Sharkey were only married "under the laws of the Vampyre Nation", so yet another fake marriage for him.

P.O.W. Network

Jonathon "Bag O' Donuts" Sharkey has been listed on the P.O.W. Network's list of Military Phonies because he's lied about his service. The P.O.W. Network did a FOIA request to the National Personnel Records Center and obtained his military records. Jonathon "Tub O' Lard" Sharkey did, indeed, serve in the military. He enlisted as a 13B Cannon Crewmember, and spent about a year and a half on Active Duty. Then he spent some time attached to a training unit as a clerk at an Army Reserve base. His records indicate that he ended his service in 1988 as a Private First Class. Jonathon "The Habitual Liar" Sharkey has inflated that and has claimed that he was Airborne qualified, Special Forces qualified, a Drill Sergeant and has been seen wearing awards he never earned including the Combat Infantry Badge. He has also claimed to be a Sniper, which is just total bullshit.

Political Aspirations

A challenge to a vampyre hunter. We shit you not, he actually believes in this stuff.

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, or "The Future Governer of Minnesota" as he prefers to be known, has a strong political background and hopes to one day rule the world. Unfortunately, the public wrongly assume that his extensive criminal record, obvious mental illness, admitted pedophilia, communist ideals, belief in that which does not exist, lack of formal education or experience in the field of politics, and the fact that he is currently employed as a pizza delivery boy preclude him from being able to adequately fulfill the position of State Governor, however we at Encyclopedia Dramatica wholeheartedly disagree, and will be personally ensuring that his opponents and constituents have full access to this article, the centrepiece of his campaign.

Some of the things that Jonathon intends to do when he is inevitably made governor are as follows:

Literally Impale People

Yes, that is correct, if put into a position of power Sharkey vows that he would actually impale people. His MySpace says:



—Mister Sharkey on the nuances of the American legal system.

The problem with this logic is that he is, in fact, both a rapist and a child abuser/molester, in the eyes of the law. We'll let that logic slide though and forgive the fact that state governors do not actually have anything to do with the doling out of punishment, and that impaling is a "cruel and unusual" punishment forbidden by every governing organisation in the western world, but we just can't forgive the all caps rant. Fuck you Sharkey, fuck you and your shift key to hell.

File:Curtain Cape.jpg

Abolish the Age of Consent

Jonathon Sharkey doesn't want to lower the age of consent, that would be stupid, he simply wants to abolish it altogether. Do you wish to have sex with an infant? Go for it. This is basically the message that Sharkey wants out there.

It is against my civil libertys (sic) to tell me who i can have and not sink my teeth into, Vampyric love knows not the bounds of law and the current sytem is abusing of my kynd.


— Holy shit, vampires use Skype.

Build A Russian Military Base In Minnesota

Motherfucker you haggard as hell

He gives no reason.


I do not have that pathedic Pagan Wife Julie Carpenter to have to deal with. Nor will I have to deal with BRAINLESS, BACKSTABBING, movie documentary people.

I am in charge of everything. I admit, I am aligned with Russia, and upon becoming Governor of the Viking State, I will give Russia a military base in MN!

Do Svidaniya, Nel Sangue,

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey


— The next governor of Minnesota, On his YouTube

Getting ready to tap some sweet teen ass.

Other aspirations

  • Previous to getting his pizza delivery job, worked at a frozen yoghurt stand but was fired for forcing his politics on people who just wanted frozen yoghurt.
  • Has "Released an album" of himself singing Elvis songs. It has not sold any copies as yet but he's still holding out for that big record deal.
  • Delivers pizza for a living in order to pay out for those snazzy throw covers he wears.
  • Has a highly successful wrestling career, with his matches sometimes attracting as many as fifteen fans.
  • Wants the age of consent abolished, for obvious reasons. Oddly, does not want it lowered, just done away with altogether.

Notable Quotes

File:Nice Outfit.jpg
The MySpace caption of this picture? "Hours in a weightroom really work". Must have been commenting on someone else then, because he's definitely a fatass.

That crazy motherfucker has a soundbite for all occasions.




—Riiiiight, A Hecate witch

Not even a lovely kitten makes us hate him less
I bit him first


—A deadly admission from a Wild Snorlax

i walk into a house with a poltergiest , to save it. being ordinary is stupid, mundane is ......not being alive.


—one of his kindred spirit Myspace friends

Did Not See you On The Ballot In Arizona.


—People listen more if you capitalize every word, random fan

I am the infamous and famous Vampyre Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. You either LOVE me, or HATE me. There is no middle ground.


—Then what does "Laugh our asses off at" fall under?


Gallery of Tr00 Kvlt About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

External Links

Mainstream Social Networking


Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey
is part of a series on
VampiresHumanoidsReptilesThe RestSee Also
Click topics to expand
Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey is part of a series on
[Grow up and quit whiningEmbrace your inner darkness]


Don HenrieJerry from Doomsday Refreshment CommitteeJonathon The InhalerLustiferaMichelle BelangerRyle Garamonde


Brittany HolechkoDimmuborgiressIckeriss69KurtBatzLarathenMatt CrimminsMissHannahMinxMsUmlautNeil GaimanNickolausPaulie CalafioreSinnSophie LancasterSuccubbusTrent Reznor


GothzillaHouse KheperuJeff WeiseJasmine RichardsonKimveer GillLindsay Kantha SouvannarathMemoryandDreamPink SpiderSephirothslaveSebastian BosseTodd Hoyt


Dani FilthEx-RayeFesazukichanJack SpicerJetTheeReaperPaganDeathKnightTooDamnFilthyVoodoo devil dollYouZeriara


BasementsColumbineDeadJournalGoth macrosHot TopicRichland Collegiate High SchoolVampire Community Message BoardVampire FreaksVampire PosersVampire Shitty


Aiding the Dark Lord in BattleAngstBeing EdgyCuttingDrugsGuroHomosexualityNecrophiliaNot having friendsMurderMy ImmortalPoetryRuining the InternetSchool ShootingSuicideThe Nightmare Before ChristmasVampirismWhere The Dead Go To Die


Anal CuntThe CureDoomsday Refreshment CommitteeDr. SteelDream TheaterEmilie AutumnThe GorillazInsane Clown PosseKoRnLinkin ParkNINNirvanaSlipknotTool